Dead Evolution by Stuart Mower (scmower) - Horror - Ten years after a viral plague cause the dead to rise survivors on the outskirts of London discover a new danger has appeared more formidable than the Undead. 105 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Stuart

Sounds interesting. I will give this a read tonight and get back with some feedback.

Had a quick glance at the first few pages.

On page 1...they start to move.

Should this not be....She starts to move...?

Also I would turn off the (CONTINUED) at the top and bottom of the pages, no need for them.

Hi, thanks for taking your time to look at my script. That bit you pointed out was deliberate. I was meaning her eyes move, maybe I could have written it differently. I just didn't want 2 sentences next to each other like 'the eyes A. The eyes then B.' Maybe that coul have worked.

Also I've turned 'continue' off my software. I've generally never really bothered about it, I thought it was just personal preference or something. But I googled it and apparently it should only be in shooting scripts. So yeah, it's off. Might take a while to update though.

Stuart, you've got multiple mistakes in your logline and I know from experience that if someone can't write a single sentence correctly, they're definitely not going to be able to write a script properly.

I know that sounds very harsh, but it's the cold reality.  You've got to check and edit your work and act like you both care and are proud of what you're presenting.  Blatant, glaring mistakes are not the way to show us anything other than laziness.

Best of luck.

My keyboard is broken and I'm using an external one that has a dodgy 'd'. If you want specifics the script was written over the summer, keyboard went crappy over Christmas. Must have missed it while entering the logline but I'm still getting used to checking to make sure my goddamn 's' and 'd' still work. I'll give you that a comma could probably have been used after rise, but I'm not sweating that too much.

I'd be happy to prove you wrong about writing a script correctly but I know this has those 'continued' things that really annoy you (which I always just assumed was personal taste and they didn't/still don't bother me as my above post points out) so that's gonna lose me points as well.

Read if you will or back out now. The choice is up to you. Thanks for at least looking at the logline.

Hey Stuart.

Sucks about your keyboard.  I'll cut some slack on the grammar.

You're going way overboard with the description.  Just stick to the story.  I don't care about the starless sky or what parts of the female corpse are missing unless it's important.  It surprises me how little action there is since action lines are pretty much all you have in these first pages.  You're writing a novel as opposed to a script.

Sorry if I came across as harsh.  Best of luck.

Johnny

Hey, no that's fine. It's pretty valid now that I think of it. There is quite a lot of detail at the start I could probably trim down. I started writing this as an assignment at university and was ll like 'DESCRIPTION BABEH'. There used to be more, cause an earlier draft of the script had the world be permanent night due to radiation. I think I go overboard a bit trying to set up the world and everything in it, which might be for myself, trying to get into the mindset, but you're right it could probably be trimmed.

Cheers.

Hi Stuart,

Read the script. I liked the story. But there are a few problems:

(1)
There is not enough action in the beginning.

(2)
I'm also not convinced how 'the living' can finally win their battle against ‘the living dead’.  And even if they dispose of all the living dead,  are there enough (healthy) humans left to sustain the human race.

If you can’t beat them, cure them? Maybe there is someone who gets bitten but does not turn because of his special blood group. His blood caries the cure, turning the living dead (that still have enough quality of live – all their limbs) in to the living. Yes, I know, it's not very original but it is a something.

(3)
Go over all of your sluglines again.

(4)
Furthermore there are a lot of spelling errors, left out words, double words, incorrect sentences etc. It needs a good proofread by someone who is not Dutch, like me.

With regards,

Rutger

Just a quick note.

Whatever location your present in a logline, that's what should be described immediately after.  For instance, your first slug is EXT. ROAD.  But rather than describe the road first, you instead first describe the lands it's on.  Putting the cart before the horse, in a way.  Try --

EXT. WASTELAND - DAY

Barren land.  A two-lane stretch of sun-baked asphalt.  A fallen, dust-covered
road sign reads "LONDON - 20 mi."  

Paints the same picture, but in less space and more clearly.  A quick question, though, and pardon if I'm off-base -- but England uses the metric system, yes?  Shouldn't that read "km" rather than "miles?"  Maybe it's always been miles, I dunno.  Never been to England.

At any rate, point is, strive for clarity in your descriptions above all else.  As written, it reads like prose, not a script.  Give us a general picture, maybe point out one or two specific detailes to give it some personality.  This isn't a painting, it's a screenplay.  Story is what matters, not how much grass is on the side of the road.

I wish I could give you more feedback, but honestly, I've read so damn many spec zombie scripts over the last ten years that if I see one more, I'll punch a hole in the wall lol

Nevertheless, best of luck, and keep writing. :)

- Lon