Bee Boy by C - Short, Horror - Sometimes karma stings like a bee. - pdf, format 8)

Story - 8
Structure - 8
Meeting the challenge - 10

Dislikes - I didn't much care for the title "Bee Boy" the dialogue seemed unrealistic in a few spots, and it was a shame to (SPOILER) kill off Jospehine, but other than that it was an interesting tale.

I'd really like to know how you got that bee on your title page. 10 points for creaitivity on that part.

Bee writer,

I will start by saying I enjoyed the concept.  Your opening sequence was fresh, your words really wrapped me into the story.  I'm assuming the choice that the parents made to discard Benjamin was a final desicison for both, a selfish and twisted one, but one the deserved more disclosure. I'm not saying I didn't find it intriguing, because I did.  I just want to know more about it.

What I really couldn't embrace was the dialogue/interaction between Benjamin and Yarrow.  Yarrow's treatments were pretty cool, but I felt the dialogue wasn't the approach for the stakes.  I would've liked to see more of a conflict of what was really best for Benjamin, given her methods have a grave consequence.  I really thought Benjamin should have a choice in some sort of capacity.

Toward the end, I felt the pacing was too fast and it took away from the tension.  It really is a novel concept, great work!

Johnny

Definitely an interesting and unique idea here.  Pretty well written throughout.

You met the parameters of the challenge pretty well.  Although you definitely made this take place in the Pacific Northwest, something seemed to be missing from the locale being front and center for me - not sure what or why.

You did a good job with the central character being a child, being unique, and having alot of character.

2nd script in a row that obtained an R rating with no nudity and only 1 "fuck", as the violence and even theme were definitely what I consider to be R rated.

Dialogue was very good at times, and off a bit at others.

I don't like the title at all, for some reason.

I also didn't really like the structure here, as there was alot of wasted lines and even pages, where what you wrote didn't really say much or even mean much.

For me, I think you included alot of stuff that wasn't necessary and didn't help this shine, like it possibly could.

There are a number of small writing mistakes, but I realize it's an OWC, "coke" refers to cocaine.  "Coke" is the soft drink.  You used "we" a few times, and I don't really know why, as it rarely if ever helps.

I think this is definitely a good effort, but something about this just didn't work for me. I realize that we need to suspend belief in a tale like this, but there were just too many things I couldn't buy into to really get into this overall.

Nonetheless, it's a solid effort.  Good job!

As I go:

Hah, Ponderosa! Got that Pacific Northwest front and centre quick, eh :)

Great opening.

Is that what African Americans sound like?

Bee stings to cure leukemia is not homeopathy...? Homeopathy is the intake of inordinately high-priced water.

Thoughts:

Well the central gag of bee boy is good. I'm not sure how to really tie it to the rest of the story, though. Was it what Yarrow did that caused his state? Something about the boy himself? Something about the parents? I guess I just don't really know what this story was about. The parents' sin? Yarrow's misguided "cure" -- or was it misguided? An evil boy?

I was very confused by Josephine. Of all the black women I've known in Oregon and Washington, none of them sounded like characters from The Color Purple. I'm not saying that such women don't exist, just that I don't think they exist. Either way, the kindly old black nanny with no education but a heart of gold...pshaw, I say to that. Pshaw!

Other than wanting to go home near the end, Benjamin didn't make many choices. It wasn't clear to me to what extent he was controlling the bees and choosing to kill people. I think this was the major weakness here. What did Benjamin want, and how did he get it, or not?

Is there some sort of parallel between Josephine's belief in God to cure, and Yarrow's believe in nature? Not sure.

Am a little on the fence with this one.

Hugely imaginative concept!   Sry well written for the purpose of the story. Formatting good.

I reckon this could be trimmed a fair bit, perhaps some of the dialogue as suggested earlier. It might become more effective with just the vision of things, leaving a bit to our imaginations.

But the strong writing over rides any 'cliched' criticism of it, so, well done!

Hey d... doh! Wrong thread for naming the writer. 'pologies  ;D

Yeah, I liked this, and it worked for me, but I'm wondering if it achieves the high standards the writer sets for himself.

p.11: Josephine opens the frig
erm ... oops.

So I'm just going to jump in on where I think it fails -- and this is all to the back-drop of 'this is a really good piece of work'.

Antags - I'm wondering about their motivation - I get it, but it feels like it's unequal as the mother's grievance is referred to, but the father undertakes the action -- this leaves it a little unbalanced to me. Don't get me wrong - I think the whole picture works, but the mom's referenced, and the dad isn't and the dad's the more active participant.

Josephine and Yarrow -- I figure one of them, but not totally both of them - Heretic mentioned something about Josephine ... something doesn't quite figure. Who's Yarrow in your mind? Is she antag or character?

