The Regulars - Episode One: The Face by Gary Stocker (Galvedere) - Series, Comedy - Here's your chance to join in the fun with the regulars of an English country pub, for the first episode of this new sitcom.  26 pages - pdf, format 8)

The Regulars - Episode Three: The Snobs by Gary Stocker (Galvedere) & Paul Stocker - Series, Comedy - We're back for more fun, games and calamities at the "Lazy Dog" Public house. Will landlord Harry and Chef Jeff be able to play amiable hosts to the snobs? 26 pages - pdf, format 8)

Notes on The Face.


First thing I've noticed right away is your use of We zoom here and there... it's not good. Write around it.


Evidently he was first to pass out.


The above sentence is an unfilmable. There are more, lots more in your script, I'm just pointing them out. Also leave out the camera directions. they are not your job.


JEFF
Ooh my head. What was in that ice last night?

HARRY
What are you on about ice for?

JEFF
Well, I had a few whiskies with ice, then
a gin and tonic with ice, then a few rum and
cokes with ice. I felt fine last night and
now I‟ve got a stinking hangover. It must
have been the ice.


This is page 1 and if this was  a TV show I would have turned over already. The ice joke is very weak... and if this is the opening I dread to think what comes next. However I will persevere for a while longer.


Codweb Mary


Surely you mean cobweb? You use it a lot...


This is very difficult going and I can't finish... but you have no responses and I wanted to let you know why. You can spell and understand grammar, I'm just not sure comedy is your strong point. Also, you need to learn quite a bit on screenplay structure. I'd suggest buying some books and reading lots of screenplays. Don't take this badly... come back swinging, I'm sure you have it in you.

Good luck.

Ha ha Codweb is the name of someone local we know and decided to use it. Never entered my head that it could be spotted as an error!

I do agree with my overuse of camera directions, something I need to restrain myself on!

Thanks for taking a look though.

Gary

Quoted from Gary Stocker Ha ha Codweb is the name of someone local we know and decided to use it. Never entered my head that it could be spotted as an error! I do agree with my overuse of camera directions, something I need to restrain myself on! Thanks for taking a look though. Gary

is it explained in your script why she is called Codweb? If not then you should rethink that. The audience will hear codweb and wonder why the name. You could even have a stranger ask why Codweb? then milk the answer for a while. Only if it is funny and suits the theme of the show though. Codweb is fine if used to full potential.

It could be of course that I just don't get your comedy. I'd be happy to read another or even this one again if you cut down the dialogue and read some on screenplay format and structure. I'd recommend Save The Cat by Blake Snyder for your first book. Very easy to read and set out simply. Moving on from that is Syd Field's Screenplay, The Foundations of Screenwriting which actually goes through scripts and dissects them.

Read the first 11 pages. The opening scene is a whopper - 10 pages long. Five pages is considered a very long scene by today's standards. As a rule, scenes should be 2-3 pages. Remember the come in late, get out early theory.

There's very little action in the first 10 pages, almost all dialogue. You can show the mess in the bar, have a few comedy lines, and get to the point of the "big draw" they need, in 3-4 pages max.

Thanks for the review Insider 101. However, I have to disagree with you regarding the amount of dialogue, specifically within a Sitcom. Most sitcom's are very wordy, dialogue driven. This is no exception. It was written with the view that we shall minimal sets. We were looking for approx 15 scenes for a 30 minute comedy.

Also, the first introductory scene ends on Page 6, by the end of page 10 we are on scene Six.

Oops Insider 901! Apologies.

Gary,

My error. My humblest apologies. Didn't realize it was a series. :) Guess i could read the genre, huh? LOL.

No worries. Thanks for the feedback.