Tooth for a Tooth by Michael Joseph Kospiah (spesh2k) - Short, Horror - A father tries to convince his 10 year old daughter that the tooth fairy isn't real. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Michael,

So, this was a good short.  Very quick read.  Everything was formatted correctly and I never once had to read over anything.  Read like a breeze, so well done.  The writing was short and pithy, and I gain that maybe that was your intention given the story.

I do, however, think you could have cut it down, slightly.  Maybe have the father in bed with Diane, flossing, his tooth bleeds, and then he rants.  Just a suggestion to even get this smaller.

This, though, isn't horror.  It wasn't until, maybe page six, that I began to feel a horror vibe.  You had a good few tense moments beyond that point, so well done.  This felt very much like dark humor, considering how much the father cared for his dentistry.  Not horror, in my opinion anyway.

I did, however, love the story.  It was great.  A nice little twist on a everyday tale we all know.

I have no other advice, really.  If you're going for horror, I'd suggest more tenseness and scares from the get-go.  It didn't really feel like it was building up to something until the sixth page.  Though I thought your writing was pithy, I did feel like the story did meander from the start, IMO.

However, if you're going for dark humor, you've hit the nail on the coffin.  I did find myself laughing slightly at some of the dialogue.

Also, random thought, I'm only just remembering -- why is the father such a douche?  He came off as a dick, telling his daughter that the Tooth Fairy isn't real is one thing, but Santa?!  The poor girl!  I'd suggest, maybe, have the father break it gently to his daughter, maybe?  It would make your main guy that little bit more likable.

Anyways, I enjoyed this overall.  Quick read.  Nice pay-off.  Good luck with this.

-- Curt

Hey Curt,

Thanks for checking this out, you always seem to offer good, valuable input. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'm not big into all out horror, but I do tend to write a lot of dark humor. I'm a big Hitchcock fan in the sense that the horror is in the anticipation of something happening - the unknown.

It may seem like it meanders a bit, but I like the slow burn, even in a short film (see Nash Edgerton's Bear or Spider short films).

I try not to waste anything though. Even when he's talking about flossing and how he's probably going to have nightmares about losing his teeth, it's a bit of foreshadowing.

And I guess the reason I made him a dick is because I knew all ready how I wanted to end the story, and I sort of wanted to make him "deserve" it in a way. Besides, if I had a nickel for every time I thought my Dad was a dick, I'd have a lot of nickels.

I didn't really want to make him likable, as I don't think it's as important to like a main character in a short as it is in a feature because we have to spend more time with him. I didn't want to make him to be TOO unlikable (his daughter IS 12 years old, which IMO is too old to believe in stuff like that - and she is waking him up in the night hours for seemingly nonsense).

Thanks again for the read Curt, it's appreciated.

-- Michael

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey This, though, isn't horror.  It wasn't until, maybe page six, that I began to feel a horror vibe.

I disagree.

Page 1 - "Now I'm gonna have nightmares about my teeth falling out."
A simple line foreshadowing things to come?

Page 3-
The shadow at the end of the bed that creeps Larry out.
Amanda's reactions and dialogue about the "angry" tooth fairy.


I thought this was good.  Writing was quick, clean, to the point.
I loved the ending and this reminded me a lot of a Stephen King-ish type
of short story from his days of Night Shift and the like.

Thanks for the read and comments, reaper550. I'm a fan of subtlety, so naturally, I like to write that way. I believe the real horror is in the build up. I enjoy the in-your-face stuff a lot in horror films, but it's more fun than scary to me. I tried to find a happy medium here with the fun and the scares, though I was thinking of rewriting the ending with a few minor changes.

This thing is cluttered with horror cliché's... cheap,  gimmicky scare tactics... almost to the point of boredom.

- A shadow stands at the foot of the bed, but it's only Amanda.
- Larry marches over to the closet, blah, blah, slowly turns the knob.
- Larry flinches startled (really), whips his head around.  Amanda stands behind him, ect...

Larry came off as a Nimrod - maybe that's what you intended.   Needless to say the ending was predictable.  

The writing was decent. It was a quick read, so congrats.

When it comes to horror, it's always nice to see a refreshing alternative... but this isn't it.

