Shovel by Mark Lyons (rc1107) - Short - A young boy shovels almost all of the drives in his neighborhood.  But why isn't anybody home? 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Damn, Mark, another great effort by you here.  Very melancholy but in a weird sense quite uplifting at the same time.  It's a great story of forgiveness and letting go.  I read through this twice and try as I may, could not find anything to quibble about from a writing standpoint, so good for you there.  I like that he bypassed Marianne's house the first time around and then came back later--nice touch there, especially with Marianne watching him out the window.

I guess one would ask how realistic is it that Raymond Dre would extend his kindness to her that quickly, but I was able to easily overlook that because the rest of the story worked so well.  Now if you could just get a big snowstorm up there so you can run and film this thing!  Excellent work here!

This was a fine effort, Mark. It was merose, but the message was heartfelt. Wish there were more forgiving people in the world nowadays, I just know that's not reality.

Seems like this world just sits around waiting for someone to say or do something stupid so they can all jump on a bandwagon and crucify them and whomever associated with them. Good stuff. Nothing to add this time. :-)

James

Hey Mark, nice story you got here. The writing was good as usual. And I really liked your protagonist, Raymond Dre. He was an easy kid to root for.

The story itself was very somber - the tone felt drab and gray to me at times, but that may have been due to the setting and the voice over. The snow covered driveways, an empty neighborhood, nobody home -- it's just Raymond Dre, alone and sad. But he shovels. And shovels some more.

I liked the fact that he wasn't completely forgiving right away - he doesn't shovel Marianne's driveway right away. But after getting all that money, he eventually does and even gives her some money to get by for a little bit.

I really felt for her character as well and her son even though they make a very brief appearance. It wasn't her or her son's fault what happened to his brother, yet they carry this guilt. And that guilt is alleviated by Raymond Dre's willingness to help them.

I couldn't really find anything wrong with the story. The voice over was well written, but it is a bit long I suppose. And when you reveal that it was her drunk husband who had killed his brother, it's done in a chunk of voice-over dialogue at the end, which felt a little bit forced.

Overall, good work.

Hey Gary.

I appreciate the compliments!  I'm glad you liked it.

Actually, a snowstorm would be the least of my problems here in Ohio.  (At least in winter anyway.)  I have to get a decent camera up here first.  :-)

You do bring up a good point about a production negative, though, and having to shoot this in certain weather.  I knew it was going to be a problem from the beginning and tried writing a summer version, but 'Mow' just didn't have the same power and atmosphere I was going for.  :-)

Thanks again for taking a look, Gary!

- Mark

Hey James.

Finally!  I finally wrote a story you didn't have a great idea that I should've thought of in the first place to make it better!

:-)  You actually had me look up merose to see what it meant.  Then I realized you meant morose, and I still had to look it up because I still wasn't exactly sure what it meant.  :-)

Thanks for the read James.  I'm glad you liked it.

- Mark

Hey Michael.

Long time no talk!

Thanks for taking a read and letting know your thoughts.  It's much appreciated.

Quoted from spesh The voice over was well written, but it is a bit long I suppose.

Yeah, I feared this might get the 'too much voiceover' tag.  I actually wrote this about 4 years ago as a prose short story.  I never turned it into a script because I knew I'd have to resort to voiceover as a device to tell the story.  There's just not a better way to get inside a character's head so quick, especially when he's alone for the first half of the script.

I never wrote it before because the whole story would have to be a voiceover, but finally, I found a way to tell it with only that beginning intro V.O. and was able to work in some character dialogue without it coming off as what I think of as too expositional.

I agree with you on those last lines of the story, though.  I've played with it and played with it quite a few times and just can't think of the PERFECT words to end this one.  I like it the way it is now, but I know it's missing something.

Thanks again for taking a read, Michael.  Glad you liked it.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey James. :-)  You actually had me look up merose to see what it meant.  Then I realized you meant morose, and I still had to look it up because I still wasn't exactly sure what it meant.  :-)

Tis why I have several editors for my screenplays. I know what I mean, but nobody else does...

James

Hey Mark,

Fantastic story you have written, Raymond is a little champ.

Michael

I read this one earlier when it was first posted.

I didn't have much to say... still don't.

Just that it sends a very important message... forgiveness goes a long way.

Hey Tricky and Reaper.

Thanks very much for taking a look and letting me know you guys liked it.

And I'm very happy to hear people say that the message is coming across.  No better compliment than that for a writer.  :-)

- Mark

  

Mark,

I like how you worked the story around Raymond shoveling (or not shoveling) the driveways -- solid visual storytelling.

It’s minor, but I did think Raymond’s dialogue on p.8 (regarding the drunk driver) stood out from what was otherwise some nicely handled dialogue.  That said, it's tricky getting all that backstory across to the audience in such a short space and for the most part this is seamless.

Heartfelt and well told.

Steve.

Hey Mark,

Returning the read. As a side note, before I started I noticed the genre's not specified which intrigues me.

Quick preface. My review may give you the impression like I'm splitting hairs but honestly I think its far from it. My entire intent is to help you with your writing. So I'm giving you my gut reaction to things I think just don't make the writing great. And I'm hoping that you as a writer would like to produce great writing.