You write well, and there's a uniqueness about this that kept me hooked -- the ending doesn't satisfy ... p.10 - daddy stumbles backwards - this brings me back to the lack of investment in his character; if he'd have given more, early on, this would have more impact.

I don't like your montage use.

Yeah -- story line, story intent, I think they're all good, I'm not 100% on the technique, maybe ... good old motivation is why they belong there, and sometimes I felt your characters where there for the convenience of the story ... which de-compels them.

I enjoyed this -- skilled, but flawed. A good read.

What a strange title, sounds a little comedic.

And then the title page with the bee and that random quote... Seems like a very well thought out pisser, let's hope it isn't. Let's continue reading.

"He shakes his head ‘it’s going to be ok’." I don't see how shaking your head could mean this, and I'm 100% sure the writer knows this.

A few more strange writing "errors" as I read further.

Page 5 - Not sure if this is at night or in the morning. An easy slug fix.

Although the dialogue has a certain style and voice, it just sounds comical, I can't help but feel it was on purpose though. This line just does it for me "Why’re you tying me up? Please lady. Don’t leave me out here." Is this honestly the first thing he says? This kid has to be the most passive (and dumbest, sorry) character I've ever seen.

"Sweet Jesus! I’m so happy to see you! Come on in, Benjamin." I'm just going to leave that there...

"was ta keep the faith" That's... I have no words, I'll keep reading.

Finished.

I can't help but think this was a semi-serious attempt. The writing was good but the dialogue didn't work with me in any way. What makes it worse is that because you know this is from a good writer, you expect good things, but when we get this comical dialogue and out there concept, it takes you out of the read.

I still stay by my opinion and I'll go ahead and say it, I think this was a semi-pisstake, with the title page and all. A lot of good things happening, but many terrible ones. Will be interesting to see who the writer is. I'm not sure why it's getting raving reviews but I everybody has different opinions.

Grade C+

Here we go, and no peaking at the others.

Mama and Daddy - I wonder why. Often it would be mummy and daddy, or mama and papa?

The scene of being left in a wheelchair, alone in the wood, by his parents, is very strong, lots of emotion. But does it have the back up to explain and does he react accordingly?

Finished.

I never really found out why his parent left him - a weak link. A first I assumed they knew of yarrow as an extreme treatment.

Why did Yarrow take him to the doctors - didn't seem her type of thing, and how would they have his records, without his parents?

As to the concept, a vengeful Bee boy, is an interesting character. Reminds me of candy man a bit.

Overall needs a little clarity for me.

All the best.

Great Bee pic!

Nicely written visual to open, despite this: 'a tsunami of bees' - not sold on that.

Overall, I really don't know what to say about this one cause I'm not sure if it's tongue in cheek...some good writing on display at times and then it seems a little 'trying too hard'. And the story has me perplexed. The bit with the Doctor sounded a bit forced too i.e. the 'it's a miracle' declaration.

I think the problem is you didn't write it as a 'straight' horror - and the whole Southern feel of it (least in my opinion) with Mama and Daddy and some of the dialogue coming through is comical instead of tragic. It just doesn't seem to fit and so it presents as a bit of a parody.

I'm undecided. I liked the ending - the bees coming out of all orifices, but then it alludes to the fact Josephine is going to cop it and she's one of the good guys. I'm just not convinced with this one.

Very inventive.  Great visuals.

Some moments I really dug on: bees coming out of boy, the nose, especialy the eye lid, the homeopathic take, a flawed hero. The parents even seemed somewhat conflicted in leaving the boy. Simple tear from the father was enough, not blown out. I cared for this kid in only a few pages. I was intrigued by cure. Loved the visuals of that. You had me interested and wondering where the story was headed.

The satisfaction of revenge was tainted by the boy killing his saviour with a cure. And with the murder (?) of his housekeeper.  She was the one I thought cared for him. She loved him. Maybe I read wrong, but I hoped he would live with her after he slayed his parents. I like the idea that he could become her protector. Possible ending could be killing investigators or social services that want to take the boy. Leaving him alone, again. The dialogue needs work, especially with maid. Maybe 60 years ago in the South.

Some problems, but a solid premise. Intriguing and frightening. Lackluster dialogue holds back potential.

(Spoilers)

“to a writhing female

figure covered in bees on the ground in front of the cabin.”

-     It’s slightly difficult for me to imagine how she’s writhing because I have never seen anything like this before.

-Interesting opener, what I was able to imagine. Hopefully it goes somewhere :D

“JOSEPHINE
Surely she don’t mean it. She just
talkin’ out’a anger, baby.
BENJAMIN
Maybe, but she says she’s sendin’
me off to live with Granny Potts.”

