Home by Gavin Logan - Short - A troubled young man returns to his hometown to make peace with his father. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Gavin,

First thought after reading was that it was a very well-written script, with a lot of thought put into it. The story is about loss, family, love and redemption (please feel free to elaborate upon this if I've missed out on any signs) and the way you chose to express the story was for the viewer to simply be seeing things and following the character without too much action, and that made for a moving film with a moving ending that is realistic to produce. The use of 'FADE TO BLACK' with voiceover to start CHRIS' dialogue draws me, as the reader, in.

Couple of things:

• CHRIS (25) dark hair, stubbly chin, sits on a park bench surrounded by trees. Some of the other action lines could also be trimmed to move the story along.
  
• Dialogue was believable.
  
• No need for 'CUT TO:' when transitioning from scene to scene.
  
• Check for typos or missing punctuations, particularly before or after '(beat)'s
  

All the best!

You had me hooked into this story quickly. I think usually I'd need dialogue or some visible conflict going on to get me really interested quickly but I thought your set-up was written well enough that it brought me in.

I sort of knew where this was headed so there weren't surprises for me, but I think you translated the sadness, regret and emotion really well in this. That's one key element that made the script work well for me.

A selfish part of me wanted to hear more about how his dad found God. That's just just. For other people, that may have been a throw-away line that just sounds nice. For me, it's a part of the story that I wanted more of. However, it doesn't mean you're missing anything in the story itself. Since this story is told from Chris' point of view, he may not understand what "finding God" means enough to adequately articulate it or appreciate it. Clearly, he is conflicted and torn up. A more religious individual would be processing all this in a slightly different way.

I did get a little crossed up wondered when it stopped raining, but that's the only hang-up I had.

I thought this was nicely and thoughtfully done.

Hey guys,

Thx so much for the read and the comments, really appreciate everything you said.

This was the first short I ever wrote. For me this script was all about emotion.  Chris is a young man whos been through alot in his life. I give a few clues to some of his past. I tend to like the mystery element in my scripts so I like only giving some information, i actually think it works better than giving everything on a plate. I like that readers think about it afterwards and ask questions :)

the ending was never meant to be a twist although i didnt want to make it majorly obvious either :)

Thx again for the comments. Ive been writing for a few years but have been biding my time before posting anything on here. Hope to have a few more shorts up soon

-Gavin

Well, well.  Allo Gavin.  Or should I say Gavin?  Or should I said what's the craic?

But that doesn't matter.  What does?  Is that I really, really enjoyed this.  It was touching, for me especially, since I and my dad haven't really been close ever since he and my mother split in 2004.  But enough about me, just thought you should know it impacted me in a good way.

This was very moving.  Very, very touching and just, like, captivating.  It's a story you can tell is written with care and thought.  It's nothing new or fresh, this has been done before, but that doesn't matter either.  What matter's is that even thought this has been done, you did it well!  Amazingly well!  Really, really well!

Considering I am Atheist also, I found the religious aspects of the script interesting too.  The ending I kind of saw coming, not really a twist, but you didn't like slip in too many hints to lead us to believe what was going to happen.

I liked Chris more though.  I liked him a lot.  Well written.  Very well written.

There's not much negatives I can say about this.  I think, maybe, some of the action lines could be cut down.  But that's it.  I can't really fault the story or the emotion.  This was really good.  More people should take a read.

-- Curt

Gavin,

I thought this played out well -- nothing groundbreaking, but I’ll admit I found this genuinely affecting.  You set a bleak, yet bittersweet tone to this that drew me along.  

Felt a tad heavy in places on the show over tell when it came to Chris’ emotions, i.e.

p.2 -- ‘The very sight of familiar buildings stir something inside of him.’

Not easy to do when dealing with a single character’s actions; yet I think there’s other ways to put this across without relying on telling the reader.

p.2 -- how do we know it’s his hometown? Think there could be enough in the visuals to imply this place means something to Chris.

I’d consider what you stand to lose by getting rid of the (beats) in the dialogue.  On a personal level they take me out of the moment.  Technically I think the general notion is that an actor will find their own beats and ignore yours.

Try to avoid camera directions for much the same reason.  It’s your call, but there’s generally subtler ways to imply the same visual idea without using them.

p.6 -- (interrupts) Try ending dialogue with a dash to show the current speaker’s been interrupted by another character i.e.

JOHN
I was--

MIKE
Just going to say that.