Okay, notes and concluding thoughts are below:

"My mom and dad weren't arguing
about the money,"

Why "the" money? What specific money is he talking about here?

"My dad said we'd be fine, but it
sounded like he didn't know if he
was lying or not."

"we'd be fine" connotes lack of money?

"And then it started snowing."

I don't get the logical step between this and the previous line of dialogue.

"At least nobody was home. I didn't
have to work around any of the
rusted cars or beaten pick-ups...
They were all at church...
I suppose I should've been there,
too, but I was helping a lot more
by shoveling."

My gut feeling is that there's something wrong in the way you arranged this. As I'm reading, the first sentence confused me. So I had to stop and think. The second one makes the first make sense, okay. "They were all at church" I'm assuming he means the neighbors. And "helping" means financially, I guess. I really feel like you should be more explicit with this and not do the whole beating around the bush thing so much. Because to me it feels like this is a conscious effort you're making to do that. I keep questioning my own criticism on this point, that it might resort to taste, but no, I don't think that's it. I think that great writing is clear and you don't have to beat around the bush. Now, if you want to allude to something, that's a whole different story.

I know you don't mention Raymond's ethnicity but for some reason unknown to me I imagined him black. Just thought I'd tell you.

"Besides, I had already mourned.
I didn't have any tears left.
At least not right now."

Again, it's unclear what the first sentence means. The question "why" pops into my head. So for the second and third.

You do the same with the next line of dialogue.

"Why do funerals and caskets have to
cost so much anyways? Funerals
aren't like weddings. You don't
hire photographers to help you
remember them. And the casket just
gets buried anyway."

This was good.

"He walks up on the porch, leaves the shovel outside, and
kicks the snow off his boots."

I think you can find a more visual word than "kicks" in this case. Stomps. Heels.

Actually the more I think about it, you can remove this line altogether. It does nothing to further the story.

Next scene: "INT. CORNELL HOUSE - LATER" I find unnecessary.

"They each give Raymond a hug, and Valencia gives him a kiss
on the cheek."

I got a bit confused here. Did he stand up or sit up, and are they kneeling down and giving him a hug or not?

"They sit down on the couch and all three stare at their
reflections in the blank television screen."

This is just very strange. Also, if "they" refers to all three of them, I'm letting you know its inconsistent with the previous "They."

"Finally, a loud knock at the door jars them and Reginald
answers it."

It probably be better to indicate he stands up and goes to answer it. It's not like he's answering the phone.

"Reginald steps back to allow Gustafson in. He looks at
Raymond Dre still laying on the floor."

Okay, so I'm still somewhat confused as to how they hugged him. Also, I don't think laying is the right word to use here. (And it would be lying by the way). Resting is a bit more general, true, but I think its better because then you avoid confusion.

"Raymond stirs up and politely walks over to Gustafson."

I've never read "stirs up" before. I'm guessing you mean stands up or rises. And I think politely is unnecessary.

"Gustafson puts the bill in Raymond's hands for him."

"for him" sounds odd.

"Raymond Dre looks at his dad for permission."

"for permission" is something you'd write in prose so I would get rid of it.

"It's going to be hard living here."

Why does he say this?

The last line of dialogue was good with Raymond's caring personality. I like that you made him somewhat unbiased. I don't know why the other family needed money, but it's an unimportant detail anyway, I can run without it.



I have mixed feelings about this script. On one hand I think Raymond is an interesting character. He feels slightly underdeveloped in the beginning of the script, but I got a better sense of him later on. On the other hand I am turned off by the way you had him say something that I have no idea what it means and then a few lines later you sort of explained it. I don't know what else to say about his parents except that they're kind of strange and very quiet.

Okay, so if I had to pick a favorite part of the script I'd say it was the neighbors making their way to the house. I wish you hadn't said "several" though. I would have liked to see almost like a herd or something, in which case you may have a bigger effect on Raymond's portrayal as a character. Kid's got a big heart.

Just my thoughts.

Best,

-J.S.

Hey Steve.

Thank you very much for the compliments, and thank you for checking this one out.

Yeah, I admit the dialogue you're referring to on Page 8 wasn't sitting well with a few people who have read this.  And reading it more and more, I'm starting not to like it myself, either.  I'll certainly have another look at it before this goes into production.

Thanks again, Steve.  I'm glad you liked it.

Do you have anything posted on SS that you'd like to take a look at?  If so, let me know and I'll give it a read.

- Mark

Hey James, (J.S.)

Thank very much for taking a read and letting me know your thoughts and the detailed notes.

Quoted from J.S. Why "the" money? What specific money is he talking about here?

The money it costs just to bury a loved one.  I set this up in a poverty-stricken neighborhood.  A ghetto, pretty much.  (And yeah, you're right, Raymond Dre and his family are black.)

The families in these neighborhoods just don't have the thousands of dollars it takes to bury someone, and often, their loved ones sit on ice for a month or so until the state finally chips in to help bury or cremate them.

I don't come right out and say it right away, it's only alluded to.  I didn't want to be too expositional and come right out and say they can't exactly afford the funeral.  I wanted to take a little bit of time with the set up and atmosphere.