-     The “maybe” doesn’t fit the character, imo. A young child normally doesn’t outweigh things like an adult, which is what this suggests to me anyway. If you cut “maybe, but” that flows much better.

-     Other than that, the dialogue is working immediately for me. Good job

-     I like Josephine, her character has potential, but in a rewrite, definitely embellish her character a tad further and she’ll shine like a baby’s bottom :D

“MAMA, 36, pushes the wheelchair to the SUV in the driveway.”

-     A little sparse here on the description on what the reader is to see. Is the wheelchair empty or occupied?

“Daddy folds the wheelchair, throws it in the back.”

-     I’m really hopping he didn’t just throw the kid’s wheelchair but rather set it down. Remember, word choice is everything.

“He nods towards his parents in the front.”

-     I don’t get this.

End of page 3 right now and I’m getting the idea that Josephine is a figment of Benjamin’s imagination.

“Daddy steps out, removes the wheelchair, readies it for Benjamin. The passenger window descends.”

-     This is happening too quickly so I can’t imagine it very well.

“Daddy! No! Please don’t go!! You
can’t leave me here!
Daddy disappears. Benjamin SOBS.”

Well, one, I think I know who wrote this one. Two, a little Hansel and Gretel going on here 

“The ceiling spins overhead, he gags, grabs a bucket beside the couch and pukes.”

Why is there a conveniently placed bucket beside the couch? Has this been happening before? Was there more puke in the bucket before he picked it up?

“The ‘old’ Benjamin is back.”
-     I’m totally confused.

So as to the story, I did not quite like Benjamin turning on the woman that helped him. It was forced in my opinion.
The revenge bit I get that you were eventually going to do that. That was sort of expected as I went on.

The ending was somewhat banal. Nothing significant took place. It was sort of a convenient way to get her killed. Where, in reality, you could have probably had her die right as she opened the door. Had you, however, built more suspense around it or some higher relevance than it would have worked. And perhaps would through a rewrite.

I’d say it's between okay and good.

The opening scene was powerful and had me hooked. I also had to read the whole thing as I was intrigued as to what was going on so I will say well done for that aspect.

However there was too many things that didn’t work for me.

I didn’t buy the parents dumping the kid like a sick puppy that they can’t be bothered tending anymore. A bond between a parent and a child is stronger than that.

As a parent and as someone who’s god-daughter is currently being treated for Leukaemia, I can say an illness like that brings you closer to the child, not further apart. You had to spend a lot of script time and dialogue trying to setup the abandoning in the forest scene which could have been spent better. As it is that angle needed a lot more backstory about the parents to make it believable and you didn’t have the screen time to do it.

I realise you needed to give him an illness so you could cover the ‘discover something that will alter mankind’ aspect to the challenge but it may have been easier to have him become lost in the forest after a picnic or have him kidnapped by Yarrow; something simpler. If in doubt, keep it simple!

Hats off to you though for trying to deal with a difficult and emotionally powerful situation.

The bee stings curing the illness is an interesting angle but it was squandered in my opinion.  It would have been nice to throw in some science or even some pseudo-science to help carry me into the welcoming arms of disbelief suspension. You have access to the greatest store of information the world has ever known via your preferred search engine. Even if there was a tenuous bit of research out there linking bee venom to the creation of white blood cells or if you found a way to link your story to the huge drop in bee population; something like that would have really risen the story up above the mindless horror it was.

I don’t mean to be rude there but I’ve grown tired of lazy horrors over the past years. The bees turned the boy into a walking bee-hive of death and madness. While that has a cool aspect to it, it also makes a lot of nonsense noise in my head. He should have died when attacked by the bees, why didn’t he? Maybe Yarrow could have been explaining some of the detail to him during his ordeal or we could have seen some flashbacks of her own.

If Yarrow has done this sort of thing to someone before (which I assume she has to discover what to do but we don’t know really) it’s safe to say she’s seen them become mad, bee-hives of death as well, so why wasn’t she prepared for this outcome?

He just kills everyone, even the only person who really cares for him so it felt flat at the end. So sorry it didn’t quite work with me but it was a good effort.

"An excerpt from my file of night dreams."  Uh oh.

However, I was pleasantly surprised by the writing on the first page.  Begins with a creepy, riveting image that hooked me.  Then the Homer quote stopped me dead in my tracks.  Really unnecessary, especially for a short.

Josephine sounded like she was right out of Django Unchained.  Some eye-rolling dialogue there.  And I think the whole leukemia angle could have been introduced more cinematically, instead of Benjamin just mentioning he has it and how much he hates it.  

We needed to see to see and feel the parents' anguish more.  They're about to kill their son in an incredibly cruel and cowardly way, so I wanted more insight into their psychology.  What exactly would make them do this?