Saves you a line or two without the parenthesis.

I like how you tied the stolen candle back into the ending -- thought the whole church scene with the old man was nicely played.  Simple and effective.  Look forward to seeing more of your work up here.

Oh and hit delete a few times on p.10.

Steve.

Hey Gaviano,
Generally agree with what was said before me.
Here are my notes as I was reading this:
“EXT. WOODED AREA – DAY”
EXT. is a redundancy if this is a wooded area. And why not just say woods? What’s the difference?
“Heavy rain. Trees blowing. Branches bending. Leaves floating.”
I’m confused. Is this a series of shots? If not, why not just describe it one sentence?
“Forlorn. Lost.”
Why is this separated from the character’s description? Shouldn’t it go together?
In the next scene you never mentioned if this is the SAME wooded area or not? I would mention this since your slugline is identical. You’re bound to confuse some readers.
There are three versions of a beat or pause that I’ve seen. Ellipses “…”, a parenthetical “(beat)” and an action line “A beat.” If you intend to keep it in the dialogue why not just use ellipses?
“EXT. COUNTRY ROAD – DAY”
Again, I think the EXT. is a redundancy.
“He stops, distracted by, in the distance, the first sight of-”
This action line is poorly worded in my opinion. I couldn’t make out what you were trying to say. A variation would be: “He stops, turns to the sight of a town.” That’s getting to the point.
“EXT. EDGE OF TOWN – DAY”
EXT. redundancy.
“his eyes scanning everything.” You could be a tad more descriptive than “everything”.
“Decrepit, rundown.” Are you describing the park? I am confused. There’s a better way you could word this or put when you introduce the park.
“The FAINT echo of kids laughter, almost non-existent, or maybe just the whistle of the wind.”
I wouldn’t give this kind of uncertainty. Why not say what it is we hear but go on to say that it FADES into the whistle of the wind. That way this can actually be translated into sound. Whereas your abstract description cannot unless you intend to confuse people.
“Mother’s” -> mothers
I stopped at the end of page 3. There’s nothing that made me want to keep going. You introduce JANINE at the beginning of page 4 and I don’t really care about your character since I don’t know anything about him except that he walks a lot. I’m just not sure what the point of the first 3 pages was. There’s a bunch of uninteresting action going on but there was some interesting action at times. So it would be better to just cut it down to maybe about a page. Keep all the good parts and then proceed from there.
That’s about all I can give. It felt like a first draft for sure. Looking forward to reading more of your work or maybe even a rewrite of this.
Best,
-J.S.

hey guys,

thanks for the read and comments.

pretty much everything that has been said was something that I was already questioning a little before i posted.

stevemiles- the hometown line. Im not sure why i left that in, i was toying with deleting it a few times, I guess I just thought id let that one slide. The "beats" again were something I was just playing with, they are not necessarily important. Im not normally one to put in camera angles ever in my scripts but I felt that I wanted to use the "TIGHT" & "PULL BACK". These would usually be the only 2 exceptions i use. Dunno what happened with the extra page at the end lol. Thx for your input,glad you liked it.

JS- sorry you didnt read all of it but thx for all your notes. I agree that my slugs probably need work. I was picturing places in my own hometown while i was writing and maybe that was why I wrote "wooded area", woods works better. Will try to rewrite some of the awkward action lines. In terms of the first 3 pages, I wanted to show Chris actually walking back to his hometown and that he's taking his time to go to the cemetery. I was trying to convey that these where familiar places to him, maybe I didnt quite achieve that how i wanted. Your input was very helpful,thx.

curt- really appreciate your comments man, glad you liked it. Ive been writing for a few years and at the heart of all my scripts are tragic characters in which I try to bring out various states of emotion without being too pushy with the action. I hope ive done that with this one. I promise I will get to your feature soon, looking forward to reading it.

-Gavin

Quoted from Gaviano In terms of the first 3 pages, I wanted to show Chris actually walking back to his hometown and that he's taking his time to go to the cemetery. I was trying to convey that these where familiar places to him, maybe I didnt quite achieve that how i wanted.

I see. You can certainly do that, have him go through all these places, but the most important person is your audience not your character. Your character has to entertain your audience as he's making his way through town going to the cemetery. And I think you can find a way to do that. Either in the dialogue or in the action.

Actually, I kind of predicted that's where it was headed i.e., the cemetery. Again I haven't read the entire thing but I'm guessing this letter was written for this person who's passed.

