Social Experiment by Jordan Littleton (nomad) - Short, Drama - Young Ashley suffers through unspeakable torment hoping it will give her the means to break free from her cycle of pain. - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting this Don.  You really do all of us a great service by giving us a venue to share our stories with the world.

Jordan

Jordan,

The writing’s assured, and you certainly captured a dark, joyless world with the visuals and characters.  The story, despite the heavy subject matter was effective without feeling overly sentimental -- perhaps brutally so.  

SPOILERS

To me the ending felt a tad ambiguous.  I can appreciate your not wanting to spell it out -- as the act in itself could be seen as enough -- but I couldn’t help but wonder where the bus was headed; or more importantly how far it could take Ashley from this way of life?  Interested to see what others make of this.  

Might want to put OVER BLACK before the opening line of action/SFX.  Maybe a preference thing -- doesn’t hurt as written, but wouldn’t harm it either in terms of clarity.

Steve.

Hey Jordan,

The opening paragraph reminds me of one I wrote recently and I got bashed for it as doesn't contain a verb lol, personally I have no worries with it.

I would capitalise Bums and Vagabonds, same for Toddlers and Bar tender.

You didn't give an age for the Clerk but you did for other characters.

SPOILERS!!!

I found this to be a very sad tale and it was very well written.  Ashley's plight and daily ritual was quite moving.  I liked the whole swings and roundabouts storyline, if you understand me?  I mean Pops paying and getting it back, it kind of makes it worse, even more so than the incest...if that's at all possible.

Anyway I thought this was excellent.

Ditto, from me in terms of very well written and the images are terrific. It's just so bleak and I'm not sure the ending offers much in terms of respite/hope...if that's what you were aiming for.

In terms of filming, it would require a level of skill to pull it off, brave actors, a sizeable budget (I reckon) and hmm, ultimately it's a bit of a 'downer' - not that everything has to be up :) mind you. Very well written though, vivid images & nothing of note to nitpick at all. Well done.

Libby

Bleak. Very bleak. Personally, I'd say too bleak. Agreed that it's well-written, but overly so. My thinking behind this is that when filming (and not a zero budget short, so by professionals) each page is broken down into 8ths and then the 1st AD will work with the director, producer or line producer to break up the filming schedule and look at the best way to get the script filmed. So when you look at your script, there are at times 4 or 5 8ths where very little happens, so you have a problem. You either have long stretches where the camera is looking for something to do or a director with a clear vision on what to do to fill up the time - or you just lose the general filming schedule, which means you can very easily lose any structure and semblance of cohesion.

It's a tough balance - on the one hand you've written some excellent visuals, but on the other hand, you've given any creative team a tough script to film, unless there's a distinct vision/image in the director's mind.

That leads me to my problem with the bleakness. In my opinion, too much time has been invested in showing the bleakness of Ashley's world and as such, there's no discernible arc for her character.

The best element here is the 'passdown' in seniority. So the father dominates the son, the son the older sister, the older sister the younger sister. So you definitely make some interesting points on the perpetuity of violence, demoralising people and locking in mental and physical abuse. That's the soul of the script, as I see it. Therefore, you should give Ashley an outlet, be it a puppy, doll, or whatever and then give her a choice at the end whereby she will either perpetuate the violence and abuse on her subordinate, as it is in the family chain, or she will break the chain. That to me gives you an arc and an interesting, thought provoking short. Perhaps you could tie that element in with a puppy that she gives to Thomas to whisk it away from the hopelessness, or she gets on the bus with it - however you do it, I think you absolutely need that choice.

A story very well told. Loved the full circle with the more dominant characters... and i didn't figure it out till the end it was a family thing. Sorry I can't add more. I read through without a hitch and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Jordan,

Nice work here - an Art Directors dream... or nightmare depending on how you want look at it ;)...

well written, nice visuals... and a good ending... which I didn't see it as being bleak, but in fact hopeful. Maybe I miss read it though....

