Anyway But Dead by Daniel Alexander and Frank Guido (bangrangproductions) - Action, Adventure - Two corrupt cops are marked for death after stealing five million dollars belonging to a vicious crime lord. 114 pages - pdf, format 8)

HTML? Hm. I mean, it's better than Word, but PDF is best. Plus this Scriptbuddy thing makes the font really small on my screen.

This seems to be well written, but I'm not going to read very far until you show up. I will say, you've got a couple of big paragraphs that might discourage readers.

I think the parenthetical "panics, doesn't wanna get hit again" is pretty redundant and could be left out. This passage makes perfect sense without it.

I'll go into more detail if you show up.

Will

Hey Daniel and Frank.

Rule of thumb, try to keep your action lines at four or less.  Break it up if you have to or shave off a few unnecessary details.

So one thing I noticed while reading your script is your character introductions.  While from a technical standpoint there's nothing wrong with them, the arrangement to me is a bit awkward for me.  Active sentences arranged in a sort of passive way.

Instead of labeling Victor as, "a man standing at the window", just have, "VICTOR (40's), African-American, stands at the window."  It's not perfect but introducing your characters straight up instead of doing the round-about with the descriptions preceeding the character is better for the flow IMO.

Also, don't know why but "This is (whoever)" in your introductions is a personal pet peeve for me as it takes me out of the story.  Don't know why but everytime I read that phrase in scripts, my mind automatically clicks over to narrator and freeze frame.  Naming your characters right off the bat should eliminate the use for it.  Just a suggestion though.

You have this set up with the other characters.  Instead of:

"...walks past A MAN HANDCUFFED TO A CHAIR, this is RICHIE, (30's), he's bloody..."
try:
"...walks past RICHIE(30's), bloody and beaten.  He's handcuffed to a chair."

BTW, it better to give specific ages in your description.  For all we know, Richie could be a young 30 year old or a middle-aged 39 year old.  That 9 year gap can have quite an impact in character IMO.

You've also got some unfilmables (Corso's stylish, charming, and dangerous.  Lester Gibbons, Corso's right hand man).  Show instead of tell.  I mean, you show us that Corso is stylish with the Armani suit and he's obviously dangerous as he beats the crap out of Richie so that line isn't needed.

I've never seen exclaimation points in action lines except with sound effects.  I'm not sure if it's a big deal but I suggest using it with dialogue and sound effects.

Hopefully this helped.  Good luck with the script guys.

Johnny

Thanks for the feedback guys.  First, sorry if the linked site is kinda crappy or whatever, once we got the final revisions done we're gunna PDF the damn thing.  A little history on the project.  It was a BS assignment that Co writer Frank had in filmschool several years back, he had the barebones of it but nothing completed and/or properley formatted.  Got an A on it too if i recall, goes to show you how pointless film school can be.  It sat around for awhile and i dug up a copy of the project awhile ago and really liked the idea of these low level corrupt cops putting themselves in a situation where they go all the way down this path of destruction becuase of that corruption and greed.  i liked the fact that these two guys were unlikable leads.  I thought the idea of a villian who doesnt wanna be a bad guy anymore was interesting too.  So it took along time figuring out the themes and characters, and motivations, and goals, but it was really fun, and a lot of work.  It went through a lot of drafts.  And its probably 80 percent where we want it at but that extra 20% is gonna be the hardest part.  Ive already gone through and started to put your guys' suggestions in place.  Took a break from it and coming back with refreshed eyes made me spot some stuff that needs to cleaned up and polished and reworked.  So any additional comments would be awesome and I appreciate the criticism and help.  Working on a few projects right now.  Couple comedies, sci-fi flick, another action/thriller.  We're really trying to get stuff out there and sold. Thanks guys.  (PS- scriptshadow.net, great site with awesome tips, used this a lot to help with this and other projects, check it out.)