The Breath of The Past by R - Short, Adventure - A young girl working on her father's archaeological dig in Washington state comes face to face with history itself   11 pages - pdf, format 8)

As I go:

This is the tiniest of quibbles, in one sense, but I'll go for it. In David's first line, he says "who's finally woken," which struck me as suggesting something about his character -- he speaks "well," like a highly educated person who takes some enjoyment from speaking in a manner befitting their education. So it bumped me ever so slightly, on page 2, when he said "get some food off Smithy," because I didn't expect that lazy sort of vernacular from him.

Random thought: would it be more dynamic to start this flick in the trailer with Elly, maybe brushing her teeth or whatever, and then have her walk out and reveal the expansive hustle and bustle of the camp?

I find Elly talking to herself to be a little weird. Excessively adult. Maybe it's the phrasing -- "Bones, yes." I don't think so, though; it's just really unmotivated. She's sitting there eating, and then just suddenly starts explaining her own thoughts to herself out loud?

The pacing of this script is good.

Definitely not digging any of Elly's dialogue to herself. I sympathize, though, with the need for something...

For example, her big line on page 5 could just be:

"ELLY
Paleo...Indians?

She pinches herself."

Love that she pinches herself, by the way.

The David/Curtis dialogue when the see the cat is notta so good. Lacks urgency.

Do not buy at all that neither the Paleoamericans nor the diggers try to communicate with each other. This moment seems to miss a lot of the sense of wonder it should have. Fuck Tanya and her arm...there are a bunch of people here from thousands of years ago!

Great ending gag.

Thoughts:

I liked the story, but I do think that the moment of contact between the people of two different eras could have been huge and instead was more or less ignored. As well, lots of the dialogue here was extremely questionable, for me, beginning with but not limited to Elly talking to herself. I did like the relationship between Elly and her father at the beginning, though, and she was endearingly dedicated to her work, definitely.

I think there's a lot of room here to cut down dialogue and build up the key moment that I'm so set on. It could be like the end of Close Encounters, really. But I really like the end of this one. And, pleasantly different from lots of the others.

page 1

the people already digging.... Missing an "are"

Oh, lordy. Was that a...a sabretoothed cat?... not realistic dialogue if I just saw a sabretoothed tiger jump through a mystical portal.

Indians? But...primitive ones.
Paleo-Indians? I don't know what
is going on here.
(beat)
Maybe I'm dreaming this? Maybe
I'll wake up soon and be sitting
over there having my rest..... same again, she seems to take it all in stride

ELLY
Daddy! I just...what's happening?
They came from nowhere.... she knows what's happening, she was gonna warn them..

CURTIS
God, are we talking some kind of
'lost world' scenario here?
That's not even w_        I guess you mean dashes -- as in interrupting speech

Not really for me, it was ok.

The dialogue was pretty unrealistic and some descriptions/actions were poor... but remember it is an OWC so mistakes happen and so do rewrites.

either way congrats on entering

Mark

The breadth of the past

Title - not sure what to make of that

Later sees, to be double spaced, you only need a single
Did ellie really say 'oh Lordy' to a sabre toothed cat?
P7 the portal has opened and out comes the cat - no reson gives no foreshadowing that I could see

I liked the idea of the past connecting with a dig, that fits, but it seemed to arise for no reason (eg legend, find) and the ending was a little placid. The water rushing a them is a cliff hanger but I'm not sure we are invested enough.

Needs a little focus for me.

Page 4 - Do people even talk to themselves to reveal what they've learnt? Wow.

Page 5 - "Oh, lordy. Was that a...a sabretoothed cat?" I for one would shit my pants if I saw a tiger jumping out of a portal, let alone a saber toothed cat. Her reaction seems strangely calm.

"Indians? But...primitive ones.
Paleo-Indians? I don't know what
is going on here."  ;D Neither do I! It sounds like a line out of a cartoon targeted at 3 year olds. I get the feeling you might've been in a rush since most of the dialogue doesn't work at all.

And the new few lines of dialogue don't help either...

Finished.

