Jonah Hex: The Six Guns by James Fisher - Western - After capturing a train robber, the legendary bounty hunter finds himself hunted by a team of assassins and a person from his past bent on vengeance. 90 pages. - pdf, format 8)

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I'm not a huge fan of fan scripts, though. I worry the typo in the logline is a sign of things to come...

I just thought the logline was poorly-written  and a turn-off from the get-go.  And I use to read the comic book as far back as the late seventies.

Maybe the logline should read along the lines of:

Quoted Text After capturing a train robber, a legendary bounty finds himself hunted by a team of assassins and a ghost from his past.

Keep it simple.


Phil

link fixed.

Don

And.... I was right. Lots of problems, man, starting with the fact that it's an rtf file, even though your log said PDF.

Get some formatting software, because your formatting's a mess. Celtx and Trelby are both free, and they make pdfs.

Slugs aren't good. Keep them brief. EXT. CHURCH will work.

Writing's a little passive... keeps verbs active. "A man is standing" would be "A man stands".

Your text on screen (1877) isn't formatted right. It should be:

SUPER: "1877"

...on its own line. Not in the middle of a paragraph.

A few big action paragraphs. Keep them at 4 lines or less.

And you have some typos.

Sorry James, but in the shape this is in, I'm not going to read past the first page. Sorry to be harsh... But luckily, a lot of the issues I mentioned above are easy fixes. Take these notes into consideration, clean up your script, and keep at it.

Will

I need the criticism! This was my first feature length script and the first script I've submitted here, I need to know the tools that are required to make it better.

Also the logline is a mess, I just wasn't sure how to keep it simple so thank you dogglebe.

I think it's a good thought, wanting to correct the travesty that was Jonah Hex a few years ago, with bad everything all around it - and hardly even getting the essense of the main character. I myself am a bit leery of fan scripts --especially those that are WGA registered or copyrighted by the writer - with characters they do not have the rights to. I could use the 40 dollars.

When you fix the script up, you can oinly shop it in one place and that's if they are willing to look at it. Given the fact that WB bungled up the previous film, I'll roll the dice on a DTV/VOD film, but I have doubts.

But that said, although the logline is clunky, let's say you take out the Hex character altogether and/or other supporting characters that have shown up in the comics. Now, after the cleanup, you can shop it around. It isn't hard to do. Get rid of the name and the face, and bingo. Now folks will think you watched a lot of the ol' Sergio Leone or Sam Peckinpah films.

Quoted Text INT. BACK ROOM OF CHURCH, A FAINT ORANGE TINT FROM GROWING FIRE -- CONTINUOUS

Try
INT. CHURCH - BACK ROOM - CONTINUOUS.

A fire spreads across a corner wall.
Jonah barges in
LARGE MAN slams Hex into the wall. Hex drops his guns.
The fire rises. Sweat fills Jonah's face. Smoke blinds him.

JONAH
Guess I'll have to save a bullet for Riggs.

Jonah head butts Large man. Elbows him in the stomach.
Large Man staggers back.
Jonah sees a hunting knife attached to the mans right pants leg.
Kicks Large Man in the left knee.

Jonah grabs him.  Slams Large Man into the same wall,
Steals the knife. Large Man struggles. The knife penetrates his neck.
Large man falls. Jonah puts the knife in his duster.

How do ya like me now?

Note that in the suggested revision, I took the "orange fire" out of the header and put it in the narrative. The color of the fire is irrelevant. It's also during the day. One less word to deal with. You say our character can't breathe. If you're going to have a fire, we might have smoke. So why not have THAT wall on fire? It'll increase the danger, won't it?

Next, keep it simple. No need to play fight commentator. A bad guy won't stand still and nobody moves at the speed of light. Keep it simple. The character's slug is JONAH HEX and not HEX, so to keep things clear we'll just use JONAH.

I kept part of the dialog in, although if I were doing this, I'd zap it out entirely.

Hope that helps.

-DjS

Sorry for the late reply, I didn't have any access to a computer. When it comes to fan script I do agree with being very cautious, it's very understandable that anyone would feel that way. This was more of a passion project where I wanted to write a Jonah Hex film that A. Felt like a western, B. Understood the character of Jonah Hex and C. Didn't destroy existing characters like Tallulah Black.

