Adequate by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short, Drama - During a fatal car crash, a humble man reflects on the advice his father gave him, and how this affected his life. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Bill.

SPOILERS!!!

I was a bit unsure of the V.O's at first and thought this was heading down the humour road until you hit me with a real emotional ending.  I got to say I loved this, Bill.  It was great how you showed us how Meak saw his son and then how his son saw his father.

Very moving story.  Loved it.

Well, this certainly wasn't the story I was looking for to lift my spirits, was it?  :-)

What's up, Bill?

All right, so it was depressing, but it was quite an emotional read.  Those are the one's I love best, so I have to say you did a great job on this one.

I love voiceover, so I don't have any issues with that aspect of the story.

If anything, I'd probably have to put on my director or producer hat and bring up the subject of your extreme use of flashbacks.  From a production standpoint, (a short with a small budget), this will be incredibly hard to film.  Basically, there's too many different locations and too many different time-periods for it to make sense to make a short.

But of course, again, that's only from a production standpoint.  From a story standpoint, you have an emotional, depressing, realistic tale that works on the page.

I do have a question about the main character's name:  Meak

I love the name, but is that a regular name where you're from?  Or was he named Meak after the definition of the word meak?  I know I've heard of people nicknamed Meak, (short for McKinnon).  I'm just curious.

Anyway, great emotion in this one, Bill.  It's a downer, but I'm actually a big fan of downers as long as there's a good story and message behind them, and you make a good point about 'living your life the best you can' with this story.

- Mark

I have to agree with RC.  This depressed the hell out of me.  I would've reached for the whiskey bottle if it wasn't for the fact that it's been in my hand since 1986.

For this story to work, you need to give us a little hope; I think that Billy is it.  You need to show him as better than his father, because of his father.  Billy breaks the vicious cycle of mediocrity somehow.


Phil

Bill, I'm going to say I disagree with the others--while there were certainly some sad moments to it, I found a sort of humor to it combined with an empathetic character that you actually wanted to root for to finally get it right, and SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER -- it turns out, at least with Billy, he actually did.

I found this to be a strongly constructed story, well-written throughout.  I don't think the ending could have turned out any other way given the way it was set up.  Some nice visuals all the way through.   I could easily see this one being produced.  Great job on this, Bill!

Well, this was depressing. It reminded me of Kevin Spacey's voice over at the end of "American Beauty" mixed with the opening to "Up".

Your protag was easy to like and root for. It just seemed like he'd been getting dumped on his whole life, but somehow, he keeps smiling. And though he never accomplishes anything more than being adequate in his own life, it seems as though he did raise his boy Billy the right way, which is somewhat redeeming.

Still, it would have been nice if Meak would have lived and stuck it to Faith somehow, but hey, that's your story. Overall, well done. Just a bit of a downer.

Bill, I'm really curious about the tone/theme you are going for here? And I admit to being perplexed.

From 'go to woe indeed' everything is very bleak. And the final image just before Fade Out, is just miserable frankly. Poor Billy.  :'(

It's definitely a different concept you've come up with and I liked that it wasn't the usual 'Dad taught me to be the best' etc. - too much everybody's got to be a 'winner' today, but the story is a downer from one scene to the next, with no concluding redemption as far as I can see, and that spells a problem to me cause what exactly do you want your audience to come away with here?

The character of Meak (is it a play on the word 'meek' as Mark said?) comes across as so pathetic that I'm having trouble even feeling empathy for him. And yet I feel like there's a germ of an idea here that perhaps didn't get explored far enough.

A lot of what Meak does is, as Gary points out, humorous/funny just by the fact he is so oblivious to even obvious things and a real klutz, but unlike Gary the problem I had is that I'm not really rooting for the guy - I kinda just feel like he needed to 'grow a pair'.  

I really think you need to go the comedy route here - I don't mean funny ha ha, but along the lines you've already set up with Meak just not knowing his way around the world. and so your audience really wanting him to get something right, even if in his own demise. And develop further the idea that if you can't be the best it's all right to be adequate (I like that) as long as you're happy - but that's the key to me, I don't really feel Meak was ever that happy.

