Gazpacho Day by N - Short - A divorced father attempts to discover what happened to his daughter while alone in the Alaskan wilderness. - pdf, format 8)

This is written well. I loved the mystery. I still want to know more after reading it. This is my favorite so far.

As I go:

Mmmm, caribou...:)

Whoo! "Her mental state is exempt of free will." Yucky. How 'bout "She walks, zombie-like"? Or "blank-eyed"? And not to put too fine a point on it, but I think everyone's mental state is "exempt of free will." But now I'm being a jerk and will stop. Hahah.

I really like the gag with the land-mine but I think there's just a line of description missing, or something? Just like, "She steps off. The mine sits, dead." Or whatever.

Tons of super awkward description, but I'm just gonna say that and leave it from now on. I really like the story so far, though.

I was with you on the German, but you lost me after that with the...uh...Slovak, or something? Haha that's a shot in the dark. Or is that Russian? Something about Christ?

Thoughts:

So aliens cause a little girl to channel a variety of dead people until finally she channels her own grandmother to give Daddy the last motherly words he never thought he'd hear. That's what I'm getting here. Also, possibly she channels the captain of his brother's boat? But I can't figure out Gazpacho Day. Is that anything? That one is too obscure for me...or it's just fun weirdness.

Anyway, this was excellent. Just a classic, creepy alien tale with original presentation. Really enjoyed. Cannot wait to hear the author's thoughts on the mystery.

Title - can't see the relevance but I somewhat like it

Oh hello a first paragraph of eight lines. That's like a flashing light to us lot. It maybe unfair but it means the reader has started off thinking poorly of the story.

But lets see...

The pines and tall no matter how steep the mountains - doesn't really belong in a script - can't be seen on the screen, as you tell it, and besides doesn't really add anything.
Her mental state is exempt of free will - first off I don't know what this means, but again be careful of putting these in a script.
P2 - look at how lean this is. Your script should be like this.
P2 - don't have a mini slug under a main slug - you include it in the main slug

First line living room s awkward - keep things simple and clean

P3 you seem to have round the house - you don't need to. Keep to what we have to see.

P4 to be honest there is a lot to comment on one point here. If you are changing focus from a picture to the scene, then make it clear. Usually needs a seperate line, or an insert
P8 if they drive there how did the grl get there and back

The end did lose me a bit.

All the best

The writing here was excellent.  So visual and descriptive.  Too good to be wasted on a screenplay. In some places too much for a screenplay but lovely writing nonetheless.

I can't say that I totally understood this.  I wasn't sure who Gayla was channeling.  I liked that though.  Could really be creepy on screen especially when she was speaking German. The German thing was creepy immediately so I don't think you needed more than one bit of dialog on that.  

I liked that there were people, ghosts...whatever in that cave.  That was also eerie.  Maybe with a rewrite or a little expansion it will become more clear who or what they are.

I didn't like Daddy.  Maybe it's the mother in me but this kid seemed fucked up and he didn't care.  That bothered me.

I did enjoy this. Great idea for the challenge.  

Another solid effort here, but I have mixed feelings about it.  The opening note made me chuckle. I thought to myself, due to the summer solstice, this region has extended periods of low budget film making. Lol! No vampires in this, but I see why you did it.  Your writing style is confusing at times, I think you need to keep it simple.  The Russian followed by German was overkill.  Interesting title, but I really don't see what that had to do with the story, other than give you a sense that any motive can be inspired by something as simple as soup.  Wtf were those things in the cave?! I don't think this one is there yet, but with a good bowl of gazpacho, your rewrite should be a breeze.  Good job!

Johnny

I think I know who wrote this. Name starts with an S? It's eerie similar to a short I read a month or so ago. Maybe I'm wrong. Either way I really liked it. A fresh take on alien abduction with the mine field coming into play.

Nice visuals. Tight writing for the most part. Needs just a bit of a rewrite but overall just a great job! An early fave of mine. Congrats on finishing the OWC!

- Dirk

I don’t know how I feel about this one.

(Spoilers)

The whole, girl-starts-talking-like-she’s-possessed-by-a-demon, was creepy at first but only slightly raised my interest.