Well, the story's not as poor as some of the other entries but unfortunately, the dialogue is. Needs a huge clean up, almost 50% of the lines feel like they're taken out of The Room. It's a shame too because I can see a lot of research went into this. And I like the ending, I think it works perfectly. There were just some pacing issues, the characters could use a little more flare and the dialogue was horrendous but besides that, this was sound.

Grade: C

Ok, I won't mention the line of dialogue that's already been mentioned, but I ain't just going with the crowd here - had it lined up to comment on and then saw it already had been noted...so a few awkward lines of dialogue but overall I think you handled this story quite deftly, especially the action sequences - they're not easy to write.

Very nice overall and a quick easy read, interesting locale, and a quite different 'adventure' story. Well done.

Libby

The archaeological dig was the idea I thought everyone would come up with. There isn’t a problem with that though as long as you come up with a good twist on the concept and execute it well and this is a decent effort but needs work in my opinion.

I instantly liked David and Elly. You managed to convey an intelligent child, her father and the love they have in a very short space of time and it felt very natural.

I think you are being a bit too precise in your action E.G. “It's about a hundred and
fifty yards from the main site, with a few trees in between” – Do you really need to be so specific? If not, simplify, make it more generic.

You also describe things we can’t see like, “She stands up, hoping to catch a breeze from somewhere” or use descriptions more suited for a novel like “It looks shockingly bright red against the tan of the dirt.” You can trim the superfluous and leave those elements for the actors, Director and cinematographer to play around with.

As it is your action sections can read too long. You should keep them three to four lines at the most to make it easier to read and help set the pacing. Saying that the fight scene was good, I had no trouble visualising the action, it just needs tightening.

Elly’s initial reaction to the creature and people emerging from the time portal is odd to say the least. She does a running commentary for us and it felt like it was being done just for us. It felt forced and unnatural.

The ending though. Sigh, everyone dies. We know they can’t run away from what’s coming, maybe have them find a way to power it off before the water reaches them? Or have them stand behind the portal trying to shut it off while the water is streaming through. The visuals on that would be superb! Then they shut it off and find something or someone is left behind, trapped in our time. Just an idea!

But this is good! Just needs some work.

This was a creative effort, that was hampered by OTT dialouge. This could easily be corrected in another pass. Relevant information was revealed as exposition, which could have been shown in a more organic fashion.

Some of it seemed cheesy for the sake of it, not sure if that was intentional or not.

Elly, an interesting character - her dialouge COULD be believable IF she had Aspergers etc, maybe this is an angle worth exploring.

The start needs to be stronger.

A very quick read that met most of the criteria.

Eoin

I wasn't really into this concept. I think it could've been better if there was more conflict between the people at the dig and the Indians. The dialogue in this needs work in my opinion, and you could trim a lot of this down.

Good job completing the  OWC.

OK, this review will be a bit different, because I happen to know who the writer is and although I always try not to let that influence my thoughts, it often does.

I've read through the feedback and am surprised how varied it is. Usually, feedback is pretty constant - either good or bad, but here it seems to be both.  I actually understand why on this entry, as there are some very good things and some...let's say, not so good things.

I'm going to throw some thoughts out in no particular order, some being positives and some not so positive.

I haven't been to Newman Lake, but I did look it up and see that it's not very remote, and peeps actually live in the area on a permanent basis - which is an issue for me, as it just doesn't seem like a place where an archeological dig would be going on, although I could be very wrong in this assessment.

The spacing of the actual SUPER appears to be wrong - too many lines above and below, make it stand out oddly.

I really like both Elly and her Dad. Both seem to have real character and I always appreciate that and I rarely see it in scripts.  Good job!

Like others, I have many issues with the dialogue.  Elly's talking to herself is a major problem and some of the actual conversations are indeed way on the old nose to the point where some feel like comedy or pisstake.  Just way too much exposition given out in dialogue.  I know, it can be tough to get certain points across that you want to be clear, but there are ways around this and I know this script would really benefit from some thinking and time to alleviate this issue.

There are several instances where you use the Mini Slug "LATER" incorrectly, because you use it, then you also use a Slug right underneath it.

I am totally impressed with the level of research that went into this.  It totally shows, is totally appreciated, and really elevates the script, because it rings true in many ways.

