Burnside by Mark Lyons (rc1107) - Short - An elderly recovering alcoholic plans one last hurrah with a bottle of booze. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

@Mark

Last hurrah is right.  You're either moving forward, or moving back.  I must say, this was one depressing tale, and don't know why I kept reading, but i did... and I think this acurate... America's filled with towns and stories like this.  I can only hope when we're in the sunset of our lives, the world will be better than the one you  dropped "Oscar" in.  

Shorts are what they are, just that.  I try not to read too much into them.  This was a simple, it played out the way you intended, so fair enough... no hiccups with it or the writing... though some will probably say parts of the action is overwritten.  Just a question -- when you gave birth to Oscar, did you ever think to drop a line or two about a possible family, or kids?

I like the contrast you made between the "OFFICERS" from 1977 and in the present.

As sad as it was, i enjoyed this.  No need to return the read.

Good Luck

Ghostie

Hey Mark,

A sad tale that has become a reality, unfortunately.

You mention a crowbar in the beginning so where did he get the chisel? I think it was intended to be a chisel in the beginning. lol.

Other than that, this effed up. lol. You're starting to remind of Jack London. You should make an anthology of these shorts.

Gabe

Hey Mark,

Another good read. I like how you paint your stories, good visuals, good characters....

I like this because sure, it has its morose landscape, yet I feel a sense of progress within your main character... I can't put a finger on it, perhaps it seems he has cleaned himself up and is moving on, or that he has just accepted his lot in life, a decided not let the world make him bitter. I'm not sure but It didn't seem all depressing... perhaps that's just me. :)

When I was reading and the cops showed up, I was like, oh great here comes the d#ck cops, but then they were pretty cool... but you didn't disappoint with the present day cops, LOL, good job.

Keep 'em coming,

Kev

I enjoyed it a great deal.

Hey Ghostie

Thanks for taking a look.

Quoted from ghostwriter America's filled with towns and stories like this.  I can only hope when we're in the sunset of our lives, the world will be better than the one you  dropped "Oscar" in.

Unfortunately, this is Youngstown today.  (and I imagine almost any rust belt city from here to Chicago).  I'll be honest... I hate living here.  It's violent and ugly.  :-)  But the decay is oh so inspirational!  (If you're a depressing writer.  :-)

And yeah, I did try to tell this story more with just one's man actions than with dialogue and him interacting in every scene, so I could see how this could be over-written.  I might have to take one more editing sweep through to get rid of anything that's non-important.

Quoted from ghostwriter when you gave birth to Oscar, did you ever think to drop a line or two about a possible family, or kids?

Although the character of Oscar was very very loosely based on my great-grandfather (whose last name was Burnside), in this story, I always saw him as more of a loner, so I didn't think about the family angle too much.  My great-grandfather did work in the mills, but he retired well before they shut down.  And as far as I know, he wasn't an alcoholic.  (Although, I did notice if he ever did drink, it was always a tall glass of Budweiser during 'Quantum Leap'.)

One of my favorite parts of the story is the difference between police officers when I was younger and the cops now.  I had to work that in somehow.

Thank you very much for your thoughts, Ghostie.  I appreciate it and I'm glad you enjoyed this.

- Mark

Hey Gabe.

Yeah.  Unfortunately, this one wasn't exactly fiction.  Although the story at heart is made up, the events of Black Monday and the mill are all real.  (And, just in case you're interested, the first window on the top row farthest from the bridge is actually broken, though it was probably hit with a rock more than most likely.)

Uh-oh.  :-)  Oops regarding the crowbar.  I meant one of the crowbars that has a chisel-end.  Crap.  I might have to go back and overwrite this some more now!

Hmm.  Jack London.  I'll take that.  I do love short stories, they are my favorite, and I am focusing on them explicitly right now just to build up my resume some, but I'm also hard at work on some features.  Can't wait til I have enough money I don't have to work and can write full time rather than just an hour or two a night.

Thanks for taking a look, Gabe.  How's the rewrite for Max's Traveling Circus coming along?

- Mark

Hey Kevin.

Thanks for taking a read.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'm glad you saw the part of the story that Oscar wasn't going to let this situation get the best of him.  He's been through other bad stuff and coped and survived and moved on and he knows he can do the same again.