Quoted from J.S. "And then it started snowing." I don't get the logical step between this and the previous line of dialogue.

When it snows in the hood, everyone gets their shovel and goes knocking at doors, trying to make some extra money.  Again, I didn't come right out and say that, but why would I?  It's evident enough that Raymond's using the snowstorm as a way to make money.

Quoted from J.S. "He walks up on the porch, leaves the shovel outside, and kicks the snow off his boots."

That whole part there, Raymond Dre going inside and getting the glass of water and getting his brother's basketball, is to set up the lonely atmosphere Raymond has to live with now.  Life without his brother.

I agree it is a bit bland, but I wanted to set up a very somber atmosphere.

Quoted from J.S. "They sit down on the couch and all three stare at their reflections in the blank television screen." This is just very strange.

:-)  I actually love that visual, and I've used it quite frequently before when my characters are in an extreme states of sadness.  Strange, yes.  But it also touches me in a way I can't explain.

Quoted from J.S. Also, I don't think laying is the right word to use here. (And it would be lying by the way)

I'm not taking the blame for that one!  That one is my 'editor' Libby's fault!  She knows she's my go-to person for lay and lie.  She pointed out two or three other lays and lies and never mentioned that one.  She'll be receiving a very pointed e-mail from me tonight.

:-)  Actually Libby is LC from the Simply Script boards.  She had a look at this.  She might have mentioned that one to me and I had just missed it in my final rewrite.  I'll admit I don't even pay attention, nor really care about lay or lie, (as it doesn't effect they way I read it), but I do change it when people bring it up.  I probably just missed that one from her notes.

Quoted from J.S. On the other hand I am turned off by the way you had him say something that I have no idea what it means and then a few lines later you sort of explained it.

I can understand where you're coming from there.  I guess sometimes when I see a film, I like to not understand everything in the beginning, and I love to see how it all comes together.  I guess I work that into my writing, too.

And thank you very much for all your suggestions and your thoughts.  When I give this one a final 'go' before any production starts on it, I will be visiting it again and decide what to do to make it fire on 'all' cylinders.

Thanks again, James.

- Mark

Hello Mark,

A nice (if nice is the right word!) little tale you have here. I liked the premise and the visuals. The cold, heaped up snow and scraping sound of metal on concrete all reflected nicely what was going on internally in Raymond's head.

I was waiting for some warm visually at the end to hint at the redemption process.

I did have to reread the last bit to understand who the driver was. Maybe the connection between the bend over stop sign and the rusted beat up pick truck should be a little stronger at the start to reinforce that link.

This reminded me of Seamus Heaney poem, Mid Term Break.

Overall, good job.

Eoin

Hello Mark,  :)
Okay, couldn't resist responding to this one.

Quoted from Mark 'lay not lie' Lyons I'm not taking the blame for that one!  That one is my 'editor' Libby's fault!  She knows she's my go-to person for lay and lie.  She pointed out two or three other lays and lies and never mentioned that one.  She'll be receiving a very pointed e-mail from me tonight.

Now, this is just typical 'passing the buck' behaviour here!   :D

I've been watching the 'Shovel' thread and obviously I was/am darn curious re the general consensus of feedback and Mark, I've gotta say I'm quite surprised at the amount of similarities in J.S.'s feedback...to that of mine, I mean.

Quoted from Mark I can understand where you're coming from there.  I guess sometimes when I see a film, I like to not understand everything in the beginning, and I love to see how it all comes together.  I guess I work that into my writing, too.

Mark, excellent point. The puzzle is often half the fun.

Re: 'Shovel' in general, I like not completely understanding some things (the way you've written them, I mean) in this story especially relating to different environment/cultural exchanges etc. and as you know there were certain phrases (as J.S. points out) that had me a little flumoxed that I still think could do with a little re-wording but others, I acknowledge are just that, cultural differences and part of the 'hood'.  

That said, however, I still think that one of the aims of the writer is to affect their audience overall, and so if there ends up being a consensus (not established in feedback yet, 'two' opinions is hardly overwhelming) that some things are a little unclear, then I reckon you might want to think about a slight re-jig.

I did think about posting up my original feedback but seeing as this is a later draft I didn't want to go over old territory that you may or may not have changed. And, obviously mine is just another opinion and you as the writer, naturally have the last word - it's your baby, after all.

But, bearing in mind this:

Quoted from Mark ... When I give this one a final 'go' before any production starts on it, I will be visiting it again and decide what to do to make it fire on 'all' cylinders.

I can't resist restating my opinion on two points:

...and that is re the 'big reveal' at the end. 'The pickup's wrecked' and 'the husband being away' lines say it all! And the Bradley bit is - beautiful! but spelling out the 'drunk blonde man' - imo, noooooooooooooooooooo!

I'd suggest you stop at, 'where my brother got hit' if you've got to, but to go beyond that is hitting your audience over the head with a sledgehammer with what went down, and without this you make the story so much more stylish and enigmatic -- even if some nongs just don't get it. Alternately, use a visual to get this message across.

On that point above, I hope you get more reads and more feedback in response to this particular part of 'Shovel' amongst other things - cause I could be wrong... and really want to know what others think.