Reintroducing the land mine at the end, again, definitely clever but I feel like you could have had it last a bit more.

I wouldn't consider it poor but also not good either. Somewhere between fair and okay.

There are few potential elements that you could have really taken to another level: the possessed girl, the mine, the observers in the cave, etc. But you only scratched the surface and so everything in between was so bland I was not particularly satisfied. So the ideas that are strong need more depth, relevance, and attention.

- J.S.

Pretty shocked to see peeps saying the writing is good here, as IMO, it's far from it.

Highly doubt that Adak, Alaska is considered to be the Pacific Northwest.

The opening "NOTE" makes no sense.  If a region or area has a certain anomaly, it doesn't need to be mentioned in a note, as notes simply address something in the script, not the story.

An 8 line passage in which most of the sentences have no relationship - house, town, etc.

Next, a 5 liner, followed by 4 and 4.  Normally, I'd be out already, but I'll push on.

The writing is way overwritten - again, shocked how peeps have said how well this is written.  Unfilmables and pretty much what I'd call senseless lines are everywhere.  Am I reading the same script others are?

I have no idea what's going on and we're still on page 1.

I read page 2 and again, I'm clueless.  Many mistakes running around here and the writing itself (to me) is a mess.  I'm sorry, but I'm out on this one.

Thanks for entering.

Quoted from Dreamscale The writing is way overwritten

For gosh sakes, someone call the Irony Police!! ;D

Quoted from Heretic For gosh sakes, someone call the Irony Police!! ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Oooops!!!

There's something quite quirky and different in this tale but I had a lot of trouble getting into the 'story' and it was testing my patience after a while. It just didn't seem like a lot was going on over quite a few pages.

I'm guilty of overwriting but even I thnk this suffers from too much description and I don't want to offend but it seems a lot of the time you're going for 'clever' and it doesn't quite come off for me.

Examples:
'The cleanliness of the residence is a cluttered affair, some would interpret it as cozy.'
'Gayla begins to calm down, her rhetoric subsides.'
'Daddy’s loose screws begin to shake to the surface'

Hey, obviously some like this kind of thing and I think beneath all the 'overdone'ness' you are a good writer. I just also think sometimes simple is best.

This one seems to ramp up at the end but sorry, overall I couldn't last the distance.

"Her mental state is exempt of free will." I have no clue what that means, and how one can see her 'mental state', regardless of whether this was being filmed or not. Most of the writing so far doesn't progress the story at all, and the huge blocks of paragraphs don't help anyone with the script.

"she has reached a height that most men wouldn’t dare." What? Took me a good moment to understand what you meant here.

I'll stop focusing on the writing for now, but there's just too much of it at the moment.

"His movements are within masculine regs, but feminine enough to ask the question." Scratch my comment above. Honestly, I have no clue how that sentence works, like, I feel as if this is a line I'd read in a pisstake. Just does not work for me, his movements are feminine enough to ask questions? Really? His movements? Anyway, let's continue...

That next line doesn't sound feminine to me at all.

"Dust particles and smoke dance in the sun rays from the pinholes of a drawn shade." I see no need for this. Why not just start in the bedroom and just go from there? I get you're trying to set a nice filmic aura but unless you've got a 10k budget, nobody would want to film an extra 4 scenes of a house which do nothing to the story.

"Daddy’s got the kind of face that looks like he’s been tortured before and slightly enjoyed it." Come on now, there is no way a face can show this. Does he have like scars over his face, and perhaps some writing over his forehead that reads "I was tortured, and I enjoyed it".

Currently, I'm six pages in and I've only seen two things. Firstly, that the girl was at the tower and secondly, that she faints in front of her father. I honestly think we can achieve this in 1 page.

"Gayla begins to have a seizure behind him." I suggest putting this after the blood drips from her and after her eyes roll back. It just gives it more effect.

Tried to translate the German dialogue in a translator, came out with gibberish, which luckily, is a good thing. Translators generally tend to have horrendous grammar so I'm glad you put some research into this.

On page 10, have we been watching this all from the Mountain Side? Really need to fix that.

Finished.