At the same time, I know it was a depressing situation, and hopefully the city itself is coming off as the antagonist of the story.  (And maybe the banks a little bit.  :-)

I almost thought about not bringing the cops into the flashback nor the present day, but they're such an honest portrayal about the changing times, I couldn't resist it.

Again, thanks for the compliments.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Again, I read one of your scripts and don't even realize it's over.  Although the differences between the cops in the two time periods was interesting, my favorite part of this was when Oscar clearly decided to cheat his way for such a meager legacy. As I'm typing this I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

Another aspect of this that intrest me is how you blend with the psychological impact of society. I'm pleased you didn't try to force more backstory because you already established the your theme IMO by stating:

OSCAR
Why? So we'll have to go through
this again in a year? And then in
two years?

I'm curious for some more insight into this.

Johnny

Mark,

This was bloody brilliant. Not much to say, apart from that I really enjoyed this.

Minor issue:

Page 2- You have the slug as "EXT. BEER AND LIQUOR STORE", but then the description below it appears as if the location isn't actually a beer and liquor store (as he's walking past other stores)?

But yeah, good stuff, as always buddy :-)

Toby.

Mark, excellent job.  Story was tailored nicely from one segment to another.  Painted a very vivid picture that I could easily visualize in my mind.  I think the ending fell a little flat for me, but maybe it was because I was expecting something more to happen, but I think the ending is more like real life.  I guess we're all just accustomed to the typical Hollywood ending where everything works out in the end.

Just some quick notes I jotted down which are really minor quibbles:

There's no Fade in: to open or Fade out or The End at the end.  Maybe that's why I got thrown off by the ending, because I thought there was something else coming, that perhaps a page was missing off the end.  Just need to let us know where you've stopped the story.

Page 3: the banks buildings are "now rented out floor by floor months at a time."  I think that's an unfilmable, since there's no way to show it, so maybe you reword that line.

Same page:  DISSOLVE TO:

1977

I was just change this to SUPER: 1977.  Otherwise, no way for the viewer to know the time frame.

Same page:  "Steps out his pick-up"  s/b "steps out of his pick-up".  You then say "and look at how empty it is."  I assume you mean the parking lot, but by the way it's phrased within that sentence, it appears you're talking about how empty the truck is.

Page 4:
"JOHN WEBSTER, 40's, steps out and calls."  To whom?  Edward?  Oscar?  Someone on the phone?   I know you're talking about Oscar, but need to just make that clear.

If there was anything else, it didn't jump out at me. Great work here.

Cheers,
Gary

Hey Johnny.

Hmm.  Some insight.  I'll probably have to explain most of this in PM as it could drag on a little bit exactly where this story came from and the deeper thoughts I had while writing.  A great deal of it is based off real life, of course, and listening to the older folks I come in contact with complain about how much the city's changed since back in it's hay day.  Young folks complain too, but in a different way.  They were never around to see the city flourishing, so it's total negativity, while old folks's complaints are just negativity for the present and past couple decades.

:-)  I guess I put a little of myself in Oscar.  When things aren't going good, I just like looking for the small wins in life, and it helps keep me positive.  I love it when it's sprinkling outside.  It's my favorite weather.  That's why Oscar smiled when he realized it was raining.  Him breaking that corner window was his own little victory to remind him not to become bitter at everything happening around him.  I don't go around breaking windows with vodka bottles, but I do find my little victories that abide my depression when it hits.

Hopefully, that explains Oscar sort of cheating his way to a meager legacy.  (It's not really cheating if there were never really rules in place.  :-)

Thanks for the read, Johnny.  I'll be talking to you in a few.

- Mark

Hey Toby.

Thanks for checking it out.  And thank you very much for the compliment.

Yeah, I don't really pay too much attention to slugs while I'm writing, as long as the picture gets across clear.  Honestly, I don't even concentrate on them like I should when I go back and do my rewrites.  Usually, it takes the help from somebody here at SS to remind me to go back and brush up the slugs as well.  You're that lucky person to have to remind me this time.  :-)

Again.  Thanks for the read.  I'm happy you liked it.

Goddammit Gary!

