Please Recycle by Tolofari - Short, Comedy, Spoof - No class of individuals is exempt from the fight towards a cleaner, greener earth. 1 page - pdf, format 8)

Tolofari-

Some formatting and grammar errors, including too many "we see" rather than just sticking to the description.

Also, try to write in the present tense, and avoid the "ing" endings.

That being said, the ending made me smile, and I could totally see this concept as a scene in a film.

Good luck!

It's funny. It definitely is, in a "hee hee" kinda way rather than a belly laugh.

Does it say anything worthwhile about recycling? Not really. Is it supposed to?

What's up, Tolofari.

Yeah, you've got some formatting problems but as far as the read, pretty funny.

I suggest a line stating that the dumpster is plastic in a new paragraph following the shooters getaway.  It's a way of showing that the camera is still on the dumpster without using the word, "camera" in your action lines.

A bit of a clean up and you've got a nifty little short on your hands.  Good job, man.  Savin' mother earth, haha I can dig it.

Johnny

This was a cute read.  The biggest problem with it is that you have this hu-u-u-u-uge paragraph, telling the whole story.

Break it down into smaller paragraphs.


Phil

Awesome!!!  ;D

Your format is way off, but hey, we don't even need to recycle paper on this one.

Just do the screenwriter's text book thing on format and re-write.

Nice job.

Sandra

Arh, that old hook....one page

Makes life so easy.

Yes, I liked that as well, and also agree on the formatting. It would have made a sound entry in the Movie poet one page challenge, if formatted. You will find an example in my link below with my script Alone, may help.

You could even extract a tad more comedy, if the handle was wooden for example,  as he painfully has to decide whether wood or metal etc all while the police arrive. Indeed, I could see this expanded to two pages as they debate which one, whilst the gunman suddenly realises and makes a silent break for it.

Tolofari,

Formatting issues aside this was funny. Very clever. Just need to go back and clean it up.

Best of luck,

Dirk

Thanks guys for all the comments. I'm glad you all found it funny. And yeah, "1 page" was part of the hook. I'll definitely take y'alls advice about formatting. PEACE!.

Thank you guys for your comments. I'm glad you all found it funny. And yes "1 page" was part of the hook. I will definitely take y'alls advice about formatting. PEACE!

Tolofari, I cracked this open and was going to stop when I saw the big block of text but as it was only half a page I continued lol.

Obviously you need to break this up and then you'll have a half decent little skit.  It's kind of stupid but that's what makes it funny.  Not much else to say for a 30 second piece.

Not bad.

Hey Tolofari,

Can't add much since everything has already been said. Break it down, avoid passive verbiage, and you've got a nifty little skit. Great job.

Chris

Hey Tolofari,

You should pitch this to an advertising company lol

I giggled. Good job.

-Gavin

Tolofari

Whoa, that’s a big block of action lines after the aerial view of the city. Break them up into blocks of four lines each or less.

Having said that, the writing is actually quite good and it’s a funny scene too. Which is a shame since most people are going to be completely turned off by the presentation that they probably won’t even bother reading it.

More suited to a sketch comedy show, a skit or something, then an actual short script but I guess there is no forum for that on the boards so it goes in here.

Not much to say except that it amused me.

Col.

I cannot add to any of the other comments, suffice to say I enjoyed it. Could possibly make a good government information advert. Although I am sure anti gun campaigners would be up in arms over it... but it would definitely work in getting the relevant message across. Nice piece of work... aside from the obvious formatting issues.

Great little skit piece, Tolofari! I was almost turned off the by the big paragraph but glad I stuck to it and kept on.

Lou

I remember reading this a while back. It made me smile. Definitely shows format isn't as important as story.

Quoted from Tolofari Thanks guys for all the comments. I'm glad you all found it funny. And yeah, "1 page" was part of the hook. I'll definitely take y'alls advice about formatting. PEACE!.

Hi Tolofari,

I'd like to produce this. Would be great to discuss with you?

Cheers,

Phil Pritchard.

...

Phil, I took out your number for security.
Email is available for this writer if you click on the username.
Just be aware there's been no login since 2017, so email is your best bet.

Good luck! :)
LC.