Students (Sitcom Pilot) by Tom - Comedy - James Collins, young, idealistic, and new to university quickly finds it fails to live up to his romanticized expectations. 38 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Tom.

I think this qualifies as a series above all but doesn't really matter.  Just thought I'd bring it up.

The scenes don't need to be numbered.  That's usually done with the shooting script or so I've read but not in spec scripts.

A few problems with your first sentence (not a great way to start).  "Tallish" just sounds terrible.  If he's "tallish", wouldn't he just be tall?  This sentence is also passive.  "Is waiting" is better written simply as "waits".  I also suggest putting his age in parenthesis (makes the description shorter).  Besides, labeling him a student is technically unfilmable.  This is all in the first sentence so I'm concerned about the rest of the pilot.

Wouldn't recommend putting title cards in your script.  Leave that up to the film crew.  Stick to the story.

More passive writing.  Clean it up and stick to lines without the word "is".  "Boyish"...another adjective which doesn't read well.  "-ish" may have its uses but for me it isn't at the end of boy or tall.  If you can't find the proper adjective then best to leave it out and focus on the story.

I'll stop there.  Sorry if I sounded harsh and I wish you the best of luck with the sitcom.

Johnny

Purely for reasons of time, I've been unable to continue, but this is very enjoyable. Witty and well-written, you've crafted distinct characters and dropped in some enjoyable references. The lecturer, Greg, is very amusing, as was the simple Admin Woman character. I can see those 2 characters easily working on screen.

There's already a strong draw between Ben and James, that felt organic. My only complaint so far is that the scene with James, Emma and Ben (after the lecture) felt a little out of place, tonally. You're obviously establishing the tone, but something about it felt out of place with that excellent opening. It lacked something, but I'll reassess that when I come to reading this later.

This is a very promising script, and I will definitely come back once I've finished reading it.

I strongly recommend people give this a read.

Hello,

This has a very good story. I like it.

The only thing that doesn't check is that Ben was born in April of 1996. That would make him 16, not 18. Especially since it was 2012. And I don't know if it's possible, but it's rare for a 16 year old to be in a University.

Also, a few grammar and formatting issues, but those are minor errors.

Keep writing.

Chris :)

Quoted from Chris Ramos Hello, This has a very good story. I like it. The only thing that doesn't check is that Ben was born in April of 1996. That would make him 16, not 18. Especially since it was 2012. And I don't know if it's possible, but it's rare for a 16 year old to be in a University. Also, a few grammar and formatting issues, but those are minor errors. Keep writing. Chris :)

Thanks. I can't believe I missed the birthday issue but it's fixed now.

Quoted from Andrew Purely for reasons of time, I've been unable to continue, but this is very enjoyable. Witty and well-written, you've crafted distinct characters and dropped in some enjoyable references. The lecturer, Greg, is very amusing, as was the simple Admin Woman character. I can see those 2 characters easily working on screen. There's already a strong draw between Ben and James, that felt organic. My only complaint so far is that the scene with James, Emma and Ben (after the lecture) felt a little out of place, tonally. You're obviously establishing the tone, but something about it felt out of place with that excellent opening. It lacked something, but I'll reassess that when I come to reading this later. This is a very promising script, and I will definitely come back once I've finished reading it. I strongly recommend people give this a read.

Thanks. We got a bit of feedback that James and Ben came across as unlikable and that we hadn't made the audience care or know enough about them, hence the scene after the lecture. I agree though that it tonally clashes with the other early scenes. Where have you read up to?

Quoted from RegularJohn Hey Tom. I think this qualifies as a series above all but doesn't really matter.  Just thought I'd bring it up. The scenes don't need to be numbered.  That's usually done with the shooting script or so I've read but not in spec scripts. A few problems with your first sentence (not a great way to start).  "Tallish" just sounds terrible.  If he's "tallish", wouldn't he just be tall?  This sentence is also passive.  "Is waiting" is better written simply as "waits".  I also suggest putting his age in parenthesis (makes the description shorter).  Besides, labeling him a student is technically unfilmable.  This is all in the first sentence so I'm concerned about the rest of the pilot. Wouldn't recommend putting title cards in your script.  Leave that up to the film crew.  Stick to the story. More passive writing.  Clean it up and stick to lines without the word "is".  "Boyish"...another adjective which doesn't read well.  "-ish" may have its uses but for me it isn't at the end of boy or tall.  If you can't find the proper adjective then best to leave it out and focus on the story. I'll stop there.  Sorry if I sounded harsh and I wish you the best of luck with the sitcom. Johnny

Thanks for your feedback. We're relative neophytes to screenwriting, so the formatting tips are always appreciated, and I like what you're saying about '-ish' words and the descriptions.

