I'm Burt Reynolds by Cody Michaels - Drama - A man who pretends to be Burt Reynolds travels out west hoping to figure out why he is the way he is.  130 pages - pdf, format 8)

Let's assume it's because he has mental health problems?

Simon, are you going to heckle every script here, based on the logline?


Phil

"Let's assume it's because he has mental health problems?"

Read it and find out, ;).  The answer may surprise you.


BUT, to expand a bit on the logline, it's about a man struggling to identify his significance in the world.  He heads out west hoping to escape his past and start over, living as the person he wants to be.  But he soon finds that his desire to be someone else doesn't mix well with society and is left yearning for an answer to fix it all.  

My apologies, Phil (& Cody), I was being a dick.

Cody, I read into some of the script ... but it didn't do it for me. I think a lot of trimming's needed here as there's too much superfluous material - and the story angle you've begun with is very plain. Sorry to be negative.

Cody,

I read the first 10 pages and liked it. I'll try to give it a full read and review when I have time. You write dialogue very well, my friend.

Sorry got kicked off line.

Fletcher
He don't like cowboys none

Love it. Very interested to see where this script goes.

I'll give this one a go, though a few things I've noticed right off the bat:

I've seen scripts, produced and unproduced, where the writer underlines the slugs, but I always found it distracting. Just my opinion. But I think bolding the slugs is good enough.

And you should probably break up your action blocks more. The first action/description paragraph should be two paragraphs. It better dictates what we see. For example, the first thing we see is a little boy. Then you introduce the mother, which is the next thing we see. Separate that into another paragraph.

Also, the slug is EXT. SMALL HOUSE - but there is no description of where they are exactly. She's spraying him with a hose. Are they in a yard? Driveway? I know it sounds like nitpicking, but it IS your opening scene, its important we get a good picture to start things off.

And the VOICE OVER feels a little out of place here (first block of dialogue). I know the short you have posted uses only voice over, and it serves well for that story. But I'm not so sure here. We don't know who Wade is yet (though you introduce him in the next scene) and we don't know who is speaking to him. And when a full dialogue is introduced, Wade is not speaking to a woman (Roberta), he's speaking to WORKER 1.

I'll check this out and give you a full review when I get the chance.

Been a way for a while.  Sorry about that.  Good to see some feedback here.  

Thanks for the kind words, insider.  I hope you get a chance to read some more.  

Simon, thanks for the critique.  I wanted to establish a plain situation with a not so plain character I suppose.  I wanted to pose the question, why is this person here?  As for the superfluous material.  I find scripts more interesting to read when there is a bit of detail mixed in with the actions.  I know you might say that that's not what producers and such want to read but it's just my style of writing.  

Spesh2k, thanks for the quick read.  I agree, perhaps the first action block could be broken up into two.  That makes sense.  I also agree about the slugline.  EXT. BACK YARD might work better.

That first seen is essentially a flashback, hence the change in years.  I tried to highlight this more with the little boy wearing a cowboy hat and then Wade is as well.  I tried to connect the two together.  The voice over is Wade's mother talking down to him.  It is suppose to read like the voice you hear in a bad dream.  The voiceover and scene is not meant to be exposition, per say.  That's why it isn't addressed... Until later in the script at least.

That is just my reasoning, though it could just be me being stubborn but that's at least how I look at the scene.  I do appreciate you taking some time to read it and I hope you will give it more of a chance and read some more.    

I'll check out the rest tonight and shoot you off some comments...

So, I checked out the first 10 pages and couldn't really get into it. It is is way over written, and it took me a while just to get past some paragraphs of description. The first 10 pages is bland and plain, nothing interesting really happens. No intrigue.

It feels like what I read is strictly character establishment, and 10 pages is a long introduction.

On page 2 you have: "WADE HUDSON (25 years), looks 30, skinny with thick dark mustache. He wears a dusty red-button up shit. His pants khaki and straight. His Stetson cowboy hat tipped low on his head. He looks strikingly similar to Burt Reynolds.

"He sits slouched asleep in the back. He snaps out of it, waking up suddenly, his eyes still adjusting to the light. Amongst the mysterious cowboy is three other faceless men."

Way over written. You don't need to throw in "years" when identifying age. And the way you introduce Wade, I thought he was driving the pick up truck.

Here's how I would have written the above:

"WADE HUDSON (25) sits half asleep in the back. Thin build and dark mustache, dressed like a cowboy, he resembles Burt Reynolds, right down to the Stetson hat tipped low over his eyes.

He wakes suddenly, his eyes adjusting to the light. THREE other MEN sit with him in the back of the truck."

I wasn't sure what you meant by the three other faceless men - and when you introduce characters, even bit characters or extras, it needs to be capitalized.

Also, on page 9 your slug is EXT. GAME STAND. Then you CUT TO: Wade stopping for cotton candy. He stands eating it. Before he's finished, he tosses it in the trash and moves on.

Try to stay away from CUT TO:

And if he goes from the EXT. GAME STAND and leaves to get cotton candy, start another slug - COTTON CANDY STAND.

And you never mention him sitting, we all ready assume he's standing. This is how I would write that:

"He takes a few bites from his cotton candy and tosses the rest into the trash."

You then write "he moves on." No need to mention that. Just jump to the next setting/SLUGLINE.

It's things like that, along with the plainness of the story, that made me stop reading. One would only assume the rest of the script is written like this, and at 130 pages, it would make for a bit of a chore. And the last thing you want to do as a writer is make the reader feel like it's a chore.

I'm not saying it's terribly written, and maybe the story takes some interesting turns later on, but it really needs to be tightened up. Remember, each page represents one minute, and it should be written in a way that keeps things flowing, almost as if it were an actual film.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but, even outside of the writing, it still wasn't for me.

Fair enough.  Thanks for the read anyway and I appreciate the feedback and notes.  I do agree with most of them.