The Girl by T - Short - {no logline} - pdf, format 8)

No logline? Hmmm, No dialogue until the end of page 5! Just action lines. Not to say the story is not good because I haven't read it yet but it will hard for some to focus on almost 5 pages of action lines with no break for dialogue.

- Dirk

SPOILERS

My last one! A prequel to Lucky McKee's "The Woman," I hope :)

As I go:

Second one of these with a completely nude little girl. I wonder about these SimplyScripts people...

Wait so is this the 10 year-old girl breastfeeding? Maybe 11, by now?

Thoughts:

Ooh, man I'm gonna need one more clue to get where you're going with this one. I thought about the idea of arbitrary group divides -- they look the same as the "beast," though maybe they can speak and it can't, and yet they see no connection between them and it. And the others worship something which they hunt and eat. The start I was thinking about -- destroying the animalistic and it being rebirthed as the the civilized, that there's a violence to this transitory act. I'm not sure. This one definitely got my head spinning in a very pleasant way but I cannot connect the dots.

I believe this one was worked on quite closely so I will be excited to hear the author's thoughts on it. Although I didn't understand what story I was being told, necessarily, that barely affected my enjoyment. This is the sort of thing that I would love to see and then discuss with friends afterwards.

Stoked. One of the best for last. Great work!

Hmm, funny the different responses to the same script.

If I had to guess I'd say the author of this one is new to scriptwriting. Not meaning any offense cause there's an interesting tale here but imh, as written, it's getting lost in a mire of passive description and lack of technical screenwriting know-how.

An 'indigenous' girl? (10) and nude?! I'm not sure US Censor boards would pass this - perhaps with strategically placed animal fur pelts covering the bits... maybe.

Overall, this is a hard slog. Pages of inactive description. No proper character intro's etc.

You need to CAP your characters upon intro for example: SHORT FIGURE... or it gets lost, as it indeed did cause now this character appears as 'the person'. Likewise with a 'nude, long haired humanoid' etc.

A lot of this reads as a hybrid of script and prose and is written passively i.e.

'Off screen the newborn slips a grunt.'
'slows the steps for stealth' - 'the dog bays offscreen' ??
'She reacts with a measured squint.'

Despite the technical difficulties and the fact this was a difficult 'story' to decipher there's a clear writer's voice here, and some nice images, it's all just a bit messy as it is now.

My advice would be to read some 'action' scripts online, particularly those featuring animals as 'characters' and familiarise yourself with screenplay formatting and dialogue/sounds, & really, seeing as this is mostly a non-dialogue piece how to convey this effectively.

The girl

No logline - I wish mine had no logline, it would be better

What is a ptarmigan - must look that up
I think the approaching dog and footsteps behind is trying to be too clever - bit confusing

If you had to include a nude female did she have to be 10 :-(
Wen you use person and girl, and they have not been introduced, it makes the read harder
Yup too confusing on which girl is which etc
Is this really 2013?
Why is one girl calling another mama and you label her girl

Presumed hole - that's a new one for me

I found this hard to follow and the lack of labelling and description doesn't help.

The script is different, I will give you that, and with clarity may have an interesting angle in terms of interaction, but I struggled with it.

All the best.

The last script! I think?

Hmm, strange twist with the girl, I'm going to continue reading because of the strong writing.

Blue Sky isn't really a good slug, but the sudden switch to the ground is poorly implemented. Why put the slug there in the first place when the action isn't occurring in the sky? It makes no sense. In fact, have we really had any other slug that shows where we are except the Pine Tree so far?

So many girls, I'm starting to get confused.

Finished.

Story was lost on me. I'd read it again, but I highly doubt that would make me understand anything. You have some kind of clone thing going on here, which is fine, but then you call them both "The girl". I had no clue who was who and what we were meant to be seeing. It's definitely not accessible. A very confusing story, mostly because of the unlabelled (is that even a word) slugs and poor character naming. The out there ending doesn't really help either. Like Chris, I too am interested in who wrote this. In the story's current form, it's not my thing but the writer reeks of talent.

Grade: D

Confused by your slugs - you need an opening master slug before your mini slugs. This is a little too much prose for a screenplay and a little too passive at times. 'We see' and a whole bunch of other stuff will annoy some people, but these are things you can work on.

