The Boy with the Glass Eye by Jack Ross - Short - When the orphanage bullies try to seal Alabaster Tabernacle's glass eye, they're caught by their headmistress, who has a thing for physical punishment.  5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Either this is the largest cupboard in the world, or your slug line is wrong.  I'd like to think this story takes place in a massive cupboard, but I'm pretty sure that's not the case.

You need ages after you introduce your characters.  I pictured Alabaster as a 47 year old.  Who was quite small.

Your descriptions are confusing.  I'm not sure what kind of cupboard has a light, a small door that opens inward, and is called a vanity.

Actually you have three names for this location.  You call it a cupboard, a vanity, and a cubbyhole.  They all evoke different images.

Earl and Frankie don't really do anything for the story.  You don't need them.

It would be better if Ms. Gabrian thought that Alabaster was an angel.

I think it might be a little overboard for Paulie to be whipped for taking the glass eye.  Maybe spanked, but when you say he was whipped, I think of Denzel Washington and a single tear.

If this is your first try at screenwriting, it's not that bad.  Join in on the festivities here, and you'll have all the resources at hand to write the next blockbuster movie.  Well maybe not the next blockbuster movie, but at least a respectable indie film.

Jordan

Haven't seen you around before, Jack, so I don't know whether you'll show up to make comments or reviews of others work.  Accordingly, I'll keep my remarks fairly brief.

Some scatter shot thoughts:

Your action sequence starts with an exterior setting, yet your slug line refers to an Interior setting of the cupboard.

You should get rid of the "Continued's" on the bottom of each page.  

The sign outside the orphanage reads "Branigan House Orphanage" whereas Alibaster refers to it as Gabrian House.  Need to fix that ambiguity.

Page 1: A rocking chair lies on it’s side, s/b "its"

Page 1: "we see that both bis eyes" s/b "his eyes"

I doubt they made hand held tape recorders back in 1940, or if they did, they would be affordable for any kid in an orphanage.

You don't properly introduce Paulie Monaco in the action sequence before he starts speaking.

There may be more, and I'll let others comment if they wish.  While the visuals themselves were pretty good, the story itself seemed slight and left me with a feeling of "that's it?"  I didn't have a problem with the dialogue, just the story itself.

Gary

Hi Jack,

There's some good feedback here from both Jordan and Gary.

I had to read the opening several times to get the exact location of where we were. You introduce it as being in a cupboard, but we're clearly ouutside the houuse. The initial slug could be changed to:

EXT. BRANIGAN HOUSE ORPHANAGE - DAY

The opening action and at other points in the script looks a tad overwritten too. It could be:

An ageing Victorian mansion that looks in a state of disrepair. Its bricks worn and faded, its shutters battered, the paint on the porch columns peels.

Or something to that effect.

I LOVE the name Alabaster Tabernacle though! Very Sleepy Hollow. And I loved the description of Paulie.... " a boy sized meatball".

I agree with Jordan about the cupboard/vanity issue. Once you identify something as something, you should always refer to it as the same in future.

All in all, this wasn't bad. Just tighten up the writing a tad and try to make sure you make it clear to the reader exactly where they are.

Kip.

When there's a typo in your logline, I know exactly what's to follow and for that reason alone, I didn't even open up the script.

reading some feedback, it looks like I'm right, as usual...or always.   ;D ;D ;D

You've got to edit and check your work before you post it. You've got to act like you care.

Hope to see you jumping in here and reading and commenting on other scripts, as it's a great way to learn and get to know the peeps of SS.

Best of luck.

Wow Jeff, why are you such a douche all the time? I've got nothing wrong with giving people constructive criticism but it seems like every time I'm in the comment section, and you've posted something, it's typically ultra-negative. Are you a renowned screenwriter? Are you making a living off of your work? Please enlighten me because if not, just offer some helpful words to people or find something else to do.

I'm going to skip commenting on the cupboard-thing.  It's been covered by others.

Your descriptions are very loose.  The opening description of the orphanage could be as:

Quoted Text A Victorian mansion.  Peeling paint, cracked bricks and missing shutters hide what this house once was.