As for shopping it around I knew that the restrictions meant that I could only give it to Warner Bros. but I don't think I will even present it to them until I maybe have at least one produced script under my belt or have worked with them already. It's going to be tough to sell it to them but who knows, I always try to stay positive and hopeful ;D Maybe by the time I do their already willing to work on lesser known or failed franchises from the DC film universe.

As for abandoning the Jonah Hex concept... that's a little more than I'd want to do. The characters like Jonah Hex, Bat Lash, Chako and the Six Assassins that I used are established in the comics already (granted I gave the six a lot more of a personality than in the comics where they were just canon fodder for Jonah's bullets). I have plenty more westerns and other genre stories in my mind that I'd like to write so I'll hold back on this script.

With the actual writing problems I had no idea about a lot of the do's and don'ts of script writing. I might as well have written a book with the detail that I went into,  I wasn't sure just how much detail had to be put in. I suppose I thought it would make certain fights more brutal if I went into great detail but as I see, it doesn't need a line like
HEX quickly pushes the man into the same wall and begins to force the knife, going for his neck. The large man struggles, trying to push it away but the knife penetrates his neck. HEX puts the hunting knife into his duster as the large man falls to the ground.

Also when he's fighting I'll try to keep Jonah Hex's dialogue minimal but I still want something to be there in a personal fist fight just because that's a character trait I saw in some of the comics.

Thanks for the help, it's much appreciated!

Does anyone know how to change the logline and send in a new draft of a script? Do I have to wait until the next wave of unproduced scripts or is there a way to do it now?

Resubmit the logline to Don or just PM Bert.  Either can change it.


Phil

Quoted from crookedowl Sorry James, but in the shape this is in, I'm not going to read past the first page. Sorry to be harsh... But luckily, a lot of the issues I mentioned above are easy fixes. Take these notes into consideration, clean up your script, and keep at it. Will

The new draft is up!

The new draft with hopefully most or all the problems fixed is now up! Please give it a read!

James, I started reading this and stopped at page three.  Here you habe Jonah Hex, the baddest motherfucker in the old west.  And on page three, you show show him entering a house to kick ass.  And you don't take us inside the house?  WTF?

Show us the fight!

Show us the &$@*$!! fight!

Hope this helps.


Phil

Please don't stop! That scene is taken from one of the Jonah Hex issues and it's just a little sneak peak at his brutality. The scene right after he closes the door is him torturing one of the Rednecks.
The rest of the story has him kicking a** and showing it. This is just an opening scene like with a James Bond film.
PLEASE READ ON!!!

Hey James. Well, I'm going to give this a quick read -- but, you know, you really need to read other people's work. From what I can see, you've posted on two other scripts, so you need to up the game some when it comes to reading other people's work.

For the time being, you get a look in on the first page from me. You might get more from other people once you chime in on their scripts. Also, you entered the 1+6WC, so try to feedback on some of those scripts.

First off - a slug is a slug, and an action line is an action line:

EXT. A DECREPIT HOUSE -- DAY
EXT. DECREPIT HOUSE - DAY

There is a house
... we know this from the slug.
- you use the term 'house' twice in this paragraph (as well as the slug). As an excercise, if you use it in the slug, try not using it in the action line.

Five redneck hillbilly’s walk out from around the house.
-- They either walk out of the house, or they walk from around the house.

Although at this stage I don't know if you need five rednecks ...

     REDNECK #1
That bastard Hex killed Ma and Pa!
-- is a good line to start on, but I'd drop the '!'.

     REDNECK #3
Well you guys shut up about him?!
-- Do you mean 'will'?

Redneck #1 opens the door.
-- So you meant from the back of the house, earlier?

Redneck #1 opens the door. The five walk into the house.
More focus is on the house. Suddenly a man appears.
-- Okay. This is horrible. I don't know what you mean by 'more focus ...', and the bit about a man suddenly appearing? From where does he appear?

INT. A BEATEN LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
-- Your slug is your location, not your chance to describe the location. Describe it in your action/description lines.
-- Your action is not continuous, so it's not necessary to use it here - there has clearly been a time lapse as the rednecks now sit on chairs.

