Shutdown by Mahyar Rasi - Horror - A giant megastore becomes a death trap for its employees who must come up with an escape plan while being hunted by a vicious creature that gives new meaning to “dead-end job”. 92 pages - pdf, format 8)

I've read it, and I must say I like it. It's hard to say exactly what about it I like; it could be that someone is killed with a (SPOILERS!) forklift, or the fact that it's a neat way of using the werewolf concept...or just the fact that I've worked in stores unpacking boxes before, and identify with some of the staff.

I can't find a lot wrong with it. The only major formatting nitpick I saw is the use of CONTINUEDs.

However, one area that I did get lost is the reveal of the enemies. Are Scott, Clarence Jr., and Garth all related to the Robbie that killed himself early on? It just gets a little bit confusing near the end, as to why there's a panther and giant logs inside the store. It might just be me not reading it closely enough, but I think it's something you might want to take a look at.

Overall, I do like it.

Hey, Mahyar

"A giant megastore becomes a death trap for its employees who must come up with an escape plan while being hunted by a vicious creature that gives new meaning to “dead-end job”."

Nothing like a short, crisp sentence to get your point across  :). You've got my attention, so I'm going to take a look at the first ten to fifteen pages, and, hopefully, continue being intrigued and hear from you. I've already got an image in my head, and have a desire to see it through. The megastore reminds me of the many Romero flicks, of course, no zombies since it's "creature" not "creatures" haunting an ensemble cast of costumers/workers. Shall, we.

BLB

Hey, Mahyar

First, impressions, bravo. Short, crisp narratives, good characters, well paced, and, I'm only 20 pages in but, man, am I happy I picked this up. I hope to hear from you, so I can pick your brain about what you've got written down here. Either way, I plan on finishing this script, quite frankly, because I'm interested in what happens next, haha.

Rather than having to trudge through difficult narrative, I'm able to focus on the story and structure, and from what I can tell in the first 20 pages the story and structure appear promising. Usually, the middle is the toughest part, but the middles issues usually stem from issues in the beginning/setup. But, yeah, so far so good.


BLB