Ghostie

Hey Ghostie, sorry you didn't like the script, but hey, thanks for giving it a go.

I can't say I disagree with anything you said. Yeah, it's cheap, gimmicky and cliche. I suppose I wrote it in the spirit of all the "scary" stuff I use to watch when I was a kid. And when I revisit those same shows/movies I use to watch as a kid, one part of me rolls my eyes. Another part of me has fun with it.

And yeah, the dad Larry was a nimrod, and yes it was intended that way. I suppose that's another cliche in the script (there's always the dad or parent that tells the kid that the bogey man isn't real).

I do have a rewrite and the ending is quite different. There actually isn't a tooth fairy. It's the daughter who puts the chisel and the hammer to Larry's teeth. I think having the daughter as a delusional psychopath would explain her upbringing a bit (her father is a douchebag and her mother perhaps nurtures her imagination a little too much).

Anyway, thanks for the input, ghostie, at least you thought the writing was decent (I failed to catch the redundancy in Larry "flinches startled", so thanks for bringing that up). Much appreciated.

-- Michael

The rewrite will be up soon hopefully (the ending is different, but the same). But all of the good old cliches ghostie described are still there :) I try to make it seem more self aware of its cliches without winking at the viewer at all.

Until then, since this is my thread, I figure I'll do some shameless self promotion:

The official teaser trailer for the recently produced Australian indie film I wrote "The Suicide Theory" -- release date unknown at this point (in the later stages of post production).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEBcsdGRvRo

The Suicide Theory: A tortured artist pays a professional killer to assist him in suicide, but for some reason, miraculously survives each attempt on his life.

Directed by Dru Brown. Starring Steve Mouzakis (I Frankenstein, Where the Wild Things Are) and Leon Cain (Terra Nova, The Straits).

And like the facebook page!https://www.facebook.com/TheSuicideTheoryFilm?fref=ts

Also, I have a feature Morphine up on the drama page here, if you want to give it a glance. Still working on rewrites with that, but the next draft won't be up for a while (if at all).

I like the first transition from VO to normal, that's a nice little touch I'll have to remember to steal for myself one day, should a similar opportunity arise.

As for the rest of the story... well it plays very well to the genre. A fairy tale horror story. Written well. Not going to win any prizes for originality... but it is what it is. It was a nice read.


I like the look of The Suicide Theory... I also like Australian Film so I'll keep an eye out for that one.

Hey Dustin,

Thanks for checking this out. Yeah, I suppose originality wasn't the thought here, more of a homage to the genre that used to scare me when I was a kid. I look back at some of the stuff I read/watched as a child and roll my eyes at times, but I also have fun, so hopefully people have fun reading this.

As for The Suicide Theory, thanks buddy, I'm also a big fan of Australian cinema. One of my favorite films of all time is Animal Kingdom. There's also a nifty little film called The Square directed by Nash Edgerton (yeah, Joel's brother) not mention a slew of indie horror films.

The revised version of "Tooth for a Tooth" is now up - different ending. Tell me what you think :)

Hey Michael,

I originally liked your first ending with the tooth fairy using the chisel and hammer against Larry's jaw at the end instead of Amanda now as your ending but regardless it was still a good story. Nicely written.

I started thinking about the script as I was trying to sleep last night and I would love to see more of the tooth fairy teaming up with Amanda. I got a vision of Amanda playing with finger paints and Larry mentioning to his wife about how he caught her hand printing the walls before he put her to bed. And how he doesn't want to put a dollar under her pillow because he's mad at her but he ends up doing it anyways. When Amanda comes into the room saying that the tooth fairy is upset because he took the tooth, Larry enters Amanda's room and sees that she has more hand prints along the walls. Larry of course gets mad but Amanda explains that the tooth fairy told her to do it. Amanda opens the closet door and shows Larry that the tooth fairy was hiding in there. No sign of the tooth fairy but there's the painted hand prints of the tooth fairy throughtout the inside of the closet. Bigger hands than Amanda (naturally) and maybe it has only three fingers. Larry would be scared for sure but maybe a part of him feels that Amanda is screwing with him so he yells at her and orders her to get to bed. He tucks her in and tells her not to paint the walls anymore. She tries to tell him that again it was the tooth fairy. Now it would be creepy if Amanda pointed up to her handprints along with the tooth fairy's hand prints scattered about on the ceiling above. That would freak out Larry for sure. Maybe Larry stays and sleeps with Amanda in her bed . While in bed, Larry tries to sleep and finally does but is awaken when he hears Amanda talking and giggling in the corner of the room. More handprints along the walls. He tries to speak but he can't. Amanda turns to face Larry (looks crazy) and tells her dad that the tooth fairy left him money. Larry, confused, looks under the pillow. A 20 dollar bill. Why is it there? The tooth fairy pops out of the closet and holds a clear jar in hand. In the jar is all of Larry's teeth. Kind of creepy to me.

