Wing Woman by Paul Reynolds - Comedy - A man struggling to pick up girls by taking his male friends with him asks his female best friend to be his Wing Woman. The plan works and soon he is picking up all the women he wants but doesn't see the one woman who truly loves him standing right beside him. 105 pages - pdf, format 8)

Okay, I've gone through 32 pages. There's some okay comedy here but largely you have a bunch of characters in a bar talking. UNBELIEVABLY, the scene at Fernando's Bar is a whopping 14 PAGES long.

Most studios want a scene to push no more than three pages. Five at the max. 14 is way too long and simply would get this script thrown in the trash. Readers...the auduence have very short attention spans.

Your dialogue is pretty good. I don't care for all the narration at the beginning. I love VO but this just seems to be a throw in. there's a ton to start and then it disappears.

You're alos using a lot of passive writing - Danny is running as opposed to Danny runs.

BTW, I'm at page 32 and have no idea what the story's about. There's zero conflict. That's vital.

Paul,
Def not crazy about the VO.  Seems unnecessary, IMO.  Would like to see a bit more action and dialogue inside the bar early on.  Especially...why do they get thrown out!  That could be funny if we, the reader, are privy to the inside information!  Think up something fun.  
This seems to be a first draft, so I have also noticed a lot of punctuation mistakes.  Correct those.  Discerning readers, especially an agent or producer, will throw it in the trash because of something like that.
Otherwise, keep writing, AND reading!  Polish this puppy!
Steve

I read a bit of this and must say the British character was incredibly not believable.  It really hurts the script in my opinion because I feel as though the American characters had very believable dialogue.  If you want to differentiate characters like that, make sure you do so without badly stereotyping them.  Just one man's opinion though.  Keep at it.

Hey Paul.

I'm thinking your logline is alright with just that first sentence.  Clean it up a bit and it's golden.

Don't know why your name and title are in parentheses or why you put the title down again on the first page.  FADE IN should be on the left btw.

You're not going to want to mention the setting after using it in the slug.  Just describe the club.

Keep your writing active.  Instead of saying, "...ARE ZEROING in...", write, "...zeros in..."  It shortens up the writing and sounds a lot better.  The "targeted" part seems a bit redundant to me.  The fact that they're zeroing in one someone kinda already implies that that person or persons are targeted.

They gave up before they even tried, eh?  A piece seems to be missing from there but whatever.  Perhaps by "zeroing in", you meant that they were already trying to pick them up but to me it read as if they were on the move, so to speak.

I'm with Steve as far as that VO goes.  The passage reads really obvious and just insignificant.  I suggest naming the narrator right off the bat.  In fact, the only time I've ever seen "narrator" being used is by an actual narrator whom never makes an appearance in the script or movie.

Instead of using "CU's", just describe what we see on screen.  IMO, too many writers rely on the tricks rather than just writing the story.

FRANK BELDING (age), short and stubby, dusts himself off.

                              JASON (V.O.)
                   That's Frank...

Not the best but you get my point.  Take advantage of the motto, "the audience sees and hears everything you write in the action lines."  If you introduce Frank, we see him.  No need for a close up unless it's absolutely necessary.  Reading it again, i'm not sure it's a close up you're after so much as a freeze frame before Jason narrates.  Just a thought.

We can't possibly know that Kyle is Jason's little brother.  At least not at this moment for me.

I'll stop there for now.  Two pages in and all that's really happened is four guys getting thrown out of a club.  The voice overs are killing it for me.  The price is just not worth the payoff IMO and it's slowing the read down to a crawl.  You need more action and this thing needs to MOVE!  Page one is critical in hooking the reader and it really wasn't jiving with me, sorry to say.

Hope I didn't come off as harsh.  Good luck with the comedy.

Johnny