The Light by I - Short - A family struggles to cope with a child's discovery. - pdf, format 8)

The logline could use some flare, you might miss out on a few reads because of how bland it sounds.

Page 3 - "He ain’t going ’n die." Doesn't read well for me, I'd suggest just saying it normally.

The unlabelled flashbacks do get confusing at times, at least I think they're flashbacks? They certainly don't seem to reveal anything we don't already know -- or that we don't need to know.

Not a fan of the ending, you slowly build it up but it doesn't really lead anywhere. In the dialogue, you suggest that this is a family thing but why is Miles the first kid to step into the light? I mean really, why, after so much time didn't the father or the grandfather go inside. I just don't buy it, this quiet kid without much character IMO, would do such a thing when his family wouldn't.

I honestly would've preferred to see what happens, or at least get some glimpse or some kind of suggestion. Regardless though, this had a nice, almost surreal vibe to the script and I enjoyed that.

Grade: C+

Wait. Wait.  What?  What was that?  I....I'm so confused.

First, I'm saying this really didn't meet the challenge requirements in three ways:  (1) it really doesn't make any reference to the Pacific Northwest as far as I can tell, (2) it can't possibly be anything other than a PG-13 at most (mom drinking a lot of wine and she says "hell" a couple of times), and (3) we don't know whether what Miles is looking at is really something that can change the course of mankind.

As to the story itself:  It was way too clippy for my taste.  By that I mean the scenes all seemed to last 10-15 seconds at most and seemed to end before they were supposed to.

We don't get any real explanation as to why Robert has shown Miles the light, other than his father showed it to him when he was a kid.  But we don't know what the light is about, what happens when you go into the light, or why it has a mesmerizing, hypnotic effect on Miles.

It's also way too long into the story before we can any sense of what is happening.  In a short like this, we need to have some meat pretty quickly.  I don't feel like I even got an appetizer before the end.   The dialogue was also pretty spotty.  Some of it was okay, but a lot of it was pretty clunky.  Also quite a few grammatical and spelling errors.  I'm guessing this was pretty rushed in the writing to beat the deadline.

Sorry for the negative comments, but hopefully others got a better sense of this than me.

Grade: C-
Gary

Yeah, gotta agree with hawk.

I had no idea what was happening, what was meant to happen or why.

I didn't realise there was no violence or whatever till hawk mentioned it.

I think the writer had his idea there in front of him but couldn't nail it. Something is there I guess but it needs a big rewrite

As I go:

Not sure what it looks like to be "harassed," as a permanent state?

There's just absolutely no way a 10 year old can stop two adults from taking him away from a place. That doesn't sell. Shove the little guy in the SUV and get going, that's all there is to it.

Have they tried following him?

This mystery is growing tiresome, because it feels like the family are highly motivated but totally static. If there's a reason they can't do any of the obvious things -- take the kid away, follow the kid, etc -- I think we need to know that that reason exists.

This is the second script that seems to have confused the Pacific Northwest in 2013 with the American South in some older time period.

Thoughts:

So the story, as I gathered it, is an interesting one, I think, but the execution isn't really working for me. The mystery isn't revealed by action -- it's just revealed as people slowly reveal it, through expository dialogue. None of the characters create changes in the story's momentum in any way, except when Mom pressures Dad to go out and talk to Miles...but that's really just more exposition.

I also don't think the idea works without us understanding why Miles is different from his familial predecessors. The only criteria we're given is innocence, so, he's more innocent? But that doesn't really matter to us. What I think this story needs is an arc in which Miles proves himself -- shows the being and the audience why he's different.

I'm not digging this one, some of the above and some of my own.  I think the concept is there, but some elements are absent.  Your characters have desire, but they never move past them.  A desire should be the starting point of the structure.  An internal need is present, but is never revealed, which is not crowd pleaser.  Also, there is no self revelation - which is important because it reveals the theme.

