Hollyoaks Later "TROUBLE" by Liam (Liamjaco1998) - Short, Drama, Thriller - Was you disapointed on my last script? Well this one will blow you away! 21 pages - pdf, format 8)

"Was you disapointed with my last script?" - No, but I'm incredibly disappointed by your idea of a log line and your horrible spelling and grammar mistake in the first three words. Seriously, man...

Look, Liam. I don't mean to be harsh, but I opened this up to the first page and almost put it down without reading the first word. Almost half a page is spent on your opening credits, which is all a bunch of information we really don't care about. In reality, the opening credits won't take almost thirty seconds.

Page one shouldn't be numbered as such. In fact, it shouldn't be numbered at all.

I don't understand your use of CAPS. I know it's accepted in most screenplays, but it has to have a purpose. Please explain the purpose in the opening credits??

You can't FADE IN: to a black screen.

Get rid of the time estimation next to the slugs. This sort of detail shouldn't be included in a spec script. Leave anything technical out of the script. That includes your transitions that you have included on the right-hand side of the page. A big no-no.

A character's introduction shouldn't be in brackets. Get rid of them and write the introduction in CAPS.

Page 1: Zoe "looks very new..." - What does that even mean??

I'm out with your grammar and your poor sentence construction. For example, this threw me out of your script...

Page 1: "i" should be "I". Sorry, but this is basic stuff. It seems like you haven't taken the time to proofread your work. This may not be true, but it gives the impression that you don't care enough about your script. You might be incredibly passionate, but that's not what comes across.

I don't mean to be harsh. Read some scripts and learn the proper format. You'll go far if you do.

Dan

There were so many typos and grammatical errors that I couldn't tell if this was intended to be in some dialect or what. Sorry, man, it was painful a page into the story. Let me know if you post a rewrite and I'll jump back in.

Hey Liam,

I always hated Hollyoaks – but I have to admit that the poorly written logline had me intrigued and I wanted to be blown away. I don’t remember your last script which I was disappointed about but nevertheless…

Let’s not drum on, not sure if you’re around or not? I wasn’t blown away!
There are tons of problems on display here and I didn’t make it far into this one.

You need to read some scripts and get those creative ideas flowing – to write a script based on a horrible Channel 4 soap (Is it still running?) isn’t great.

At least turn them all into zombies or something – maybe you did? I didn’t read for long.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Quoted Text Was you disapointed on my last script? Well this one will blow you away!

Oh hell no.

Liam, I'm going to be honest here, based on your logline alone, I pretty much know what I'm about to get myself into.

And... I'm right.

Look man, I really don't want to be harsh, but I'm not even going to go over the first page. You have very basic grammar and spelling errors throughout. See, if you're going to write a story and you want us to read it, you have to care about your story. And if you don't bother to proofread, well... it makes us feel like you don't care. And if you don't care about this story, why should we?

I'm not positive English is your first language, and if it's not, sorry. But still, dude...

Other users have some great advice above that you should take into consideration. Please don't take any of this as harsh or mean... we're trying to help. Read some scripts... study grammar (lots of resources online) and keep at it. You may want to start out with some really, really basic things... a simple script, some simple sentences. Spend a lot of time on the simple parts, make sure you have it right. It may sound tedious, but it helped me with my writing.

Sorry if I come across as harsh. Hope this helps...

Will