I liked Yarrow and her bee treatment.  For me, that was the best part of the script.  Don't know if the trip to the doctor's was necessary.  Once we see Benjamin walk again, we know he's "cured."  

In hindsight, I'm not sure if Josephine was even necessary to this tale.  She felt oddly out of place given the setting.  

I think the ending would have worked better if, instead of the parents receiving the phone call and being apparently (and inexplicably) overjoyed to hear their son is alive and rushing to see him, Benjamin treks through the forest to confront them.  Would have made a powerful image for the mother to answer the door, only to see her presumably dead son standing there.  And then come the bees.

But overall, I felt the writing was solid for short notice.  Great concept, just tweak the execution.

I had a problem with a dialogue, myself. UNLESS...everybody was some kind of annoying caricature so that it'd be more fun to kill them off. But if that was the point, then you should've had Mama and Daddy just as developed as Josephine. Their deaths were kinda boring, aside from the revenge aspect.

If that wasn't the case, then none of the sounded like it belonged with these characters. Benjamin was the most eloquent 9-year-old I've never known. And I'm inclined to agree with Heretic, that I typically don't associate Josephine's dialect/speech pattern with the Northwest. Shoo.

Yarrow's intentions were ambiguous. Was she helping or harming or manipulating? Also, I assume that's Yarrow in the rocking chair in the teaser? If so, who's the victim? A failed attempt at going viral? That should be cleared up, too.

Other than that, it was an okay story. Felt like it should lose a few pages. Other than that, it's got a guilty-pleasure charm about it.

I liked that this was confidently written.  I think you knew that your concept was a little out there, but you played it straight, and I think this worked.  The whimsical picture at the outset is an obvious clue to your attitude with this, and I have taken a similar approach in the past -- knowing that some would frown on it -- but not really caring too much either.

You packed a good bit of story into a few pages, with several characters developed well enough to carry this fairly complex tale.  That is not easy to do.

I think the angle with the doctor discussing fame and fortune is a bit superfluous here, and the story works equally well without that -- and perhaps a bit better -- keeping things tight and intimate in the woods.

I am also not sure what the story is trying to say with the death of Josephine.  The other deaths, particularly those of the generic parents (a nice touch if intentional), fit with the general theme.  Ending like we did with Josephine, however, keeps this from being a fully satisfying tale.

If you could cook up something different for her in these final pages, I think this story (that is already good) could be improved to something special.

*** SPOILERS! ***

This was well written. Some "we see" running around here but it doesn't really bother me.

I dig the opening. I was definitely hooked after that, really made me want to read on.

Damn, things just get worse and worse for poor Benjamin. I liked the story here, thought you did a good job with the page limit.

But, it got a little confusing. The character motivations weren't clear. Why does Yarrow let him get stung by bees for six months? I guess she knows it'll "cure" him, but it just seems a little random and I don't really see any motivation.

And why do Benjamin's parents leave him in the woods in the first place, only to feel bad about it and pick him back up? Maybe I missed something.

Lastly, I'm still not entirely sure what happened to Benjamin. He's filled with bees or something? Why does he suddenly turn into a brain dead serial killer? And how do the bees even cure him, anyway?

Pg. 10: "fowl language" should be "foul".

Overall an intriguing entry, and I liked the story even if I didn't quite get it.

Great job completing this in a week.

Will

Excellent opening. Strong visuals, well-written and sets a visceral tone that had me looking forward to the rest. Unfortunately it went downhill from there.

The dialogue is stilted and felt forced. The motives are unclear; why the parent abandon the child the way they do, why Yarrow "saves" him the way she does (and why she's interested in the fame and fortune), why Benjamin kills Yarrow (seems harsh and out of character, did the bees change him?), why the parents try to "right a wrong" (have they even been looking for Benjamin? Has Josephine?). The pacing is off, jumping six months later robs all of the tension and Benjamin changes too much during that time for us to miss out on it so the before and after character is a jarring contrast. And there's no sense of where the story goes from here, or why this hasn't happened before if it's so simple to turn someone into a living beehive. There's also no sense of Benjamin trying to stop from killing Josephine, the one person he should have made an effort for. "Can't hold them back" doesn't suffice, we need to see some effort to get away from her or warn her to get away, anything to show he doesn't want to kill her but can't stop the bees. I started to care about Benjamin until he flipped into a comic book villain and felt robbed of my protagonist, and the only other sympathetic character (Josephine) ends up senselessly killed.

This seems to be written by a skilled writer who maybe didn't have enough time to do better. The concept is really cool, both for the curative properties of the bees and the transformation of Benjamin into bee boy. The writing, other than the dialogue, is solid and engaging. Some structure and a better ending would improve this greatly, and I think it's worth the effort to get right. Too many unanswered questions right now.

