Vitamin M by Ashenafi  - Sci Fi, Fantasy, Romance - Sean and Megan continue where they left of: Sean, who is a writer, met Megan, a movie star, after he wrote a screenplay (Quantum Stardust). They had the times of their lives in “Romance and M Theory”... In Vitamin M, They continue to have fun; traveling around the world and making love every beautiful city they can think of it... while trying to figure out human nature, the value of soul and consciousness... and the secret of the universe... and making movies that shade light to the future and beyond... in this beautiful and romantic Love story (Second Draft). 142 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello Ashenafi.

First off your logline is a problem.  A protagonist and their goal is all we need.  Easier said than done but what you've got is a bunch of unnecessary references which some readers will not know about.  Take the ax to everything except that first sentence and rework it so that is sounds compelling.  Two people rekindling their love sounds boring.  Convince us that this story is unique and worth reading.

I also don't know what the PART 3 is about.  Is this a trilogy you've written?  Did you post the other two?  I'd like to hear from you about it but onto the story.

So a few problems to start.  You include "we" in your action lines which is completely unnecessary.  We see and hear everything you put in your action lines so all it does is get in the way of the flow of your story.  Cut them all out.

Camera angles I would advise against.  Leave it up to the crew to deal with unless it's absolutely critical.  It's just another thing that disrupts the flow IMO.

Stopped after page 2.  It was just cluttered with Sean ripping off the casino.  Kinda reminded me of the movie "Next" with Nic Cage.  I actually don't think you really need to describe each single card.  Having Sean hit on crazy hands such as nineteen is enough for me at least.  It'll clear up a lot of room to continue on with the story.

Good luck with your feature.

Johnny

Ashenafi's posted at least five features but hasn't showed up yet, as far as I know.

Unfortunately our feedback will be falling to deaf ears... so I suggest holding off on reviews until the author shows up.

I just want to say, damn, Ashenafi's a prolific writer.

Quoted from crookedowl Ashenafi's posted at least five features but hasn't showed up yet, as far as I know. Unfortunately our feedback will be falling to deaf ears... so I suggest holding off on reviews until the author shows up.

The crooked one has a point...

Quit bumping threads that don't offer any feedback from the writer.

There's a ton of writers here who participate that are willing to respond to your feedback.

Shawn.....><