Sorry for the long drawn out story. Again it was something that popped into my head lastnight. Either way I enjoyed your story and hope to read Morphine later this week.

Take care and best of luck on future projects.

- Dirk

Hey Dirk,

Thanks for checking this out, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I liked your suggestions. Before I wrote this, when I was in the planning stages, I originally had the Larry character obsessed with teeth after he finds blood in his saliva. I also had a random thought that Larry finds a hundred dollar bill under her pillow when he goes to take the tooth - he takes the bill to his wife and blames her, though she claims to not have put it there.

I also had a weird idea that the tooth fairy wants Amanda to lose all of her teeth (more money for adult teeth perhaps?)

Due to Larry's obsession, he doesn't want Amanda to eat sweets quite as much, but he keeps finding hard candy in her room.

Then that whole idea sort of drifted away... I wanted to keep it under 10 pages and keep it basic.

But nice suggestions, man, I'll definitely look into what else I can do here.

If you have anything you'd like me to read, let me know, I'll return the favor.

Thanks Dirk,

-- Michael

I'm with DV44 on this one.  I think I like the original ending better with the goofy smile, one toothed, bug-eyed tooth fairy holding the chisel and ball peen.

Still, good stuff.   8)

Michael,

Just wanted to acknowledge that I gave this a read.  Not gonna overthink it.  I didn't much care for the ending, but everything leading up to that kept me entertained   I like your writing style.   Also, looking forward to seeing the end result of The Suicide Theory.  

All the best.

Michael,

I like some of your original suggestions. Especially having Amanda lose all of her teeth. That would add for a nice twist.

No worries about reading something of mine at this time. I'm in the finishing stages of my first feature and hope to submit it in a week or two. If you're interested I'll PM you when it's on SS.

- Dirk

Michael-

Enjoyed the new ending. As a father, I didn't appreciate Larry's attitude, and was rooting against him throughout!

Dialogue was a little on the nose in a couple spots (volleyball explanation, and "What are you doing awake" probably unnecessary).

Again, enjoyed the payoff.

Rich

Quoted from Guest I'm with DV44 on this one.  I think I like the original ending better with the goofy smile, one toothed, bug-eyed tooth fairy holding the chisel and ball peen. Still, good stuff.   8)

I liked both endings, but I thought the most recent was a little more thought provoking... and the script was written with a 10-12 year old actress in mind, so I wanted to give her a little more to work with by expanding her arc just a little bit.

Quoted from Bogey Michael- Enjoyed the new ending. As a father, I didn't appreciate Larry's attitude, and was rooting against him throughout! Dialogue was a little on the nose in a couple spots (volleyball explanation, and "What are you doing awake" probably unnecessary). Again, enjoyed the payoff. Rich

Thanks for pointing out the "on the nose" bits. I read it out loud (as I do with all of my dialogue) and it sounded good, but I suppose there's a way to be less obvious.

Glad you enjoyed it Rich!

-- Michael

Quoted from M.Alexander Michael, Just wanted to acknowledge that I gave this a read.  Not gonna overthink it.  I didn't much care for the ending, but everything leading up to that kept me entertained   I like your writing style.   Also, looking forward to seeing the end result of The Suicide Theory.   All the best.

Thanks for the read, dude, appreciate it. Yeah, it's probably not best to over think a story like this. Thought about extending the ending a bit and trying to add more of a surprise here.

I am also looking forward to seeing the end result of The Suicide Theory :) So far, pretty awesome stuff. The director's previous feature film picked up distribution so I'm confident this one will, too. Submitting it to a few big festivals (crossing my fingers with Sundance - that won't be for a while though).