If I were you, I'd explore the theme of 'ignorance is bliss' further and perhaps have more of it rub off on Billy.

I definitely see this targeted towards animation too.

Good luck with it. Be interesting to read if any of the feedback so far is along the lines of what you were going for.

Thanks Alffy, Mark, Phil, splesh, LC, Gary.

Ok, hands up - it's not a comedy, I admit it. :o

I appreciate this is a tad depressing, and probably wouldn't be something I would like to watch for too long, hence why it is short, but I feel it deals with a handful of deep issues all at once. It has an emotional punch but i accept it has divided readers.

Is the ending sad? Well yes on the surface, but underneath I feel there is something positive. Had Billy not given a toss Meak's life would have been worthless to a degree. Yet what we discover is that whilst he wasn't always aware of what was going on around him, his principles of being there, being enthusiastic and being positive is what his child benefited from and loved.

In some ways it is a swipe at 'clever' adults, and corproate culture, seeking to be the best and missing core principles that can make us more rounded, more at peace.

The name Meak is indeed inspired by the word meek - a foreshadow of his character.

Should it be more upbeat? Well, it could be and the obvious one is for Meak to become aware of Billy during the funeral, and understand what he felt and what he did, but for now I will keep it dark.  :'(

Getting produced - I agree with Mark, this is unlikely to be made the way it's written. I have worked on this with a producer who loved the emotional depth and punch of the script, but we struggled on how this could be done simply.

Thanks for the reads.

Hey Bill,

Man do you like to tug at the heart. Really sad read but I enjoyed it. Nicely written.

A quick read with only one error that I found. You have Billy, 12, twice on page 4. Billy,12, in soccer kit and Billy, 12, watches. Other than that it was flawless. Good work.

Seems that poor Meak fumbled with issues his whole life, getting by unnoticed but saw life through his son Billy. I hated how everything ended because I would have loved to see Meak and Billy have a growing relationship with one another.

Take care.

- Dirk

Thanks Dirk,

Yup nothing like making the reader cry, thats what i aim for. Death and despair.

Also, thanks for the spot on the repeated age.

As it happens i am giving this a major re write with a new outcome but i like the version that is posted for what it is.

cheers

Another great script from you! I appreciate the tone of the story..not all stories are happy go lucky. I hope my notes were of some help :)

Thanks for sharing this with us Bill....you rock!

Bill,

there’s a subtle humour to the way you draw Meak's character (nicely done for such a short page count) which makes the ending just that little harder to accept.  It’s an interesting angle -- this guy takes life as it comes, gets up after every knock with a smile and still ends up alone and well, dead -- which begs the question of what exactly he ‘deserved’ out of life.  

If anything I could have done with a little more in the way of redemption -- something to let us know poor old Meak didn’t die totally in vain.  

Regardless, I liked it. A sad tale that’s all the better for not feeling drawn out or overwrought.  Look forward to seeing the revision.

Steve.

Bill,

This was ace.

Depressing? Very. But a brilliant read, nonetheless. You packed greater emotional impact into 6 pages than most scripts manage in 100. So big congratulations on that.

The only thing I would say, and it echoes what has already been said previously (apologies for being unoriginal with the suggestions, ha-ha), would be to give us some sort of hope, so that the ending isn't a complete downer.

Now, be that through Billy rising above the ranks of a loser, or as Steve touches upon, finding some way to allow Meak to have not died in vain, I'm not sure. I feel that either would work, but I believe that the latter would make the end that bit more satisfying.

But regardless, I really enjoyed this.

Great writing, man.

Toby.

Thanks dena (different version you read but great notes back - thanks), Steve and Toby,

This is what's great about SS. You get honest feedback.

As writers it is up to us to choose what to accept, what not. But the common response, to this script, is that...

...everyone wants some redemption and thats whats coming in the new and improved, ready for competition version of the the script (the version dena has read).