I can't believe I forgot the FADE IN:!  You don't know how pissed I am at myself right now!  I seriously went back to check to make sure you weren't effing with me.  I can't believe I never noticed it in any of my rereads, either.  I just took it for granted.

In a couple of my stories, one thing I like to do is open it up in mid-conversation, and I purposely leave the Fade In out and jump right in mid-sentence.  This story, though, I did want the FADE IN there.  Thanks for catching that for me.

And thanks for the other mistakes you pointed out as well.  I should've caught them myself.  They'll be brushed up on my next rewrite.

I did put the one unfilmable you mentioned in there on purpose, though.  While the 'months at a time' part is a true unfilmable, there are real estate signs hung up in quite a few of the windows.  You are right, though, I should go back and take the little bit of time to directly say 'realty signs in the windows'.

I also left the SUPER out on purpose for the flashback.  I'm experimenting with if it's totally necessary to put SUPER: in if the words are already bolded and highlighted as the time frame.  Myself, I like not seeing the word SUPER: in there, as long as it makes sense.

Thanks for pointing out the things you saw, Gary.  I was hoping not to have to come back to this one and fix it up anymore, but I'm starting to realize that's there really is no such thing as a final draft.

And thank you for the compliments, too.  I'm glad you liked it.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

I cracked this open because of the title - I wondered if someone was writing a story about DCI Burnside, the no-nonsense cop who featured in a short-lived UK television series of the same name.



Well, I was totally off the mark. ;D But upon seeing your name attached, was happy to jump in and give it a read.

It's a good, yet depressing read. The real winner of the story here has to be the declining town which you've captured magnificently, and how it affects the population. It takes me back to the 80s when the steelworks were all closing down in Sheffield, not that I was old enough to fully appreciate what was happening to these workers at the time. To then look back through the comments and see this is actually a reality makes it even more depressing but I guess this type of situation is happening in a lot of towns around the world today.

Oscar's a sad but likable character and I guess this was a sort of little victory (the breaking of the window I mean) when everything else seems to have gone against him although I couldn't help thinking that he cheated and whether it would have been a bigger victory to have him accomplish it from the bridge.

The use of police in different generations was a nice touch, showing the almost lack of hospitality in today's society.

The writing's good like always although a few things could have been tightened up for a quicker read. Little niggles: Is it Ernie or Ernest? I know it's same but he's introduced as Ernie and Oscar calls him Ernie at first but then changes to Ernest. Think it's best to be consistent.

Oscar fills up the duffel bag at the beginning with the crowbar (chisel) and hammer. He then throws them away after chiseling his name into the pavement so why did he carry on struggling with both bags?

Like I say, niggles and nothing really to worry about. I enjoyed the read.

Good work. :)

Steve

Mark 2

How the hell are ya?

No FADE IN.. WTF I stopped reading after that :D

and NO FADE OUT... WTF again :D

So i'm off work sick, with kid coughing over me all night and I was in the mood for a comedy to cheer me up. So after reading your short i'm about to put my nuts in a blender :D

This flowed very easily and you know how to paint a very vivid picture. I like how Oscar felt justified at breaking the window.

Obviously Oscar was the only character you really get involved with, as the others all played very minor roles, but you captured his mood really well and kept the tone throughout and I never once felt it was overplayed.

Just a nitpick, but Oscar was in his 30's when he was fired and he waited until his 70's before he broke the window. First of all, wouldn't he find another job, he is only in his 30's. I could see it, if he was 55 or 60.

What was he doing for the next 40 years? squatting? maybe I missed something.

Either way, your writing is excellant and I should read some more of yours... any recommendations?

Good job Mark 2

Mark

Hey Mark

1977 - did this need a super? Flashback?
Bridge viaduct - this may be true but it is a little clunky, would "bridge" suffice
Youngstown - from this and other threads I'm getting a real image of this place. I'll try not to visit!
Just wondered whether you needed to name the extra blokes on the bridge, just seemed to complicate matters
Dissolve to? Needed?
I liked the differences in the cops between the years - nice parallel of deterioration

End - I am a little mixed on this. On the one hand it is in tune with the script, muted, low key, downbeat and nicely avoids the obvious of him drinking, or killing himself. All good. Indeed, it is probably the best ending, it's just I has a sense of "so what". Maybe that's harsh.