The five rednecks are all sitting around on chairs
-- The rednecks sit on chairs

It's not without merit, and your dialogue apppears to be quite good. But if you read stuff, you will get a good picture of how it should look - and you'll learn a lot that way. They way you're doing it now -- you're really asking people to spoon-feed you. Read some and learn some - it's the best way.

You really need to look at other people's scripts here, James.  From what I can tell, you've only commented on one script here.  That's not how the boards work.  You'll learn more from reading other scripts than you will from people commenting on yours.

And don't go with rewriting other people's stories.  Use some creativity.


Phil

Hey James, nice to see you fixed the formatting. Writers who really want to improve their work are the writers I want to help (well, those and the ones who contribute to the boards), so I took another look at this.

Unfortunately, you still have many problems here. I still won't read very far, but I figured I'd give you a line-to-line breakdown of the issues here.

First... Your opening paragraph is kinda clunky-- you say "house" twice in a row. Not to mention, you shouldn't refer back to your slug in action lines. So if your slug says "EXT. HOUSE", don't say "the house is old" in your first paragraph.

"Hillbilly's" doesn't need an apostrophe. It would be "hillbillies". Make sure you aren't making errors like this, because they add up and take away from the read.

Character intros aren't right. You need to write names in ALL CAPS when you intro characters. Besides... in your action line you say "hillbillies", but for dialogue, they're "REDNECKS". Keep it consistant.

And I'd advise against naming them "redneck #1" and "redneck #5". It's hard to tell them apart, and comes across as lazy. Any name at all... "fat redneck" "tall redneck" is better than just generic numbering.

Your dialogue isn't bad, but I'd advise against writing stuff like "'im" and "survi'ed". Makes it difficult to get through the dialogue-- the spelling makes it distracting. Just write the words normal and let the actors do the accents.

What's "More focus on the house"? Is it a camera direction? Or are you just saying we watch the house for a few seconds? Either way, it's confusing, so either change it or get rid of it altogether.

Some passive verbiage... it's when you use "is" or "are" followed by a verb, basically. "The rednecks are sitting", "The redneck is walking". A better way to write this is "the rednecks sit" or "The redneck walks". Go through your action lines and make sure you aren't making this mistake.

"The rednecks all have a cup of liquor in there hands." Should be "their". Again, check for these issues, as they're distracting and can take away from otherwise solid writing.

Get rid of "continued" at the top and bottom of each page. I don't know what screenwriting software you're using, but there's an option somewhere to remove it.

I've noticed that all of your slugs are things like "A DECREPIT HOUSE" and "A BEATEN LIVING ROOM". I'd leave out "A" and "THE" from slugs, firstly. And I'd advise against things like "decrepit house" and "beaten living room". EXT. HOUSE and INT. LIVING ROOM will work. You might even want to say EXT. FARMHOUSE or something.

All right, so I hope this is enough to get you started. The fixed formatting improved this by a lot, and another revision will make it even better. Keep at it. Read some pro screenplays. Contribute to the boards. Writing reviews can improve your writing, as well as get your script more reads.

Hope this helps.

Will

The opening scene is the only thing ripped out of the comic, the rest is just using existing characters in new situations and stories.

I'm going to start reading others scripts this upcoming week. I've just been pressed for time recently so I hope to fix that soon.

Quoted from dogglebe James, I started reading this and stopped at page three.  Here you habe Jonah Hex, the baddest motherfucker in the old west.  And on page three, you show show him entering a house to kick ass.  And you don't take us inside the house?

With the rewrite would it be better to show something like quick flashes of the fight? I don't want to show it all but I wouldn't have a problem adding something.

Do you think audiences would respond better with a quick shot of action then back to the door, then back and forth?

I really want to know!

Quoted from dogglebe And don't go with rewriting other people's stories.  Use some creativity.

I don't mean to contradict but just throwing it out there, Shakespeare rewrote and borrowed from others. It was the thing back then. Telling the story your own way. I remember some screenwriters saying the same thing. All the stories have been already done thousands of years ago. In the Bible, The Mahabharata,  Ramayana, Bhagavad Gita, Homer, and countless of other folk tales. I think, personally, the test of true creativity is to take those stories and tell them in your own unique way, with your own voice. Just my thoughts. Not trying to start an argument. 'Cause some people take it the wrong way. :)

Hey James,

I looked through the comments and I'll try not to repeat a lot of what has already been said, and you've gotten a lot great feedback already so it'd be wise to use it, I'll just point out some things here and there.