One thing I didn't understand about this is - *SPOILER --- why the money?  If this is a family unit, why does Pops give money to her... am I missing something here (and could very well be) is this like giving money for grocery shopping? If so, it's an odd way to go about it... that was my only hook up on it. I understand you need that element to have the ending that you have, and fear you forced this device into the story just to get that ending, but again I might be missing something.. otherwise, well done. I enjoyed reading it.

Best,
Kev

Quoted from stevemiles Jordan, The story, despite the heavy subject matter was effective without feeling overly sentimental -- perhaps brutally so.   ...the ending felt a tad ambiguous. Might want to put OVER BLACK before the opening line of action/SFX.  Maybe a preference thing -- doesn’t hurt as written, but wouldn’t harm it either in terms of clarity.

Thank you, Steve, for your kind words.

I didn't want to spell it out too much at the end because in the end, it doesn't matter how far the bus will take Ashley.  Anywhere is better than where she is.

I was torn with using "OVER BLACK", but I ultimately decided not to use it.  I hadn't faded in yet, so in my mind, it's OVER BLACK.  That's just how I see it, but I may be wrong.

Jordan

Quoted from alffy You didn't give an age for the Clerk but you did for other characters. I found this to be a very sad tale and it was very well written... ..Pops paying and getting it back, it kind of makes it worse, even more so than the incest...if that's at all possible. Anyway I thought this was excellent.

Thanks for the review, alffy.  I always appreciate your reviews because you always seem to find the things I miss.  

Even though the Clerk is a minor character, you're right in that I should have shown his age.

I'm glad you think it is well written.  If you're going to give me your time, I'm going to do my best to give you a well written script.

Jordan

Quoted from LC ...I'm not sure the ending offers much in terms of respite/hope...if that's what you were aiming for.

After reading your review, Libby, I'm going to have to agree with you.  I got my point across, but I have this nagging feeling that I could have written the ending slightly different and made it more uplifting.  

The difficultly I was having, was that I picture the last page of the script taking about 3 minutes to film instead of 30 seconds, but I didn't want to just throw in filler to stretch it out.  Any advice?

Jordan

Hey Jordan,

I really liked your scene descriptions, it really took me into Ashley's dark, hopeless world. Like Andrew said, I was looking for some sort of relief from it towards the mid-way point. I though one of those children might have been Ashley's and I would get to see a moment of positivity for her. Her arc is to get out, but why? What does she have out there in the world that gives her hope and fight?

The Pops thing I was a bit lost on too. If she willingly sleeps with her father for money for her brother is violence really enough to make her do that, since he obviously does not love her anyway?

Quoted from Andrew Bleak. Very bleak. Personally, I'd say too bleak. ...on the one hand you've written some excellent visuals, but on the other hand, you've given any creative team a tough script to film, unless there's a distinct vision/image in the director's mind. ...there's no discernible arc for her character. ...give Ashley an outlet, be it a puppy, doll, or whatever and then give her a choice at the end whereby she will either perpetuate the violence and abuse on her subordinate, as it is in the family chain, or she will break the chain.

Great review, Andrew.  Your producers point of view is invaluable and much appreciated.

This was my first attempt at writing something modern and dark.  Perhaps I went too dark, or bleak.

I like that you see this as being difficult to film without a distinct vision.  I know that challenge comes with this script, should someone choose to film it.  In my mind there are scenes that take much longer than they read.

I see what you're saying about there not being any discernible arc for Ashley.  I agree and I like your solution for that problem.

I was toying with the idea of Ashley taking one of the toddlers with her, but ultimately, that would create too many problems for her.  If I do a rewrite on this, I'll have her enter the house and caress the cheeks of the toddlers, to show that she's kind and caring, despite the horror of her life.  

Maybe I show her stealing some candy from the liquor store, only to give it to the toddlers.  That would make readers think she's a bad person too, only to feel like shit when they see that she intended to help someone far less fortunate than she.