Why did he go back that day! Why did he buy a bottle vodka to smash the last window - to be remembered maybe, but this is someone presented as having pride (lawn, garden, not drinking) . He has a rational self which this action seems to contrast with. It's not as if he has mates to show this to etc

Time has caught up, he has run out of money, so I'm wondering why this rational, controlled person is doing this 40years after they last did it. Possibly a type of final goodbye (why not earlier) or final revenge (what's the point) a last sense of identity (he has control of this with his actions) so in short I'm not sure why he has done this, and what it means. Love to hear your thought process.

The final twist of him going to a shelter, or whatever it's called, again is a low key, depressing result. Even the proud can fail if the odds are against them. Maybe that's the right tone for this, but it just feels like it could have more...just not sure what.  That's helpful of me!

Finally, the title. In many ways this not about him, but rather the town, the consequences of the Mill being shut down and a town's life being ripped apart. The name Burnside doesn't mean anything to me, so i just wonder whether other titles could be more effective?? I suppose I feel that if you use a persons name, the suggestion is that it is all about them. Is it?

Anyway just some thoughts.

When you going to write a comedy?

Cheers

Hey Mark,

We've now got a trio of depressing tales on the boards lately.
I guess we all deal with the holiday blahs in our own ways. ;D

P. 5
No need to re-confirm the age of your characters in this flashback.
You already covered that on page four. :P

This has got that signature flow of yours.
It's clearly written by someone that knows these streets.
And that's a big help in a narrative with sparse dialogue.
I bet you could probably smoke any location scout in your area.

I suppose Oscar felt justified in cheating to smash the window.
Why not?
It seems that the economy cheated him. So, why not cheat back?
It's the American Way and the only recourse for a man crippled by capitalism.

Honestly, I wasn't moved or depressed, just felt... realistic to me. :)

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Steve.

Never heard of Burnside the show before.  I'll have to check it out.  It's actually a family name.  My mom's grandfather's last name is Burnside.  We're long time descendants from General Ambrose Burnside, who was a horrible general, but had some AWESOME facial hair.  (He's where we got the name 'sideburns' from.)

Anyway, thanks for checking this one out.

Yeah, I guess Oscar did cheat a little bit.  But, he was cheated out of his pension and that's how he lost his house, so... one good turn deserves another, I guess.

Oscar calls him Ernest because he doesn't really want to talk about going to the old bars, so he cuts him short.  Eventhough he's buying a bottle of vodka, Oscar has no plans returning to the old life.

I didn't mention it in the script, but there are more clothes and necessities in the duffel bag also.  Transients staying at the mission here in Youngstown are only allowed one trash bag of clothes and one back pack if you have to change during the course of the day.  The trash bag has to stay up in the bunks and you can carry the book bag with you.  (It's not always an enforced rule... but sometimes staff can be pricks.)

Thanks for taking a read and I'm glad you enjoyed this one, Steve.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Oscar calls him Ernest because he doesn't really want to talk about going to the old bars, so he cuts him short.  Eventhough he's buying a bottle of vodka, Oscar has no plans returning to the old life.

This rings true.  Many people who have partied hard, I think, at some point, move on.  Not everyone.  Some things just never change, but some people do.  I believed Oscar had moved on, giving Ernie the cold shoulder, because that life is over and done with.

I’m a sucker for any script with a character who has a dark past in alcoholism or drugs so I opened this right up and enjoyed everything about it.  Bleakness was well depicted.

Quoted from Irish Eyes How the hell are ya?

Things are shit.  :-)  But I'm doing good.

Yeah, my wrist has already been slapped for the no 'Fade In'.

As for the doing nothing from age 30's to 70's, Oscar's been one of the luckier ones and was able to find work again here and there.  He tells Ernie that in the liquor store.  But, now that he's retired, and since the mill rescinded their pensions, the money's running out on him and he can't quite make the payments for the house anymore, that's why the banks take it over and that's why Oscar takes this little detour before he goes to the mission.

Thank you for the compliments, Mark.

Quoted from Irish Eyes Either way, your writing is excellant and I should read some more of yours... any recommendations?