No need to CUT TO: the scene heading already implies the transition.

TITLE: should be SUPER:

Referring to characters as 'person' and 'girl' - despite the element of mystery, you still need to intro them.

Em, I don't know - there's a story here, somewhere, but it's a confusing read. The writer seems to like holding their card to their chest - just show the story.

Eoin

I'm sorry to say but I cannot read past page three. It's too confusing for me. I'm just not hooked or invested in anything or anyone in this story. Sorry. Congrats though on completing an owc.

I am always intrigued by the no-logliners -- for some reason -- and nearly always give them a look.

I am pretty sure I could cut this script in half and make it clearer at the same time.  There is so much superfluous detail here -- and while I suspect the author is using it to define tone -- I also suspect there is a small language barrier here undermining these efforts.  The excess detail only muddies the waters.

Some names for these characters would surely help, as by page 8, I had totally lost track of all the nude girls running around.  (If only I had such problems in real life...)

The ending was intriguing, but for all the exhaustive detail that preceded it, the conclusion was far too abrupt.  We spend nearly 3 pages climbing into a hole -- and once inside -- the big reveal and out with a single paragraph.

Perhaps other readers will grasp the nuances here, but they completely eluded me.

This particular author seems to have good ideas, but they are encouraged to keep things simple -- lest their efforts prove inaccessible -- as they have here.

ptarmigan?  huh?  I'm too lazy to look it up but I really shouldn't have to. I guess it's some kind of bird.

"We see".  Ugh.  This is my pet peeve.  What is the point of writing that?  If you're describing it...we see it in our heads.  No more "we sees" or "we hears".  Not needed...ever.
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Besides the "we see", this description is awkward:

We see a long dark haired and nude, indigenous GIRL (10) crouched behind the tree, round belly, crawling softly away to another nearby.

It took me a while to picture what you were saying. The way it's written it sounds like her belly is crawling away to another one nearby.
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Also...no more "off screen".  Find a creative way to describe that the dog isn't in the shot.  And "a beat"?  No.  Again...find a way to describe this.  You're using the easy way out.  Be imaginative...engage us.
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Wait...9 months later?  This is supposed to take place in July 2013.  Well that does it for me.  Keep writing and Best of luck.

there is really not a lot I can say that others have not, the story was difficult to get through, IMO best if turned into a story not a script

Have to say though well done for getting work submitted -  i didn't manage to do so

I was confused and struggled to read this. It's written like an adapted short story by someone unfamiliar with screenwriting. I read the first 5 pages then gave up, sorry.

The only advice I can give is to avoid any shooting comments in the script like "we see" or "looks off-screen". The script was full of telling us what we should be seeing or how we should feel. Instead just describe what we will see if we were actually watching it for real and it wasn't being filmed at all.  

I hope that helps.

And I'm back.

A bit confusing seems to be the theme for this. Strong writing on display but the lack of dialogue started to affect my A.D.D. I was finding myself rereading the same passage over and over again trying to figure out what was going on. Hate to sound harsh, you're definitely on the right path to becoming a good writer. Just need to read up on some scripts to get the formatting down. Get away from "we" and passive sentences.

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk

Sorry to say I struggled most of the way through this.  Thought it started out quite well.  There was a decent amount of mystery to pull me along and I got a sense of the landscape you were describing.  Unfortunately some labored writing and lack of any clear character or focus threw me off.

Action felt awkward in places.  I get the impression you’ve thought the scenes through and have a clear image of how you see this playing out.  But it didn't always translate well on the page and I found myself having to re-read passages to get a clear idea of what was happening and to whom.  

I did wonder if this would exceed an R rating for the child murder alone?

While it wasn’t for me it’s certainly unique with plenty of imagination and I’m keen to see the author’s take.

Steve.

I think this is my last script to read.  I usually like to go balls out on my last read.  Let's see what we have here.

Uh oh...not a good start.  Slug of "WHITE"?  "We are looking..."?  Really?  We are?  Or are we watching your movie and the shot you're trying to direct is that of a dead ptarmigan?

Next line also has issues, but let's just focus on an early orphan.