First off, I think the SUPER should go after you've described the house. Use pronoun to refer back to the house.

"Five redneck hillbilly�s walk out from around the house."

I'm interpreting this to mean they walk out of the house form the side. If so, reword this.

The dialogue is all information and doesn't pull the audience in. It's dull. You need to work it in a way where you don't start off with just saying, he did this and he did that and he's this and he's that. Find a way to do it where you reveal this information but you don't do so directly.

"More focus is on the house." Either reword to delete this.

"The pool of blood flows to the grass."

That's kinda cool actually.

Honestly, I was more drawn in by the action then the dialogue. The dialogue is really taking it down and I mean by a lot, not by a pint or two.

"Blood is splattered to the walls."

I'm not  a grammarian by any means, but this just seems awkward to me. On the walls? Over the walls? To the walls just sounds odd.

"Focuses on Redneck #1�s face."

Get rid of the "focuses". I don't know if you mean camera focuses or we focus, as in, we go to, or we see.

"ya tried ta feed me ta gators."

Good line. Now just rescue it from the dull block of dialogue its trapped in.

That's all for now.

-J.S.

Quoted from J.S. First off, I think the SUPER should go after you've described the house. Use pronoun to refer back to the house. "Five redneck hillbilly�s walk out from around the house." The dialogue is all information and doesn't pull the audience in. It's dull. You need to work it in a way where you don't start off with just saying, he did this and he did that and he's this and he's that. Find a way to do it where you reveal this information but you don't do so directly. "More focus is on the house." Either reword to delete this. "The pool of blood flows to the grass." That's kinda cool actually. Honestly, I was more drawn in by the action then the dialogue. The dialogue is really taking it down and I mean by a lot, not by a pint or two. "Blood is splattered to the walls." I'm not  a grammarian by any means, but this just seems awkward to me. On the walls? Over the walls? To the walls just sounds odd. "Focuses on Redneck #1�s face." Get rid of the "focuses". I don't know if you mean camera focuses or we focus, as in, we go to, or we see. "ya tried ta feed me ta gators." Good line. Now just rescue it from the dull block of dialogue its trapped in.

Thanks for taking a look!

I wasn't to sure about where to put the SUPER when I put it in.

I fixed the rednecks walk from around the house line.

Not sure what to do with the rednecks dialogue. I have to somehow introduce the audience to this scene without them questioning why we're at some random old house.
Suggestions? Maybe as they say it there could be a quick split second scene of what actually happened?

I pretty much deleted the focus lines. They were meant to say "that's all we see," but that didn't really workout to well.

I'll fix the blood on the wall line, must of slipped by me!

Most of the dialogue where Hex is torturing the redneck is from one of the comics issues. I could trim it a bit, but I want to somehow show just through dialogue that you don't want to mess with Jonah Hex. I thought with the torture, that I imagine would be happening off screen, it would be a good way to show this. Any suggestions or is a simple trimming required?
Funny enough, I added that part about being fed to the gators so thank you.  :)

Again I appreciate you taking a look at my script! Thank you!

Quoted from JamesTheJudged I have to somehow introduce the audience to this scene without them questioning why we're at some random old house. Suggestions?

Whatever you do keep it simple. Keep that in the back of your head. Keep it focused on something and don't stray away from it too much. Don't go off on tangents. Stay on a conflict or problem and go from there. But keep it simple.

Quoted from JamesTheJudged Most of the dialogue where Hex is torturing the redneck is from one of the comics issues. I could trim it a bit, but I want to somehow show just through dialogue that you don't want to mess with Jonah Hex.

You could do that, but I think that's something that'll develop throughout the entire script. Not immediately. It'll be better to evenly distribute his "badassary"

Quoted from JamesTheJudged I thought with the torture, that I imagine would be happening off screen, it would be a good way to show this. Any suggestions or is a simple trimming required?

Well I don't take issue with it. Just keep it focused and strong on the story side. You don't have to show the violence if you don't want to.

Quoted from JamesTheJudged Funny enough, I added that part about being fed to the gators so thank you.  :)

It's something a redneck would say. It's funny :)

Quoted from JamesTheJudged Again I appreciate you taking a look at my script! Thank you!

No problem.