Hmm.  Well, unfortunately, I don't have any comedies in my arsenal, (I really don't like writing them.)  But a lot of people have enjoyed 'A Few Will Find This Difficult'.  I'm pretty fond of it myself.  It's actually in production right now with a company in New York.

Thanks again for the read, Mark.

Hey Bill.

Thanks for checking this one out and letting me know your thoughts.

As for the 1977 super, I've been kind of experimenting recently on whether 'SUPER' is necessary or not the way I'm formatting it.  I'm kinda liking it without, as long as the idea that it was a flashback is delivered.

Yeah, I don't think I needed to go into first and last names with everybody on the bridge.  I just wasn't sure if I'd go back later in the script and reference them again, so I named everybody.  It does get a little confusing as to who's who, though.  I should clean that up.

This is just a little victory for Oscar just to make him feel better about his situation, and since he's the only one enjoying the victory, I can see how it is a little anti-climactic.

He chooses that day just because it's a pit stop on his way to stay at the mission.  The banks are taking over the house now (because of the notice on the door).

I did toy with a couple other names, like 'Blight'.  (We have a program in effect here in Youngstown called 'Removing the Blight', where they're tearing down all the abandoned houses in the neighborhoods.)  Ultimately, I chose 'Burnside' because I kinda wanted to celebrate the heritage on my mom's side of the family.

Thanks again, Bill, for reading.  Sorry you had mixed feelings about it, but I do understand it is a very low key story.

- Mark

Hey Brett!

Tell me about it.  I've came across a lot of serious, moody, and depressing stories as of lately.

I LOVE IT!!

Quoted from E.D. I bet you could probably smoke any location scout in your area.

As crappy and depressing as it is here, it really is an inspirational place to write.  Unfortunately, I might be too exact with the location in my stories as of lately.  They've gotten a lot of great response from directors, but they don't have the setups that are available here for easy filming.

Anyway, I admit I did try make this piece more realistic than entertaining (I usually do, probably to a fault).

As always, thanks for checking this one out, Brett!

Hey Reaper.

Almost didn't see you there.  Welcome to the site!

I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I'm a sucker for those kind of stories, too.

I think I saw one of your stories was just posted as well.  I'll be sure to check it out over the next couple of days.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Thanks again, Bill, for reading.  Sorry you had mixed feelings about it, but I do understand it is a very low key story. - Mark

Hey Mark,

Sorry if you got this impression as its not quite true. I was taken with this, but it did throw up lots of questions, which i couldnt always answer, which if I may say, is often a decent sign. It leaves its mark.

After a few tweaks,  this will be even stronger.

Cheers

Quoted from Mark 2 Hmm.  Well, unfortunately, I don't have any comedies in my arsenal, (I really don't like writing them.)  But a lot of people have enjoyed 'A Few Will Find This Difficult'.  I'm pretty fond of it myself.  It's actually in production right now with a company in New York.

I read that one already... I'll dig through your selection :D


Mark

Mark

I really liked this. Some might find it too bleak but no one can deny the emotional punch it delivers.  Which it achieved, not through a grandiose set piece, a big dramatic ending or some sentimental Kodak moment of catharsis but rather through an understated grace and realisation of a life passed by, the decaying of a time and place, preserved only in memory, even if that nostalgia is reduced to a particularly poignant flashback, all beautifully judged in my opinion.

Thankfully, I’m not from a rust belt city crippled by the heavy industry slump but this transported me there. I was completely engaged in Oscar’s journey throughout the 9 pages although his experience is a world away from mine…so far anyway  :-/

“Oscar's house is one of the few with a manicured lawn, and
the only one with landscaping care.”

- Try to adopt and near zero tolerance on using “and” in the prose. I’m unwillingly to stick my neck out and say it’s better to use all the time but a comma speeds up the read no end I feel and facilitates more fluency.

Other than that, I dig your writing style, enjoying the elegiac tone and leisurely pace of the storytelling.

Why does Oscar need a lift home from the cops when he pulls up in his car? I doubt it’s because he thinks he’s over the drink-driving limit, this was 1977 after all. I’m guessing I’m missing something blatantly obvious here.

