The Beast of Ape Canyon by Eric Wall (EWall433) - Short - On the last leg of their family vacation Robbie Turner drags his parents along on a search for Bigfoot, but nothing can prepare them for what they will find. - pdf, format 8)

Loved it. What else can I say? Brilliant.

I could probably say more, but for now I'll just leave it at that.  

The dialogue punches out like sitcom comedy, almost like a “Married…with Children” type. Though slightly more on the nose as I kept reading on.

“Kwatoko opens a small box beside the cage and pulls out a
dead rat. He takes out a knife and cuts two bits of meat
from the rat’s body.
He drops the rat meat into the cage piece by piece. The baby
eagles feed.”

-     Awesome :D

“The Winnebago pulls into the parking lot. Kwatoko puts the
rat away and pulls a blanket over the cage.”

-     Wait, is he embarrassed of what he’s doing? NOOO! Do it in front of the kid!

“YOUNG WOMAN
We’re headed west. Planning to hit
Goat Mountain by sundown.”

-     I can only surmise what these two are looking for.

“KWATOKO
Come on little one. You have to eat
sometime.”

-     It feels out of character for me, but I like what you’re trying to get across.
I like how you managed to take it from being about big foot and unexpectedly making it about something else. Something not commonly perceived as horrific.
I did have some issues with the clarity of some things. They were minor and didn’t deter the read too much for me, but to point out one in particular:

“EXT. FIELD - CONTINUOUS
Robbie runs full force through the field. The wind whips the
tall grass around him.”
Is this an open field or like the open prairie? I mean, they’re in the forest after all so I’m confused as to whether he’s running through an agricultural field or open grassland.

"She wears a red, white and blue sundress." That's strangely specific... EDIT: My bad...

"She holds an open road map that she looks at it for a beat" Typo... I think?

Kwatoko's story just seems to be incredibly forced, I mean they didn't even ask to hear it but he just goes ahead and says it anyway. Make the kid curious and have him suggest it.

The ending was the only redeeming factor to the script, sorry to say, and that even barely worked. The thing is that the family, however American they may be, have honestly done nothing wrong. They're just a couple going out to wherever with their son, and sure, they might come across as a little 'patriotic' but that's no reason to kill them. So when they do die, it feels as if I should be almost happy they died, but it just left a bad taste in my mouth. It felt forced.

And then there was the native American, he seemed like a nice enough dude, hell, he was telling the family stories and pinching their money, but then suddenly, he becomes the bad guy. The first 10 pages just didn't work, I felt the story revolved around the twist and just the twist. Maybe have this told me Kwatoko's point of view, maybe something disturbs his cycle of raising the eagles and he has to stop them. He's the only thing in this story that's keeping it interesting and I'd suggest focusing on this.

It has potential, but in its current form it's not working for me. The writing could also use a little clean up, but that's mostly early on.

Grade: C-

I liked this one and I'm sure most will. Ok, it has its probs but it delivers in the main.

Here, though, we see the biggest problem of the challenge - the R rating. This script starts off quite family friendly, the title is sorta cliched and we maybe expect a scary story but in a good way.
However...because we know the scripts have to have fairly graphic violence in them, we know that some nasty shit is bound to happen - in this case, a woman electrocuted by 1 billion volt ( which I sorta found funny when I read it) and the dad pecked to death by a giant fucking eagle, lol.
So this sort of... throwing in of the violence or sex or whatever can make the script out of whack. I know in mine the violence is kinda of forced and I had to redo some pages to make it more 'real'

But hey, not whinging!  This has been a great writing exercise!

Anyway, this was a cool little story and good job!

I can't believe this story actually got back on rails just in time to have an good ending.  Not only was it good, it was really creepy.  Another good script for showing the Pacific Northwest.  Kudos for establishing a mythos for your tale.  Kwatoko's got to make that money for letting people use his bathroom considering he's got many mouths to feed. Lol

I'm sorry, but you got to find a way to cover up the shit-show beating these characters took.  Lol! I literally had tears in my eyes when that eagle did a beak plant into his American eagle shirt. Wtf was up with that egg?

This script would have been my hands down favorite so far, but that one sequence took away from it.  Great set up and ending.