And lastly, I still think the final voice-over needs a little tweaking, which kind of goes without saying I suppose cause you've acknowledged it's not quite there, as well... but you'll get it.

It's great stuff Mark. Simple, but emotive and poignant, and in the right hands could be beautifully filmed 'short'. I just wanna know what others think about that spelled out ending.

Love your joke in the previous response about 'mowed' btw. Very funny! And, no it doesn't have the same ring to it.

Hope all this makes sense - tis a little late at night here.

P.S. Just noticed - Eoin got it!

Hey Mark,

I'm glad that I can be of help. I think you brought up a lot of enlightening information so I'd like to touch on that.

Quoted from rc1107 The money it costs just to bury a loved one.  I set this up in a poverty-stricken neighborhood.  A ghetto, pretty much.  (And yeah, you're right, Raymond Dre and his family are black.)

It never crossed my mind that that's why he said money because you didn't really allude to it. Here's where I think the problem is.

I don't write knowing where the story is taking me. But I used to. That way I can't really write in stuff that could be confusing. I take it one step at a time and work my way through it all the way to the end and I'm just as surprised where it takes me as the audience would be. So I'm taking that same ride the audience is taking. I don't write in a premeditated fashion, plotting a kind of puzzle as Libby put it, because I believe the result is so different, from the audience's perspective that is.

I understand there are certain things you want to suppress from the audience, I can sympathize. Allow for some deeper thought. But I don't see how I could have understood that's why they needed money and I'm not sure who else was able to pick up on that.

In a story like "Hills Like White Elephants" the entire story is underneath the surface. But in that story, Hemingway is using 'every trick in the book' to allude to the real theme at hand. He focuses on a very simple idea and spends the entire story alluding to that single idea building us up. Sure, even in that story I would be confused in the beginning. But he is able to blend what appears to be a regular argument into something much deeper, every rising moment the characters talk. So you shift from thinking it was this over here to being that over there. That I like, and I don't have a problem with. I can't do that because I think its hard to pull off. That's just me :)

Back to why the money. Maybe you think the audience didn't have to know that. I think you would be mistaken. The money is your character's goal. That can known from the script. The burial is your story's inciting incident. That cannot be known from the script. We don't know why he needs the money. It could be because of anything. And because your story has already begun, I think your voice over serves as Act I while what's happening on screen is Act II, you're better off telling us. Enough on that point :)

Quoted from rc1107 I don't come right out and say it right away, it's only alluded to.  I didn't want to be too expositional and come right out and say they can't exactly afford the funeral.  I wanted to take a little bit of time with the set up and atmosphere.

As I said above, I don't get the sense of you alluding to it. I also think its dangerous to have key story elements given to us in an opaque manner. There are certain things you can hide and reveal at a later time. But something like the inciting incident should be written in.

Quoted from rc1107 [quote=J.S.] "And then it started snowing." I don't get the logical step between this and the previous line of dialogue. [quote] When it snows in the hood, everyone gets their shovel and goes knocking at doors, trying to make some extra money.  Again, I didn't come right out and say that, but why would I?  It's evident enough that Raymond's using the snowstorm as a way to make money.

My point was that I only got very vague information from the too lines before (something about not arguing about money and dad saying it was going to be okay) and so I don't see how what your character said makes sense when he says "and then it started snowing." I don't see the connection. Again, I do now because I know the whole story. But because you've left key thing out, it was difficult for me to see it.

Quoted from rc1107 That whole part there, Raymond Dre going inside and getting the glass of water and getting his brother's basketball, is to set up the lonely atmosphere Raymond has to live with now.  Life without his brother.

Again, that's not what I got out of it. I think it would be a stretch for the audience to have known that. And if you're audience is not going to get it, you're better off without it. Everything is written for the audience. That's my rule. :)

Quoted from rc1107 I agree it is a bit bland, but I wanted to set up a very somber atmosphere.

I can give you this one, partly, because it wouldn't take much time on screen so it's not like I'll be losing my attention or anything. I get that you want to stretch the depressing undertone over into this shot so I'll say its okay. I still think it does nothing for the story and I believe story and atmosphere should go together, but there are exceptions. And because its part of the mood of your story, I can run with it in there.

Quoted from rc1107 :-)  I actually love that visual, and I've used it quite frequently before when my characters are in an extreme states of sadness.  Strange, yes.  But it also touches me in a way I can't explain.

I thought it was kinda funny. First thought that popped into my head was No Country for Old Men. Second thought was, "why?" (Not why would this be a possible allusion to that, why would you do this). Like I mentioned above, if you can work it into the story it can be 10x more effective than just sitting there on its own. It's like the music stops, you crash a cymbal, and the music picks up again.

Quoted from rc1107 I can understand where you're coming from there.  I guess sometimes when I see a film, I like to not understand everything in the beginning, and I love to see how it all comes together.  I guess I work that into my writing, too.

I have no issue with you doing that as long as you are able to do it well. Edgar Allan Poe does that with some of his stories but honestly, it takes real skill to be that calculating. And I'm afraid not everyone can hone that skill well. I know I can't. Because you always need someone else to read the story and then you have to ask them if they got all the key elements. I agree it's always fun to read a story the second time around and find more and more clues that lead to what happens later on, "Casque of Amontillado", but the basic elements should be there the first time to yield a satisfying read/watch.

