The Mess Monster and the Clean-Up Fairy by Alastair Murdoch - Short, Comedy, Children's Short - Francesca and Julian yearn for their own bedrooms, though their younger sister, Greta, prefers sharing. Greta's "friend" the Mess Monster is hampering the broker's attempts to sell the family home - thus putting off the move to a bigger house. Can Greta and her Monster be persuaded to co-operate? 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Oh sweet...I super love this title...I'll have to read this one! :)

There be spoilers ahead!

I like the idea of the Mess Monster and a kid blackmailing it. It’s a classic idea for a kids story. I also like some of the dialogue between the kids, the almost-teen and the mom.  

The main problem with this is the action. You describe way too much what people are wearing, what they are holding and what they are doing. If you get over three lines of action you should consider starting a new block so as to make it easier to read and help with the pacing, or examining your action and seeing what bits you can strip out. Remember less is more.

For example we don’t constantly need to be reminded the kids are reading magazines, eating cornflakes, playing with toys.  It’s areas like this were you waste a lot of script time instead of focusing more on the story, and we need more story, more conflict.

Remember the Goonies where the kids are about to lose their homes unless they find lots of money? The story could use some of this, something more than just selling a house, something big that the kids and the Mess Monster can solve.

But you’ve got a cute idea here.  

Thanks for the read and the comments, Mark. The older children's magazines and the younger one's fairy accessories are there for several reasons, though: a) to signal the children's interests, b) to imply obliviousness to the Mom's frustration (and even increase that frustration), and c) to ensure the children have props (so there is also activity on the screen, rather than just having the kids sit around and the table and risk wooden delivery).

I agree about upping the stakes - though haven't yet found anything I can fit into a short format and at the same time keep the whole thing filmable on a less-than-micro-budget.  Also, the story idea grew out of a bedtime story we improvised, so it needed to be gentle, as otherwise the kids would have been up all night!

Hey Alastair, this is a fun idea. The execution could use some trimming, though. I think you could lose several pages from this. The opening is pretty slow/long for no more than you establish.

I don't think the kitchen scenes or the magazines are necessary at all. You could have the mom and the kids come out all at the same time upstairs, with the mom discovering the mess as she passes their room. In the mess, you could describe their interests in fashion and electronics. The kids could still blame the Mess Monster and it would seem more like they just didn't clean their room. The mom could then send the kids on out to the car while she tries to pick up a little. There, they devise plans to prove the Mess Monster. You could probably do that in 2.5 pages.

Maybe while they're out, they have their mom stop by the hardware store. If she gets suspicious about their plan, they can just say they're working on a project and promise to not make a mess. Then you can cut to the bedroom at night, right before bedtime, as they're finishing the trap. Mom yells it's bedtime, so they all hop in bed real quick and turn out the light and then the rest of the script plays out the same way it does now.

Overall, the biggest technical problem I saw were your paragraphs of action. Those really needed to be broken up into paragraphs of four lines or less. That's my biggest gripe. You could maybe try to rephrase some of that dialogue, make it fresher.

Other than that, it's a good idea. I agree with Mark too that you need to figure out a way to up the stakes. It doesn't take a huge budget to do that.

Hey Purple,

Thanks for taking the time to read,  and for your feedback. Your points are focused, practical and useful - I'll try stitching in your suggestions, and see what happens...

Best,
Alastair

Doh! Thanks DanBall, that is!