Johnny

SPOILERS

As I go:

The opening visuals set this up to be a well-written script. Super satisfying sometimes when characters don't even have to open their mouths and you already have a strong opinion about them. (Oscar Wilde said that patriotism is the virtue of the vicious :))

Kwatoko has an enormous nose, I hope!

The only thing I want (I'm on page 8 now) are a few more cheesy "ominous" gags. Nothing to overt, just something to remind us that the horror is coming. The family is hilarious, but maybe too hilarious, y'know?

Thoughts:

To be perfectly deserving of a place in a Creepshow film, this short's only missing one thing -- stronger motivation to dislike the family. We've got the smallpox gag, but really, we need to see them shitting all over Native American culture left and right...or, they need to be warned not to mess with the egg...or, something. This has the perfect, PERFECT Creepshow type flavour, but the setup/payoff isn't quite right because if the payoff is them being horribly killed and cursed, the setup has to be, y'know, them deserving it.

But, the way I read it, a pitch-perfect kinda-goofy kinda-creepy really-fun little horror short. Thinking of Old Chief Wooden Head from Creepshow 2. Great work.

Beast of ape canyon

Was that some humor in the Winnebago - very naughty, no comedy permitted. I assume its going to get ugly.

It does...

After seeing that killing of his father Robbie's not going to be the same, that's for sure., and later we discover that indeed he won't be the same.

A old Indian, with dodgy eye sight, can morph into a giant eagle to raise babies taken from the human world and at the same time...run a gift shop. He's busy.

Yeah, there were some nice things, the switch from Bigfoot to the thunderbird iliked, a touch of misdriection. I understand that eagle was protecting its nest I just wasn't sure about the old man. He tried to send them the other way.

Small silly point, but for a hidden creature all they had to do was park at the end of the road and an eight year old scampers into the woods and finds it.  Sounds a tad easy. More hurdles to get over?

Otherwise sound work.

Okay, I'm definitely in the Pacific NorthWest with this one from the get-go. Love the opening and then the opener of the next scene with Kwatoko cutting up pieces of rat - sets the tone nicely, good visual stuff!

Good characterisations i.e. 'You sure you can't pee on a tree'? And nice set up with  Kwatoko recounting the legend etc.

My only quibble is that by page 8 I'm still waiting for something to happen. But you redeem yourself with the payoff.

Loved Caroline getting her foot stuck - did I miss something there? If not I think you could have shown what 'lies beneath' feel it might have been a missed opportunity for more creepiness and suspense.

Now did the family deserve what they had coming? Course they did. ;D

This one's another fav. Pretty darn good! Actually I think you should rewrite after the challenge is done - develop it further. Would make a great lil horror in the vein of 'Creepshow/Twilight Zone'.

Good going & really enjoyable read.

Libby

Oh, and a little P.S. I don't think the title does this one justice.

I think some OWC entries suffer from the restrictions and page limit and this could be one of them.  

It's a decent story but then the graphic scene seems out of place and just there to hit the criteria.  The ending was pretty cool but then we get know very little of Kwatoko and his story.

I did quite enjoy this, though I found the eagle shirt and rippling red, white and blue dress a bit cheesy.

I couldn't help bu laugh when I saw this title.  I still can't.  Is it a pisser?  We'll see...

OK, wait a minute.  I just couldn't go into this giggling, so I looked up "Ape Canyon" and see it's a real place in the pacific Northwest and there were actually Bigfoot attacks here.  Cool!  Now I think it will be a serious entry.

James and Caroline are real jokesters! Not remotely funny, but I like that you tried to give them some life.  Same for Robbie.

Very classic (or is it cliched) setup - driving, stop at a out of the way store, creepy old guy at store, etc.  Let's hope it veers off course soon.

Page 3 - I like the characterization of James and Robbie, when he asks him if he can't piss on a tree and Robbie says no. Cute - well done.

Page 5 - too slow IMO, and the Indian's dialogue isn't sounding very real to me.

Page 7 - Caroline made a funny...that's funny!  A mosquito net - I like it.  Well done.  These peeps are growing on me.

Page 8 - Great description of the view.  Very well done!

Page 9 - A giant eagle with a 40 foot wing span?  Wow...didn't see that one coming.

Page 10 - one billion volts of electricity?   This reads like a pisser here.

The graphic violence feels out of place here and again, almost borders pisser realm.

