Hitman Interview by Felix Hockey - Short, Crime - Henry is on his way to a job interview. On his way, he meets numerous characters and finds out that the world of crime is not as full of glamour as it seems. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Ok, the link thing is fixed.  I read through it, and I have to say that, honestly, this is a mess.  The formatting is off, there are numerous grammatical errors (e.g., I counted at least eight times where you didn't have a period at the end of a sentence), you don't properly introduce characters--I mean, you're main character, Henry, isn't even properly described-- and the story just doesn't seem to flow right.

You need to read some of the scripts online here or elsewhere, especially ones where the writer is given high marks for the work, and then try to learn from that.  You also need to go back and edit, edit, edit, then edit some more before you post to the site, especially when it comes to grammatical issues.

Here's just one example where editing can help:

You have Henry talking with Greg in the waiting room.  You never say Greg leaves the room or goes elsewhere, yet in the next action sequence, he is being rolled out on a hospital bed, his face all bloodied.  Huh?  He spoke a line not two seconds before, and now he's bloodied up and coming from another part of the office?  Got to tighten that stuff up.

Don't want to discourage you from writing at all, but you won't learn unless people give you the complete truth about your work.  This needs a complete re-write, so give it a shot, edit this to death, and then re-post.   If you want me to be more specific about the other errors in the script, PM me and I'll respond.

Cheers,
Gary

I agree with everything hawkeye just said.  But I would be lying if I said I didn’t laugh several times reading this.  Maybe with a drastic re-write, this could be extra funny.

I found a lot of problems with this script.  Gary mentioned formatting and grammatical errors.  And there were also spelling errors.  These get very annoying.  You also need to tighten up on your descriptions:

Quoted Text Henry wakes up and rolls out of bed. His room is untidy and full of junk. He pulls himself up bleary eyed. He looks at the calender where days are crossed off until it gets to a circled one (weekday). His eyes light up. Montage of Henry getting changed into a black suit.

could be better written as:

Quoted Text Henry rolls out of bed.  He crosses his messy room to a calendar.  Days are crossed off until it gets to a circled one. He pulls a black suit from a closet and gets dressed.

I just trimmed a third of the words in this sequence.

On page three, you have Henry telling us this long voice over why he wants to be a hitman.  Show us this!  Don't tell us!  Talk is boring.

I understand what you were doing in this world that you created, where organized crime is out in the open and comical, but a lot of it fell flat.  The ending especially fell flat.  I feel like I missed something.

Read some scripts, here.  It's very educational.


Phil

Okay - not a bad idea, but not the best execution either. Sorry, but this could work in better hands, or you're going to have to work at your writing.

Is Felix around?  Maybe we should hold off on further reviews until we hear from him.


Phil

Phil and Gary are so very, very right. Unfortunately this has a lot mistakes. Characters names need to be CAPITALIZED the first time we see them on screen. I have an issue with the way the montage is structured as well. I try and stay away from montages whenever possible, but if I feel it is necessary then I'm going to draw attention to it, not just causally mention it like a normal line of action language. Something like

MONTAGE

or

BEGIN MONTAGE

- Henry poses in front of the mirror....


I didn't get past the first few pages unfortunately, but from what I'm hearing it's more of the same. But if you rewrite it I'd be happy to take a look.

- Kurt

Hi guys.

I understand what you mean about some of the grammatical mistakes and the full stops.

However, I looked over the script and I couldn't find any spelling mistakes. Could somebody give me a hint of where they are?

Thanks for the feedback