Not sure about this one, a little bit too out there but at least it's original. There's a good vibe through the script and I like that. Maybe not the best script I've read so far but it was definitely refreshing.

The writing wasn't very good I'm afraid, like Jeff, I'm incredibly surprised that some people said that is well written. Flowery prose tends to trick people into thinking the writing is amazing, when in reality, it's just a cheap way to make the script look good. I don't see anything nice about the writing unfortunately.

Grade: C

I think there's potentially a good story here but it gets lost at times because of overwriting, confusing phrases and repetition. I'm guessing the girl's encounter with the creatures or maybe the old military location (and radio frequency) has made her a vessel for the dead to communicate. That's the only way I could make sense of it and it tied in with Daddy's opening phone conversation about his brother and mother.

I think this could easily be cut down to about 6-7 pages if a lot of the filler was cut out, probably even less. Why see Daddy and Gayla walk to the truck, stop and chat to Bluebeard before getting to cave? Why have him talking to the Doctor if it doesn't come into play? Here's an example of repetition that really spoilt a great use of visual writing (if you meant it that way?)

Daddy asks Gayla "Did (the) hurt you?" Should have been "they" a few typos and missing words were running around but that's expected in a OWC.

Her reaction: "Gayla tugs her shirt toward her feet."

Now, that to me says a lot and is quite a powerful image. You've done a great job and Gayla asking her father "Do you still love me?" Excellent but then...

He goes on to repeat the question "Did they hurt you?" and Gayla cries and there is something about his loose screw. It's unnecessary and ruined a good moment in your story for me. Now, I could of misinterpreted this scene and that's not unusual but there's still a lesson to be learnt - maybe just for me if anything.

On the other hand, when you've mentioned something in the dialogue, it doesn't need to be told to us again in the action, for example:

Daddy states "Dammit, I forgot the ice cream." You then have this in the next action line:

Before he leaves (to go get the ice cream,) he notices the doodle. No need for this line, it's obvious from the dialogue what he's about to do. All this did was create a pesky orphan that will make Jeff hot under the collar. ;D

It's promising but it needs some focus and clarity as I'm not even sure if I got the meaning behind it.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Unfortunately I wasn’t able to process this story and it’s overwritten to boot (the second paragraph is 8 lines long.

There was a decent attempt to build atmosphere and some other touches that made me smile (I wish Beard and Moustache had more face time  ;)),  but overall it just wasn’t my thing.

Congrats on completing it for the challenge though!

The mystery of this was solid and I really liked the original aspect of the way she was possessed near the end.

However, I also felt that the read was quite heavy going in places and I’d have liked to see her unusual form of possession pay-off a bit more specifically rather than just being a clever device.

In a word, creepy.  While the story didn’t quite add up as a whole I did get a kick out of its parts.  The opening build-up with the landmine/countdown was suitably tense.  The phone scene with Daddy was oddly engaging; though I think it could have incorporated Gayla’s appearance and collapse without the scene change.

p.7 -- slightly puzzled by Daddy’s line: ‘Stay off those bluff trails...’ etc.  I got the impression he’s part of the military stationed here or something along those lines?

What was Daddy planning on doing once he found the ‘people’ that hurt her?  Seems like he’s just putting Gayla in more danger; not to mention the distress of taking her up there again -- though perhaps I’m missing the spirit of things...

Felt the ending lost a degree of impact given that we’d seen Gayla visit the cave and already have a basic understanding of what’s lurking inside.  It’s one thing to have Daddy step on the mine; but unless the threat to Gayla is somehow greater than before (if not more defined) it repeats the opening scene and Daddy wasn’t there to protect her then either.  

Writing wise it felt rushed in places -- which given the time constraints was no doubt a factor.  Some of the descriptions were hit and miss -- ‘...feminine enough to ask the question...’ made me chuckle, even if it didn’t have any bearing on the plot.

Wouldn’t mind seeing this one cleaned up and worked over.

Steve.

Another one I selected to read first because of the title.  It piqued my attention.

The effort was there.  An interesting idea.  Suspense was there.  Even an intriguing story was there.  But ultimately, I ended up a little lost as to what exactly was going on, and don't really understand what ended up happening.  But I am looking forward to hearing from the author as to what his thoughts were and an explanation of the story.