In terms of the story/comedy, what were the pros/cons, or did you not get a chance to read all of it?

Thanks everyone for the feedback. We're currently working on a new draft of the script, but in the meantime, I was wondering if anyone had any concrete criticisms or things the script lacks.

We got a bit of feedback elsewhere that said the script lacked a story or conflict. We like the meandering, uneventful nature of the script, but were wondering if it needs a hook.

Tom,

I'm nearing the end of a first draft of a sit-com pilot, so thought it would do me some good to read and leave feedback on something of a similar ilk :-)

For the most part, I liked this. It reminded me of both an American sit-com called Undeclared, and an English one called Fresh Meat. Are you familiar with them? If not, I'd recommend checking them out, and noting down how they structure each episode, as both are great examples of funny, well structured shows.

But now, onto your script.

The main issue I had with this was the lack of story. Most sit-coms have what is called an A story (the main story), and a B story (the secondary story; some even have a C story as well). The character's establish their goals/ dramatic needs in the opening one or two scenes, and then the rest of the script is one big bit of conflict, whilst the characters overcome obstacles whilst trying to achieve their goals. And more times or not, they fail. One of my favourite sit-coms at the minute is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Watch that show, and then take note of the different story strands, and how they are established.

Another issue I had with this was that as characters, James and Ben felt far too similar. In successful sit-coms, no two characters are the same. Try and find ways to make Ben and James differ.

And also, this script doesn't really end? It just stops? There's no climax, no resolution.

All the best.

Toby.

Quoted from Toby_E Tom, I'm nearing the end of a first draft of a sit-com pilot, so thought it would do me some good to read and leave feedback on something of a similar ilk :-) For the most part, I liked this. It reminded me of both an American sit-com called Undeclared, and an English one called Fresh Meat. Are you familiar with them? If not, I'd recommend checking them out, and noting down how they structure each episode, as both are great examples of funny, well structured shows. But now, onto your script. The main issue I had with this was the lack of story. Most sit-coms have what is called an A story (the main story), and a B story (the secondary story; some even have a C story as well). The character's establish their goals/ dramatic needs in the opening one or two scenes, and then the rest of the script is one big bit of conflict, whilst the characters overcome obstacles whilst trying to achieve their goals. And more times or not, they fail. One of my favourite sit-coms at the minute is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Watch that show, and then take note of the different story strands, and how they are established. Another issue I had with this was that as characters, James and Ben felt far too similar. In successful sit-coms, no two characters are the same. Try and find ways to make Ben and James differ. And also, this script doesn't really end? It just stops? There's no climax, no resolution. All the best. Toby.

Thanks for your feedback. I've watched both Undeclared and Fresh Meat and read the script, so I'm quite familiar with them. I suppose we're trying to make a show similar to those two, but with a style of humour and general tone more in line with The Office (UK), Extras and The Trip.

We've had people mention the lack of story/conflict, but as weird as it sounds, we quite like the distinct lack of setup and sitcom-y structure. We're trying to make a quite realistic, grounded comedy that relies more on the awkwardness of the situations than any driving plot events.

Having said that, we're currently working in a new subplot involving James's recently-ex-girlfriend and a bigger payoff involving the toga, and we're introducing these elements quite early in the script.

I understand your point about the similarity between James and Ben, and we'll definitely try and address it, but the idea is that they're the only two normal people in a world of idiots and so share a natural affinity and worldview.

Hey man,

Even if you are going for that awkwardness of situations-esque comedy, the show still needs to be based around a plot. Now, the plot doesn't have to be anything extravagant, it can be something as simple and realistic/ ordinary as James wanting to get laid or impress a girl. Or Ben wanting to change seminar class, etc.

Take Curb Your Enthusiasm, for instance. Not much happens in each episode, but there is still a plot. In every episode, Larry wants something: he either wants to explicitly gain something, or he wants to right-his-wrongs.

The danger or avoiding plot means that your script becomes just a bunch of people doing nothing. Characters without dramatic needs make boring characters. Now, whilst this may work for an episode or two, I guarantee people will get bored quickly.

Quoted from Tom Thanks. We got a bit of feedback that James and Ben came across as unlikable and that we hadn't made the audience care or know enough about them, hence the scene after the lecture. I agree though that it tonally clashes with the other early scenes. Where have you read up to?

I'm still up to page 5 or 6. I haven't had chance to read anymore because I've had a busy week, but I will get back around to it.

But I reiterate that this is worth a read for SSers.

Oh, and Tom,

I don't think you need the scene after the lecture... It came across as forced, and unnatural. Try and weave the important information from it in the script via some other method.

Quoted from Toby_E Oh, and Tom, I don't think you need the scene after the lecture... It came across as forced, and unnatural. Try and weave the important information from it in the script via some other method.