Jordan

Quoted from Nomad After reading your review, Libby, I'm going to have to agree with you.  I got my point across, but I have this nagging feeling that I could have written the ending slightly different and made it more uplifting.   The difficultly I was having, was that I picture the last page of the script taking about 3 minutes to film instead of 30 seconds, but I didn't want to just throw in filler to stretch it out.  Any advice? Jordan

Jordan, the way around it I think would be if Ashley can get her own back in some way before she hops on that bus, which might mean her doing something bad or underhanded herself... actually, something clever to get her own back would be even better. And of course you'd want something that was believable too and not too 'happy ending'.

Also, the trick is in her doing something that won't compromise her character and make her just as bad as the others. This would definitely result in a least a more satisfying ending I reckon.

Easy for me to say though, thinking what that 'clever' thing might be, is altogether another thing! Will let you know if I think of anything. :)

Jordan- I have to re-arrange my thoughts on this after reading your last post.

The instincts you showed in what you wound up putting in the script was a good call. She may want to get one of the kids out of there but her first priority has to be to get out of there...and not just run, but run and keep running as fast as she can. If she's burdened with a kid, she's not only not getting very far but she's liable to draw the attention of law enforcement and wind up back where she started. Stealing candy for the kids...there's something about that thought that doesn't fit or would just feel out of place with what's here. That's just me...maybe it adds something, but I don't think you need it. Something else to care for the one of the kids, something to show a loving touch, seems right...and since they all seem neglected, just about effort at all would help them.

Anyway, I was impressed with how well you've described and helped the read visualize the scenes. Truthfully, I haven't exactly seen a copy of Crack Whore Magazine in quite some time (the selection of periodicals at my local Walgreen's has been reduced to variations of Tiger Beat, Cat Fancy and puzzel books) but this is vivid but still tightly written.  

Hey Jordan,

The sad thing is that your script is no doubt  a sad reality for a-lot of people.

You painted a very clear and dark picture, good work.

Michael

Quoted from Nomad If you're going to give me your time, I'm going to do my best to give you a well written script. Jordan

There seems to be a lot of bitching on Simply nowadays so this is nice to hear.  I feel an internet hug coming on lol.

Quoted from myself why the money?  If this is a family unit, why does Pops give money to her... am I missing something here (and could very well be) is this like giving money for grocery shopping? If so, it's an odd way to go about it... that was my only hook up on it. I understand you need that element to have the ending that you have, and fear you forced this device into the story just to get that ending, but again I might be missing something..

Okay so after some thought on this matter... I might have answered my own question, and feel, yes the money thing works... works in the sense that it makes the situation more demented and more disgusting (if that's possible)... the money objectifies Ashley, further degrading her,  some sick thing that Pops gets off on, knowing he'll get the money back... so now that I view it that way, it works for me on a whole other level... okay... so That's my take on it, don't know if that's what you were going for however.

Best of luck with it, good job.
Best,
Kev.

Quoted from DustinBowcot A story very well told. Loved the full circle with the more dominant characters... and i didn't figure it out till the end it was a family thing. Sorry I can't add more. I read through without a hitch and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Thanks for the review, Dustin.  I was hoping that it wouldn't be obvious that this was a family until the end.  I worried that by calling the father, Pops, it would give it away.

I'm glad it was an enjoyable and easy read for you.

Jordan

Jordan

“His back fat and dimpled ass ripple with each thrust.

“Sweat drips down his face and onto the girl.”

- Now there’s a duo of images, nice. Good writing though.

"ASHLEY, 15, can’t hold back the tears. They stream down her
face and mix with the droplets of sweat raining from above."

- Before being hit with the suckerpunch...Again, the imagery is arresting and nicely worded. Except “raining” though, that’s overstating just a tad I reckon.

I don’t know if the muted wrangling of change in the shop scene worked for me. It seems a little out of place, almost Charlie Chaplin-esque silent movie shenanigans which I doubt is the tone you want to infer here.