The ending is a letdown for me.  I don't really get it.

The structure and plotting here is rather cliche, but overall everything is easy to follow and you did a good job!

Well, that was definitely...creepy? It was different, for sure.


SPOILERS BELOW:

The script was well-written and well-structured, to be sure.  I didn't care for the title, as it really didn't relate well to the actual story, unless you consider an eagle a beast.  Also, this is a challenge, and so far all the stories I've read haven't addressed the single most defining aspect of the challenge, which is a child discovers something miraculous that will change mankind.  I don't think finding an eagle egg is a miraculous discovery.

It took awhile for this to get going and then it wraps up very quickly, with Robbie turned into an eaglet.  How does that happen?  Does the Indian have something to do with this since he is feeding Robbie at the end?  And why would he do this to them?  Did they really treat him so poorly in the beginning that he now has some sort of revenge thing going on?

Seems like this was a story that was playing both sides of the fence--the first three-quarters almost comedic and the final quarter truly macabre.  I think that hurts the story.  Probably should have stuck with a macabre type of Rod Serling/Night Gallery kind of feel and that would have made for a better payoff.  Again, though, the writing was the best I've read so far--it's the story I think that let's you down slightly.

Grade: B

Gary

Like how you started out with the whole ‘bigfoot’ theme only to spin it in a different direction with the appearance of the Thunderbird.  Didn’t feel like you spent enough time with Robbie to make it ‘his’ story, but it felt like most of the other criteria was met.

Think we could of spent less time on the journey and a little more fleshing out the search and Thunderbird scene.
I like the idea behind it, but it all came to a head so quickly that it was hard to take seriously.  Not bad, but it didn’t do much for me overall.

Steve

I enjoyed this a lot. It took awhile for things to get going but I loved how the story ended. The visuals were nice. The writing for the most part was crisp. My only gripe was the story took place inside the winnebago a tad too long. I would have loved to have seen the family a bit longer outdoors exploring before all hell broke loose.

Overall nice job! Congrats on finishing the OWC!

- Dirk

Very TWILIGHT ZONE with the end. Felt more like X-FILES on the way.

You got me. I thought bigfoot was coming for sure. Until the Native shop. The myth could have been eased into more. It was refreshing to me because I'm not familiar with that legend. I do wish; however,  that the legend was better written. This was a great opportunity to flavour the world. Maybe stereotypical dialect would have helped in this instance. He didn't sound Native, more like cut n paste from a legends book. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.

I also liked the idea that the boy transformed to the bird. It makes me wonder who the thunderbird was as a man. With the egg gone it makes me wonder where it will re-locate. A few questions spring up. I think that is a good thing. Is the boy set to become a thunderbird or an eagle or what.

Solid premise. Intriguing. Some missed oportunites. Unique creature feature.

I totally dug the title -- went in hoping for cheese -- and got a decent serving.

The family is well-drawn, and Kwatoko an appropriate choice, if a little obvious.

For a short, it took a while to get going.  For example, I have no idea why we spent nearly a full page with Caroline's stuck foot when it had no bearing on the story.

While the beast was not what I was expecting, it was telegraphed well, so it made sense when it appeared.  And it was different.  And once introduced, it was used effectively.  The carnage was well-drawn.  The final twist was a little strained, but I like what you were going for just the same.

My main beef with this story?  Winnebagos already have a bathroom.  A small issue perhaps, but it bugged me at the time.  Have the family stop for a different reason.

I would rate this as a good entry, all in all, with little to complain about.  Nice work.

I LOVE the atmosphere that's in the first 6-7 pages. You've created precisely the people who would be traveling in a Winnebago, driving to Mt St Helens and stopping at an old Indian's shop. The dialogue sounded just like what you could expect from that. I really liked the way you had the Kwatoko play to the boy's sense of adventure, telling him everything the parents didn't want him to hear.

The family's demise is pretty perfect, too. It's very..."Carlinian" lol. It's kind of a great poetic justice for them and annoying tourists in general, trying to master/rape nature.

Although, I'm not sure what the point of the epilogue was.

i liked this one. the first page reminded me of scooby doo for some reason and that made me laugh. It moved pretty quick, it was silly at times but that didn't bother me. I was smiling through the whole thing. I liked how it ended with kwatoko, that was amusing. Good job on this entry.