I can’t help wondering what Oscar had done in the skipped-over 40 years. Did he ever recover from getting laid off? Did he just stay in Youngstown, take to drink and gradually waste away with all the abandoned factories?

It was a crowbar and hammer at the beginning but at the end it’s a chisel and hammer. Is this an error?

Nice contrast with the gruff, couldn’t-give-a-fu?k cops and the more friendly  ones of the past. Perhaps the rose tinted glasses of memory are working overtime there though, cops have always been as?holes!

I like how you, at least for me, flipped my expectation that Oscar was going to do away with himself which would be someway linked to the breaking of the top floor window. In the recesses of my darker thoughts, I imagined him jumping through it to his death, acting as the bottle or rock or whatever.

I’m glad you went in a lighter direction though. Within it, there is a certain glimmer of the human spirit shining through amongst the surrounding urban wasteland. The poor guy is homeless, making the undignified walk of shame to the rescue mission, and at his age, it’s tragic but a small part of him attain a sort of victory today, even if no one was there to bear testimony, his name is etched thus preserved for posterity, in the concrete.

Great job.

Col.

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Reaper. Almost didn't see you there.  Welcome to the site! I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I'm a sucker for those kind of stories, too. I think I saw one of your stories was just posted as well.  I'll be sure to check it out over the next couple of days. - Mark

Huh?  I don’t have anything posted -- not yet.

You must be hitting the bottle too much . . . like Oscar. :P  

Hello again, Mark. Good to see you have a new script up so soon.

I liked this one. I appreciate the simplicity of it and in the end, it's not without poignance. I suppose it says a lot without saying much. There's not much more you could ask for from a short.

I thought the writing itself was pretty strong. Nothing really struck me as problematic. I could dig up quibbles for you, of course, but they'd likely be for the sake of not leaving you with nothing (sorry for the double negative) and thus probably not of any substantial use.

I will say that I don't think your logline does the story as much justice as it could. Of course, there's a sense of suspense as to whether or not Oscar's going to fall back into old habits but the story really didn't seem to focus on his alcoholism. His sobriety seems more like a byproduct of his making peace with the past thus secondary to the main plot of the city's decay. Though I suppose his initial alcoholism is also a byproduct.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just digging, like I said. Still, I expected a different story from what the logline provided.

Anyway, good stuff. Sorry I don't have more to say.

Quoted from James McClung I don't know. Maybe I'm just digging, like I said. Still, I expected a different story from what the logline provided.

I agree.  I was expecting a real hardcore boozer doing some real hardcore boozin' but it was the total opposite.

Hey Mark

No FADE IN, personally I feel I can't continue after such a basic schoolboy error so I'm out....

Only joking....

I did notice a few awkward sentences but nothing drastic.

You mention 'Youngstown' which is in Ohio, isn't it?  You didn't include a specific location at the start, either in description or with a slug or super so this seems a bit odd to me.  Not saying it's wrong but if you weren't spefic at the start you've now limited to where this could be shot...does that make any sense?

I think you should have 1977 as a SUPER.  Just after this you describe how empty the parking lot is then have Oscar look round the empty parking lot.  I think you could possibly cut the first 'empty' description as you're just repeating the information.  Then however you say Oscar sees Edward, so the parking lot isn't empty at all lol.

Do Police often offer free rides home to drunkeds?  This is a genuine question by the way.  In England they will gie you a free ride to the cells lol.  I guess this is to show the change in  attitudes though as the fuzz don't offer later?

I enjoyed this but it was very bleak.  I'm not sure I undertand why Oscar bought a bottle of vodka if he's short of money; couldn't he just use something else to smash the window?  Oerall though this was a nice intersting read with plenty of sad realism.  Good job, Mark.

Quoted from irish eyes I read that one already... I'll dig through your selection

Quoted from reaper Huh?  I don’t have anything posted -- not yet.You must be hitting the bottle too much . . . like Oscar. :P

Lol.  I must be.  There's somebody else named reaper somewhere on the boards and I must have come across one of their scripts.

Sorry!

Hey Col.

I now know what elegiac means!  Thank you.  At first, I was a little worried it meant boring somehow.  :-)

Thank you very much for checking this one out for me.  I'm glad you got the story.  Where are you from, anyway, if you don't mind me asking.  I know we've talked a bit before, but I was never sure where you were from exactly.

