The Cottage by Daniel Balcombe (dballs) - Horror - A group of friends go away for a Summer Vacation break to a remote Cottage, only to be confronted by an unimaginable evil. 84 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Daniel.

You've got your slug but you immediately but a "BLACK SCREEN" transition following.  Since there's no FADE IN at your start, we really can't tell that we're in a forest, even with the breaking twigs.  If this is the opening you're after, I think it should go along the lines of:

{

OVER BLACK

SOUNDS.

FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

}

Since there's no FADE IN to begin with, we're already at a black screen so you can start with sounds but since some people forget to add the FADE IN to begin with, it'll be a good idea to add the OVER BLACK just in case.

Stay away from the word "we" in your action lines.  "We" can see and hear everything in your action lines so it gets repetitive and a bit annoying.

Writing actively would also benefit the read as opposed to passive.  "Is running" could easily be converted to "runs".  Short, sweet and to the point.

Your opening passage is clunky and reads awkwardly.  We're dealing with a fast paced scene so IMO, your writing should reflect that urgency and sorry to say it doesn't.  We have the snapping twigs and rapid breathing from the OVER BLACK passage so I don't think it needs to be carried into your next passage.

The opening could even be a new location.  I would do it but that's just me.  Btw, "discarded, old bones" reads a bit funny to me.  "Scattered bones" or "remains" sounds a bit better to me but seeing as they're all over the place, it seems obvious that they're discarded.

It's also better to show her terrified as opposed to flat out state that she's terrified.  Wide eyes, quivering lips, streams of tears could do the trick.

Break it up and cut out the fat.  Taking out all those "is (action)ing" will definitely help with the length.

I'll stop there.  I don't recognize your user name.  If you're new, read and reply to a few scripts here on the site and you'll get some more help.  It's a give and take site so jump right in.

Good luck with your script.

Johnny

Hey, Dan. Clicked on your script because of the title, thought it might be a throwback to some classic slasher material. Seems like it's headed in that direction, but maybe a little too much with a scenario bit too predictable and characters a bit too cliche...the stoner, the slut, and the jock to name a few. Revisiting old tropes is fun to read when they're taken in a new direction or something completely unexpected (against the expectations garnered from similar material) pops up. But this story is too similar to quite a few from recent memory (a few which you also have the characters mention--a mistake to do that, IMO).

I would've read more than just a few pages but you need to clean up your writing as it is difficult to read. The many "we see" and "we hear" action lines got old fast--they're the easy way out. You could better put us in the scene without them--or at least without so many. Lots of typos, too, slowed the read. You have a habit of writing "his" instead of "he's" and you use "Ye" where I think you mean "Yeah." The initial dialogue exchanges had a lot of exclamation points, making it seem like everyone was screaming at each other, and the lines I think you intended for comedy didn't really work as comedy. There were other random typos like "add's up" and such; and you are missing some commas that would make certain sentences make more sense upon first reading them; as opposed to have the reader stop when he's confused, then backtrack to re-read the line and figure out what you intended to mean. Some of your action lines are way too long, and don't really convey the dread I think you want to convey. Shorter, snappier sentences, in shorter paragraphs will be easier on the eyes to read.

Hope some of this helps.

ETA
btw... excellent advice from the above poster on how to better open your script. It would definitely make your intro easier to follow.

Sup, Daniel?

You did some good here. I've read up to page 20, in hops of hearing from you before I continue. Because you tell rather than show in some of you're narrative/action it becomes a distraction to that good that you are doing. For instance, you get in and out of scenes rather quickly. And there's nothing wrong with what is transpiring in the narrative, it's just how it's presented. As some else mention, a lot of camera directions with the "we." Also, there's a lack of action verbs because your telling the story rather than show.

"We hear the sound of someone running, stepping on twigs, the
sound of branches breaking. We can hear the person is crying
and puffing."

"Running, twigs SNAPPING, branches BREAKING. CRYING."

--

"We come in on a unnamed girl running through a bush. We can
see her clothes are torn and bloody, she has cuts all over
her."

"A GIRL runs through a bush. Her clothes torn, she has cuts all over."

Like I mention, nothing wrong with what's happening, actually you're following the horror
structure with a scare in the beginning, letting the audience know, "hey this is a horror movie, if you didn't already know." So, just remember to put what you actually want on screen, what you see, hear & infer.

Above all, the actual story sounds promising. The characters come across well rounded; since, you've managed to get across some of there views, Jay's thought's on technology, or fears, John's frustration with his parents. So far, I'm at an OK, since, I've yet to finish; but, I've seen enough that I can continue reading with interests. Shout me a holla, if you're still interested in having someone giving input.


BLB

Read the 1st 8 pages of the script, sounds just like Cabin in the Woods motor home, stoner and all..I couldnt read more because I've already seen this movie...