I really like your writing style nonetheless; clear, concise and visual.
This is coming off like Precious 2, not necessarily a bad thing, just an observation. We are officially in white trash-ville, right down to the skittering cockroaches.

Holy sh?t, five pages in and this reads like kitchen sink, miserablist drama taken to breaking point. With the title in mind I’m holding off making a definite judgement but everything does feel a little too ratcheted up for nothing more than mere effect and shock value; the screaming kids, the squalor, alcohol, cigarettes, the coarse dialogue, older sister “repeated kicking” younger sister, older brother hitting sister while pimping out young sister, etc, it’s all too much but as I say, I got the title in mind so I’m guessing and hoping there is more at work here.

I thought it couldn’t get any more debased but you got me on that one with the reveal of Pops’ connection to the family, wow, what a fu?ked up situation. Unfortunately, I find the title a bit misleading or just plain nonsensical (please, fill me in on its meaning) and the script doesn’t really let up on the bleak set of circumstances we’re witnessing here...except the final scene which provide some brief glimmer of hope and possibility of change for poor Ashley.

Having said all that, I’ll reiterate by applauding your writing style, a breezy read despite the difficult content, that’s a credit to you. And the so-called difficult content is certainly engaging and harrowing thus effective. I do stand behind my belief that it’s a bit overkill, later on the ultra dingy bar, cocaine use and skin crawling reveal add to this impression  but then again I take it you are trying to depict a  specific strata of society that most of us would like to believe doesn’t exist but unfortunately does.

Overall, an affecting piece.

Col.

Hi Jordan,

I try not to miss your shorts - they are so well written. You are very attentive to detail and reading your work is like watching a real movie really. And the dialog is always very clean and good.

Same here. You didn't disappoint with your writing.
I was sucked in right away and you kept me glued to the screen.
The ending - if that's too easy to escape she would do it without the money. Especially what she had is pretty little. So, I'm thinking we need something stronger here. A hot-line number for abused or something. The next big decision - it's got to be big, I think.

The only thing - the ages, you write 58. Why not 60...

Quoted from KAlbers Nice work here - an Art Directors dream... or nightmare depending on how you want look at it ;)... well written, nice visuals... and a good ending... which I didn't see it as being bleak, but in fact hopeful. Maybe I miss read it though....

Quoted from KAlbers Okay so after some thought on this matter... I might have answered my own question, and feel, yes the money thing works...

Thanks for the compliment, Kevin.  I'm glad you didn't see it as being too bleak.  I was getting a little worried that I went too far and didn't end on a positive enough note.

You're correct about the money.  It's some sick and twisted "allowance" that Pops gives Ashley, and he knows he's just going to get back.  That's what I was trying to show with the chuckle and the smirk.

Jordan

Quoted from Loulou Hey Jordan, I really liked your scene descriptions, it really took me into Ashley's dark, hopeless world... ..Her arc is to get out, but why? What does she have out there in the world that gives her hope and fight? The Pops thing I was a bit lost on too. If she willingly sleeps with her father for money for her brother is violence really enough to make her do that, since he obviously does not love her anyway?

Loulou,

I'm happy that I was able bring you into such a dark and hopeless world.  I mean that in a good way.

Ashley wants to get out and go anywhere.  It doesn't matter where she goes or how far she goes as long as it's not where she is now.

She doesn't willingly sleep with Pops.  That's why she's pushing against him and crying.  It's just that this life is all she's ever known.

Jordan

Quoted from CrusaderVoice Anyway, I was impressed with how well you've described and helped the read visualize the scenes. Truthfully, I haven't exactly seen a copy of Crack Whore Magazine in quite some time (the selection of periodicals at my local Walgreen's has been reduced to variations of Tiger Beat, Cat Fancy and puzzel books) but this is vivid but still tightly written.