I liked this, it was a bit of a slow burner but I think it hit the mark at the end.  It was well written/formatted and an interesting concept that I can't say I've heard before (kudos for that).

Good Job

Michael

"Honey, if I wanted to spend the weekend with some hairy ape man we would’ve stayed at your uncle’s." --  LOL  I like these people already.  :)

Totally into it until this line on page 7..."Thunderbird sure as heck didn’t protect any native tribes from small pox."  --  Gee Dad...way to bring down the mood.  Reminds me of something "Debbie Downer" would say on SNL followed by a horn playing...whaa whaa whaa....

I loved this family. they seemed very real to me. Great job there.

I don't want to give anything away but I didn't quite understand why that happened to Robbie.  I went back and reread the legend because I thought I missed something.  So that needs more clarification or a better set up IMO.

The last page with the new family went on too long IMO.  I got it as soon as the guy asked to use the bathroom that they were in for the same fate.  

Good job on this.  It's my fave so far.   And great writing by the way.  A breeze to read.  
;D

As with all the others, I haven’t read any other comments before posting this and it will contain spoilers.

This was awesome! The best one yet. I loved it all. The way it was written was spot on, I could visualise everything without it being too descriptive nor was it repetitive. The dialogue was superb, the characters nicely flushed out and the story was well researched.

I was expecting bigfoot and I loved being surprised in a story. Even though all the clues where there I didn’t spot them until the attack happened.

I did feel sorry for the parents as they were nice and genuinely loved their kid but that’s another reason this story is so good, I cared about them so it was powerful when they got slaughtered. The entire attack was intense and visually it would look superb.

It made me think a lot at the end but in the right way. You didn’t spoon-feed me with blatant and obvious information, nor did you try to mask the story in so much mystical bullshit there was no answers or tried to confuse me with cleverness.

I love this story! Can’t praise it enough.

Despite the awesomeness of the story, what discovery was made that altered mankind? Obviously, it altered the dad a great deal, but someone could take the thing out with more equipment. Unless you're gonna go THERE and use a military full of buffoons.

Quoted from DanBall Despite the awesomeness of the story, what discovery was made that altered mankind? Obviously, it altered the dad a great deal, but someone could take the thing out with more equipment. Unless you're gonna go THERE and use a military full of buffoons.

Correct, Dan.  I agree 100%.  There wasn't any miraculous discovery that could alter mankind as we now know it.

(SPOILER) Man-eating eagles with a forty-foot wingspan could certainly be problematic, though.


Er, well...it's a stretch, but still.

Quoted from NickSedario (SPOILER) Man-eating eagles with a forty-foot wingspan could certainly be problematic, though. Er, well...it's a stretch, but still.

Plus a man with the power to (SPOILER) change humans into birds could be pretty impacting on mankind but I do agree, that aspect of the requirements is very open to interpretation.

The issue is that the child didn't discover the giant eagle and the child didn't discover the Indian - based on how it's written, this has been going on for some time, and the family here, is just another set of victims for the killer bird and evil Indian .

Or better yet, this suffers from the age old issue in horror movies of "something evil or the like" which has been going on forever, yet a group of peeps suddenly discover it, as if it's unknown or brand new.

Does that make sense?

For instance, if a child "finds" a secluded, hidden cave that no one has seen since it was sealed to keep whatever evil resides there, inside, then, yeah, it's a "miraculous discovery".

But, if a child walks through the woods and "discovers" a family of Sasquatches, that's been living there and killing there for many years...and gets killed himself, it's not a miraculous discovery.  At least not in my mind.

It's the same deal with the script about the maidens in Crater Lake.  Those maidens didn't just appear for the first time - they've had to be killing lots of men who camp there fro years and years, but then again, there's the rub, aye?  It doesn't make sense when you use a little common sense.

Quoted from Dreamscale It doesn't make sense when you use a little common sense.

Right.  

You're very detail-oriented I've noticed.  But whether it met the criteria or not I still enjoyed the story.  I suppose that's totally beside the point.

Quoted from NickSedario Right.   You're very detail-oriented I've noticed.  But whether it met the criteria or not I still enjoyed the story.  I suppose that's totally beside the point.

I too enjoyed it.

