Plagued by Malcolm Bowman (scoob) - Horror - A narcissistic author finds his life tipped upside down when he plagiarizes a mysterious manuscript. 112 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Malcolm!

If it's all right, I'll sort of give a live reaction to your script's first 10 (I'll try to read more tomorrow, but I want to do this for a couple more scripts tonight. Hope that's okay!) Here we go:

-- So first thing, I'd suggest sprucing up your logline a bit. Give us a little more to chew on. How is the author's life flipped upside down; what's he going after and who is opposing him, basically?

-- I like that you flipped the script (sorry, pun) on us with the generic opening becoming one of those cheesy murder mystery shows. I tried to do this with my screenplay, too. Overall I think you did it better. Granted, I didn't make mine a TV show.

-- However, I think you should be wary of how long you let Duncan go on for. You can accomplish what you do in that first scene and second scene in just one page. I see that your screenplay is 113 pages long, so automatically it shaves off some precious real estate. I think prologues work really well in horrors because there's always a slow build to it so you want to leave the audience with a taste before they're bored, but we should strive for meeting the protagonist much sooner.

-- Is an animated cover like one of those that moves when you shift it at an angle? I'm forgetting the name of those things.

-- Thus far, I'm at Walter reading the newspaper. I think you should consider having Rob's face be either on the newspaper or in the bookstore stand so that we can visually know it's the same person.

-- Cosy should be cozy, unless you meant like a cloth is covering the fireplace (which could be, like if there were a rug or something).

-- Also, consider Crystal's dialogue to be something short and sweet: "Dad. Thanks for standing me up -- AGAIN," with Rob's response just being "Damn it" and maybe pounding his fist on something or face-palming himself, which in my opinion are better signs of how people would react by themselves as opposed to talking to an answering machine.

-- I learned what a settee is :D (Had to google)

-- Ooh! Better yet, it could be nice to have him fix himself a drink AS he's listening to Crystal's message.

-- Finished at the end of the scene on page 11. So the following advice may go in the complete opposite direction of the story you want to tell, but I think that your protag is too unlikable. It could work, if his upside down world makes me like how it's causing him pain. My suggestion at this point, however, is to change his situation.

Instead of him being a total jerk that has been copying other manuscripts for some time now, make it so that he has writer's block or something. I didn't understand the part about bills, since it seems he has so much money. But if you keep his money situation in play, then you can make it that the manuscripts comes into his life and he has no other choice BUT to plagiarize it. Maybe he misses his date with his daughter BECAUSE he was scrambling trying to write something to keep a roof over his head. Easy fixes that make us sympathize with him more and root for him going forward.

Hope I could help a bit.

Thank you Don for posting this script.

Hey Bill,

Thank you for giving this a read, I appreciate the feedback.
I notice you have "Cohen In Transition" posted so I will be sure to check it out. Hopefully I will have something during the week, I'm a bit review rusty.

Cheers

Malc

Hey Scoob, haven't seen you round these parts in a long while.  Good to see you back...with a new script.

Listen, bro, I stopped quickly - here's why...

Your first Slug is "EXT, WOODS - NIGHT". Your next Slug a few lines down is "EXT. WOODS - NIGHT".  Guess what your next Slug is on Page 2?  Yep, same thing again, 3 times in a row - "EXT, WOODS - NIGHT".

IMO, you just can't start out like that, bro.  Seriously.  First draft or 20th, no way.

If nothing else, I do hope this helps.  Also hope peeps read more or all and give you some good feedback that helps.

Take care, man.

Hey Jeff, long time no see!
Thank you for the welcome, it has been a while!

Thanks for opening this sucker up and alerting me to the early problem. Should have addressed that before submitting, especially being on the first page!

Anyways, thanks for giving it a crack and I hope to contribute to this site over the coming months.

Cheers

Malc

Cool, bro.  Where you been?  Hopefully, good things have been going down your way.

Jump in and get to some script if you can, as we have alot of new members who are both providing feedback and new scripts.

Look forward to seeing you round, man!

A good place to start may be Rolo's Offline.  It is a script that offers alot in that it has a "polarizing" writing style, but works in what it sets out to do.  Also, a shockingly fast read.

I'll definitely give Offline a whirl! My first will be BillC's "Cohen In Transition" and then I'll go from there.

I've hopped in and out of here to try and keep up to date as I knew I'd be coming back eventually haha.

Good to see the site in such good condition, it's an amazing place and pleased to see you're still in action  :)

I've spent the last year and a bit working with a production company on a project that was found on this very site. A project I wrote eons ago so you can imagine my surprise. Obviously I can't really go into much detail at this point but I remain hopeful... even if it has changed dramatically and now been moved on to more established writers. (Given the mistake in my opening page here, I wonder why?)

But yeah, it's cool to be back and I thank you again for the warm welcome, much appreciated, mate :)

Hey Scoob,

I sincerely apologize for not getting back to reading the following day. Weekdays, you know how it is! So I'm up to page 25 or so right now and WHAT? Haha! You really did change it up on me. I was NOT expecting all of this.

I really only have some nitpicks with your screenplay so far. There are some spelling/grammar errors, is really it. Some misplaced apostrophes and the like. Also, some colloquialism are going over my head ;)

--

OK, I just read to the end of the scene on page 65 (will revisit, but must eat! :D ) and I have to say that I'm intrigued by the mystery! I want to know whodunnit. My vote goes to Jack because why is that layer of dust there? Hmmm. Doesn't seem right.

I also have to say that I thought perhaps Jack and Helen were having an affair. Maybe I totally misread that scene, but the way you chose to end his dialogue with "quick --" and how surprised she is, the way she fidgets, etc. I mean, it could be revealed later on, but it appears that is not what was happening.

I see that you're moving along with the unlikable protagonist, and I think that it actually could work. It's risky, but what's the point of not taking risks, right?

One thing that I'm not completely understanding is if the scenes that are coming to life are in the manuscript that he picked up or in something he's writing. He said that the manuscript inspired him to write something original, but I'm not entirely sure if his new manuscript is 100% original, mixed, or a complete copy.

Beyond the nitpicks, I think your dialogue could use some sprucing up. Right now, I think Westley has the best dialogue -- just in terms of how it's memorable and how it sounds like a completely distinct person, as opposed to, say, Crystal who I think is a bit stale at times and at other points comes off kind of as a pendulum of emotions. She's happy, then furious, then she's telling Rob it's his fault her mom died!

What I like the most are your kill scenes. They're deliciously fun! I kind of hope more people kick the bucket before this screenplay is over so I can see how much more demented they get. Which makes me questions my sanity.

Hope I can help a bit!

Hey thanks Bill for the read, I do really appreciate it, man!
I'm gonna agree with you for the most part regarding the dislikes.
I'm just happy you have read so far and enjoyed some of it, thanks :)

I'd like to pick up on your points a bit later, maybe  when I've contributed to this site a bit more. But yeah, nothing you said is not far from what I thought regarding problems! It''s nice to get off to a nice start.

Thank you so much for reading, I appreciate it mate :)