I'm not as impressed with the level of description given to the actual area this takes place in.  Maybe just a few lines in total here and there would really make this sing and pop, visually.

Another thing about the dialogue is the use of ellipses.  Don't get me wrong...I enjoy them in their place and use them quite often, but I think you went a little overboard here.  I think if you reread this a few times, you'll see what I'm saying.

I think you wasted some valuable space by writing about things that have no purpose.  You did cram alot in here, but the "good stuff" feels rushed, and that's probably because you ran out of room or time, although you did have an extra page to go still.  Stuff like the food and water when David leaves Elly at the 2nd dig site.  All in all, I bet this inclusion cost you some 10 lines at least, and there's no reason for it being in here.  Some other unimportant things in here as well - I think your 11 pages could easily be rewritten at about 9, meaning, I think you had an additional 3 pages to add, if you wanted to.

I really like the concept, but as written, it comes out of nowhere and for me, that's an issue.  You could actually take care of this rather easily with a few lines of dialogue that something odd had been discovered, or have Elly do something to make it happen.  What?  Not sure, but I think you need some kind of cause/reason for the time portal.

The big action scenes are OK, but they left me wanting more - more action, more death, more possibilities for such an amazing discovery with the Indians.

I really liked the stuff about the geo-sensors stuff.  Again, it showed great research and attention to detail.  maybe more of this kind of stuff wold help explain exactly what's going on and possibly why.

I really enjoyed the finale reveal, but as said above and by others, the dialogue that leads up to it, kind of ruins the power and potential.

Finally, and this is just a thought, considering the size of the portal, the flood would only be able to spew out the portal's size of water, meaning, although it would definitely be a big problem, it wouldn't be like a flood is hitting all at once, know what I'm saying.  I think it would actually work better if the flood hits while everyone is asleep.

Al in all, though, I definitely liked this one, and the main reasons are twofold - I'll remember the characters and I'll remember the story, as both are unique.

Great effort!

I thought it was great that you used a dig site for the story. It was nice to see something other than the woods for your OWC as so many others have choose to use that location to death, including yours truly.  I liked the time portal idea but I feel you failed to capture more with it. I would have loved to see more with the Indians and David's group.

The dialogue was hit and miss for me. Felt a tad forced by Elly at times. The story itself was fun and I digged it. Pretty cool. Just need a good rewrite.

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk

Interesting location, definitely stands out.

Seemed like a wasted opportunity not to have Elly turn up something in the dig preempting the portal’s discovery.  Why not link the two together, rather than having this doorway to the past just appear?  Or have I missed something here?

I did wonder if this could have worked without the Sabre-tooth and instead just have the Paleo-Indians come through the portal as they try to escape the flood.  A bewildered exchange between everyone and then they take off into the forest...  Just a thought.  

Surprised they analysed the rock first, then went to find the portal...

The execution wasn’t quite there for me. But it did meet the criteria of the challenge which is more than I can probably say for mine.

Steve.

For me, this one really had potential.  A time portal appears at a dig site that unleashes prehistoric animals and Indians 13,000 years old.  Interesting concept.  Unfortunately, I feel like the others, the dialogue was a bit of a drag.  Seemed to need more of a sense of urgency.  This was more like an after-school special.

I think there needed to be more of a set-up on how the time portal appeared.  Was it because Elly dug something up, or disturbed something?  It just seemed odd that it suddenly showed up, but I might have missed something.

Some of the formatting was a little weird.  You had something happening, then you'd triple space and type "LATER" and then triple space again.  You do the same thing with your SUPER.  No need to do that.  Your slugs should tell the time frame, and if you do have a SUPER, you shouldn't triple space afterwards.

The reactions--not just by Elly, but by everyone--to the Indians and the tiger, were baffling.  That was a shit your pants moment, and they all treated it like a mountain lion had raced through the camp (albeit a killer mountain lion).

The finale really was foreshadowed at least twice and again, David's reaction is like: you know what?  We had better run fast.  Need more of a freak out moment from him.

Overall a decent effort, but the dialogue needs some work.  Congrats on getting this done!