Crusader,

You can get, Crack Whore Magazine, online.  Unfortunately it's only available by stealing your Internet access from your neighbors dial up connection.  That's how they ensure they reach their target demographic.

I always try to write tight and vivid, so thank you for your compliment.  I'm glad I could deliver.

Jordan

Quoted from trickyb Hey Jordan, The sad thing is that your script is no doubt  a sad reality for a-lot of people. You painted a very clear and dark picture, good work. Michael

Thanks for the read, Michael.

There was a point while I was writing this where I felt ill from how disheartening the subject was.  I know that there are children suffering out there right now, and there's no jar of quarters or a bus to take them away.

Jordan

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I don’t know if the muted wrangling of change in the shop scene worked for me. It seems a little out of place, almost Charlie Chaplin-esque silent movie shenanigans which I doubt is the tone you want to infer here. I really like your writing style nonetheless; clear, concise and visual. Having said all that, I’ll reiterate by applauding your writing style, a breezy read despite the difficult content, that’s a credit to you. And the so-called difficult content is certainly engaging and harrowing thus effective. I do stand behind my belief that it’s a bit overkill, later on the ultra dingy bar, cocaine use and skin crawling reveal add to this impression  but then again I take it you are trying to depict a  specific strata of society that most of us would like to believe doesn’t exist but unfortunately does. Overall, an affecting piece. Col.

Thanks for another great review, Col.

I initially didn't want Ashley to have a single line of dialogue, and make that role extremely difficult to play, thus the muted scene in the store.  I could have had her ask for her change, but I went with the silent approach.  In no way did I envision that as a Buster Keaton style scene.  I'll be more aware of that in the future.

I'm glad you like my style.  I'm glad you think I have a style.

You're correct about a lot of things in this script, Col.  I did intend this to be overkill but hopefully just on the safe side of "sickening".

Jordan

Quoted from Nomad I initially didn't want Ashley to have a single line of dialogue, and make that role extremely difficult to play, thus the muted scene in the store.  I could have had her ask for her change, but I went with the silent approach.  In no way did I envision that as a Buster Keaton style scene.  I'll be more aware of that in the future.

- Maybe if you played her completely silent from the beginning (in other words, take out one line) it wouldn't feel so out of place. I was exaggerating when I said Charlie Chaplin-esque, (the preceding scene tells us, unequivocally, that we ain’t in Hollywood nor Kansas anymore!) it was just the call and response actions of the characters I found a little darkly comic but in a silly, caricatured way, if you know what I mean. Anyway, it’s a small thing, just my opinion.

Quoted from Nomad You're correct about a lot of things in this script, Col.  I did intend this to be overkill but hopefully just on the safe side of "sickening".

- Depends on one's definition of "sickening" of course ;) Then again, anybody who won't acknowledge that this demographic exists is naive.

Hey Jordan,

Had a quick read, sorry no detailed notes but you seem to have been well served so far.

Ok. It's bleak, buts that's fine if there is a story. To me the family connections is the link that pulls this through, however, I did feel the Pops element wasn't quite for me. Not saying it can't work but a few things I struggled with (1) the payment which he would know goes to her brother which he then demands? (2). The openness switch which the father reveals his intentions for Ashley. Now there are sick folk out there, and this thing happens, but there doesn't seem to be any subtly to it which makes me feel it is a tad too much.

I loved the Crack Whore Mag line - great stuff.

Ashley  - I didn't feel I knew her much, other than she is living in hell and secretly saves the coins.

I loved the fact she uses the coins to go anywhere - I didn't mind us not knowing where, just remember to stress her desperateness to get anywhere and far

Overall sound, yet depressing work, with my final thought being to embellish the Ashley character so we know her more, feel her hopes, want er to leave etc maybe use Pops to suggest she will be disposed of so there is a clock ticking on her life.