Thanks again!

-- Michael

I liked the new ending, but the original is better.

I like that we actually meet the Tooth Fairy, maybe in the future, you can find a way to incorporate both Amanda and the Tooth Fairy in the ending. :)

-- Curt

Michael,

Checked out both versions of this. Not sure which I prefer.  The second is certainly more twisted, but I’m not sure I could buy into it as much.  Personally I’d like to see the Tooth Fairy take all Amanda’s teeth to teach Larry a lesson -- play on the father’s guilt for not believing his kid.
  
The writing’s solid and the story, while not exactly pushing boundaries, is well executed and suitably creepy. All in all I did like the idea of playing with the tooth fairy ‘rules.’

Not sure about the ‘santa claus’ line.  That stood out as being a little too harsh, think Larry’s enough of a hard-ass without it.

I liked the innocence of Amanda’s line about the Tooth Fairy being in her room ‘...and he’s angry.’ Tells us all we need to know...

Steve.

Thanks for reading, Steve. Yeah, I probably should take the Santa Claus part out, but I kind of wanted the father (Larry) to be the villain here in a way.

It's written from Larry's point of view, but in the way I wrote it, it's almost as if the daughter Amanda is telling the story.

I think the second leaves more open in a way -- we never really see the tooth fairy (plus, production wise, it would cut down on the budget, no make up needed for the tooth fairy's appearance).

The first version is closer to the fairy tale horror stories I use to hear/see when I was a kid.

Thanks again Steve!

This script is being produced by some New York Film Academy students in LA (why don't they call it LA Film Academy?)

I had two other shorts that were recently on here that are also being produced -- The Dead Guy in the Trunk starts filming soon in Melbourne, Australia and my short Two Wrongs was picked up by a producer from Alberta, Canada.

Thanks to everybody who read those scripts and commented... your suggestions helped big time in getting these scripts in tip-top condition, ready for production!

(had to pull the other two scripts, but as far as I know, I'm allowed to keep Tooth for a Tooth on the page)

-- Michael

Michael

So both the daughter and the father had tooth problems on the same day? Curious coincidence that. Why write that in? Was the opening scene of Larry examining his bleeding gums merely a foreshadow of what was to come? A precursor?

LARRY
It’s for her own good. Besides,
aren’t you tired of spending all
that money on Christmas gifts and
having some make-believe fat guy
with a beard get all the credit?

- Ha, loved this line.

I liked the set-up and gradual heightening of creepy goings on but once the idea was revealed (i.e. the Tooth Fairy is real and wants his tooth back) I anticipated and feared that it would build to a climax of possibly catching a glimpse of the mythological molar monger (and perhaps a confrontation) before dramatically cutting to black…

Unfortunately, this is exactly what happened.

It reminded me of a few scripts on here, namely “The Well” and more recently “Hiccups” where it had an intriguing premise that mines all the tension and suspense it can get out of speculating an unknown presence before ending things right when we’re about to meet it.

Slightly frustrating but I totally get why it’s done. “Alien” and “Jaws” did that withholding of antagonist device very well too.

All that aside, this was still an enjoyable read. I got a kick out of Larry’s annoyance at the whole situation and loved the final shot, suitably shocking, great visual.

Col.

Hey Michael,

I was slightly disappointed by this one but admittedly not for very good reason. I read the logline and immediately knew what to expect and what I got was more or less that. Maybe not the hammer or the look of the tooth fairy but everything else was basically what I pictured. Reading along, I was hoping the payoff might be something different but no such luck. So, in that sense, I thought this was kinda by the numbers. I've read this same script many, many times.

That said, there's nothing wrong with that per se. I mean, it was written well with an effective buildup and payoff. I doubt you intended this to be anything groundbreaking and people seem to like it so what do I know?

I might go back and remove the DARK OMINOUS SHADOW at the end and just have Amanda point at nothing though. I was sort of hoping it'd turn out that Amanda was schizophrenic or something. Removing the shadow could leave things more open to interpretation, which would be cool. Dark ominous shadows have been done.