Grade: C+

Gary

A lot of extra spacing there on the first page…

Elly sounds older than 10 to me.

Also, when you write Elly LAUGHS, it gives the impression that she laughs heartedly. That sort of seems out of place. Does she chuckle? Maybe another word for LAUGHS would work better?

Page 2.  I have to tell you that I totally hate when kids come across as smartasses that know more than the adults. IMHO, Elly does not only not sound like a 10 year old, she sounds like a smartass/bitch too. I'm sort of disliking her to be honest. IMHO, kids come off as more believable and likable if they ask smart questions than rattle off smart answers as if they were idiot savants.

On page 4 now and Elly has been a lot more likable than she was in the very beginning. At least now, she seems like the right age.

She stands up hoping to catch a breeze? Tell us what we see, not what the character thinks.

Funny, as I was reading about the portal, Stargate is on the TV in the background!!!

Page 5.  Not real crazy about Elly talking to herself here.

Page 6. Some of those descriptions could be tightened up so we the readers can feel the action and terror.

Page 7. One of my pet peeves. A WOMEN!!!!!  Women is plural. Woman is singular!

Try to tighten some of the action descriptions here. The writing is blocky and slows the read when action needs to read faster and not slower in order for the reader to feel it.

Try to keep action paragraphs to no more than 4 lines. You want this to read quick and action packed. Keep the slower pace to more dramatic and romance type scenes.

Page 8. Who is Tanya? Did I miss something?

Page 11.  Hahahaha! You even mention Stargate!!! How weird is that?????

I liked this one. I did have some issues with it, but I liked the story over all. Tighten up your over writing and make Elly less of a cliche commercial kid where she knows better than all the adults and you're good! \\Well done!!  :)

I like the mythology of this. It is a cool variation on the time portal thing. Also, there’s something easy to like about the lead girl and her enthusiasm.

At the same time though, this gets slowed down quite a bit by heavy blocks of exposition and some clunky dialogue. Also, the description gets a bit thick in places.

Have to agree with the majority on this one - nicely structured overall, some good cutting between Elly being in danger and David being quite relaxed.

The Sabre-tooth felt like it was the climax a  bit, so there was a bit of a lull after that - might work if that and the real climax were brought a little closer together?

It did feel like Elly should have had a little buddy or something for her dialogue in the ditch.

Apart from that, a decent piece of work, with the story being stronger than the writing.

I was into this until Elly started talking to herself.  It comes across as hokey IMO since people don't normally have full conversations with themselves out loud.  

On page 8 you have a paragraph where the Indians cut down tree branches and make a device to carry a lion and Indian.  These guys might be fast but it's still going to be time consuming and to write it like you did throws off the pacing IMO.

The discovery of the portal was very abrupt.  I had to go back and reread because I thought I missed something.  Nothing seemed to bring it on, it was just suddenly there.

A lot of the dialog here is expositional and a little flat.  Dialog is something I struggle with as well.  It needs to not only come across as natural, not forced, but it needs to grab you.  

Cool idea for the challenge and good job completing it in such a short time but I think it could use some more work.  

Lots of exposition at the start, most of it irrelevant. Elly talking to herself is a sticking point, it just doesn't happen, not whole conversations like that. There's also no emotion in the dialogue, it's all very cut and dry. You probably lost half a page with the spacing problems around your headers.

The portal suddenly appears just as she's there, and just at the right time for the ending to happen. It's a weak premise, I don't buy it.  It could work better if the entire reason they're there is to learn about the flood, study the effects it had on the land, imagine what would happen if the same thing happened today. Then it's a proper setup for the reveal at the end.

On the plus side, you have some great descriptions even if they are a bit wordy. Good action sequences, and imaginative use of the Paleo-Indians. I like that they didn't really react to the present day people, just curious about them, and thanks for not telling us what they say to each other, it's a nice touch that maintains the mystery and suspense.

Good job finishing the OWC.

Interesting premise, nice execution. The writing--dialogue and descriptions--were a little tough to digest. The dialogue between Elly and David was really forced and I didn't really buy it as being realistic. It was too cutesy. The descriptions were brief, but I think you could still cut out more by using broader actions. Instead of describing in a whole paragraph each move that the tiger made when it killed the Indian, just say it killed an Indian in a sentence.

