Be Mine by Shane Allen Yount - Horror - There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it when a depraved psycho in a Marilyn Monroe mask starts slaughtering people in Austin on Halloween night.  At a party full of costumed college students, Dylan and her friends find themselves fighting for their lives against a relentless killer with an insatiable thirst for blood.  Who is she and what does she want?  They came looking for a good time.  They left needing emergency reconstructive surgery. 98 pages - pdf, format 8)

"They came looking for a good time. They left needing emergency reconstructive surgery". This made me laugh. Imagine it's a trailer, and read that in a serious narrator voice.

Unfortunately the link isn't working. But I will say, your logline definitely made me want to read this... and maybe not in a good way.

Yeah, I couldn't open it up either.

PDF seems to be corrupt

Fixed.

Don

Shane, first let me say, I'm not going to read very far until you show up, but hopefully these notes will get you started.

No FADE IN.

Not a very good opening image. It's like it just starts in the middle of a scene. Doesn't feel like the beginning of a movie at all, IMO.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "IN ON" in your first paragraph. Looks like a camera direction or something... which is something you should stay away from in a spec. (You also use "Focus on" a few page later, which you should also avoid. Takes me out of the story).

I wouldn't name her Dylan. At first glance, I think of a guy, which can get confusing.

You have some good dialogue. Actually, I was a little surprised at how well written this actually is. You do have some flaws, though... a couple long, awkwardly written sentences, plus in your second scene, you do this:

EXT. DEVIL TACOS - ALLEY - INSTANT

In the back alley behind Devil Tacos, Dylan lights a
cigarette.

Saying we're in the back alley is redundant because you already told us in your slug. It's best not to refer back to your slugs in action lines if possible.

And what does "INSTANT" mean, anyway? I think you mean CONTINUOUS or SAME. Never seen "instant" in a slug.

You don't need a colon after character names.

Some pretty big paragraphs. I'm sure you probably already know this, but still: 4 lines max for action paragraphs.

Okay, so like I said, I won't read any further until I'm sure you're around to hear my feedback. Aside from the few issues I mentioned above, this seems to be competently written. It's the story that worries me.

Now, I can't say for sure, since I haven't read very far yet, but if your logline is any indication of the script itself, it's really cliched, sorry to say. Not to mention, in the first five pages the characters mention "going to a party", which is also something that's used a lot in slashers.

I have nothing at all against slashers-- actually I love 'em. But you need to be original... a psycho in a Marilyn Monroe mask killing off teenagers on Halloween is something we've seen countless times. Find a unique angle.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

Will

Shane, a logline is supposed to give us a taste of what the script is about.  And it shouldn't run more than thirty words (twenty is even better).  Yours is seventy-seven.  It should look something like this:

Quoted Text A masked man with an insatiable appetite for blood runs rampant on Halloween night.

I stopped reading after four pages.  You have two people talking about a party for three and a half pages.  Three and a half pages!!  Way too long.  And then you cut to someone else as she's taking off her clothes.

Is there anything in this script that's different from all the other slasher films of the eighties and nineties?  If so, you need to concentrate on that.  If not, then why write this?


Phil

Let me preface with, I am a novice, so my advice and 25 cents will get you a quarter.

But- when the logline is so long and convoluted, it signals to the reader that problems lie ahead. The logline is your 5 second pitch. It's not intended to tell the whole story, just initiate enough interest to read it.  

Hey Shane.

A good and unique slasher is hard to come by these days so when I read the logline, I had to check it out.  I agree with Phil that your logline is way too long.  He also has a point that you aren't pulling any stops with the slasher cliches which is a bit of a let down but I'm going on.

I'm thinking the "IN ON" is another way of writing "CLOSE UP" but it's just a guess.  Correct me if I'm wrong.

I strongly recommend adding ages to your characters.  It'll cost you a few spaces and it goes a long way in terms of visualization.

Rarely do I suggest wrylies but Dylan sounds like a sarcastic person so one on "fantastic" would help.  I'm thinking she's being sarcastic there but I'm still not sure.

Read through to page 9.  Gotta give you props for the kill in this one but unfortunately, 9 pages is just too long for an intro and a kill.  You've got to cut back on the blabbering of some of your characters and get to the slashing.  I know that you want to setup some of your characters and their own goals but you also need to blend in the overall plot to the story and this story is about killing people.  All this talk about the party...get to the party already, though I must say this doesn't feel all too new or unique thus far and some of Louis' dialogue was pretty cheesy.

Also, I advice against the "cheap scare" bits you put in the action lines.  If it's scary, we'll know.  That's all I got for now.  A bit too much detail IMO and needless small talk.  I wish you the best.  Keep writing.

Johnny

How's it going, Shane?

Before I even begin to read the script, I'll start with comments about the premise line; more specifically, the second sentence, since the ones that follow read more like tag lines.

"At a party full of costumed college students, Dylan and her friends find themselves fighting for their lives against a relentless killer with an insatiable thirst for blood."

In the same vain as typical horror slashers, this is a pretty straight forward premise. This could work well depending on how much value you put into genre formulas. Although, the audience, or reader, will go in with a certain expectations and have them met, based on this premise, it may help to imply the killer's motive and, or inciting event that propels the killer to act in the same way as "Sorotiy Row (2009)" in the premise to garner intrigue. And take the place of those tag lines.

Premise: A group of sorority sisters try to cover up the death of their house-sister after a prank gone wrong, only to be stalked by a serial killer. "Sorority Row (2009)"

Tag line: The Sisters of Theta Pi. Are dying to keep a secret.

BLB