With respect to the whole revelation of things, how you play up the mystery and all, I'd be careful with it. Mystery is hard as it is for a variety of reasons, chiefly, the information you've suppressed. There's just some things that you must say or you'll leave the audience confused, have a hard time following your story. And I wouldn't make the information too obvious either because than it comes off as amateurish. But you have to ask yourself, even though the audience might not know who this person is, will they get a general idea that its about some person who's dead? I mean the tone in the dialogue is a dead giveaway (pun gravely unintended), so why continue on with the mystery any further. Doesn't it feel like its lost its potency?

Just some things to think about...

-J.S.

Thanks JS for your comments. Appreciate you taking the time with my script. Will certainly think about what you said

-Gavin

Hi Gavin. Interesting piece here. I've seen you contributing recently, so I thought I'd give this a read. I've also checked out some of the comments too.

As has been said by Curt, I did get the feeling that this was written with care, and the emotion, (though maybe not pitched correctly for the piece) was genuine. Where there is the impression that the work matters to whomsoever wrote it, I think that gives it some additional gravitas, and that came through here.

I felt there were some issues with the writing and the story though, so I'm going to put my opinion up on them.

Writing:
I'm with J.S. on the first sentence. Opening images matter, and they're tricky to get right, and starting out with such a set of fractured sentences jars the read, and harms the visual you are trying to portray.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
Lined with trees.
Chris trudges along. He jumps over a stone wall. Walks through a FIELD.
-- this didn't make sense to me? Do you see what I'm talking about here? A road is lined with trees - except for the wall, which he jumps over into a field, and not, presumably, into a tree?

I wasn't really surprised when you said that you were talking about your home town, as somehow, throughout this I got a real feeling for it all - but what I didn't get was the visual. The difference is, that the reader doesn't know your home town, and that's what you have to get across to us.

The FAINT echo of kids laughter
The faint echo of kids LAUGHTER

A slide. Swings. Sea-saw.
-- A saw for cutting the sea? Maybe see-saw.

Story:
I see that you have said that some of this is an emotional piece. I can see that, and that's good.

My issue is with the many unresolved references that occur. I know you want to play with the mystery angle, but at some point, you will need to resolve questions that you place. I liked the way that the mysteries were put in front of us -- the old man in the church, Janine, the issue with the mother and the father ... these were all compelling. But none of them were resolved, and that becomes a problem when you are tempting the reader to contemplate these things but not seeing them to their conclusion. One may think that you don't, in fact, have a conclusion for these issues.

There's lots good about this, and I do like the feel that you bring to your work but ultimately it fails as none of the questions that you ask the reader to consider are answered. The reader can't fill in all of these -- some, yes, but for example, the father blaming his son (Chris) for the mother's death?

Good luck to you - there is lots that's good in this.

Simon

Hi Simon, thanks for the read and comments.

Having re-read this a few more times and considering your thoughts, I can completely agree with what you and JS say. By concentrating on the emotional side of things i maybe didnt focus on the resolution. Like i said before I kinda didnt want to answer all the questions. This would maybe work better as an opening to a feature,rather than a short.

Thanks for pointing out the "sea-saw" error, thats quite embarrassing lol.

Thanks again to all you guys for the input.

-Gavin

Gonna let this one simmer for a while then re-write. I already have a few ideas that could maybe improve it. Im hoping to film this in the summer (with pretty much zero budget lol)

Thanks

-Gavin

Gavin

A quiet, sombre piece here not without merit. I liked the slow build as Chris reacquaints himself with his old home town, provoking nostalgic recollections at every turn. Some will have issues with the pedestrian pace and it’s not like we haven’t seen a story like this before with these sentiments but I still think you done an effective job.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Has it really been four years? I’m
sure things have changed (beat) I’m
sure you’ve changed.

- Put beat on a separate line by itself. For example:

CHRIS (V.O.)
Has it really been four years? I’m sure things have changed.
((beat)
I’m sure you’ve changed.

“The FAINT echo of kids laughter, almost non-existent, or
maybe just the whistle of the wind.”

- A tad cliché perhaps?

I can see the Irish dialect coming through in parts in the dialogue, nice?

“Chris walks over to the window and begins to attempt to PULL
the boards away.”

- You could shorten this by removing “and begins to” and not lose any of the meaning or visual.

“FLOWING freely form his eyes,”,

- Should be “from” instead of “form” I often make the same mistake.