But yeah, I really like this concept. Not many people went this direction, so it's neat.

Quoted from DanBall Instead of describing in a whole paragraph each move that the tiger made when it killed the Indian, just say it killed an Indian in a sentence.

Have to really disagree with this comment...to the point that I felt it important to respond.

Although the writing is not perfect here, there are many examples of the writer writing visually...and that's what it's all about.

If you're serious when you say, "just say it (the tiger) killed an Indian in a (one) sentence (and move on)", you're completely incorrect, and that's poor advice, IMO.

Just saying...

Quoted from Dreamscale Have to really disagree with this comment...to the point that I felt it important to respond. Although the writing is not perfect here, there are many examples of the writer writing visually...and that's what it's all about. If you're serious when you say, "just say it (the tiger) killed an Indian in a (one) sentence (and move on)", you're completely incorrect, and that's poor advice, IMO. Just saying...

I could see it being okay if it's only done at crucial moments, but it gets a bit tedious when every single sentence of description is like that. It slows down the read and bogs down the experience. Maybe it's just me, but I get lost easily in a sea of adverbs.

I really enjoyed the concept behind this one and thought the story was structured well. I liked the escalation of threat from something horrible, but manageable to something completely devastating.

The character reactions to these events however, seems understated to the point of being a bit humerous. The characters are set up pretty well in the beginning, but their emotions just didn’t seem to rise to the intensity of the action around them.

I also agree that an opportunity was missed by not having the archeologists try to communicate with the Indians. Perhaps the Indians could come first, attempt to communicate, but have all hell break loose instead.

Overall a solid entry, I thought. Congrats on getting it in.

Quoted from Dreamscale Have to really disagree with this comment...to the point that I felt it important to respond. Although the writing is not perfect here, there are many examples of the writer writing visually...and that's what it's all about. If you're serious when you say, "just say it (the tiger) killed an Indian in a (one) sentence (and move on)", you're completely incorrect, and that's poor advice, IMO. Just saying...

Just wanted to point out that the animal involved is not a tiger. It's a sabretooth cat. Ove rather years in movies and books, somehow the animal was dubbed a 'sabre tooth tiger' prolly cos it sounded 'cooler'.

Wow Stevie, this was yours! Thought you handled the action in this admirably.

Quoted from LC Wow Stevie, this was yours! Thought you handled the action in this admirably.

Hey thanks Lib! I'm pretty sure I liked yours. Will re-read it.

The toughest part of this challenge was indeed, including enough violence and/or sex to give it an R rating (which is the equivalent of MA over here).

I never felt in my comfy zone writing the scenes where the cat attacks people but that was the only way I get it done.

A few people have commented about Elly's dialogue. I personally didn't think it was that bad or else I would never have used it. Just remember, she's a confident, headstrong girl. She goes on digs with her professor dad. She ain't some little precious thing. Seeing the prehistoric and animal and people appear out of nowhere wasnt scary to her - it was wonderful and interesting.

All the places and historical events used here are real and happened. I did an incredible amount of research on this. One time I spent an hour trying to find a small reptile from the area 13000 years before now. I finally found a Red Panda. That originally came through by itself and followed Elly around before the other stuff. But it took up a load of page space so I canned it, then had the idea of the sabretooth cat and Indians.

Anyway, thanks to all who read it and kind reviews! If I missed anyone's entry, let me know and I will re-read and comment.

Cheers to buddy Jeff again for a great concept

I felt like a was on a teeter totter during this read for real.  Elly's dialogue felt out if place, and then her pops says she can handle herself.  Makes her seem more mature, so I was moved past it.

Then the action came in, which was pretty cool, but it felt forced.  Then I read the ending and was like, "wow, what a good fucking ending. That could definitely change the world."

I'll sum it up and say that the sci-fi element to this was wonderful, the portal(nicely described) and the time travelers(a solid contrast).  The end wasn't mind blowing, but mind working.  Good job planting the seeds.

Johnny