The Unexpected Visitor by Luis Garza - Short, Supernatural - John's past comes back to haunt him, when the ghost of a mad woman seeking for revenge comes to visit him. 5 pages - doc, format 8)

You set a nice tone, opening with Alice as you do, and the budget is kept within reach, so good there.

The final reveal falls a bit short for me, however.

• Get PDF and brush up on your formatting
  
• A good proof-reader would really help you
  
• I think Alice might be a little too young
  
• I would say to change the way Mary dies
  
• I would also change the painting to something more dramatic
  

Thank you! I'm glad you liked the story, and I appreciate you giving me opinions on what to change. As in for Alice, what age do you think would be more appropriate, 9? And I will be making the flashback more dramatic. I'm really glad you liked it.. I will read some of your work tomorrow.
- Luis : ;D

This short reads like one or two scenes from a bigger piece.  You jump into the story and then you jump out.  There was no character development and no suspense.

SPOILERS!!

Try stretching this story out.  Show Alice meeting her mother for the first time since her death.  Did their relationship change in this time?  How would John handle the concept that there's a ghost in the house?  Is it just a child's active imagination?  At what point does he realize that it's something else?

Hope this helps.


Phil

Thank you for your coments, I will try to make everything make better sense.
- Luis