Good job, a few diamonds in the rough.

Johnny

The light

As we go this appears to be non linear - losing me a touch but sometimes they get clearer as they go, let's seei I like Abby - she knows how to knock it back!!
P4 - Roberts place's'
P4 at the end of this page I'm not wholly sure what is going on. Robert took them to the woods, Miles goes weird, sees lights - that we know - and the mother is stuck in the cabin with lots of bottles of wine. Don't blame her.
What's a 'back- back'?

Ok, a simple, story. A mysterious light in the woods - like that - and a family obligation to return with the son.

The boy finds the light, alone it seems, goes night after night and drives the mother mad. The daughter is a bit passive.

Where the R rating ?

This comes across as a gentle drama caused by a family secret which divides them.  Whilst it is sensitively handled it may require a bit more punch. Shouldn't be too difficult to film though.

All the best.

INT. FOREST and INT. CABIN.
Another example: EXT. FOREST ROAD - DAY
The SUV sears along the forested road.

I know we only had a week, heck some of us only had 24 hrs but I feel a bit short changed with these slug headers considering that the Pacific Northwest locale is meant to be 'front and centre' of the script. You're not the only one, mind you...that element is just a little disappointing and I find I'm not engaging with the story so much.

Overall this one's just a little too 'lite' for me. I just didn't feel any great urgency or suspense or much drama either.  No major errors but just no major stakes either. Perhaps the deadline was looming?

Not for me this one.  I didn't mind the non-linear approach but it was the story itself that left me disappointed.

It had an opportunity to be a nice mystery, a slow burner but then there was no real pay-off at the end.  There was too much left unexplained, what was the light, what does it do to Miles and why is Abby letting this happen if she doesn't approve?

I also don't see this being an R rated movie

I think this story got lost in the forest.

Awkwardly written throughout.  No clue what's happening, as each scene is either out of order or it's an odd structure that I'm no following.  Dialogue isn't written well, nor does it sound believable.

I don't get any Pacific Northwest feel here.  Way to much dialogue.  Definitely not R rated.  Miraculous discovery?  No clue what was discovered.

Sorry, but this ain't for me.

Thanks for entering.

Not the most invigorating logline :P

sorry not R- rated maybe written by one the younger peeps.

I got confused all the way through and I don't think it fell under any of the parameters required besides a young boy.

Congrats on finishing though

Mark

There was a little mystery in this with the light. But it was a confusing read for me. Not much happened. I had to stop before I got through this one. Sorry. Good though for completing the owc.

It seems like this one was written in a hurry. Half the story made it to the page, the other half is still in the writer's head. Also, the bad grammar made it a little incomprehensible for me. Try reworking it some and try it again. There's a good story in there somewhere.

p.1 - ‘fast balding’.  Odd description.  Receding maybe? As for ‘harassed’ is he generally harassed or is it specific to the moment and how he enters the room?  No biggie, just stood out.

Felt like the story jumped back and forth with nothing to indicate the time-frame.  Though I could kind of keep up I had to go back and check locations to see where we were following on from.

p.4 - Miles’ sounds a little older than 10 here in his dialogue. Again on p.10 there were a few lines that stood out as sounding as if he was older.

Though it fell short on a number of the challenge requirements I actually kind of enjoyed this -- there’s a simplicity that worked to counter the more abstract back and forth and it was close to being one of those stories where I came away not minding too much that I didn’t ‘know’ exactly what was going on.  

I only wish I’d had a better understanding as to what the ‘light’ wanted with Miles (or with people in general) and why Robert would allow his son to go when neither he nor his father had done.  I’d also wonder how Abby would let it happen -- think she’d be a damn sight more protective.  

What stood out to me is the idea of a couple struggling to accept losing their son to this strange ‘light’.  It’s the human element that drives the story and although it would take a lot more by way of set-up to convince the reader that parents could freely allow their child to go, it’s where I think this story could really work.    