Adak, Alaska.  Well, it IS in the Pacific, right.  And as for Northwest, it's got to be the most EXTREME EXTREME northwest U.S., right?

The writing was too novelistic, even by my standards, and I don't mind over-flowery descriptions.  But some of the prose went overboard even for my tastes.

Overall, an admirable try, but fails at the end.  I still want to know what happens, though.

- Mark

At first, I thought this was a pisser because of the first 8 lines of description until I read the first couple of comments, which took it seriously. So I trudged on. I'm pretty glad I did.

Like the others, I agree that you overwrote this thing like CRAZY. Script descriptions aren't the same as prose. I've always imagined the language of script descriptions to sound as if this witty, hot-shot writer is pitching the thing to producers/execs. It's quick, snappy, and keeps a quick rhythm going, even when it's slow.

Some of your transition scenes weren't really necessary. Using a metaphor or two in an entire script isn't too bad, but every single line weighs a script down. Adjectives do just fine, most of the time. Fortunately, you kept things focused and there was still hope for getting through it and reaching the end.

I REALLY liked what happened, but the logic of the events is lacking if not non-existent. Typically, stepping on a land-mine means the end of a character. Since Gayla is alive in the next scene, obviously it was a dud or it did more than obliterate her. Also, the mine's proximity to the beings seems to infer that it belongs to them or they're using it for something. This is never explained. Is that how Gayla began to receive the radio signals? Why did these beings want her to do that? So her dad could hear the dying words of his mother? If that's the case, then why did they snatch her after she fulfilled her purpose? What was the purpose of the random numbers on the radio?

Gazpacho Day seemed like a forced way of making the title seem relevant.

I'm with the others...it was really cool when she started repeating the old German transmissions while they were on an old military base, but it seemed to lead up to something more significant than it did. Something that might've actually could've changed humanity.

Work out the logic and rewrite this thing. It'll be pretty good in a draft or two.

Hmmm...not sure with this one?

I think there's a decent story somewhere but I can't find it.  

This was overwritten to the point where I became a bit lost.  There are some nice visuals and some good scenes, like the bedroom scene which suggests something awful happened to Gayla but then it's not really explained.

The German dialogue was a cool effect and very spooky but I wanted to know what she was actually saying...she could have been talking about sweeties and rainbows for all I know lol.

Overall, I kind of enjoyed this but was left ultimately disappointed.

I found this a clunky and frustrating read from the get go. The action descriptions were passive and the sheer weight of them, didn't lend to showing us where we were or establishing a proper setting on page one, which was a pitty, as a good edit would have made this far more streamlined.

This looks like an effort from someone who is well read but is new to screenwriting.

Things like' unsecured barbed-wire fence' just made no sense as I was reading them.

RADIO FREQUENCY ? Odd choice of words - just say a voice over a PA system or loudspeaker - radio frequencies don't just start speaking out of thin air. you also need a VO when a character is present but speaks or any dialouge has to be mechanically reproduced.

How can you show a landmine in weeded snow?! You could use a SOUND and show or reaction, or something similar . . .

By page 3 I'm afraid to say I was lost

I thought I was reading a novel in the first few pages... although nicely wrote, it just felt like you were trying too hard with your actions/descriptions.

The dialogue was pretty good and story was nicely set up...

You just need to tone it down with the rewrite and you'll have a nice short.

Congrats on entering

Mark

Like others have said, this is way too wordy and I think the wordiness doesn't help the story.
Better to cut to the chase.

The story doesn't quite click.  It has that TZ/Outer Limits/One Step Beyond feel, but the irony or twist fell flat.
What I liked:  the kid reciting or repeating words from the past.  Would work better to integrate these vague messages between moments of Gayla's clarity.
Build the story on the messages becoming more frequent and urgent.
The daughter is a receptor and it’s leading the dad toward…?