Quoted from rc1107 And thank you very much for all your suggestions and your thoughts.  When I give this one a final 'go' before any production starts on it, I will be visiting it again and decide what to do to make it fire on 'all' cylinders.

Let me know if I can be of any further help.

Take Care Mark,

-J.S.

P.S.

I forgot to mention some things Libby brought up.

Quoted from LC ...and that is re the 'big reveal' at the end. 'The pickup's wrecked' and 'the husband being away' lines say it all! And the Bradley bit is - beautiful! but spelling out the 'drunk blonde man' - imo, noooooooooooooooooooo! I'd suggest you stop at, 'where my brother got hit' if you've got to, but to go beyond that is hitting your audience over the head with a sledgehammer with what went down, and without this you make the story so much more stylish and enigmatic -- even if some nongs just don't get it. Alternately, use a visual to get this message across.

I agree with Libby. You set up the smashed pick-up. Now all you have to do is say the pick-up smashed into the stop sign and you've connected the two ideas. You don't need to go any further than that.

Quoted from LC And lastly, I still think the final voice-over needs a little tweaking, which kind of goes without saying I suppose cause you've acknowledged it's not quite there, as well... but you'll get it.

I agree. Honestly I would remove it altogether once you do the "final reveal." It's anti-climactic.

I enjoyed this short very much.  It had an ending I wasn't expecting but was very happy to read.  The only thing that would prevent someone from shooting this is the amount of snow you would need.

Very good job.


Phil

Yo Mark

Another fine  piece of writing from you.

It was refreshing to see a 12 year old depicted as having a heart and being so forgiving, rather than an attitude and fuck the world.

The script flowed very easily except this at the end :

RAYMOND DRE (V.O.)
I wonder if a day will ever come
when I can leave Lanterman Road and
not think about the spot where my
brother got hit by the drunk blonde
man in the pick-up truck.

This was hard to read.... I suggest more action less dialogue.

Maybe:

Flowers are now piled around the base of the pole and a
memorial plaque reads 'Randall'.

Raymond glances up at the Hickson house. From a window, Marianne watches on , tears stream from her face.

Raymond Dre lays the basketball down in with the flowers and
stands back up.

Raymond
Goodbye brother.

Just an example of where we can figure out what's happening without the chunky dialogue.

Anyways, still an awesome piece from you, you captured a lot of emotion just from a kid shoveling.

Mark

On another note :

Quoted from Eoin This reminded me of Seamus Heaney poem, Mid Term Break.

It's good to see a hometown hero get a mention... we went to the same school only 20 years apart and of course, one of us is a world famous writer and poet and the other is Seamus Heaney :D

Hey Eoin.

Thank you very much.  I appreciate the read.

I've heard of Seamus Heaney, but I'd never read any of his stuff before.  I looked up 'Mid Term Break'.  I liked it.  A lot.  I'm not a big fan of poetry, but I'll be looking up some more of his stuff.  Thanks for the heads up on him.

About that last bit:  Yeah, I agree.  Something has to be done with it.  I've had trouble wondering how to end it since the beginning.

On the bright side, I got all summer to think of something to fix it up.  :-)

Thanks again, Eoin.

- Mark

Hey again Mark,

Thought I'd try this short out since some of the other shorts you've posted lately haven't really been up my alley... but I really enjoyed this and it was written real nice.

I actually posted a short to Don, that hopefully is up soon, that uses similar style of V.O -- so it was cool to see you doing that too.

Overall, I thought the story was good.  Like Mark said above, I really really like your main characters, and loved his V.O.  He was so heartwarming and he felt like just... a poor but lovely kid.  I liked the emotion of the entire story.

I have no fresh feedback for you.  Everyone has already covered everything.  The only thing I didn't really like was our main guy's name, but I'm picky like that so disragard anything I say in the future about loving/hating/loathing names, haha.

But, yes, back to the short.  It was pithy, which was what I liked.  No dull spots, just all very endearing and emotional.  You really are a drama man, you nail it.

Good luck with this. :)

-- Curt

Hey Libby.

:-)  I was hoping you'd get a kick out of the 'editor' comment if you saw it.

You know I've worked and reworked on the last dialogue/monologue/speech/whatever you want to call it, and I just can't find anything to end on that I like.  (And to yours and James' credit, some directors I've been in talks with feel the same way too.)

I know that 'drunk blonde guy' reference kind of kills the uplifting spirit of Raymond Dre, but at the same time, I wanted him to display some anger or emotion at the person who IS at fault.  I really wanted to note that Raymond doesn't hold the family at fault, just the man who did it.  (Which I think is important to note in society also.)  You know a lot of my writing deals with forgiveness and redemption, but in this scenario, I wanted to bring to light that the guilty's family carries the burden, also.

But, it does spell out what exactly happened and does come off as expositional.  I do understand what you guys are talking about.  I wasn't arguing that case at all.  I just felt that line was an easy way that Raymond Dre still feels a strong disregard towards the exact person who's at fault.

Luckily, I got all Summer to think about that part before it goes into production!

