Tangiers Platoon by John Lappin - Series, Comedy -  The comedy "Tangiers Platoon" is set in 1978 and centres around the misadventures of the three main characters; Jake, Granite and Pubic, who are without doubt the worst soldiers in the history of the British Army. 33 pages - pdf, format 8)

This link is dedicated to all of you who have taken months to write a script and post it on this site, never to receive even one comment on your work. I hope this cheers you up!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=UEaKX9YYHiQ#t=2s

You gotta know the password

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkdbkrSQseo

Hey John

Okay so I have a few issues with your first scene.  You have INT/EXT but no CONTINUOUS so really you should just have EXT when Jake is talking to the naked soldiers and then a fresh slug when he enters the building.  This would allow you to drop the ‘external view of a single storey brick building’ part which is not good or needed.  Try not to use words like ‘standing’ when you can write ‘stand’.  Remember to try and write in the present tense if you can.

For CAPTION I’d use SUPER.  If you use a Super do you need then to show the sign which gives much the same information?

A mini slug of BAR would help to break up the scenes.

You describe the bar with great detail but ask yourself is it necessary?  Do we need to know how many windows there are?  I’ve not read it all yet so maybe it is necessary but if not, then you’re wasting time and slowing the script down for no reason.

Here’s an example of how the script can become slowed:  you write
As Jake rips back the drawn curtains light from the bar room illuminates the two NAKED SOLDIERS standing outside.
The two startled, NAKED SOLDIERS, standing back to back, each have a bootlace between their teeth and are masturbating.

You could write:
Jake rips back the curtain and illuminates the two naked soldiers.  Frozen with shock and surprise, they stand back to back, bootlace between their teeth.

I added the frozen part as you say they were startled but yet they stayed long enough for Jake to call over other soldiers to mock them and this didn’t ring true, surely they would run straight away?

So I’m on page 6 and as you can see I’ve a few problems with your format but the dialogue of your characters is pretty good.  You’ve had me chuckling a few times.  This is good as format is easy to sort but if your characters are crap you’ve got problems.

Page 6 again you have a slug INT. VILLAGE LAUNDRETTE, then you immediately say ‘A small village laundrette’.  This is redundant as you stated that in the slug.

Rose removes her underwear but she didn’t remove her overalls?  How did she do that and is she now stood completely naked?

You don’t need to keep capitalising character names, just when you first introduce them.

The washing machine scene is pretty funny though.

Willie Hare = Pubic lol.  I love this!

I’ve noticed quite a lot of missing comma’s in dialogue.

Although very funny images I wonder about some of them.  A naked woman in a cowboy hat having sex on a washing machine, then two naked soldiers being led about by shoelaces tied around their dicks?  Hmm

I really think you should name the naked soldiers as reading ‘NAKED SOLDIER(S)’ over again is annoying.

Your slug for GARRISON CHURCH includes DAY 2 which personally I wouldn’t use and 07:25 HOURS which is redundant.  You may wish to put the time on screen with a SUPER?

Really like the coffin scene too.

Again I like the car wash scene.

Okay, John, you’ve some work to do on making this read better.  There are too many instances of redundant information and slows the story down.  But, you have a great story that is really funny.  It may be a bit too over the top at times, especially with the nudity, but it was very entertaining.  Seriously, work on this and it could be great.  I hope this is helpful.

Hi alffy,
A quick reply. Thank you very much for taking the time and effort to create a very detailed report on my script. I will implement the changes when I have time from work and get back to you. Many, many thanks.
Regards, John.

Hi Alffy,
Thanks once again for taking the time to go through my script. I will rewrite the scenes incorporating your suggestions on formatting. I particularly like your idea on using mini slugs for the bar scene, it certainly would make the story flow easily.

I am aware that there was a long and detailed description of the bar room. I think it was necessary to go into detail as the whole room was used for the initiation ceremony. I was aware that anyone reading this for the first time would be asking why, and it would slow the read down, I therefore edited as best I could.  

“Rose removes her underwear but she didn’t remove her overalls?  How did she do that and is she now stood completely naked?”

Firstly, I never thought I would find myself on the internet discussing the removal of lady’s underwear, (Note: if you have just arrived on this page by Googling “Remove Lady’s Underwear” then you are on the wrong site.) Rose’s “overalls” was the type of workers coat a doctor may wear, therefore, she was able to gain access to her unterpanterloontons without removing her clothes. Anyone wanting further clarification of said garment should Google “Dot Cotton, Eastenders.” You are advised to view the images only through a welders mask.


“I’ve noticed quite a lot of missing comma’s in dialogue.”

Yes, I noticed this, too. So, I had a good search around and found them stuck behind the SHIFT key. I have gathered them together in one package, that anyone can use: (,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,) Just simply cut and paste them into the sentence of your choice. If you run out please email me, and I will forward more on to you.

“Although very funny images I wonder about some of them.  A naked woman in a cowboy hat having sex on a washing machine, then two naked soldiers being led about by shoelaces tied around their dicks?  Hmm”


Alffy, you have got to write my loglines, if that does not get them reading my script, nothing will. I am aware that this script would not be to everyone’s taste. My target audience for this comedy is in the 18 to 35 year bracket, typical Channel 4 or BBC 3 viewers. The director would decide on what would be seen in the nude scenes a “REAR SHOT” I believe is the technical term, which sounds painful. The sex scene with Rose and Jake was intended to be comical and never sensuous.

To sum up; the vibes I got from your review was that you liked it and at times it made you laugh. I could not ask for a better review if I make my reader laugh.

Thank you, Alffy!