I liked the German accent, but incorporate some English into the dialogue.
Just enough so we can pick up what is being said. Keep the tension going.
The land mine has to work better at the end.  The end destruction has to better tie in with the radio messages.  I was thinking that Gayla was repeating a message by German officers(?) about some mysterious discovery or creation. Something that might have turned the tide of WWII, had it reached its destination.
The alien thing added a little bit of intrigue, but for me raises more questions. As another writer pointed out, why did the Black Creatures snatch the girl at the end.  Just so dad can release his foot from the mine and blow this story to He**?  I don’t think so.

Maybe Gayla is a ghost.  Maybe her spirit came back to warn the dad of something.  The father is repeating the actions of his daughter at the entrance of the cave, right down to the land mine.  So… ?
Or maybe she led him to his doom.   Dad sure isn't a good father, letting his little girl roam around. A cautionary tale maybe??  Fix the confusion and it might fire.

I followed as close as I could in the brief read and did enjoy this girl being possessed. But somewhere along the read I fell off the bluff trails, and couldn’t get back up.  

To all, thanks for reading and taking the time to chop!

I wanted to say a few words  ;D about the writing.  My intention was genuine and I didn't want anyone to feel like I'm tricking you into thinking I'm more of a writer.  As Jeff pointed out, it's not good and I completely agree.  The problem I am currently in is I don't know how to properly command a sentence; furthermore, I mix visual subjects, interrupting the flow of the plot.  My apologies for that.

@ Heritic - you pretty much nailed the story on the kitchen sink! Lol! Kudos, I'm surprised you picked up on it through the hot mess.

The theme of this was inspired motive.  Could a mother's last words inspire a man to be something he isn't?  Could a boy be inspired to go to war, even though he may or may not know what's at stake?  Could the crucifixion of Jesus Christ inspire aliens to visit for forgiveness? (Russian).  Could a captain be inspired to go to war from a bowl if spicy goodness?  Could a father be inspired to sacrifice his life through a message from the grave?

The German message was a speech by Hitler, in case anyone was wondering.

I kind of thrown a lot of ideas into this and it should have had a better presentation, but I'll work hard to give it another shot.  Thanks everyone for the awesome feedback!

Johnny

So there was a real abandoned army base in Adak?

Quoted from DanBall So there was a real abandoned army base in Adak?

Yes, the entire island was once a operational US military base that included: barracks, chow hall, a restricted military zone with expended ordinance on the ground, abandoned homes with portions ripped out, and even an empty McDonald's.  Sucks too because I could have really gone for a Quarter Pounder when I got there.  The US gov decided to shut it down and get the hell out.  

It was hands down one of the most inspirational, yet creepy locations I have been to.

I mentioned in my review that you write beautifully.  Writing that is lost on screenplays and ends up bogging them down.  I hope you write stories also.  If you don't you should.  That's where it will shine.

I live by an old, shut down Army base where there's a satellite.  I drove passed it the other day and thought of your story.  

Hey Johnny, just wanted to throw out that you are a good writer and I know you're going to be a much better writer very soon.  You have the perfect attitude, the will to get better, and the ability to see and accept your weaknesses.

This is a very ambitious effort and that has alot to do with it being hard to understand.

Never give in and never, ever give up.  You'll get there, bro!

Quoted from mmmarnie I mentioned in my review that you write beautifully.  Writing that is lost on screenplays and ends up bogging them down.  I hope you write stories also.  If you don't you should.  That's where it will shine. I live by an old, shut down Army base where there's a satellite.  I drove passed it the other day and thought of your story.

Far out!  I'm thrilled that you thought of my work when you seen it, kinda reflects the theme in ways.  Thank you for the kind words about the writing.  I've pondered writing in other forums, but ever since I was a kid, I'd imagine everything I see like a movie.  Weird, eh?

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey Johnny, just wanted to throw out that you are a good writer and I know you're going to be a much better writer very soon.  You have the perfect attitude, the will to get better, and the ability to see and accept your weaknesses. This is a very ambitious effort and that has alot to do with it being hard to understand. Never give in and never, ever give up.  You'll get there, bro!

Hey man, you really went out of your way to show me (and not tell me) what was up.  I think I owe you a six pack now, lol!  The way I see this, it feels more like an algebra equation than writing, but over time I think I can break it into a slick flow.

Johnny