Yeah, that's how we kind of felt. We just got a lot of feedback saying we hadn't set up the main characters very well and needed a scene that explained who they were. We are trying to avoid expository scenes like that so we'll have a rethink.

I also know what you're saying about needing a simple plot and we're writing it in now. We're thinking of having James recently broken up with his girlfriend and hence having to try and show her he's landed on his feet, which hopefully gives more significance to his interactions with Natalie.

I really enjoyed this script. I went in thinking that it was going to be a lot like "Undeclared", or other college shows of the type. I like your characters, and I absolutely loved most of the dialog (I'm a huge fan of witty humor). The only things that might need looked at were:
1. The Ron Jeremy reference. This is probably just me, because I honestly didn't know who Ron Jeremy was (I'm not to knowledgeable of adult actors) and I had to Google him. This could have just been my ignorance, but if I didn't know who he was, I'm sure other people might not. Although after I found out who he was I had a good laugh about the joke. I'm not saying it should be taken out, but perhaps you could find a way of making more easier for the few people who don't know who Ron Jeremy is to get the joke.
2. I was somewhat thrown off by the few curse words in it. Once again this might be a nit pick, but I at first thought of this as a prime time type show, but then one of the characters dropped the F bomb and it threw me of guard. There was nothing wrong with it, It just kind of threw me off guard (I'm kind of nit picky like that). You could probably completely ignore that nit pick and it would be fine though.
  All in all, I would call this a pretty solid piece. A little flawed, but I would rather watch this then Two and A Half Men. Keep up the good work!

Quoted from DanielMagden I really enjoyed this script. I went in thinking that it was going to be a lot like "Undeclared", or other college shows of the type. I like your characters, and I absolutely loved most of the dialog (I'm a huge fan of witty humor). The only things that might need looked at were: 1. The Ron Jeremy reference. This is probably just me, because I honestly didn't know who Ron Jeremy was (I'm not to knowledgeable of adult actors) and I had to Google him. This could have just been my ignorance, but if I didn't know who he was, I'm sure other people might not. Although after I found out who he was I had a good laugh about the joke. I'm not saying it should be taken out, but perhaps you could find a way of making more easier for the few people who don't know who Ron Jeremy is to get the joke. 2. I was somewhat thrown off by the few curse words in it. Once again this might be a nit pick, but I at first thought of this as a prime time type show, but then one of the characters dropped the F bomb and it threw me of guard. There was nothing wrong with it, It just kind of threw me off guard (I'm kind of nit picky like that). You could probably completely ignore that nit pick and it would be fine though.   All in all, I would call this a pretty solid piece. A little flawed, but I would rather watch this then Two and A Half Men. Keep up the good work!

Thanks for the feedback.

You said you expected it to be like Undeclared, but after you read it, what did you think?

1. With the Ron Jeremy joke, we're probably banking on most of the audience understanding the reference, as in the scene, it's only the tutor who's oblivious, so we might look at making it clearer for those who don't understand it.

2. We're definitely not aiming for primetime, mainly so we can swear/use more adult references. We're Australian, but we'd be looking at getting it on a network with a similar remit to BBC2 in the UK, or HBO and the other cable channels in the US, so no laughter track or anything like that.

What were the flaws in your opinion?

Again, thanks for the feedback.

I did a quick read through the piece.  Pretty good.  The dialogue flowed well I thought.

However, as a professor myself, I will say that students rarely ever have this type of playful back and forth interaction with the professor during class...especially on the first day.  Usually,on the first day of class most students are too nervous to say a darn thing.  If they do say something, it is usually a serious question about the structure of exams, due dates for papers, etc.   As a professor I have to work to ease that tension on the first day of class so that I can eventaully get a handful of students to routinely participate in class discussions throughout the semster.  

And the thing is that I really am not one of those sterotypical "scary professors".  I make an effort to be friendly and approachable so that my students can have a good learning environment.  I mean, I do get a few extroverted students from time to time that like to try and have witty banter back and forth with me during class, but even those students usually wait a day or two before they start trying to do it.

So I guess for me, while I did think the dialogue flowed well, it just didn't come off as realistic to me since I am in that environment every day.  It kind of reminded me of that comendy on NBC called Community (with Chevy Chase).  While the show had its funny momments, it strayed far from what any real college experience (community college or 4 year university) is really like.  However, I will say that your script stayed more true to the actual classroom experience than Communiity did.

That being said, I think it was a really good effort and you definitely have something that you can work with here.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/139652038/STUDENTS-New-Version

This is the latest version of the script. We tried to address feedback from here relating to plot and minor formatting issues.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/139652846/Students-Treatment

This is the treatment for the series.