Good effort, not one of my favourites but it has the potential to be really good.

Quoted from ReneC The pacing is off, jumping six months later robs all of the tension and Benjamin changes too much during that time for us to miss out on it so the before and after character is a jarring contrast.

Great point, Rene.  This is a bigger problem than just pace, as the parameters stated that the script took place in July 2013, and that means you can't jump back or forward in time.

First off, I don’t think that title is doing you any favors.

Great creepy opening!  Really tantalizing set up.

I understand the quote's relation to your theme, but it seems unnecessary (or at least misplaced).

Yeah, it’s not normal for 40 year-old African Americans from the Pacific Northwest to sound like this. I liked Josephine’s character in this, but not-so-much her characterizations.

So what the parents are doing here is pretty monstrous, and I like that you show them struggling with it, but I think we need more. Not a lot more, but something. Some sort of added pressure (like drug addiction maybe) that would explain how they got so mixed as to think this is ok.

I do think that abandonment scene is effective though.

Some explanation of ‘The Bee Method’, even folklorish background, would help me suspend disbelief in what Yarrow does.

What the doctor says about being famous I don’t buy. Lots of people go into remission inexplicably. And maybe I’m wrong, but I think doctors who treat cancer generally look down on homeopathic medicine (and is this even that)?

I’m not liking that fact that the two most effective Bee Boy kill scenes are the ones where he’s turning on the people who helped him. I understand he doesn’t have complete control of it, but he doesn’t seem to care very much either. I guess it’s hard for me to tell exactly what kind of character Benjamin’s turned into.

Overall I enjoyed this though. It is was an easy read for me with a lot of good visuals. I just think you should restrict the killings to the characters that deserve it, the parents

Oh, and minor criteria gripe… The boy doesn’t really discover anything. Everything is just sort of thrust upon him. I think Ben dragging himself by bloodied fingertips to Yarrows cabin would do the trick nicely, and give the hint that there’s more to him than just a sick, weak kid.

Congrats on getting in a submit  :)

I like the bee story for what it is. Josephine's dialogue didn't bother me. In fact, I had a nanny, Alma, growing up and she spoke just like that. It didn't say in the script if the nanny was from the pacific northwest or from Savannah Georgia so it wasn't a problem for me.

Not the best but a decent owc entry. Good job.

Great opener.  Lots of atmosphere on display.  Despite a couple of weaker scenes among the mix I’d say this is one of my favourites so far.

The scene with the parents leaving Ben in the forest was grim (in a good way).  Though perhaps we could stand to see a little more of what was driving them to such a desperate act, it worked well to pull me into the story.  

The scene with the doctor felt too forced for my liking.  Wouldn’t a doctor know/require a patient’s name and details before treatment?  Yet here he already has results that say Benjamin’s in remission...  His dialogue regarding the ‘fame’ was a strange angle for a doctor to take.

Some pretty memorable characters -- writing this from memory a day after reading I can pretty much remember them all.  That’s more about the writing than my memory so kudos on that.

Think we could have done with a better understanding of Yarrow.  It was never revealed as to why she was ‘helping’ Ben and I think this lets the story down somewhat.

I’m not against killing off poor old Josephine -- unfair for sure, but I think it fit quite well with the tone and gave us an understanding than Ben couldn’t really control the bees.  Though perhaps a hint at where he goes from there would have made for a better ending.  

p.8 ‘I call him bee boy’.  As much as I liked this line it felt awkward given what had been a pretty dark tale up until now -- legally I’m guessing a doctor would need more than that.    

Not sure how the parents knew where to find him.

Wouldn’t the doctor have noticed the kid’s full of bees at some point?  :)

Anyway, I enjoyed this. A nice take on the challenge, even if it didn't quite fit the criteria -- not that mine did...

Steve.

Have to agree with the other reviewers and say that I really liked the opening scene. Great visuals. Nicely written throughout. Pulled at the ol' heart strings when Mama and Daddy left Benjamin in woods to die. I also have to agree and say that I didn't care for Josephine dying. She was the only one that cared for the boy and to see her go out at the end left a bad taste in my mouth.

Overall, it was a solid effort. Congrats on finishing the OWC.

-Dirk

A great read from start to finish.

Leaving Benjamin alone in the woods, really kept the dark atmosphere going that you captured at the start.

I felt bad that Yarrow had to die, after she saved him and helped him walk.

Also I liked how it ended, when Benjamin really has no control over the bees and how the tear ran down his face as they attacked Josephine.

Great descriptions/actions and dialogue

Well done

Mark

This has some great visuals and a strong origin story for a fun mythology. I love the drama of his parents abandoning him.

