The Catch by Benjamin Dahlerup - Short, Drama - A man at a dinnerparty gets interested in a young and innocent teenager. As the party progresses, and he gets drunker, the interest gets more and more intense. 19 pages - pdf, format 8)

You have a lot of typos and some formatting issues. The very first line doesn't make sense and that pretty much sets the tone for the rest.

"A party of people is surrounded by a big dinner table."

So the table is surrounding people? Or did you mean to say that the people are sitting around the table?

That's just the first line.

Typos aside, there really wasn't a story here. Also, he sure raped that girl fast if the other guests thought they were just going to grab a tray of desserts to serve.

You need to read your scripts aloud to yourself several times before posting a finished product. You'll soon find the typos and problems. "A" for effort but this did nothing for me.

Hey Benjamin, okay, so you need some work.  Going to just critique your first page, since I haven't seen you around,  don't think.

-- You need to start with a "FADE IN:" or an equivalent, not a slug.

-- First line is way off.  Change it to: A party of PEOPLE sit around a large table."

-- Wy did you caps Catherine when you introduced her but not Beatrice?  When a character is introduced for the first time you must CAPS their name.  

-- "3" seconds later should be "three" and why is it so specific?  Just say: "She enters the kitchen.  Moments later, she's back."

-- Action lines are typically THREE lines long, no more.  Try not go over board.

I'm sorry, I physically cannot force myself to go any further.  I suggest you jump in and read some screenplays and get the handle of the form some more.  It just cluttered and messy at the moment.  Anyways, good luck.

-- Curt

Pretty much agree with the comments made by Mehdoh and AmbitionIsKey as regards typos and formatting etc.

Only thing I'd add, is that the script lacked any real suspense. Most of the story focused on the dinner party. So when the attack happened on the very last page, I was left scratching my head wondering what the point of the story was.

That said, some of the dialogue felt quite natural.

Good luck and keep writing!

rolo

Hey Benjamin,
I think if you keep your log line in mind, the next draft will read a bit smoother. Maybe experiment with character relationships. Think of the story holistically what's the beginning, middle and end? What does your main character want? I really like the idea I think that it's a little raw in its current form.
Stefan

B-
Between the typos, the "ing"'s, the on the nose dialogue, and the failure of the rape to lend any real emotion to the story, I'm afraid it did nothing for me. Sorry to be harsh.

Hello all,

First of all I want to thank all of you for reading and commenting on my script.
And now for all of my weak disclaimers:
1. This script is kind of a test for me, to see what simplyscripts have to offer, in terms of activity and feedback. But I'm really overwhelmed with how much interest people seem to have in the scripts here.
2. The script was the very first short i wrote, a couple of years back. I was originally written in Danish, and then translated a couple of months ago, when a couple of guys wanted to make it, but with English dialogue. I then spend a couple of hours, doing a very direct translation of the script - hence the occasionally weird description.
3. I simply haven't spend that much time on this specific story, and it seems to show. From all of the feedback I got from you guys, I will definitely give this script a rewrite, and upload a new draft, that hopefully makes more sense.
@AmbitionIsKey thank you for the comments. From what I understand the beginning "FADE IN" is optional, is it not? I have written script where the story begins with audio only, or some other effects that calls for the "FADE IN" to be used. But otherwise I normally just skip it and go straight for the slug.
I will definitely try to look for the 3 lines of action at a time. However I enjoy focusing on the story, and cutting down on the actual dialogue, so I'm assuming that you mean 3 lines at a time, and not that you need dialogue for every 3 lines of action.
---
Thank you all again, and I hope I don't scare you all away with my first rough script. I do have some better stuff in store :)

- Benjamin

This script is very underdeveloped.  The characters are two dimensional and their dialog is very flat.


SPOILER SPACE

I don't understand Nick's homophobia.  It seemed like it was going to contribute to the story, somehow, but it didn't.

The attack in the kitchen meant absolutely nothing to me.  You introduce her at the dinner table, yet she speaks less than ten words the entire script.  We don't get to know her so what happens to her has no impact.

Read some scripts here.  They're a great learning experience.


Phil

I just made a new draft of The Catch.

I tried to take all of your comments into account, and also added some new details to the story.

I hope some of you would want to read the script again, to see the difference.

- Benjamin

Not too much story, here. The dialogue is on the nose and the protag got very dark and aggressive very quickly. Didn't really make me care for any of the characters so I wasn't given much reason to push on. It was a good try but for subsequent drafts, find a way to make us care for the protag or any character for that matter. Don't use your characters to restate what we can already assume. Examples) Pg. 1- Beatrice- "He should be here soon" Cathrine- ""Well, I guess we just have to wait a bit longer." and Andrew- "Did you wait long?" Beatrice- "Yes."

Have your characters say the opposite of how they feel while showing us their agitation.  Also, you seem to write unnecessary details in bold and lowercased. If you want a detail to pop out, you need to capitalize the word, like - She grabs the JAGGED KNIFE from under her bed. It's a good start, though.

Best,
Devin M. Rush

Thanks for the feedback.

This specific script has been changed so many times i sometimes fear it was better in the beginning. But I'm working on another script that will hopefully have a better story and better dialogue.

I can never figure out how to describe props in a script. Because several producers asked me to made the props bold and lowercase, but I see several script where the props are all uppercase.

However some say you should describe sound effects in uppercase as well. Stuff like that makes me a bit uncertain, about what is the right way. Especially when I see a lot of different styles of writing.

Hi Benjamin

I will try not to sound like a broken record and repeat what all the above commenters have already said. All i can say is I very much agree with a majority of the comments they made.

In regards to the story, you had me captivated, right until the ending, which made absolutely no sense. It's a very flat ending. Personally, I was hoping more of witty banter between Emily and Andrew, a relationship that could play out a little bit more if you were ever thinking of expanding on the story. This could make for great film, but the story is in need of some serious work.

I noticed you mentioned you have written a new draft, so that is something I will look forward to if you happen to post it on here again.

Keep at it, bud :)

-Silva Sly-

@Silva Sly

The revised draft is in the first post. As long as you've read the "third draft" You've read the newest version.

Thank you a lot for the feedback.

So after a couple om months, I´ve been trough the script, corrected a lot of mistakes, and added a lot more scenes, changed characters and added a lot to the plot. I would be happy to get any new feedback, as I am really pleased with this outcome.

Looking forward to hearing from you all.

Hi Benjamin,

You have had some great feedback on your script. Why not return the favour by reading and commenting on some scripts posted here?

Not only will this increase the likelihood that someone else reads your script (as SimplyScripts works on a 'quid-pro-quo' basis), but reading scripts written by others, and identifying what you liked and didn't like is a great way for learning how to write.