All the best

Quoted from khamanna I try not to miss your shorts - they are so well written. You are very attentive to detail and reading your work is like watching a real movie really. And the dialog is always very clean and good. Same here. You didn't disappoint with your writing. I was sucked in right away and you kept me glued to the screen. The ending - if that's too easy to escape she would do it without the money. Especially what she had is pretty little. So, I'm thinking we need something stronger here. A hot-line number for abused or something. The next big decision - it's got to be big, I think. The only thing - the ages, you write 58. Why not 60...

Wow.  Thank you very much for the great compliment, Khamanna.

As far as the script goes, this is the only life that Ashley knows.  It took a lot of courage for her to break away into the unknown.  

She received 51 cents every time she went to the liquor store.  If she saved all of that money for an entire year, she would have about $180, which would weigh about 9 pounds.  That's a good amount of money to travel with and it's not too heavy.

I do like the idea of there being a path for her escape, but I wanted to leave it up to the reader as to where Ashley was going.

The reason that Pops is 58 and not 60 is because...well he IS 58.  All of my characters exist in my mind.  Pops is 58.  As a boy, he was frequently beaten by his mother until he joined the Army in 1973.  He was dishonorably discharged in 1974, during the Vietnam War.  He has 3 children, that he claims, and multiple others that he doesn't know about. His wife overdosed under questionable circumstances.  And he's a waste of life.

I never use a general age for my characters.

Jordan

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Ashley  - I didn't feel I knew her much, other than she is living in hell and secretly saves the coins. Overall sound, yet depressing work, with my final thought being to embellish the Ashley character so we know her more, feel her hopes, want er to leave etc maybe use Pops to suggest she will be disposed of so there is a clock ticking on her life.

Bill,

Thanks for the read and the notes.

I like your idea of getting to know Ashley better.  Right now, the reader feels her pain, but they don't really know anything personal about her.  They know what happens TO her, but nothing about who she is.  I'll have to fix that.

Jordan

Very dark and very well written.

Spoiler



I had a feeling "Pops" was the father because of the character's name. Your descriptions are wonderful and you really paint a vivid picture in all your scenes but it is, as someone else remarked, a bit of a downer. I am not sure why Ashley's brother pimps her to their father. What does he get out of it than he wouldn't get from a stranger? It kind of felt like the opening to a longer story. Glad she finally got out of there :)

Tom Cynova’s Review of:


"Social Experiment"
By Jordan Littleton
jmlittleton79@gmail.com


Drama




*What I enjoyed about the script:

- Pops' revolting character and the heinous act is setup and described effectively right away with precise visual and auditory details. Immediately we are introduced to the style, subject matter, and world that these characters live in.

- Acute attention to detail in the characters, their desires and thoughts, and the environment makes the world of this story that much more believable and credible to the writer we are entrusting to tell it right.

- Consistent and prevalent detail surrounds us in the rough, cruel, and decayed world these characters inhabit, as well as the small, yet memorable moments of hope from particular characters like the bus driver. These details help to further contrast and illustrate just how flawed their surroundings are and how the endless cycle of depravity continues on with Ashley's consistent process and even webs out to all those connected and involved.

- I like the vivid description that works to both setup and execute each scene as well as provide us deeper insight into the characters and their situation by reflecting much of who they are or feel inside.

- A smooth read that accomplishes giving enough information and description without being overbearing, too unnecessary, or repetitive.

- Ashley's plan and solution to her situation is made even more effective by the details of how she endured it and how her plan to get out of it meant a lot to her. The importance of that small amount of coin change from the liquor store sale and the secluded hiding spot that no one would go to look, as a place she chose to hide the significant piece of her plan, greatly strengthens that element of the story.

- I enjoyed, and was for the most part satisfied with the conclusion of the story. I liked seeing how all the elements came together, how the cycle of Ashley's situation came full-circle to reveal just how despicable it really was, to learn where much of it all originated from, and what kept it perpetuated.

- The material is raw and makes just enough attempt to handle it in an expressive manner without going too far into an exploitive or perverse manner.