But as it is, a short, punchy yet depressing script, i am pleased it hits the spot. But it could be better.

thanks all

Bill,

I read this one a few days ago but just didn't have time to post.

I thought the beginning was hilarious. Then it sorted of tapered off into being very emotional and corny at times and I began to lose interest.

My advice would be to maybe try for more tragedy rather than playing up the sentimental angle.

Best,

-J.S.

Quoted from J.S. Bill, I read this one a few days ago but just didn't have time to post. I thought the beginning was hilarious. Then it sorted of tapered off into being very emotional and corny at times and I began to lose interest. My advice would be to maybe try for more tragedy rather than playing up the sentimental angle. Best, -J.S.

Thanks JS for the read, sorry don't know your name.

This script seems to divide readers, which is good in a way that it creates emotions but poor in another that they should be aligned.

This has never been a funny script,rather  it is one that is dark, sad, and to some depressing.

I am surprised you didn't feel that it had tragedy, since it deals with the  the death of a father, the failure of him to his son and how everyone mocked him, but we all read things differently.

my new, extended, version is taking everything on board

all the best

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Thanks JS for the read, sorry don't know your name. This script seems to divide readers, which is good in a way that it creates emotions but poor in another that they should be aligned. This has never been a funny script,rather  it is one that is dark, sad, and to some depressing. I am surprised you didn't feel that it had tragedy, since it deals with the  the death of a father, the failure of him to his son and how everyone mocked him, but we all read things differently. my new, extended, version is taking everything on board all the best

Hey Bill,

It's James.

I do feel it has tragedy. My suggestion was to focus more on the tragedy and less on the sentimental angle of it. And that's sort of difficult to do because those lines can sometimes blur. There are moments that feel forced to me and more often than not those are the moments rich in sentimentality. The ending -- the boy crying -- went a bit far. It feels forced to me.

Just my thoughts for you to ponder on. I'd love to have a look at the rewrite.

Best,

-J.S.

I didn't know what to expect... then while reading it I had the suspicion there wouldn't be any pay off. There was a pay off... and it was exceptionally well delivered.

If only he'd tried harder. I love a story with a moral.

I don't think this needs a rewrite. If a producer wants to make it, then make changes. It is only a short and in my opinion stands perfectly well already. Up to you though. But you should certainly invest more time in features.

I'm with James, as above. The story is strong, and the structure is pretty perfect, but the sentiment's a little thick here and there. Faith solemnly pointing him out the door is just going to look goofy, I think, and Billy yelling at the grave is begging for the "Noooooo!" high angle that you almost certainly don't want in something this short.

I like the tone very much and I do think there's humour to it, very strong humour that stems from pathos, as mentioned above. Meak has some elements of the archetypal Fool and they're working well here.

Faith's a little bit one-note, for me. She reacted exactly as I expected her to in each sequence. I'd like it if she surprised me somewhere along the way.

Thanks James, Dustin and Chris

I appreciate all the comments.

Re sentimentality - i suppose i was wanting to get across the fact it's not all bad, and that just being there, being positive, and consistent has found a place with the child - something the adults have missed.

In I the new version I am toning it down a bit but increasingly the conflict with the mother.

Re Faith - interesting point. I think she is a little more rounded as she starts as another type of outsider, a bit lost and desgruntled, but with time turns more vicious and angry. Could she be more developed? well for six pages I don't want to get the core story lost, which is Meak and his son, but it is decent food for thought.

Cheers everyone

Hey Bill - good to see more of your writing up. This really hit the mark for me. I've been meaning to read it for a while - bit late to the party on that one.

Couple of minors to start you off:

p.1 Meak, stands in the queue for the counter holding a used envelope with money inside.
-- comma after Meak should go after 'counter'.

p.1 The concrete wall comes out of nowhere a little bit for me.

p.6 Screaming with emotion, Billy drops to his knees next to the grave.
-- Gets it wrong. I'm tempted to say IMO, but lets be honest, it's the only bum note in a script that's almost pitch-perfect. IMO. Drat. Said it.