Quoted from Col Why does Oscar need a lift home from the cops when he pulls up in his car? I doubt it’s because he thinks he’s over the drink-driving limit, this was 1977 after all. I’m guessing I’m missing something blatantly obvious here.

No, you're not missing anything.  Oscar's just a little too weary from his all-day drinking binge and feels he needs a ride home.  You're right, though.  He'd probably man up and try to make it home.  Other than showing the difference in police from the past to nowadays, I also wanted to show that Oscar was always responsible and a well-rounded person.

Oscar was one of the luckier ones and was able to stay employed while he was younger.  (I referenced this in his dialogue to Ernie while he was in the liquor store.)  The only reason he's so down and out now is because he never got his pension and he can't make the mortgage anymore.  I know it's very subtle in the story, but I didn't want to come out and expedite the information straight out and be too on the nose.

Yeah, I meant the kind of crowbar that has a chiseled end.  I have to go back and make that clear.

I'm glad the ending worked for you, too.  You brought up an interesting idea about using himself as the instrument to break the window, and had I gone the darker route with this, I definitely would've incorporated that, but I did stick with the more realistic ending, albeit anti-climactic.

Thank you very much for the compliments, Col.  I'm happy you got into it and thanks for the thoughts.

- Mark

Hey James.  (and Reaper)

This isn't the first time I've been accused of having some problems with my loglines.  I don't know why that is.  At first, I kind of like 'em as I think of them, but then, overtime, I do realize it's not the best way to tell what the story is about, or somebody else brings it up.

I might have to do some studying on what makes good log lines.

Nevertheless, thank you very much for the compliments, James, and I'm glad to see that the story worked for you.

Hope to see your rewrite soon.

- Mark

Thank you for clearing up the issues I raised.

You got a strong piece here, would make a great short if you had access to the locations, they're so intrinsic to the story. I always have an affinity for films that encapsulate a certain time/era and place. American Graffiti and Atlantic City always come to mind.

Quoted from rc1107 Where are you from, anyway, if you don't mind me asking.  I know we've talked a bit before, but I was never sure where you were from exactly.

- I'm Irish. Although I've been travelling for the past two years, living in Auckland, New Zealand since October.

Quoted from alffy No FADE IN, personally I feel I can't continue after such a basic schoolboy error so I'm out....

Fuck you.

Quoted from alffy Only joking....

I'm not.

Yes I am!  Thanks for taking the read, Anthony.

Yeah, this takes place in Youngstown, Ohio.  It does limit where it could be shot at, and I did know that while writing it, but I had such a strong version of the story in my head, I had to put it on paper.

Gotcha about the empty parking lot.  I'll go and rearrange that in the brush up rewrite.

Yeah, you're right about the fuzz.  This was just to show the change in the times and attitudes.

And you also brought up a very big plothole that I was hoping would go unnoticed, that Oscar had money to blow it on a bottle of vodka he's not even going to drink, but not to catch the bus.  I'll have to examine that closer too, though I don't think there's a way around that one.  Thanks for bringing it up when no one else did, jerk.

:-)

Just kidding Anthony.  Thank you very much for the read and the thoughts.  You brought up some interesting points I should iron out before I submit this anywhere.


Hey again, Col.

Unfortunately, this one will probably HAVE to be filmed here in Youngstown.  I wrote this one thinking there's so many rust belt cities here in the states I'd hopefully get lucky.  I wrote another story that's very Youngstown-oriented and the director found a way to shoot it in New York without taking the Youngstown setting out of it.  I guess I just let this story get a little too attached to Youngstown.

Living in New Zealand, now?  Sounds cool.  I don't know how big it is, but if you see Dan Botha, tell him I said hi.  :-)

- Mark

Hey Mark,

I read this the other day and read it again today - wanted to let it sit for a bit.

I really enjoy these 'slice of life' stories - too often 'shorts' are disposable in a way and either out to shock or provide cheap thrills or they've been done to death, and don't leave the reader with much to ruminate on. Now, don't get me wrong there's a place for those, (not the done to death one's) but it's also refreshing to read 'shorts' of a more serious tone too imh.