It's just a common mistake made...by Pros as well, over and over again.  Unless there's a reason why something is hidden or unknown, it just doesn't make sense when some creature or the like is just hanging out, lurking around, waiting for some group of peeps to wander into its stomping grounds.

There should always be a reason.  Even if it's as simple as...let's say House of 1,000 Corpses, in which the "family" has been killing for a long time, and it's known that mysterious disappearances have been going on for some time in that area.

But in both this one and the Evil Succubus Maidens, this bad shit happens at the drop of a hat, and based on that, seems to be happening quite frequently.

Quoted from Dreamscale The issue is that the child didn't discover the giant eagle and the child didn't discover the Indian - based on how it's written, this has been going on for some time, and the family here, is just another set of victims for the killer bird and evil Indian . Or better yet, this suffers from the age old issue in horror movies of "something evil or the like" which has been going on forever, yet a group of peeps suddenly discover it, as if it's unknown or brand new. Does that make sense?

I may need to read it again but I read it that the Eagle and the Indian were one and the same as they both had cataracts and the legend says they can transform from man to bird and back again. There's an assumption that the Indian is evil but he told them not to go in that direction and it appeared to me like he was protecting the eggs. More instinct than evil perhaps? There was a line in there that suggested the magic was all hokum because if they had such magic how come they got wiped out by simple disease (and white man by implication). The Thunderbirds simply protected their territory like animals do. The tribes who lived nearby ‘saw this as a protective force’ but as long as their territory was respected they did not interfere, hence the tribes got wiped out by ordinary means.

I too thought “How the heck do massive Eagles like this stay hidden from the world?” at first but with the transformation angle maybe they can. Maybe the only nest once every hundred years or so and this is the only time they are compelled to transform. Maybe normally the Indian doesn’t kill every family it comes across, only killing those when it needs to. He did show compassion at the end as well, he killed the adults who could have exposed the secret to the world but saved the child…in a way.

The discovery that ‘potentially’ could change mankind wasn’t so much the egg or the Eagle (Which came first? lol) but the boy who had been transformed into a bird. What happens when he and others like him grow up and goes out on his own? I agree there could be more explanation in the script and would like to see a re-write after the competition.

Wow...my favorite of the bunch. I don't know how I missed this one yesterday.

GREAT job on the owc. GREAT story.

This one started off slowly for me, but finished off in style.

I thought we were going Harry Potter with the scar on the forehead :D

Good dialogue, good actions/descriptions

Overall a decent effort

Good job on entering.

Mark

Pretty easy read until the description of the END OF ROAD.  Describing a "large plain" with "cliffs" and a "canyon" seems contradictory.  I had to read the paragraph a couple times to understand what the area looked like.

There was a too much exposition with the old man's speech.

The old man should have been more ominous in the beginning.  He should have threatened them to stay away from Ape Canyon.  As it is, he just kind of asks them not to go there and suggests they go somewhere else.

I would have liked it more if the old man was blind and the family stole something from him.  Give us a reason to dislike the mom and dad.

I wish it would have been more difficult for them to find the nest.  I hoped for something like Pet Sematary, a barrier that was not meant to be crossed.

If only I spoke Hopi, I would have seen this coming a lot sooner.  Bird with big beak.

I thought 1 billion volts seemed a little excessive but I learned that it's actually correct.  Thank you.

I think we're all in agreement that the title needs work.  I understand that it's a real place but it sounds cartoonish.

The characters were developed well for the most part.

Decent story but it wasn't too original and the pacing could have been better.

Jordan

Great opening scene. Not the best writing (too many beats, too wordy, dialogue sounds written), but the scene is set, good characterization, a good introduction to the story with a clear goal, and exposition is handled well. Whatever stage you're at in screenwriting, your instincts are solid and you know how to tell a story.

Great use of misdirection. The Thunderbird legend starts off strong but the monologue is too much, it could be done better. Excellent visuals and descriptions at the river, except for Caroline getting her foot stuck in the water. That was painfully vague when everything else was so detail rich and you missed an opportunity for some old fashioned foreshadowing. What if she got her foot stuck in something creepy, like a bear's arm bones? Or a human rib cage? Even if it's just a tree root, give us that detail because I was taken out of the story wondering what it could be.

