Element by Brett Bentman - Thriller - A man becomes addicted to hypnosis with terrifying results. 94 pages - pdf, format 8)

Bloody hell! I can't believe this hasn't had a read - I've just read it through now (pretty much in one sitting) and this is a great piece of work. It has all the elements that producers (particularly those on a budget like) - simple settings, limited characters and a driven plot - with an engaging 'protagonist'.

The writing here, particularly the action, is what I'd go for myself if I were after a screenplay. Although some may say it is a little overwritten and contains 'fragment sentences' I'm inclined to disagree. There's a great sense of punch and pace with this, and the whole hypnotism aspect of it seems to be well researched.

There are a few grammatical errors and mistakes, but nothing a quick look-through can't solve.

- SPOILERS -

The Doctor could have done with a name? Maybe a description? He turned out to be a pivotal character so may have helped bring him out more.

As for Anna, perhaps some may see it as a tad 'contrived' that she just happens to be hypnotist. Also I got the impression that North wasn't the most attractive guy so was surprised she approached him how she did - but then again maybe that's what she was looking for.

The Messenger was good. However, I got a tad confused toward the end (more me being stupid as opposed to your writing) - but were the people at the table North's family? I take it they died - hence his sudden decline?

This reminded me of Limitless in some places, not sure why though. Protagonist of Limitless is more likeable than North Maxfield. Great name by the way.


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All in all, this is worth a read - is the author about at all? Honestly surprised that no one else has had a read - or at least posted about it.

I recommend and I'd love to see some other views.

On the Goose's recommendation, I gave this a look, and I'm sorry to say that a look is all it's gong to be getting from me.

6 pages of nothing but a dialogue exchange between 2 peeps?  That's how we start off?  Really?  Not for me, Brett, sorry.

The dialogue itself is so out there and unengaging that it just makes this all so unrealistic, IMO.

Other issues that jump out at me immediately and send up red flags waving in the breeze - no title page - never a good sign, IMO.  Very odd transition to begin the script, using "we hear".  Personally, I don't like the action/description writing.  I despise the we this and that's, as well as the asides and unfilmables.

Different strokes, different folks.  Not for me in any way.  Will be interested to hear what others think.

best of luck to you, Brett.

I was intrigued by the mixed reviews so I cracked this one open and read the first 20. Unfortunately, this one wasn't for me.

As already mentioned, your opening scene is too long and not even that interesting. I kept going, but it was just more of the same. You can talk about the most interesting theories in the world. You can have hypnosis sequences, deep questions, anything... but it doesn't matter if the character's aren't engaging.

We don't know a whole lot about North. He's proper, works a normal job and is into hypnosis. We know about his life, but I never really felt like I understood his personality, what made him tick. He wasn't relatable.

On top of that, you need some drama. There's barely any conflict. And I'm already 20 pages in and North is still just going through his normal life. There's some cool hypnosis stuff, but what about character goals? He's into hypnosis, but why should we care?

Typo, page 12: "You know what I mean. You're number?" should be "Your number?"

As for the technical aspects, I found the writing pretty solid for the most part. I didn't pay much attention to stuff like that, so I guess that's a good thing. My advice, work on making your characters more interesting. Give them goals, add some conflict.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh. This isn't bad at all, just not as engaging as it could be. Good luck...

Will

Maybe so, but those who are looking into the trade are going to look for such scripts as Chinatown as examples of great screenwriting - and of course if Towne is going to use unfilmmables and the like there then writers are going to incorporate that into their work.

However I do agree with you on the fact that senior writers have a lot of leeway. I was called in to do some voiceover work recently, and the script had been put together by a chap who had worked for the BBC for 20+ years, and the format went something like this

character name:
one
word
per
line

Most difficult to read.

I actually really enjoyed the exchange between the two, it actually builds North's character quite well for what follows.

Maybe a rewrite or so could be beneficial, but I promise you that when you get further into it you do realise a lot more about North Maxfield.

Quoted from the goose Maybe so, but those who are looking into the trade are going to look for such scripts as Chinatown as examples of great screenwriting - and of course if Towne is going to use unfilmmables and the like there then writers are going to incorporate that into their work.

Not sure how to say this other than what I said earlier - Chinatown is a 40 year old script.  There wasn't even screenwriting software (for the most part) back then.  The world has changed.

Speaking about unfilmables only, I do understand why some like them, but we also have to understand that they do 2 things you don't want to do in a script - they take the reader out of the "read" and make it clear, it is a read, as opposed to a visual journey.  Secondly, they're line wasters, and usually completely unnecessary.  Used by those who don't know what they're doing, they're irritating as all fuck, as they really can make the reader feel like the writer thinks they're an idiot.

Quoted from the goose ...but I promise you that when you get further into it you do realise a lot more about North Maxfield.

Maybe so, but the point is that a script by an unknown writer needs to get the reader's attention right out of the gate, or at least within the first 5 pages.  Starting of with 2 talking heads for 6 plus minutes ain't ever gonna fly...unless what they're saying somehow strikes the reader.

According to the last feedback, this continues for another 15 pages.

This is a fud, and it fuds badly. The only way it work is if it's a pitch ... and as far as I can see it ain't.

Looks like the author's elsewhere, so I'll not bother too much, but it's all this focus on the subconscious, and if you're not into that , there's a big 'why bother?'.

Page 6 sums it up nicely for me ...

     KELLY
I asked you what you do for fun,
like a hobby. I didn’t ask about
shaping perceptions of reality, the
unconscious mind or whatever other
bullshit you just forced me to sit
through.

... latter line emphasis, if you will.