*Personal notes, criticisms, and suggestions:

- On (Page 1) I would make "Thirty-Seven dollars. In ones." just one sentence. Although it may be for emphasis to further detail the situation or characters, it is just as effective together and continues a smooth pace of reading.

- "Motionless" is used twice in close proximity and repeats the same action that "staring" conveys. While there are many other words to describe the same, the particular line on (Page 2) at the end of the liquor store scene, could also be written simply as: "She stares down at it.", and still be as effective as you had written it at the end of the first scene on (Page 5).

- On (Page 3) the line "her head shakes "No".", could be shortened. It's entirely by preference as the way you've written defines the action exactly, while a shorter version reads smoother. In most cases and in connection with this scene, generally a character shaking their head to say "no" is just to shake their head, and to say "yes" they simply nod. This line could be written shorter as "she shakes her head." Unless a character is shaking their head for a reason other than to say no, it shouldn't confuse most people that she is saying "no".

- The line "Ashley waits a second, then nods." I would write as; "She remains silent. Then nods.", to continue the reading pace and economical use of the script.

- As well as shortening lines for the pace of reading and to reduce the amount of space needed to tell the story best, many of these same lines and others could be written with more descriptive or specific words as you have done in the first scene. Such as this line; "Thomas waves bye, closes the door, then drives away.". This is a line that can be called "a given". Most of us reading scripts know how a bus driver operates, so unless this particular character does it differently than most or has his own special way of closing the door, than we should keep this line as short and necessary as possible. It's a basic action, so it should be written basic. "He waves, closes the door, and drives on." Or simply "He waves and drives on." Enough about how both Thomas and Ashley feel in this moment has been expressed, and all we need to do is have him exit the scene.

- Another line that could use a word or two less and achieve the same: "She looks down at the vodka in her hand.", could be "She looks at the vodka in her hand.".

- At the end of the first scene on (Page 3), I would complete the indication of the pre-lap or sound transition by identifying it as a technical description:

"PRE-LAP: The sound of babies CRYING."

This ensures readers distinguish it from the current scene's action, yet know it's meant to connect and transition to the next scene.

- "Joe walks to the end of the bar and up a flight of stairs.". Like the line that describes the bus driver's action of taking off, this is a line of action that could be written to express this particular character's unique way of simply walking to leave the room. His character could walk, or he could swagger, or strut, or steamroll across the bar and up the stairs. He just snapped his fingers at the bartender. Maybe simply walking like anyone else is a little too ordinary or not brazen enough for this character.

- "Cont'd/Continued" indications are generally unnecessary and slightly distracting when continuously used especially in the middle of a page. It isn't a standard of screenwriting, but I would choose to only use them on page breaks or when they are necessary for the reader to understand a character or scene is continuing within all the other elements happening in the scene. In the dialogue of this script, the many "Cont'd" on each line of continuous dialogue is unnecessary for me to know the same character is still speaking in each of these scenes.

- There is a slight inconsistency of style that differentiates the beginning and end from the middle. In the beginning the descriptions are effective and raw. Towards the end they are lively and unpredictable. In the middle, they seem to fall flat and remain basic, as if inspiration or excitement for this part of the story pales in comparison to the other parts. By keeping the middle just as interesting as the beginning and end in terms of description and choice of words, that "style-sag" in the middle might become equal and just as strong as the other parts.

- I would pass through the script a few more times to catch lines that could ultimately be made shorter. It already reads smoothly enough, but another touch-up could make it an even smoother read.

- There is a great sense of environment, mood, and situation established, but the greatest missing element of this script is story development. We have a great setup of our characters, their world, and their circumstances, but we don't actually do anything within these scenes to change anything in a personal or extra-personal way. The story feels more like an exploration of the world vs. a journey of this character.

