Bong Fu by Alex Figueroa - Action, Adventure - Banished from his home, Tai learns Bong Fu from his mentor and must defeat the Hookah Hashassin with the help of his friends schooled in Pipe Quan Do and Joint Jitsue in order to save his family. 108 pages - pdf, format 8)

Link isn't working. Damn! I wanted to read this.

With that logline shouldn't this be a comedy?  Sounds funny, shame the link is duffed.

Looks like it's log-line nite tonite.

Yeah - this has to be comedy - I looked up Bong Fu, and it seems to be messing around with karate, making up your own moves. Pipe Quan Do's the real deal, mind.

Fixed.

Don

still can't open it.


Phil

Phil-- click the link then refresh the "Not available" page.

I got to page four and stopped. It's not bad but you have huge chunks of action, which will make people stop reading, as it did me.

You have way too many wrylies - one of which is 5 lines long. This has to be action, not a parenthetical.

Based on your logline I really wanted to like this, but... thanks to the formatting, bad slugs, big chunks of action and unfilmables, I won't go over the first page. Sorry.

Don't put CONTINUED at the top and bottom of each page. And keep parentheticals to a minimum, like Insider said. And like I mentioned above-- your action paragraphs are too big. Keep them at 4 lines or less.

Look at some pro scripts for a better idea of how it's done, and read about formatting online. If you contribute to the boards you'll get more reads in return, too.

Keep at it and submit again... the premise has the potential to be hilarious, but the script itself just isn't there yet.

Will

How's it goin', Alex?

I, like Will, was looking forward to this story with the amusing title and logline.  Unfortunately I only got through three pages.

The bulky dialogue was getting to me.  Usually people don't stay still during 12 or 13 lines of dialogue.  You need to blend up the action with the dialogue.  Have Uncle gently wave his hands in the air as if it helps add a degree of wisdom and mysticism to his words.  I know he's driving but a bump in the road could disrupt his thoughts and he curses and grabs the reins.  Don't mean to rob your story but just an idea.

Also, the wrylies are also killing it for me.  Most, if not all of them are just actions so write them as such.  You also need to properly introduce your characters.  You gave some description with Tai and Chow but not Uncle.

Some of your action lines are unnecessary.  "...bombard Uncle with silly questions."  Just have them ask the questions.  If you want it to sound rapid, I suggest ending each question with a dash.  Steer clear from unfilmable action lines and unnecessary details and keep to the details that moves the story forward.

A fun start but the writing needs to support it a little better.  I agree that this reads more like a comedy but I've only gotten in 3 pages.  Getting the format and grammar correct is the easy part and you've definitely got a good sense of imagination to work with.  Hope you show up soon.  Take care.

Johnny

Amazing concept. You just have a massive tendency to overwrite everything. You take 12 lines of action to explain the Uncle rolling a joint in one fluid motion.

As you can see you only need one sentence to say it. You have a great idea here.. and although I am also writing a weed comedy, mine isn't like yours. I've only read a few pages of this script as it is very hard going and to make all of the corrections necessary would take hours.

As I stated too... this is an amazing concept... and if done properly would definitely be a highly marketable script. From what I have read and skimmed through it would take a complete rewrite and I also believe you are going in too hard on the bong fu concept. Cutting guy's throats with J's is just not inventive enough and i feel it belittles the greatness of this concept. Do better before somebody else does.