"The sound approaches us"?  Really?  What could it be?  Where could it be coming from?

"the top of a dog"?  Oh boy.  When you intro any "character" for the first time, even an animal, CAP it.

So, let's see here...16 lines to show a dead bird and the top of a dog.  Not good, my friend...not good at all.

SNOWY MOUNTAIN RANGE - I have to assume you're referring to the actual range of mountains, known as the Big and Little Snowy Mountains in Montana and Idaho?  I hope so, at least, but...Hell, we'll see...hopefully.

Wow, your next passage is just...not good.  You use "us" twice, "we" once", and "2 dozen yards", as in 72 feet?  Is it 24 yards when we first see it, or after it's been loping for a few seconds?

Man, another use of "us"?  That's all I can take and that makes me a liar, because I said yesterday I'd read all of the remaining scripts in their entirety.

Sorry, but I seriously can't take anymore.

Listen - you honestly don't want to write this way.  Don't direct each shot, each camera angle, etc.  Everything in your script will be seen by us, as long as it's on a screen.  Everything that's recorded will also be heard by us.

Just tell your story and use visual writing, not camera direction and the like.

I skimmed the rest of page 1 and it doesn't get any better.  This may well be the most attempts at completely directing everything imaginable in 1 page that I've ever seen.

I'm sorry, but that's it.

Thanks for entering.

Ha!  Jeff and his orphans!

So I tried to slug my way through this, but it is so full of exposition and camera directions and confusing characters--how many nude little girls can you cram in to one short--I bailed out at page 6.  It's a shame, because I think you have a talent for writing.  I just think you're really trying to hard to show us your talent.   Less is always more in screenplay writing, and you need to allow the reader the opportunity to picture what's happening in their head.  This reads more like a novel than a screenplay, IMO.

Good effort, just a bit too convoluted and overwritten.

Grade: Incomplete (since I didn't finish)

Gary

We like patterns, and patterns mean thing that fit it, and when you don't fit ... well, you better be ready, 'cos you're going to get hit.

I don't know where to start with this, and I'm unsure that you've started with a colour theme - it seems too bold for you to not have done so, but I'm not too sure - the brown and white, first of the snow, then the ptarmigan, then the dog, all seems too much to be co-incidental - but then I've not seen someone go so clear on colour for such a while.

And then there's the red, and the red's mixed with ... brown. And the red mixed with brown appears to be very deliberate, it being associated with the death of the girl.

Location-wise, why would you infer so much Inuit culture?

p.3 - plashes ...? Best use of a plosive in a screenplay? Maybe.

So this looks like a clone story -- but is that the secret gift of the child? And where does that assummption leave us? There are clearly no men in this script whatsoever, yet females are giving bith?

Like some people, I wondered if this was a complex pisser, but then you stick in 'susurrous', and I'm dissuaded.

p.8 The darts for the willows
-- The girl darts for the willows?

p.8 ...is if hiding inside a hole
-- ...as if hiding inside a hole? Tsk. Getting lazy.

p.10 The sound is not more readily
understood as chanting.
-- The sound is now more readily
understood as chanting?

Okay - I see the claustrophobic element of the tunnel, but I don't figure the end. At all. I'm going to go with something along the lines of her special ability is to clone herself - as only females can do this, and then ... I think I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

I think this script was brilliant.  Although I'm gonna have to read it about five more times to fully grasp the story.   This could very well be the new normal.

Actually it does need to be thinnd out, but it's still brilliant, IMO.   Nicely done.

I found a ptarmigan :D sorry I had no idea what it was and you mentioned about 5 times in the first few pages.

A nude 10 year old !! the twisted mind of the SS member

Page 5 and we have some dialogue ... i think you should have given Nude girl a name, she obviously plays a major part.


I'm sorry but I really struggled with this one.

Some good descriptions/actions

Good job on entering

Mark

Even after reading this script in its entirety, I had no idea what I just read.  Don't know why; it just felt like a part of a much larger piece.

Formatting-wise, there were problems.  Your constant use of we see is a Bozo no-no.  Using it takes us out of the story and uses up more space.