But the last time before the grave scene that we see Faith and Billy together, they're fighting as Billy is trying to get out of the door - so maybe that last scene (at the grave-yard) just needs a mother-and-son to look at each other, as the arms go round each other - providing comfort and unity - just like Meak would have loved. I think that's all the redemption you need in a script like this - Meak is a simple guy and nothing would make him happier.

The rest of it? It's just a very well woven tale; it's well crafted, and it's well paced. It has echoes of your (sorry, can't recall the title) 'Tranny' script, but is just put together so much better.

I loved some of the subtleties in this and the way the tale worked - it was all under the 'cloud' of Meak's death - you knew what was going to happen, in the end, so early on, and yet it was still so readable.

And the story changes - Billy running to greet his father after us thinking he'd ignored him, were very nicely done.

I didn't get that Billy was a loser at all - the football scene put paid to that - he was a fighter according to that scene. And sending the money makes him savvy.

Meak, for me, had echoes of Forest Gump, but I think you wanted to play him more as an idiot savant: "I found employment working with numbers. I liked that. You knew what was right, what was wrong."

Really good stuff, Bill - hats off.

Hey Simon

many thanks for the read and very useful feedback.

I have drafted a longer version for entry into a competition and your notes and have been most useful. Good timing.

Fundamentally i cant cant decide whether yo go with a bleak ending or a revised, slightly upbeat version, as i have just written. Hey ho, thats the challenge of writing i suppose!

thanks again

Hey Bill,

I was delighted to jump in and give this a read, just sorry I’m so late to the party.

It’s a depressing one, that’s for sure but you should be commended with how much power and emotion you’ve delivered in 6 pages.

I liked how you turned the story on its head and revealed that Billy was very much in his father’s court but I felt the ending could have portrayed this better to give the tale a more uplifting resolution.  

It’s maybe just too bleak at the moment, don’t get me wrong, it’s exceptionally well told and I thought the voice over’s worked a treat but I wanted a happy ending for Meak, even if it was going to be after his death.

I did like Meak (great name btw, reference to “meek” no doubt) though. A simple person, ignorant to the world at times yet happy and loves everything and everyone in his life. Just a well-rounded character to be honest.

Not much to add really, it’s a great story and I think you’ve done a great job. If I had a complaint and it would be a small one, it would be that the ending lacked something uplifting. You did such a good job with Meak, making him pretty pathetic that you can’t but help wish there was some good news at the end. He died but his son will not follow his path – you can be more than adequate!

Overall though, this is some fine work – excellent job my friend. :)

Steve

Het Steve,

Sorry I haven't replied before but I'm in France for the week and their wifi is like the French character - on paper its fine, but it has a touch of arogance, likes to be unreliable and generally thinks you owe it a favour. Love the place really.(note - the fucker has disconnected me three times in this post!)

Many thanks for the read - boy I must owe you some reads now. Anything I can help with?

Following feedback I realised that whilst I liked the script, to go further it needed a touch of warmth. I am glad to say this has been installed, along with a major re write and I thrown it into Page to see what happens.

A friend gave me a harsh review of the re write, just before I entered, which hopefully helped. Time will tell.

In no way whatsoever was this "corny", IMO.    Top notch, first class, well-crafted, more like.  I agree the ending is a real downer.  Would be better with a happy ending - message.   Looking forward to the new draft.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer ,Sorry I haven't replied before but I'm in France for the week and their wifi is like the French character - on paper its fine, but it has a touch of arogance, likes to be unreliable and generally thinks you owe it a favour. Love the place really.(note - the fucker has disconnected me three times in this post!)

;D ;D ;D

Good luck at Page, Bill. :)

Quoted from M.Alexander In no way whatsoever was this "corny", IMO.    Top notch, first class, well-crafted, more like.  I agree the ending is a real downer.  Would be better with a happy ending - message.   Looking forward to the new draft.

Thanks Michael for the read and positive comments,  sorry for the late reply.

I am pleased with the revised draft, now with shiny new uplifting ending, but for now i"ll keep this draft up here and leave the other one in Page - see what happens.

all the best