Steve.

Doesn't really hit on any of the challenges. You have a cabin in the woods but that could be just about anywhere in the world. The story itself felt like it was set in the past and for an R rating, well there wasn't one. More like a PG drama.

Interesting story though, a bit confusing at times but could be really good with a solid rewrite.

Congrats for finishing the OWC.

- Dirk

The writing here is sparse and minimalist -- challenging to read, but not impossible.  I had no trouble following this story, but failed to grasp the significance of the light.  Be it aliens or the afterlife or some other explanation, the story lacks punch without some sort of reveal.  Or at least a clue.

The author might argue that it is left up to interpretation, but I do not buy it in this instance.  I do not think the author knows, either.

Nellie is kind of a throwaway character here.  I think the intimacy of this story might be improved if she were jettisoned -- or if you keep her, she should be more involved in Miles' nocturnal adventures.  It would only make sense that Nellie would choose to follow Miles one night, and that could add another layer to this story.

Not a bad effort, really, but it needs a bit more, or it is quickly forgotten amongst these entries.

I’ll admit up front that I kind of like the idea of using the Light as an absolute MacGuffin; of offering zero explanation of it and just examining the emotional toll it takes on the characters. On that level this was intriguing.

I don’t think the character of Nellie is needed at all. Her character could be cut without effect.

Page 3 “Abby sets a bottle of wine on the table – fingers and thumbs, she breaks it open, tips some in a glass, some on the table”  This reads awkward. To me, it sort of sounds like she shattered the bottle head.

I don’t understand why they can’t take Miles away, and I especially don’t understand why they can’t keep him from getting lost in the woods every single night.

And it just struck me that we’re seeing random flashbacks every now and then. But they don’t reveal anything we don’t already know (and they aren’t labeled), so what’s the point.

This story seems to have a stubborn refusal to reveal anything about itself. I was hoping a character piece would take shape, but even when they are yelling at each other and in the middle of big moments, the script refuses to provide information that would allow me to make sense of it.

I’d be real interested in a rewrite that examines the relationship between father, son and the light (and why they’re so drawn to it). I’d also like a better feel for Abby and Robert’s relationship so that the end can have the poignancy it aims for. I think something really nice could come out of this. It’ll just take some digging.

Congratulations on getting a script in!

I like the mystery established early on and it’s good that we’re seeing the impact of it on the family. I also really liked the pay-off for it and the simple conclusion.

I got a bit puzzled by the cuts to the SUV, since I wasn’t clear where they were going or where they were coming from. Also, near the end it felt like they repeated themselves a bit, and thinking about it I guess I could say the same of some of the earlier scenes between the parents. I’d guess you could get a few pages out of this and it would work just the same.

I wasn't a fan of this one - the story lacked cohesion and was rather confusing for the first six pages. There seems to be flashbacks that have no relevance to the overall story, or at least didn't add much in terms of development.

Also, the writing and dialogue wasn't the best which just added to a muddled read I'm afraid to say.

The opening slugs weren't great - forest and cabin. I thought I was in for some cheap teen horror which may have been preferable really. The opening page only gave me a sense that was a lot of wood around: pinewoods, log cabin, oak furnished, logs in the fire, solid wood table.

What was with all the wine? Abby just comes across as clumsy, spilling it all over the place, while Nellie is underused and could be left out.

And after making it through to the end, it felt bland and unsatisfying.

I think this story needs to establish the family before they travel to the cabin or least on their to the cabin. You need the reader to care about them, right now it's impossible because we're not given enough to go on. Abby comes off as a drunk? Nellie - no idea? Robert - an uncaring father? and Miles - he likes the light? Show the family before Miles finds the light and how this event then changes them as a whole.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

reveal the writer came up quick! Thanks for the read everyone - I was planned on getting everyone else's read, but ... got usurped.