Sure, it was awfully convenient for Robbie to find the egg as soon as he gets there, but it kept the pace going so I didn't care too much. You could probably rework that a bit to make it more believable without the page restriction. Awesome visuals and descriptions when the Thunderbird arrives, that set piece makes up for all the shortcomings. But without a great ending it wouldn't mean much. Thankfully the ending is great, a befitting extension of the Thunderbird legend that feels right.

I almost missed the connection about the eyes. You should highlight that detail about Kwatoko, put it on its own line or make a point of Robbie noticing, maybe even commenting. Make that detail stick in our minds so we get that reveal at the climax. Cataracts are awfully common though, you might want to use something more remarkable like you did with Robbie's scar.

Excellent job for a week's writing. There are entries with better writing but this one has the best story I've read so far and that's what really counts. Thanks for sharing!

Quoted from ReneC I almost missed the connection about the eyes. You should highlight that detail about Kwatoko, put it on its own line or make a point of Robbie noticing, maybe even commenting. Make that detail stick in our minds so we get that reveal at the climax. Cataracts are awfully common though, you might want to use something more remarkable like you did with Robbie's scar.

Yep, totally agree.  In fact, I did not get that connection until I read someone else's feedback.

This needs to be made much clearer for it to work that way you want it to.  

It’s good that you set the characters up quickly and you immediately tell us why they are here. The set-up of the Thunderbird legend might be a bit heavy handed, but it makes sense to get us ready for what’s to come. The big action scene felt hurried, but worked well, and the ending twist is amusing stuff.

The first 2/3rds of this felt like the beginning of a longer story, because it’s largely set-up. It’s good set-up, but after that I’d be expecting a much longer sequence of them in the woods. For me this would be a story you could think about developing a feature version from.

I'm commenting on this one first because I chose it as my favorite title.

I loved the thought and preparation behind this one.  You must have had a great brainstorming session when you came up with the idea.

It very much put me in a 'Creepshow' frame of mind, and I love getting lost in stories like that.  I'm very much a realist in my writing and what I read, but I do love letting my imagination stretch from time to time if the story's right.

I may have to re-read this one again, (I read it yesterday), but the cataracts in the eyes of the old man and the hawk clearly stuck out in my mind.

I wouldn't say to go as far as to have any of your characters comment on the cataracts, (afterall, you have already been accused of on-the-nose dialogue as it is, and I do agree in some instances).  If anything, I'd maybe make the boy focus, and maybe even intrigued, by the milk in his eye in the beginning.  That way, when he sees it in the hawk, it'll connect us right back to that old man scene.  Eventhough I made the connection right away, since others had a little trouble with it, I'd say that's the route to go.

But a great job on this one!

- Mark

Interesting piece - set-up almost seemed more feature like in the way it took its time, but like most have said it paid off well.

The family ignored Kwatoko's instruction, so that was their come-uppance. I can see people wanting the family to be more deserving of their fate, but in a way, it gives it
more edge the way it is - I certainly expected Robbie to get away.

Caroline's foot? - well that's the start of the dramatic tension, and giving it a reason might just bloat things - I think it works as it is.

I got the connection with Kwatoko's eyes okay - I think visually that would come across fine, so I'd not worry about that too much.

The contrast between the set-up and the pay off works well, and pretty much all of what the old man says, Robbie's eye etc is revisited, so it's well referenced, and well laid out.

Got nothing against the ending either - it clears up what exactly happened to the family, so stuff is tied up.

Gripes-wise ... a bit difficult to say as there's a number of different ways this could have been done, but it's been given a good spin here ... but Kwatoko's dialogue on page five felt a bit chunky, maybe, so a visual on what he was pointing out might work?

Good entry though, and well handled.

Eric!! Great job man!

A great cheesy title and the old “deathly road trip” trope – looks like I’m in for some fun.

There isn’t much to write home about here. It started light-hearted but its obvious where it was going and as soon as Kwatoko mentioned the eagle (Thunderbird) I’m guessing everybody knew the direction this one is heading…

Don’t get me wrong though, the ending is a nice little twist even if it did fly over my head – how did the boy end up as a baby eagle? There are a couple of nice kills and the writing and dialogue was pretty strong so well done. I enjoyed this but found it rather predictable and lacking any real tension to be honest.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Thanks pale yellow! And thanks to everyone who took the time to read and review this. It’s very appreciated and I’m happy to see this went over well with quite a few of you .