Hey Col, thanks for reading. Yeah, the bleeding gums bit was foreshadowing, more of an omen really... teeth have some kind of mythological history, especially when it comes to foreshadowing, especially in dreams (In some cultures, losing a tooth in a dream has some kind of symbolic meaning, often times related to a death in the family, a bad omen).

In the original version, I actually reveal the tooth fairy's grotesque, goofy face. But I changed it to DARK OMINOUS SHADOW.

And James, thanks for reading as well. I thought about not showing any tooth fairy and kind of suggesting that Amanda was a schizoid, but I actually thought DARK OMINOUS SHADOW would leave things more open than revealing that Amanda was just a very disturbed child. With the ending I have, I thought it left things more open to interpretation because we don't show a tooth fairy, just a shadow. Could be some sick nut who developed a secret weird relationship w/ the girl, someone she turns to because her father isn't really the greatest Dad in the world.

Yeah, wasn't trying to break new ground here, just wanted to write a story like the ones I used to watch/read when I was a kid. No surprises or twists really. Some cliches sprinkled in there, too, but it was fun to write and I hope it was fun to read.

This script actually was picked up for production and begins principal photography late August/early September!

Also, I had a script called The Dead Guy in the Trunk posted here a few months back that actually just finished shooting and is wrapping up post!

Thanks again for checking this out guys, will keep you posted on both of those shorts...

-- Michael

Short horror is my favorite, and your logline and title serve as a good combo to draw me into this story before I have even begun.

Everything reads nice and smooth.  You have a good voice, and nothing rings false with the dialogue.  A little odd that Amanda refers to the tooth-fairy as a male, though.  I would go with a she.

This middle section, where Larry thinks he sees Amanda in bed, does not really do much to drive this story.  Unless I am missing the significance of this scene, I am not sure what it is bringing apart from additional length.

The ending is nice.  Not altogether unexpected, but nice.  I was a little disappointed the tooth fairy was never more than a shadow, which seems like a missed opportunity.  But that is just a personal preference.

For a tossed off suggestion, you might consider Larry awakening with young Amanda on his chest, pinning his arms with her knees.  That strikes me as somehow more threatening than an easily-dodged 10 year-old girl just kind of standing there, hammer in hand.

But there is nothing wrong with this piece as it stands, either.  Good, solid work, and a fun read, though perhaps the title reveals too much.

Hey Bert,

Thanks for checking this out. The original ending actually showed the tooth fairy standing behind Amanda, revealing its grotesque face, a tooth missing from its mouth. Changed it to leave it more open for interpretation I guess.

This is actually in pre production right now. It was supposed to be filmed in July, but the director bowed out. Fortunately, it got picked up by a Brit. There is a FB page, but it's kinda lame, so I'll post it once things get further into production.

Thanks Bert

-- Michael

Hey Michael,

Saw this was up, sorry I missed it before.

Like Col, it reminded me of Hiccup by Sham, in that an ordinary event is used as a vehicle for a dark tale. I liked the build up and your writing is good. I do like your use  of clipped sentences combined with longer ones as it allows a read to flow,  yet keeps momentum.

I suppose the challenge with normal scenarios is to add originality - everything suggests this will be about a painful loss of teeth. Could he be really precious over his perfect teeth, but actually they are implants (whatever the term is) to suggest a shallow character with a distain for reality and that the tooth fairy doesn't like that? A possible statement on vanity?

A couple of thoughts - maybe use amanda as more of a light/dark character - the before asleep Amanda not really believing in the fairy, the nighttime one full of terror. We could  then be left with is it her? if something else what has he done with her? which will prevail etc?

The mother could be a victim, rather than the father. Almost more painful to see his actions cause pain to others than himself, or the daughter self mutilating. Violent and psychologically powerful.

Anyway, because this is simple, easy to film, it is worth exploring the options.

Cheers

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Almost more painful to see his actions cause pain to others than himself, or the daughter self mutilating. Violent and psychologically powerful.

Ohh...I really like that.  A much sicker twist than what you've got.

Consider it.

Weird going back and reading comments on this from like 3 years ago, especially w/ The Suicide Theory comments (which had a theater release in the US and is now on Netflix).

This has been filmed and will be able to be seen soon.

Not one of my best, most original scripts concept-wise, but it reminds me of shit I used to see on "Tales from the Darkside" when I was a kid (which had the creepiest opening theme, even creepier than Twilight Zone). I decided to a let a film student film it (I was impressed by his reel).