I suppose the only thing I would worry about with this would be the ability of a film maker to create the atmosphere you've set up here. You know this place so I expect it would have to be another 'native' or someone with a close association to the town and subject matter.

If there's a theme to be got here my interpretation is that it's about leaving your mark - the idea that 'we were here' 'we mattered, we were productive' etc. What other people might regard as 'small town lives' - but which in reality most people live. Not rich, not famous, not publicly esteemed but who in the scheme of things are the vital cogs in the wheels. And to a lesser extent about how useful you are as you get older and are no longer in your prime in terms of usefulness.

'An old man's muscle runs out sooner or later' & 'Only the first dark beast this town'll see'-  I really liked these lines.

Some nice little unfilmables too. Enough to paint a picture to create a mood and sense of place without them being to excess. Good job on that.

Interesting bit re the cops and the fact they're no longer accommodating -
days gone by...all that.

I've gotta say towards the end of this when Oscar goes inside the Mill I was thinking something else a little more dramatic was going to happen - hence the second read, but upon reflection I think it suits nicely. It left me thinking, and that's what you want to achieve so that's the main thing I suppose.

My only comment regarding your writing is, as I think Col' mentioned - all those 'ands' seem excessive to me. Are you attached to them?? cause they just laboured the read a bit for me, and I don't think taking a few of them out would hurt the writing any.

Example: 'He locks up the door behind him and pockets the key.'
Is it not enough to say, 'He locks the door behind him, pockets the key'.

I respect writing that goes for rhythm and I'll often do this myself and am not afraid to use 'ings' and 'lys' for example if I feel it fits within the tone I'm going for, and is still 'active' but this habit of yours did slow the read up a bit for me -- and I haven't noticed it in your other writing??

Anyway, compared to everything else that's a small quibble.

I knew another writer on this site quite some time ago who also was able to evoke a similar feeling of time, place, atmosphere and character, so well done. It requires a certain level of writer imh to be able to do it right and you achieved that.

Really enjoyed this, Mark.

:)

Hey Libby.

Thank you very much for the comments on this one.  I agree with you about how disposable a lot of shorts are.  I've always enjoyed short stories my whole life, so I might take them a little more serious than most.

Quoted from Libby I suppose the only thing I would worry about with this would be the ability of a film maker to create the atmosphere you've set up here. You know this place so I expect it would have to be another 'native' or someone with a close association to the town and subject matter.

I agree.  That's the main problem with this one.  It'll more than most likely have to be shot here locally, but I was hoping that the story could be adapted to wherever the director lives.

But, I still wanted the story on paper anyway, so at least it exists there.  Maybe one day.

Quoted from LC If there's a theme to be got here my interpretation is that it's about leaving your mark - the idea that 'we were here' 'we mattered, we were productive' etc. What other people might regard as 'small town lives' - but which in reality most people live. Not rich, not famous, not publicly esteemed but who in the scheme of things are the vital cogs in the wheels. And to a lesser extent about how useful you are as you get older and are no longer in your prime in terms of usefulness.

I really like your interpretation of the theme I was going for.  I was just going to say 'This town sucks', but yours is worded a lot more elegant.  :-)

I've noticed I do like to use a few unfilmables here and there, and I know it when I'm writing it, but I decide to keep them in anyway either because I like the tone they set, or I don't think they get in the way of the read too much.  I'm glad to see they didn't get in the way of your read.

Trust me, having a little more of a dramatic tragic ending crossed my mind, but I stayed firm and kept with telling a simple story of how the top corner window of our mill got smashed.

...And's...  Hmm.  I've never really thought about my use of 'and's until Col brought it up.  I'm definitely going to go back and pay close attention to how much I use it.  (And I'm definitely going to check the things I've been working on lately.  I'm wondering if I picked up the habit just recently since you've said you never noticed it before.)

Hmm.  I'm wondering if i know the other writer you're talking about who was able to evoke those feelings of place and character and everything.  I might want to check out some of his/her stuff.

And thank you very-  ... I mean...  Thank you very much for the compliments again, Libby.  I'm really glad it made you think and I'm extremely glad you were able to go back through and read it a second time.  (I was really worried about this one being a little too boring and hard to get into.)

Thanks for your thoughts!

- Mark