I guess I’d have like to have seen the kid do something a bit more interesting with his power, instead of it being a series of deserved or undeserved poor outcomes for other people. Specifically, it felt a bit odd for Yarrow to end up as she did since she created him, so why’d she do it?

Also, the scene with the Doctor felt a bit odd since without knowing the kid’s name he’d have no access to his prior history, so there’s no reason why the Doctor would so readily declare a miracle.

This story has some interesting elements, as well as some confounding issues.
I like the opening scene and think it could tie in with your last scene.
The dialogue at times was wacky.  What (words) comes out of Benjamin's mouth at times buzzes with comedic overtones — such as his ramblings in the woods, and his first meeting with Yarrow. The setting seemed more like the smoky mountains of Tennessee.

What if you leave the boy's illness a mystery? Indicate that he has very little time to live.
I thought the way his parents abandon him in the woods was hilarious.  Sorry, but it struck me funny that he isn't even drugged.  They just wheel him in the forest and bid him farewell.  Initially I thought there was an arrangement between the parents and Yarrow. But obviously this wasn't the case.
I just don't understand the motivations of some characters.  What was Yarrow after?  Why would the parents want to reunite with Benjamin after dumping him? Because now he's "all better"?

Yeah, the doctor scene didn't make sense.  Why would Yarrow bother to take Benjamin to see a conventional doctor? And shouldn't Yarrow be the focus of the miracle cure and any fame to follow?

What if Benjamin is actually a girl? The new queen of this deadly swarm.

In the opening scene, there is an unseen person in the rocker. Observing the death of another unidentifiable person, who is buried under a swarm of bees. I initially thought the observer was Yarrow.  Maybe it's Benjamin.  Instead of closing with Josephine's death, it could be Yarrow. This would be an indication that Benjamin's use of the power would be for evil. Just a thought.

Don't kill off Josephine.  But on the other hand, why didn't she bother to keep in contact with Benjamin? Wasn't she told that he was shipped off to relatives?

I like your concept here.  Tweak it so it makes more sense. It was a fun read, and the dialogue did get a few laughs out of me.  Not sure if that was your intention.  Good job for one week.

The opening scene here was awesome.  So visual and horrifying.

The story though, I had an easier time believe someone could turn into a bee boy than I did with the parents dumping their kid in the woods to die.  It made me hate the parents so I was glad when they died but still...wasn't buying it.  I think an over the top, drastic action like that needs more set up.

This was a cool idea though.  Just think it needs more character development.  

Finally got around to reading these (busy week).

This was written very well, your opening scene in particular.  The only real gripe I have with this story is in Benjamin's downward spiral.

Early on in the story, after your opening scene, we got a glimpse of who Benjamin was-a somewhat somber, sad character with a glimmer of light in Josephine.  At the end, he's this homicidal, supernatural force full of hate.  I would have liked to see that transformation illustrated a bit more.

You touched up on it through your montage but for me it wasn't enough.  Having the opportunity to reunite with Josephine again could be seen as the spark which set him off but without that build up, it didn't pack as much of a punch.

It may be my personal preference but that "brewing storm" leading up to the climax can be much more rewarding than the actual climax itself.  At the bottom of the spiral, we know he's gonna take out those six months of built up aggression but it didn't seem loaded so to speak from what I read.  Yarrow I would place on the antagonist side and I think you could have used her to push Benjamin down to his darker side as I think she didn't live up to her potential as a catalyst for Benjamin's breakdown.

All in all though a good story.  It kept me reading to the end so good job.

Johnny

Without reading prior comments, my review follows:

First off, opening image:  Vividly disturbing.

Lots of "We" in the opening.  May want to avoid that for future reference. ;)

On page 5 I grew rather shocked at what happened.  Kinda unexpected.  Rather intense.

Page 7, now she's a real biznatch too!  What the hell is going on?

Page 8, nice twist.  

On page 11 there's a "frig", should be "fridge".

And done.

Well, this was a very disturbing, vividly realistic tale of revenge.  I felt bad for Benjamin, I really did, however, after the "Bees" he really wasn't Benjamin anymore.  He was more... demonic, if that makes sense, as if he was something rather than someone.

Whatever that thing was inside of him certainly brought out raw anger.  I liked how it came full circle with Yarrow and the Rocking Chair.  All in all, well written.

Lee

This was a cute read, in the vein of Tales From The Darkside.

I think the dialog needs punching up.  It seemed very forced and phony, particularly on page three when Benjamin explains the story to us while talking to Josephine.  You just threw all the info we needed to know in a few lines of dialog.


I thought the following:

Quoted Text SUPER: THE TREATMENT CONTINUES OVER SIX MONTHS

was extremely lazy writing.  You can show time passing in more visual ways than this.  You're in the forest!  Use it!  Show trees blooming and the leaves turning brown later on.  Show the same deer drinking from a stream and have it grow in a series of shot.