:-)  Thanks again, Libby.  As usual, you are awesome.

- Mark

Hey James.

Thanks for sticking around on the thread and responding again.  I'm sorry it's taken so long to get back to this.

Quoted from J.S. I don't see how I could have understood that's why they needed money and I'm not sure who else was able to pick up on that.

I see where you're coming from now, and that does come down to me knowing what was so prevalent in the short story, and I didn't work that into the script-version as clearly as I should've.


I agree with you and Libby, (I've also noted in my response to Libby that quite a few others have also, :-)    But I've rewrote that ending dialogue over and over and haven't come up with anything satisfactory (to me).  I'll be taking a step back from it for a little while as other projects have come up, (though it'll always be on my mind), and tackle the idea fresh in a couple months or so.

Thanks again, James, for your deep thoughts into this.  I'm looking forward to seeing new things from you, hopefully very soon.  Is the 'Texas' script the only script posted on SS from you?

- Mark

Hey Phil.

Glad I finally found one that you enjoyed.  :-)

Quoted from dogglebe The only thing that would prevent someone from shooting this is the amount of snow you would need.

I knew I should've saved my 'Mow' joke for you.  :-)

And it is going to be tough to get around, especially because you might need the whole neighborhood, (or a good stretch of houses), to cooperate.

The secret to this one'll probably be an excessively strong pre-production and have a good local group ready, so when it hits...

Thank you very much for the read, Phil.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

No problem. I like being as helpful and as honest about my feedback as I humanly can be.

Quoted from rc1107 I agree with you and Libby, (I've also noted in my response to Libby that quite a few others have also, :-)    But I've rewrote that ending dialogue over and over and haven't come up with anything satisfactory (to me).  I'll be taking a step back from it for a little while as other projects have come up, (though it'll always be on my mind), and tackle the idea fresh in a couple months or so.

One of the things you mentioned in your reply to Libby was that you wanted to Raymond display some kind of indignation at the drunk man. I personally don't prefer you do that. Only because you've built a great singular feeling about him, you wouldn't want to end in a slightly different feeling, especially if you want that feeling to come through and be understood by the audience. Stick to one feeling would be my advice.

Also, I'm sure you could work in the "blond drunk man" in there somewhere but not at the end necessarily because I get a sense of alcohol being the problem. I do think you can do your "big reveal" as a connection between the two ideas, the stop sign and smashed truck, and put something about the man being drunk somewhere earlier on, possibly when you talk about the truck that way the idea isn't too separated from the truck and seem unimportant.

I do have another script posted on here, but like I mentioned before I wouldn't bother reading it. It's very much "out there" and I don't think you'd enjoy it. But if you want to take a gander, be my guest. Just know I warned you haha :) It's called Farwell. There's no story in it, so I'll save you the agony of looking for one :)

I'm trying to finish up a feature script, a sort of Polanski-like Horror/Thriller script, and I'd like to have the folks here take a gander at the second draft before I go major surgery and polishing.

-J.S.

Hey Simon, whom I used to call Mark.

:-)

Thanks for taking a look at this.  I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you, but my days have been busy and I've only been able to get on at night.

Yeah, something's got to be done about that last monologue.  You might be right just taking the whole thing out and replacing it with some good imagery.

I'll be thinking on it over the months.

Quoted from Irish Eyes It's good to see a hometown hero get a mention... we went to the same school only 20 years apart and of course, one of us is a world famous writer and poet and the other is Seamus Heaney

That made me laugh.  I needed a good laugh today.

Thanks again for taking a look and letting me know your thoughts, Mark.  I'm glad you liked it and found the emotion in it.

- Mark, who is Mark

Hey Curt.

Just saw your short got posted the other day.  I have it in my queue and I'll be checking it out soon.

I always liked Raymond Dre's name!  It's not standard, though.  I went back and forth calling him Raymond and Raymond Dre just to show that, thanks to his brother's death, his childhood is pretty much over now, and he's forced to become an adult a lot earlier than he thought he would.

Anyway, thank you very much for the compliments.  I love writing drama.  I've always gravitated toward it one way or another.  You've been doing pretty good in drama from the two that I've read so far.

I'll be checking out your story soon.

- Mark

Cool, and no problem man.  I'd suggest taking a look at my latest one "Need" which was posted recently and not "A Perfect Day" since I think I have more than enough information on that one to give it a fulfilling rewrite. :)

But it's in your line-up, so I appreciate it.  A read from you is always nice.

-- Curt

Hey Peter


I just looked through your feedback "MOW" ;D;D

I'm gonna write that :D:D

Thanks for the inspiration.

Simon

I hate snow.

But I liked this script a lot.

I read it several days ago but I'm just now getting to post a couple of thoughts.

For those that don't live where it snows, sure it looks nice when it's coming down and seems quaint maybe. But after it's around for awhile it's just a pain. Your car is constantly grimey, your shoes can get nasty and everyone drives 15 miles per hour slower.

At first I thought Raymond doesn't sound much like a 12 year-old. Soon, though, it's apparent that he's not a typical 12 year-old. There were times when I thought, however, that some of his dialogue and V/O was a little on-the-nose...it sort of depends how it's delivered maybe.