@Heretic - incisive comments there, they'll stay with me - the innocence bit, his father's afraid, so innocence was the only criteria.

@Reef & Bert - point about punch taken

@stevie - thanks - Abby had little choice, they weren't going to chain the boy up :)

@EWall433 - Well if anyone got it, you were up there. I like MacGuffin's too. They can take Miles away anytime they want, but it's about group compliance and that breaking down - the emotional toil, as you say. The stubbornness - is Miles, and part of the emotional toil is ignorance - if he refuses to say, then what are you left with?

I know this didn't work for every(any)one, but thanks for the reads :)

He’s fast balding, and harassed. --This description seemed awkward to me. Maybe reword?

You already have established that Miles is in the woods and the adults are in the cabin...but then there is this slug which seemed out of place. Or was it a flash or something?
EXT. FOREST ROAD - DAY
An SUV sweeps along the road - Miles’ head sticking out of
the passenger window - the wind billowing his hair.

Pg 4     MILES  To late to stop now.  -- Should be ‘Too’

Up until this point, Abbey has not been acting like a normal mother would if her child was out in the woods all alone. Especially with night setting in, she would be freaking out. They just talk about it at the table. Abbey’s not worried about him. Nellie isn’t worried much either.

Now at this point, I am a bit intrigued as to what the light is...something supernatural? It’s a mystery, which is good. So I read on...

Pg 4  Robert place his hand over the glass.  -- Should be ‘places’

Abby even tells Robert he isn’t acting like a father...yet she isn’t acting like a mother. And she goes on about the danger of him bringing them ‘there’ but we have no clue why it’s a danger or why they are there yet. Nor do we have a clue what the light is or what it means or represents.

Pg 6  a back-back  -- maybe a back pack?

Then Abby goes on about trust again and why he brought them there. This is what’s confusing to me. I know you have something coming and you probably do not want to ‘spill the beans’ yet but the reader needs more. At least, I, as a reader, need more clarity.

So I”m on page 9 and I’m still confused. There is a good thing about ‘mystery’ but when mystery becomes confusion it’s a problem for the reader. I love the mystery of the light, but as Robert follows Miles through the woods and tells him this light thing has been seen by him and his Grand Daddy...I want to know more.

Pg 10  In the b.g. -- what is a b.g.?

And at the end, I’m wondering why Miles went into the light. And once there, did he disappear? Go to another dimension? Is it alien? Supernatural? Is it death? I’m confused as to what the light was and why it was seen and experienced by Miles’ family.



Characters:
Protag I assume was Miles? But he doesn’t have any sort of goal. He doesn’t have anything pressing him or causing conflict. He isn’t up against anything really. I didn’t care enough for him to go on a journey with him.

Nellie, I assume was Miles’ sister, she was just sort of there. She made a comment at the table about was he gonna die out there, but she served no purpose really.

The parents...this was my biggest problem. Neither Abby nor Robert acted like normal parents would. There is a maternal instinct...and if a child is missing and he’s out in the woods, a mother would be very very concerned. The way Abby talks to her husband and about Miles does not give us this impression. Robert never tries to explain anything to his wife. She’s just left hanging. Also, at one point Robert tries to practically put the kid in the car, but he doesn’t get him in, then it’s as if Robert is pushing Miles to follow the light.

I honestly think this could be a really kewl story. I think it just needs some more time. I know the parameters were a bit hard. They were for me anyway. I’m not a very good reader as far as comprehension goes, so if I am reading a story that confuses me, I lose interest very fast. This could have been a ‘just me’ thing, because I really am not a very good reader.

It’s got potential. They all do. Now it’s time for our rewrites :) Sorry I didn’t give you more detailed notes during the owc. I was trying to read them all best I could. I am a newbie and feel like my notes rarely make any difference, so I try to keep my notes minimal.

As far as the parameters:
Setting Pacific Northwest - check
Rated R - didn’t meet
July 2013 - check
Child - check