So the first thing that popped into my head with this challenge was a Bigfoot story, but it seemed too straight forward so I did some research on Pacific Northwest myths and legends. Eventually I settled on the Thunderbird legend, but decided to keep the Bigfoot angle as misdirection. One reviewer noted that Kwatoko’s monologue seemed ‘copy and paste’. This isn’t surprising considering I was trying to fit all the relevant info from my research into as small a space as possible. I’ll have to give that part another pass.

I wanted to use real locations and chose Mount St. Helens after seeing that some of the legends had the bird living inside the mountain. It was only after investigating it with Google Maps that I noticed Ape Canyon and read of its place in Bigfoot lore. At the time it seemed so serendipitous to find a place that tied those two different elements together, that I chose it without looking back. I agree that the title is hokey. I chose it largely because I thought it aided in misdirection. As of right now I’m on the fence about it.

So to clarify some things: In my mind Kwatoko and the Giant Eagle are the same being (although as I wrote I was unsure of how obvious I wanted that to be). MarkRenshaw actually nailed a lot of this in his posts. Kwatoko’s initial advice is meant to keep the Turners away from his nest. Some thought he should’ve come on stronger, but I wanted to keep it so that he didn’t need to. James just sort of says ok and Robbie doesn’t hear or overrule the plan until after they leave. In my mind this was how Kwatoko/Eagle could be genuinely caught off guard by the Turner’s appearance, despite being aware of their interest in the area.

As far as the history of these birds, I figured they used to be fairly common and spread out, now they are nearly extinct. Besides Kwatoko and his egg there are probably only a small handful of others. So in my mind Kwatoko is acting in self-defense, not just of the egg, but of his entire species. No matter how powerful they are, they’re still vulnerable (especially when in human form and especially to disease). As for exactly what Robbie is at the end: I’d say a normal baby eagle. In my mind the egg would contain a future Thunderbird, whereas Robbie’s transformation is a sort of Thunderbird magic trick.

There’s also been the question of whether the Turners deserved (or should deserve) the fate they got. The earliest image that came to me for this story was of James’ death (and a giant Native American legend tearing through a US merchandising bastardization of itself). Once I had that, I figured I should make the Turners’ culpability in their situation mirror the average American’s (vis a vis the manifest destiny/near genocide on the Native Americans). To that effect I decided to make them likeable, but oblivious. Aside from being slightly insensitive, they don’t do anything wrong, but there is a general unawareness of the reality of their situation. In my mind Kwatoko had a lot more to lose than the Turners as it’s not just his ‘child’ being threatened. Once the Turners blunder onto his home, it’s his species that is at stake as well. So, for me, the question, “did the Turners deserve their fate?” should be closely followed by another question. Did the Turners deserve to be spared their fate? For me the answer to both questions is ‘No’.

Some things on the page undercut that.

First, I would’ve like to put Kwatoko’s nest in a more hidden out of the way place. I’m afraid its placement next to the road led some to believe that Kwatoko’s intention was always to kill these people (and that he’s killed many other people). My bad. Also a small trek through the forest would’ve allowed for some more “ominous gags” and possibly made the violent ending less jarring. Finally I’ll have to take another look at exactly how everything is set up and rework it for clarity.

But of course the worst mistake of all…

Quoted from bert Winnebagos already have a bathroom.

Argh!

Anyway, thank you all again for the input!

Congratulations to Eric Wall.  His script The Beast of Ape Canyon was selected by the OWC participating writers as the "Writer's Choice".

Hey Eric - congrats!!! Well done, & a great piece of work.

Congrats Eric!  :)

Congrats Eric!  My absolute fave of the bunch!!

Well done Eric

Mark

Good job on the selection, man. :)

Well done. I thought the double legend was a clever idea, good distraction.

Nice work. Congratulations Eric.

Congrats!

Congratulations, Eric!

Congrats, Eric!

Good job, Eric. Congrats!

Nice job, Eric.  I enjoyed this one.

An excellent choice! Congrats and well done Eric.

Oh wow. I go away for awhile and look what happens  :) Thanks again to everyone who read, reviewed and voted. There's a lot of talent on here and a lot of good entries. I definitely feel honored.

and thanks to Jeff for organizing a kick-a** challenge!