That's the only issue...and I'm not even sure about that.

I loved the story and where it goes. This should be filmed...even if it involved a road trip to Saskatoon.

Did I mention that I really hate snow?

Hi mate... a nice heart-warming story. Reminds me of my number 3 son, very very compassionate and kind. Believes that if you love other people they will love you back. He thought of that on his own aged 5, by the way.

I don't think it needs much if anything to be taken up by a producer. Little things can be ironed out in pre-production.

Nice job.

Hey Mark

With the unlikely expectation I can add anything new I haven't read the other comments.

Good to hear your back/leg, whatever it is, is improving and you are able to write in the meantime.

As we go...

Thats a name and a half - hope I haven't missed anything? Curious you then use Dre in the character rather than his christain name alone.
Actually the first dialogue slightly through me - does it need the early age?
Reginald and Raymond did start getting mixed up, actually this got worse the more I read it.
Finished.

Wise boy, if only we were like that.

Decent, uplifting tale, despite the sadness. Effective use of the shovelling and the use of generosity and forgiveness.

Its quite contained, it has the potential to be filmed. Well done.

Personally, I would drop some of his VO let the actions speak more. I feel it would be stronger for more viewer discovery, interpretation.

All the best.

Hey Ed.

Snow's awesome!  On Christmas.  It sucks every other day, though.

Anyway, thanks for taking the read.  I'm glad you liked it.

I figured this would catch some slack for the 12 year-old speaking so mature, and it has.  (Not just from SS members, either.)  And I really can't argue because I'm (somewhat of) an adult and did write the dialogue and I do agree to a point, but I do want to go on record and say I'm going to stand up for kids now-a-days.  I don't think people give them a lot of credit.  Sure, of course there are (several) cases of immature kids, but I'm going to have to say the majority of children that age are a lot brighter and have feelings about issues that they aren't given credit for.

But you are right though about some of it being on the nose  -  It's all in how it's going to be delivered.  But the good news is, while everybody's sitting around waiting for a snowstorm, there'll be a lot of time for rehearsal.  :-)

Thanks again for checking this one out again, Ed.  The playoffs are winding down.  I didn't think I'd see Memphis still in it.  (Though I didn't think I'd see Westbrook go down, either.  I think that goes to show how important of a piece he is to the team.)

- Mark

Hey Dustin.

Thanks for checking it out.  Glad you liked it.

Quoted from Dustin Reminds me of my number 3 son, very very compassionate and kind. Believes that if you love other people they will love you back. He thought of that on his own aged 5, by the way.

Sounds like my kind of dude.  I didn't exactly base Raymond Dre on her, but my daughter has developed those kind of traits.  (She's even given speeches at anti-fracking rallies, and she's only ten.  And I didn't even help her write them, either!)  She gets something in her heart and there's no getting in her way.

Thanks again for the read, Dustin.  I'm sorry I haven't really had the time to check out any features.  The idea behind 'Adm and Eiv' (forgive me if that's not the proper spelling) caught my attention.  I'm not big on sci-fi, but I'm interested and I do plan on checking that one out as soon as I get the chance.

- Mark

I'm with a lot of other people on here that your portrayal of Raymond is refreshing and great to see.

Had you mentioned Memphis before 2pm Sunday I would have said that I'm picking them to get to the Finals. Then San Antonio took them apart. I'm afraid that remaining teams that aren't called Miami are playing for second place, though.

Hey Mark,

Very powerful and moving. I loved seeing Raymond Dre come full circle and not only forgive the family who was responsible with his brother's death but give them money he earned shoveling everybodies driveway. Awesome job man. Great story. Nicely written. You paint one hell of a picture.

Best of luck with future projects.

- Dirk

Hey Bill.

Thanks for checking it out and responding.

And my back's improving.  I get more X-rays Thursday to make sure it's healing straight.

Re:  Raymond Dre.  Yeah, I refer to him both as Raymond Dre and Raymond in the script to show that he is at a stage in his life where he's forced to mature.  Raymond Dre is a name that a kid would love, that Dre adding a cool appeal.  Then he's in the process of dropping it as he's growing up.

:-)  Sorry about all the R-names.  I see that a lot in families, (where everybody's name starts with the same letter), so I work it into my stories sometimes.

Yeah, I'll probably drop some more of the Voiceover over the next couple months.

Thanks for checking it out again, Bill, and thanks for your thoughts.

- Mark

Mark,
Strange little tale you got here.  I liked it alot.  I've always liked the angle of one person.  Alone.  Doing something that needed to be done.  Castaway comes to mind.  Can definitely relate to that loner aspect.  Raymond Dre is grieving.  But why is he shoveling?  Not for the money, we know that.  Maybe to clear his mind a little?  Maybe.  I'm not sure even he knows why he's doing this other than it just seems like it needs to be done.   Like he's on some kind of auto pilot.
Anyway, good read.
Regards,
Steve

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Dustin. Thanks for checking it out.  Glad you liked it. Sounds like my kind of dude.  I didn't exactly base Raymond Dre on her, but my daughter has developed those kind of traits.  (She's even given speeches at anti-fracking rallies, and she's only ten.  And I didn't even help her write them, either!)  She gets something in her heart and there's no getting in her way. Thanks again for the read, Dustin.  I'm sorry I haven't really had the time to check out any features.  The idea behind 'Adm and Eiv' (forgive me if that's not the proper spelling) caught my attention.  I'm not big on sci-fi, but I'm interested and I do plan on checking that one out as soon as I get the chance. - Mark

No worries. I enjoy reading, so you don't owe me anything. It's not a sci-fi true to the genre. It is actually set in the past, so is more of a historical sci-fi. Also it's not sci-fi as in computers etc, it is all biotechnology.