The V.O. I think could be lessened a bit, it tends to become a little tedious about half way through. You will probably hear from people dismissing the use of V.O. altogether because of a certain Mr. McKee, I’m not one of those but here I felt it did get monotonous.

They ending surprised me somewhat, not that his father was dead I could see that coming after he chats with but more so the last line. From Chris’s letter I get the impression that a lot of pent up and anger and hatred was boiling within him towards his dad (abusive, negligent, a boozer maybe?) However, by the end he seems to have completely absolved him. I take it as Chris using the letter to channel everything he wanted to say and when that was completed, the burden was lifted somewhat so then he could say, out loud, that still loved him because of their inexorable bond as father and son. It’s a nice sentiment and concludes the otherwise melancholy piece on a certain, but most welcome, upbeat note.

Overall, not a bad job, feels like a personal story and I was engaged in the journey that Chris takes but I wonder could you find a more innovative and dramatic way of conveying the back-story instead of just guiding us through via the protagonist’s V.O. as he  reads from the letter.

Col.

Hi Col,

Thanks for the read and the comments.

In my rewrite I have omitted the (beat)s completely and just went with '…'

I understand that VO is sometimes frowned upon but the whole story really started with me talking to myself about what a guy would say to his father in this situation, which in turn inspired the VO. i agree maybe that it may come across as slightly overused in a way to imply backstory. Ill work on it.

I'm quite ashamed about missing that 'form'. Im normally very good at proof reading grammar and spelling etc lol.

Im so happy that you actually got the whole meaning of the entire piece and the emotional sentiment that i was attempting to bring to the page. Yes they had a difficult relationship, yes his father was abusive, yes they struggled as most father & sons do but in the end Chris journey back home isn't just a physical journey but a mental one which has taken him a long time to decide upon. Eventually he realised at some point that it was necessary for him to return and see his fathers grave for him to be able to move on with his own endeavours.

I know the backstory myself (but I specifically left a lot out to some peoples dismay lol)

I have made efforts to readjust the VO so that it may answer a few more questions that I throw up but in the end the story will remain fairly unchanged, other than a few little things that a few of you have mentioned above.

Thanks Col, your comments have been very helpful and insightful. I appreciate all the comments and they help me immensely to improve as a writer. So glad i discovered this place.

-Gavin

Hey Gavin.

Sorry I missed this when it first came up on the boards.

It was a good story.  I liked it a lot.

Actually, I can't lie.  I got a little bit pissed as I was reading.  :-)  The feature I'm working on now is about a derelict man whose estranged father has passed away.  The father had found God and church in his later years and the son finally learns everything about his father after he acquaints himself with the church and its community.  I take mine in a little bit of a different direction later on, but I got a sense that we both started out telling the same story.  Mine just popped into my head a week and a half ago after visiting my childhood church and school again.  Strange how I should come across this script now.

Nevertheless, I really liked this one.  (I'm a sucker for powerful, emotional dramas.)

The opening images, and images throughout the story for that matter, really worked for me here, and I think were the driving force behind the story to keep the reader hooked.

The only thing that got annoying were all your missing periods and your (beats).  It's a small gripe and I'm really not a stickler and hardly ever complain about things that small, but wow did it really get annoying for me.  :-)

You wrote this well enough and you've got a slow enough pace that you really don't need the (beats) at all.  They'll read naturally.

But that's the only (tiny) gripe I had.  This reads really well and powerful.  A simple story that'll connect with a lot of people who have gone through situations like these.  (As you know I have from the story I'm working on myself.)

Nice job, Gavin.  I also see you've got another short up, as well.  I'll be checking that one out soon.

- Mark

Hi mark, thanks for the read and the comments.

Im glad you liked it. This was actually the first short I EVER wrote a few years back now, although I did rewrite it before posting it. I have since made a few small changes just from the advice given by all the readers.

Wow! Im really sorry that our stories are so similar but Im hoping that because yours is a feature that there will be plenty of things to add to the mix to make it stand out.

I'm definitely more of a story man, although I think I'm normally close to 100% with format etc i don't sometimes get a bit muddled up with beats and stuff like that. Recently I haven't even bothered including beats into my scripts.

As Ive mentioned in previous responses, this is a pretty simple story that I tried to propel with emotion. Im hoping I did a decent job and good luck with the feature :)

Thanks again Mark

-Gavin