I think you need to explain Yarrow a little more.  Is she some crazy mountain woman?  Is she a witch?  

Expanding on this script would do wonders for it.  I know you had page limits for it but, now that the challenge is over, you can rewrite it.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I thought the following: was extremely lazy writing.  You can show time passing in more visual ways than this.  You're in the forest!  Use it!  Show trees blooming and the leaves turning brown later on.  Show the same deer drinking from a stream and have it grow in a series of shot.

Very true and good advice, but this is the central problem in this entry, as the parameters clearly said that the script needed to take place in July 2013.  The reality of that restriction was to do away with scripts that covered more than a month of time.

Quoted from Dreamscale Very true and good advice, but this is the central problem in this entry, as the parameters clearly said that the script needed to take place in July 2013.  The reality of that restriction was to do away with scripts that covered more than a month of time.

What Phil said...great advice and a good way to completely do away with the montage. I hate montages.

And as far as the parameters...the script looked like it took place in July. I guess since the story went on past July for some six months it should be disqualified.

Man, another parameter. That means there were at least 7 conditions for this OWC. A lot of parameters any way you look at it.

No, not disqualified, but something that peeps need to understand.

Lots of these entries missed out on the time parameter, which i personally didn't quite understand.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Man, another parameter. That means there were at least 7 conditions for this OWC. A lot of parameters any way you look at it.

Kevin, again, I'm sorry you feel this is/was such a restricted OWC.  But again, I honestly don't get what you find so restricting.

It's a short...written and conceived in a week.  Do you/we/anyone really need to write a story that covers large amounts of time?  I don't think so.  Actually, unless it's some epic feature, I never think a short should cover more than a few days, tops.

It's R rated, which means the "restriction" is that you use 1 of the 6 MPAA ratings.  PG and PG13 are very similar and as we all know that before 1984's Red Dawn, there was no such thing as PG13.  NC17 and X are pretty rare and not a very good idea to write a script in.  So, an R rating could be viewed as 1 of 3 ratings (G, PG, and R) - or, not much of a restriction.

The Pacific Northwest is a HUGE area and far from restrictive, IMO.

Every OWC has to have a theme and this one happened to be "a miraculous discovery that could affect mankind as we now know it".  Restricting?  Not to me.

Finally, having the lead character being 6-12 years old...well, let's see what we have here.  Rarely are you going to write a script with a child younger than 6 being the lead.  So, you have this age range, 13-18, 19-24 or so, 25-35, 36-50, maybe, and finally, over 50.  So, this restriction is 1 of 5 or so age groups.  Male or female, and ethnicity.

Pretty wide open to me...  

the checklist:

1) 6 to 12 yr old child
2) no projectile weapons
3) no explosions
4) must be rated R
5) must be in Pacific Northwest
6) must involve a miraculous discovery which might alter mankind
7) no natural disasters
8) no vehicle stunts or crashes
9) must take place mostly outside
10) must take place(apparently completely) within July of 2013

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG checklist. Way too much work for what's supposed to be fun and which we hope will produce creative stories that make some hill of sense.

As for the July restriction, I didn't even think it restrictive when I first read it, but now that I am seeing the strict interpretation you are applying to it...yeah, it's restrictive. What if one wanted to show a flashback? What if one wanted to show a quick glimpse of the future so we could see the altering of mankind?

Bottom line is the check list for these things is getting longer and longer. I guess the temptation to do that when setting them up is hard to resist, because the one in October had a long list too.

If you're going to have a long list, it might worth allowing some latitude on scripts that come pretty damn close. That's all I'm saying. And this one seems pretty close.

I'm repeating myself, but I can't help it...I don't see this list as being remotely restrictive.

To me, a restriction that actually restricts creativity and causes the entries to have exactly the same feel is something like this...

no more than 5 characters, 1 of which must be in a wheelchair

Must be contained within a single setting of a house

must be horror

no special effects allowed

Etc........

This was the best I've read so far. Not a whole pile to say about it really. Minor quibbles, MAMA and DADDY as character names, bee stings described as bites and a mispelling of fridge.

I love Josephine's dialouge, had a nice southern lilt to it.

This was a very imaginative effort coupled with some good research. Bee Sting Therapy is used for Multiple Sclerosis, so it was nice to see this idea pushed in a horror manner.

Some very striking images too.

All in all, very good OWC effort.

Jeff, the issue is not with any particular restriction. It's with the number of them, which creates a long checklist, and with the way some of these restrictions when combined become very restrictive.

I actually was not around for the one you just listed above, but that seems very reasonable,whoever came up with it.