Keep it simple.  Tell us only what's needed.

When introducing people (especially kids) it's good to give us their ages.  Saying that Allibaster is small for his age doesn't tell me anything.  Is is five or ten years old?  It makes a big difference in how we see things.

The story, itself, didn't work.  This read more like a scene in a larger piece.  And the logline was very misleading.  I got the impression that the headmistress was going to have a bigger role, not just a cameo.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Quoted from Sphinx Wow Jeff, why are you such a douche all the time? I've got nothing wrong with giving people constructive criticism but it seems like every time I'm in the comment section, and you've posted something, it's typically ultra-negative. Are you a renowned screenwriter? Are you making a living off of your work? Please enlighten me because if not, just offer some helpful words to people or find something else to do.

Curt, is there something you disagree with in my comments here?  Do you think it's cool to have typos and mistakes in loglines?  You ever heard of red flags?

Considering you have a whopping 8 posts on SS, your "every time I'm in the comment section" doesn't hold too much water, bro.

Jeff, you shouldn't criticize scripts when you don't even open the file.  And that's from someone with over 7600 posts.  

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put the block back on you so I don't I have to read your self-indulgent comments.


Phil

OK, Phil, whether or not you see or read this post, I'll respond.

IMO, and many others as well, the logline will almost always show you what you can expect in the script proper.  If there are glaring mistakes in writing, or just typos, it shows that the writer either doesn't know how to write, doesn't know how to edit, or just doesn't give a shit either way.  As a matter of fact, I'm sure you've brought up logline issues many times before, whether or not you opened the script.

Not sure how this is self indulgent.  It's help.  Period.  Any help is good help.  But that's coming from Mr. Self Indulgent.

Quoted from Dreamscale ...the logline will almost always show you what you can expect in the script proper.  If there are glaring mistakes in writing, or just typos, it shows that the writer either doesn't know how to write, doesn't know how to edit, or just doesn't give a shit either way.

There you go again, Jeff, with that 'logic' and 'common sense' mumbo jumbo.  How dare you form a rational thought and voice your opinion.  

And what's this I see?  You told someone to "edit and check their work before posting"?  That's hardly constructive.

Shameful.  Absolutely shameful.

If he's that's annoying for you, Jordan, you can block him.  Just go to your member center and click on User Message Block.  Then add his name.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe If he's that's annoying for you, Jordan, you can block him.  Just go to your member center and click on User Message Block.  Then add his name.Phil

Get a clue, dumbass.  He's joking and basically saying you're a twit for your post.

Adding my 2 cents here:

If you will recall, uploading the logline and the script are two different steps.

I suspect many upload their script -- and then, they are like, "Oh, fu**, I gotta do a logline, too!"

It happens to me every OWC.

And then these folks probably dash off something in haste.

Equating the logline to the script may not be fair.  Or maybe it is, but it is probably case-by-case.

Without taking sides here, I will state that lately I see a growing trend for comments on loglines alone.  Too many for my taste.

Not saying it is wrong, really.  But I do not do it, personally.

Jeff- You're right. I don't have that many comments. I spend most of time practicing on writing and editing my own work, so I don't always have the time to critique others. This doesn't mean I still don't actively read people's scripts when I have the opportunity and I scan the comments to see if I can add something that others have missed. In most cases I am too late. On the contrary, you have over 7,000 posts- most of which mock others and make them feel insecure about even posting their work in the first place. You are entitled to your opinion, but if you think I am adovcating typos and mistakes just because I don't believe in berating people then you are mistaken. As I said before, I welcome criticism and I do my best to help others with their work.

You, however, show a lack of respect for the writers in this community and apparently possess a great deal of self-confidence in your own opinions. For someone who is clearly up there in age this doesn't exemplify a great deal of maturity on your part. I'm not sure why you would take the time to post on something you didn't read just to say you didn't read it. Is missing out on your "expert" critique such a vital loss? Is the script salvageable if you aren't there to bash it? I suggest that if you have a problem with other people's scripts then you politely notify them as to what areas need to be addressed. I'm sure you'll disregard this advice and form some condescending remark that you believe comes off witty and clever, but I can assure that if you hope to branch out as a screenwriter and make it a career, your attitude couldn't be worse.