Quoted Text The person pivots the girl’s head back and we see a thick red -- thick as syrup -- oozing from her mouth,

could be better written by

Quoted Text The person pivots the girl’s head back.  Thick red ooze drips from her mouth.

While I understand that there's not much time for editing in OWC's, this script can be shortened a great deal.  You're very heavy-worded when you write.  A little bit of work on this could result in trimming three pages off the script.

Hope this helps.


Phil

This is an entry that I found it hard to evaluate. I could see it being quite an effective story with challenging visuals and deep meanings. However, as I read it I think much of that was beyond my ability to picture, so I was left uncertain about how to respond.

It’s very difficult to do this kind of symbolism laden, minimal dialogue, script in a way that will work well on paper. As it is the read felt quite tough and I’m not sure what you could do that would avoid that.

I’m sorry to say it, but this was the hardest one for me to get through. You seemed to be a good writer generally, but screenwriting is a whole different monster.

There’s talent here, so keep at it. The rules can take a bit to process and seem arbitrary at times, but once you get comfortable with it you’ll understand why they’re there.

Based on what I read uses of “we” and passive writing should be the first things to eliminate. You’ll want to watch overwriting too. Something tells me a proper revision of this material could cut its length by half.

Unfortunately, I can’t comment on the story as I just couldn’t get past the writing. I read the whole thing, but aside from a few strong images I just couldn’t get much out of it.

I’m sure a lot of the other comments are along these lines. I hope we don’t seem too harsh. The truth is not a one of us hasn’t had it said to us at one point or another.

Keep writing and congrats on getting a submission in! It’s impressive none-the-less.

"The Girl" is likely the most unconventional script in the challenge.
But are the conventions broken out of inexperience? Or as a means to tell this particular story?
I think the writer is great, maybe brilliant.

On the first go-round, I dismissed the story as confusing and vague. On a second quick read, I found the story confusing, but intriguing.There seems to be a message buried in the layers of details. I want to believe this is a mythic tale; folklore passed along generations. Or perhaps the evolving of life, the marriage of different species, adaptation and camouflage, the shifting roles between predator and prey.
I really don't know what the he** I'm talking about, but this is the influence "The Girl" has on me.  It's got me thinking outside the bird's nest.
As such, this would be the story I most want to know about.  And the writer I'd most want to learn from.
Thank you for sharing.

Firstly, congrats on completing the OWC.

Secondly, HOLY SHT! All description?? Really?

Thirdly, let me see if I can get through this.

Fourthly, okay. This has to be a pisser. Everything about it is so ridiculous and either over-the-top or incomprehensible that it must be a joke. The ape with the ptarmigan seemed more like a punchline than a satisfying resolution.

^Over-the-top or just over your head?^  And no I didn't write it, but I feel the need to defend the fact that it obviously took some serious creative talent to craft this script.

Then some chucklehead like you comes along and calls it a pisser/joke.

Unbelievable.

Quoted from NickSedario ^Over-the-top or just over your head?^  And no I didn't write it, but I feel the need to defend the fact that it obviously took some serious creative talent to craft this script. Then some chucklehead like you comes along and calls it a pisser/joke. Unbelievable.

Nick, c'mon now.  Let's play nice.

To be completely honest, I was wondering the same thing when attempting to read this one.

This is definitely not written in proper Spec script format - not even remotely close.  Whether or not that was intentional or not, doesn't really matter.

I mean, if someone actually wrote this and was moderately proud of it, I apologize for poo-pooing your baby. But the mistakes were just strangely consistent and the end was so off-the-wall that I didn't think it was serious.

While I was reading this, I also read Leegion's comment about how he'd thrown everyone off his scent, so I thought either this was his story or it belonged to someone else looking to have fun.

Despite the overwriting, the concept was intriguing until the end. Then it lost me.

Quoted from Dreamscale Nick, c'mon now.  Let's play nice.

Haha...look at ol' Jeff trying to keep the peace!

This one was tough to swallow for me, and I was surprised to see so much love for it.

But I do believe this author was earnest.  This is no pisser by any stretch.

I mean, look at the review from Abe up there.  I may not agree, but he is no dope.

I think it is great how different people can look at this one and see it through completely different prisms.

Will be even more interesting when the authors themselves can chime in.