- These particular situations are believable, however I would have liked to see an originality in the characters, setup, and their decisions. While I completely commend Ashley for having a plan to save herself from that awful life, there isn't much of anything else she does to defend herself or challenge the life she has and abhors. She is incredibly strong on one side, and incredibly submissive on the other. For a lead character, it would be something interesting and special to have her attempt to defy her father or older brother, to try to fight off or argue with her sister, or to even visit the babies and whisper to them that she has a plan. Instead she is treated and endures in the way that many female characters do in stories that portray them in a typical way. Helpless, submissive, and intellectually and ethically weak in trying to find a way to defy and ultimately stop the situation. Even trying to fight or rebel despite having no chance of success would have elevated her character and allowed us to connect with her or believe in her more.

We don't get a hint that she has any intention of attempting to get her brother, sister, or the babies out of there as well. Only herself. I would hope she would attempt to call the police or tell someone of her situation especially with her father, but I assume the reasons for not doing so are either to protect her family in some way or simply because she fears them and just wants to get away more than anything else. I just wanted to see something more from our main character than just saving up money to get out. More depth, more exploration of who she was, her strengths, her skills, her desires outside of her situation. It seemed that there was more she could have done and should have done, or at the very least, could have hoped or proposed to do.

This story isn't focused on what could come from this or what the main character plans to do after she gets away. It doesn't foreshadow any sort of thought for her to consciously break the cycle or to even become like her brother and sister. It's centered on her endurance of her life and her one desire to just get out and away from it all. Within that focus, it would be good to accomplish something in her journey, and that could be something as singular, yet profound as defying those that keep her trapped. As a result it would reveal her strength of will in addition to the strength of endurance she has truly shown. That act of defiance shows a great change in her character, a revelation to us of her ability, and supports her choice in creating and carrying out her plan of escape.

- The structure of this story is a basic setup and pay-off structure, but it could have benefited greatly with more character and plot development. This could be presented in only a few moments or lines within a scene. More specifically in the middle or near the end of the story. After having Ashley endure so much and finally establishing the cycle she is in, let there be a moment when she defies, even if it's cut short quickly. Let us see that she isn't just another helpless female enduring pain, but one that makes a stand, however small or weak, to show that she is greater than where she came from and has the potential to do great things after her escape.

- I'm not sure what the title, "Social Experiment" refers to in the story. I read it as a story about a teenage girl in a terrible life and living situation. Maybe it refers more to the audience and how they perceive and respond to the material presented?

- While most of the flaws in this script are in the minor details, the story, the details without giving too much, and the writer's clear grasp on their characters makes this an engaging, fulfilling, and well-executed story with many mature and significant themes that were ultimately handled in a careful manner.

- Clearly a visual writer that pays attention to most of the elements of their script. With a tighter grip on these elements and a stronger focus on story development with the great visuals, the script could come together even greater and achieve a more powerful effect.



*My Overall Rating: 7/10 :)

Quoted from harrietb Very dark and very well written.

Thank you Harriet.  That's what I was going for.

Quoted from harrietb I am not sure why Ashley's brother pimps her to their father. What does he get out of it than he wouldn't get from a stranger?

Her brother doesn't necessarily pimp her to their dad.  The money is more like her allowance that her brother takes from her, and then Pops takes it from her brother.

I'm glad you liked the story.  Thank you for reading and commenting.

Jordan

Quoted from Tom Cynova - I'm not sure what the title, "Social Experiment" refers to in the story. I read it as a story about a teenage girl in a terrible life and living situation. Maybe it refers more to the audience and how they perceive and respond to the material presented?

Exactly.

Thank you, Tom, for your extensive notes.  I'm sure I'll use your services in the future.

Jordan

You force the reader/viewer into a social life that many ignore or turn their backs on.  The coins, the change Ashley saved hidden away, may be her escape from that world.

A director, from your script, may have this film in fast or slow tempo. Better yet, gradually increase the film tempo until before the last bus scene then back to a longer scene.

It's a sad story but well written.

If you find the time read mine "Fire Dancer"