Yours would have been excellent if you stopped at this: 12 yr old kid, Pacific Northwest, a discovery that might alter mankind. Perfect! Excellent!

But as you construct story ideas along those parameters, you have to keep checking the rest of the list, and it some point it becomes too tedious...and too restrictive. Especially when you consider the R rating. That means either violence or sexual content, and yet there is a kid, and violence is limited because of the gun restriction. It just becomes a puzzle that's not worth taking time off from regular projects to try to grapple with.

I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone for reviewing my script. It means a lot to me..this feedback. I appreciate the advice and good recommendations that will help me make this a better script.

Dena

Great script Dena

One of my favs, if not my fav.

Well done

Mark

Markkkkk.....Thank you man....you rocked the Dreamscale...it was my number 4 favorite of all the scripts!

Ah, the writer of Bee Boy is finally revealed, never would've guessed, I think I was a little harsh with my comments, apologies. One last question, how does one put images in their title page? I've seen it with a few scripts but I'm not aware of any screenwriting software that lets you.

I do not mind 'a little harsh' Mo :) no probs man. Oh and I put the little bee there with MAGICK :) ha! Nah....just put it in after as an 'image signature' is all. You should NEVER do that as it's not professional. But I like to break the rules. :)

So when it's a pdf....that's when I put the bee in there. ;)

Quoted from Pale Yellow I do not mind 'a little harsh' Mo :) no probs man. Oh and I put the little bee there with MAGICK :) ha! Nah....just put it in after as an 'image signature' is all. You should NEVER do that as it's not professional. But I like to break the rules. :) So when it's a pdf....that's when I put the bee in there. ;)

Ah, okay, thanks. Maybe if I write ever a pisstake, I'll put a funny picture in there. :)

A horrifying opening scene that will stick with me for a long time.  I'll be running from bees all summer.  Thanks for that.   :P   ;D  Great work!  

Cuz we're all thinking about it, now...

Quoted from DanBall Cuz we're all thinking about it, now...

Ha...well, since we're going there...who isn't thinking of this..?

"Killing me won't bring back your god damn honey!!!"

Hahah I have to admit that I thought of both of the above two -- but also this, which might have beaten Bee Boy to the punch on a few images...

MAJOR SPOILERS for Case 39 (which is an aggressively mediocre film with a reasonably intriguing opening but no follow-through and an eye-rollingly silly climax):

Quoted from Heretic MAJOR SPOILERS for Case 39 (which is a terrible film)

I disagree.  Case 39 is not a terrible film.  It's definitely not a great film, but terrible?  I don't think so.

I'm surprised Nicholas Cage didn't sweep the Razzies with that performance.  I can imagine in a setup for a scene for each film he makes:

DIRECTOR:  Ok, as the priest, you'll baptize the baby here in a somber ceremony.

CAGE:  So, how loud should I yell my lines?

DIRECTOR:  No, no--it's a beautiful scene, with love and happiness all around.

CAGE:  So, do I yell at the baby?

DIRECTOR:  Can someone check and see if John Travolta is available?

CAGE:  Hey!  I played him in FACE/OFF.  He didn't yell as much as me.

Quoted from Gary in Houston I'm surprised Nicholas Cage didn't sweep the Razzies with that performance.  I can imagine in a setup for a scene for each film he makes: DIRECTOR:  Ok, as the priest, you'll baptize the baby here in a somber ceremony. CAGE:  So, how loud should I yell my lines? DIRECTOR:  No, no--it's a beautiful scene, with love and happiness all around. CAGE:  So, do I yell at the baby? DIRECTOR:  Can someone check and see if John Travolta is available? CAGE:  Hey!  I played him in FACE/OFF.  He didn't yell as much as me.

That's high praise!

Oh man! I've never seen any of those scenes! Ack... I've actually had bees used on me to treat different things...it was a bit scary. Sometimes I have night dreams about bees...so that's where this little tale of Bee Boy came from. :) Was a fun write. ;)

Quoted from Dreamscale I disagree.  Case 39 is not a terrible film.  It's definitely not a great film, but terrible?  I don't think so.

Well gosh darnit, you're right. Edited  ;D

Quoted from Heretic Well gosh darnit, you're right. Edited  ;D

That's funny, Chris.  You had me rolling over here!  Well done.

Quoted from bert Ha...well, since we're going there...who isn't thinking of this..?

Nicholas Cage thinks he had it bad?  How about those of us who watched this stinkburger?


Phil

I found Bee Boy's mom :D

I remember watching this on an old projector screen when I was a wee lad.

Mark

ACK Bee Boy's mom!! Creepy! I"m going to have nite dreams!!!!

I'm going to have 3 or 4 wet dreams!!   ;D ;D ;D ;D