Here's the poster. And I'm actually looking forward to this... haven't had anything produced since The Suicide Theory and The Dead Guy in the Trunk... it has a ton of cliches but fuck it, cliches, if handled correctly, can be very effective.

Great poster, looking forward to seeing it!

Excellent poster! Can't wait to see it, and congrats!

Alright, here's the short film in its entirety. Was actually impressed by the way it turned out, especially considering it was done by some college students with a VERY quick turnaround (I think it was finished like three weeks after they asked to shoot it).

https://vimeo.com/165592781

Very decent effort, especially on those timeframes... only nit-picky bit... long time since that kid was 10 ;-)

Not bad for three weeks. The framing could have been a little better but not bad at all.

@ Anthony -- Yeah, I thought the same. Was originally for a 10 year old girl, but a bunch of college kids could only get a 13 year old boy... they made changes to the script, thought they'd change the age of the kid to 12 at least... but still, a good effort.

After you have a feature come out (The Suicide Theory still available on Netflix BTW) you want keep coming out with quality material. And I feel that this effort didn't hurt me at all in terms of the trajectory of my career. I was pleasantly surprised by how well it came out.

I'm still waiting for UK Netflix to catch up!

I'm still waiting too... the only reason I keep Netflix is so that I don't have to buy DVDs for the kids anymore. I rarely watch anything on there myself.

Dude, I'll send anybody who wants to watch the movie a free link online. I wrote the movie as a spec in 2008, it finally got filmed in 2013 and came out in 2015. Not only did I not receive a dime (despite a theater release, albeit limited in the U.S. only, and a Netflix release, still available on Netflix) but I didn't even receive a copy of the film. I still don't own a copy of the film. PM me. For some reason, the film hasn't been able to find distribution outside of the U.S. (which I attribute to laziness and complacency). At this point, I just want people to see the movie, and people all over the world have been watching it and commenting on Twitter, and watching it illegally.

I'll watch it tonight if you pm me the link.

I wouldn't hold my breath in terms of getting paid though mate. The positives here are that you've had a film with a theatre release and it's something you're not ashamed to show people. All you can do, is use these positives in your pitches with other producers.

Quoted from spesh2k Not only did I not receive a dime (despite a theater release, albeit limited in the U.S. only, and a Netflix release, still available on Netflix) but I didn't even receive a copy of the film. I still don't own a copy of the film.

I can't say I've really got paid either. Other than the few films where I managed to get myself credited as producer. I got those because the filmmakers didn't really have any money to pay for the script, I agreed to get paid later as producer since they get paid first when money starts to trickle in. That only seems to work with filmmakers who operate with very little money though, so the writer has a little more leverage. For the first few years, I got a check every three months. Since then, I haven't received anything. And, just like you, I haven't got a copy of any of the films either. The copies I have, I had to buy digitally from Amazon or iTunes...  The more professional filmmakers, as far as how the writer is treated has actually been new filmmakers making my shorts.

I've also noticed something else lately. Something disturbing, IMO. Lots of these indie filmmakers with decent budgets that have distribution deals and make several films every year have become script hoarders. They option a bunch of scripts for a dollar taking those scripts off the market and getting the writer's hopes up. Then nothing happens with the script. In other words, for a dollar, the writer gives away the script and by the time you get the script back (a couple of years) the script is "old" and has little value.

I rewrote The Hit, but haven't really done any writing since then. I've been busy with my real life, and guess what? I've actually been a lot happier. I was happy before too, but feel even better now. I honestly feel, at least for me, that this screenwriting crap is like a bad rollercoaster ride. Lots of sharp ups and downs. I personally prefer level scenic rides.

As far as Tooth for a Tooth goes, I think they did a good job. :)

That was a well written script. Easy on the eyes and quite entertaining. I agree with another reader my only complaint or wait, what moment was the ending. But yeah that was good. I actually saw your "The Suicide Theory" banner and thought Netflix, so I went to watch. I actually chuckled at the guy in line. So, I hit pause and came back to read this. As expected still had that nice sense of humor. Now I can go back to watching "The Suicide Theory." Congrats on that by the way.



BLB