It's the most difficult thing I've ever attempted to write in my life. If you ever do get a couple of hours free, it is a fast read, I'd appreciate any pointers you can give on that. I think it's at the stage where it needs a proper story analyst to look at it, because it is such a high concept.

Hey Dirk!

I appreciate the compliments.  Thanks for checking this one out.  I'm glad you found it powerful and the images came across clear.

I hope to be reading something else from you, as well.

- Mark

Here I was, hoping for a nice happy tale... Guess that's what I get for picking up a Mark Lyons script ;D

As always, I am in absolute awe by your writing ability, Mark. Whenever I pick up one of your screenplays, I am usually always surprised at how emotional your stories are, yet so simple. This one, for example, has such a simple plot, which has probably been done before (I'm no expert) but you can still write in such a way that really gets us emotionally invested. Honestly, I don't know how you do it.

I think the only issue with this for me, came with the voiceovers. I love voiceovers, but I think when you contrast the voiceovers to the Raymond Dre that we hear out of the VOs, we almost hear a completely different person. For example Raymond Dre in the voiceovers doesn't sound like your regular twelve year-old boy, which is fine, some kids tend to be more mature. However, when he communicates with other characters, he sounds twelve. Perhaps it's just my point of view, but it would be cool to have some sort of consistency.

Other then that, some brilliant work, as usual. Inspiring stuff!

Dan

Hey up, Mark.

You've got a few reads already so I'll keep it short and sweet...excellent stuff.  Very moving and beautifully written, as always.

If I had to pick a negative point it would be having to read Raymond Dre over and over rather than just Raymond.  And that's it, not really a negative I know.

Good stuff, Mark.

Hey Dan.

Once again, thanks for the wonderful compliments.

Hmm.  Interesting point you brought up about Raymond's voiceovers and his actual dialogue.  I'm going to have to examine that closer.  (I've been working on so many different things these past weeks, the exact dialogue for this one has slipped my mind.)  But I appreciate you brought that to my attention.  I'll be tackling a rewrite of this in fall when production time closes in, so your comment'll certainly come in handy.

Again, I appreciate it, Dan.  Hope everything's been going well with you.

- Mark

Hey Anthony.

I like short and sweet.  :-)  It means I didn't mess up the writing too bad.

I know what you mean about the Raymond/Raymond Dre thing.  It was tedious to write, also, but it felt important to his character for some reason, like how children love their nicknames and such.  It's hard to explain, but I think it did add something to his character in its own way.

I appreciate the read, Anthony.

- Mark

Hey StevnClark.

Sorry I missed your comment when you first posted it.  I don't know how I missed it.

Yeah, he is doing it to clear his mind.  He just couldn't take the funeral and how every single person that passed by kept saying 'If there's anything I can do'.  And, he found a way to kill two birds with one stone because he also wants to make some money to help out the funeral.  He knows things with his family are tight and they could use the extra help.

Plus, the best part is, with everybody in the neighborhood at the funeral, there's no competition.  Raymond Dre can do every driveway!

Anyway, thanks for checking this out, Steven.  I'm glad you liked it.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

How you going mate? Always happy to check out your work.

I enjoyed this one overall. A tale of forgiveness and compassion, the fact that it's the brother and innocent child who is the one to stand up and show empathy to the family of the man who killed his brother was a nice touch.

The moment between Raymond and Marianne was the highlight here for me... I really felt sorry for Marianne and Bradley in what was just a short appearance so great job.

I felt the opening voice overs were a little confusing and clunky as worded:

"(I've) learned at a very early age to hate money." should this be just "I learned at a very..." Same with the next passage.

"it wasn't making them any less sad, either." This was awkward to me but I think you were trying to make the dialogue a little childish as in the way Raymond talks.

In saying that, I do think the voice overs worked on the whole for this story although I would question one towards the end where he tells us about the drunken blond man - think you'd already done a great job of getting this message across with the bent post, wrecked pick-up comment and Bradley getting taunted at school. I think the image of the basketball on the snow beside the flowers would be powerful enough visual to end this story on without the voice-over.

The writings good as usual but you need to keep an eye out for lay when it should be lie - no big deal really. Also, the action kept changing from Raymond Dre to Raymond, not sure if this was intentional but I always think it’s best to be consistent with this especially with a character name like Reginald added into the mix. Could cause some confusion.

I did have one question, this line:

"Marianne, the white woman"

Didn't really feel relevant to me, wondered if you meant (blonde) woman? Otherwise, not sure why her skin colour mattered and it stuck out to me.

Anyway, good job with this one. I really liked it. :)

Steve