Please keep it about the script, folks.  Thanks.

Phil, are you seriously implying that you haven't...and don't do the same?  Really?  C'mon now.

Michael, I will attempt to respect your wishes and will send our boy Kurt a PM in response to his post about me.

To the writer of this script, what I said was meant to help you.  Whether or not the log was rushed or not doesn't matter.  You want o garner interest in your script and you as a writer, a typo/mistake/issue like this in your log is a killer every time.

Great to see the Sock back in action.

Jack

Page by Page notes/reactions:

INT. CUPBOARD – DAY

“The exterior of an aging Victorian style mansion. The
shutters are tattered and hanging off, the bricks are worn
and faded. The paint on the front porch’s columns is chipped
and the whole thing looks like it could blow over in a
moment. A rocking chair lies on it’s side.”

- Try to limit your blocks of description down to four lines max. Nice descriptions here nonetheless, you get a feel for the place but it’s way too baggy and overwritten. Replace “and” with a comma where possible.

I’m guessing the slug line is a mistake?

Also, a super or caption telling us the year in which this is set wouldn’t go amiss as this is obviously not set in contemporary times.

“ALABASTER TABERNACLE.”

- What a name!

“solved Gabrian House’s”

- Should this not be “Branigan House”?

“Paulie Monaco”

- Another fantastic handle!

“Alabaster tries to wither him with a cold stare.”

- Maybe replace “wither” with “intimidate” or “annoy” depending on what you actually mean by “wither”.

ALABASTER
Try me blockhead. You cant even get
in here.

- I had to laugh at the  name “blockhead”

“She is MARIE GABRIAN,”
- Again, should this be “Branigan”

Not much to say here, it’s a nice little set-up and pay-off with a ghoulish touch, although it could do with an extra twist or surprise to punch it up to something better. I realise you can’t do a lot with 4 pages so maybe think about expanding it

You have an interesting setting with the orphanage,bully and bullied dynamic between the kids and the gruesome Roald Dahl-esque Mrs Garbrian/Branigan. I could see nobody but Helena Botham Carter play that role!

As it stands though, it’s quite simplistic; boy has glass eye, bully take it, one eyed teacher reclaims it, boy gets off the hook, not much else…However I was intrigued by Alabaster’s initial monologue over some mystery going on at the orphanage. Does this indicate that there is a bigger story going on here that we are not privy to yet...or just Alabaster’s active imagination?

Like I said, it’s not bad, the eye patch sporting Mrs. Gabrian/Branigan lifting up said patch was kind of amusing in a silly way but, I would like to see more to this, its feels too straightforward thus unsatisfying as a whole.

But first things first, get into the habit of breaking up those blocks of action lines. Always look to pare down the writing to the necessary details that we, the audience, can see on screen. Read as many (good) scripts as you can, absorb and apply to your own work.

Best of luck

Col.

Formatting points have been addressed in earlier posts, so would go straight into what I thought of the story:

It had potential to be an interesting story about a boy's revenge and could be expanded / fleshed out more.

Some suggestions (they may or may not work, please feel free to take them with a pinch of salt)

• PAULIE's first line of dialogue was inconsistent with the way he had been described / I had imagined him. IMO, a bully would not ask to borrow, he would simply take.
  

• Some of the actions could be shortened for greater impact, instead of being spelt out in a step-by-step manner. E.g. 'He grins and laughs as he holds it up high above his head.' could be 'He laughs and holds it up high above his head.'
  

• Instead of having the viewer follow Paulie through the hallway as he walks from the original room to the room where Earl and Frankie were waiting, cut straight there / start a new scene.
  

PAULIE
Boys I brought us some trash to throw away.

He hold(s) up the glass eyeball.

PAULIE (CONT.)
And I got the eyeball too.

This part stood out to me, it's clever writing, but a more action-driven entrance for Paulie (when he brings Alabaster into the room where Earl and Frankie is) could also be considered.

All the best!