Love, Bundy by Allan Bourne - Short, Dark Comedy, Romance - Ted Bundy starts to catch feelings for his latest victim and can't quite bring himself to killing her. 28 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was a strange piece. I've never read a short with Ted Bundy as the main.

On page 8 after Ted takes a shower...there is still dried blood on his hand in the kitchen??

The dialogue in this needs a lot of work. Both characters sound the same and to me it's way too talky.

I did not really buy into the part where she's tied up in the shed and then suddenly she sort of controls the situation in a sense. I quit reading when the 'I need a tampon' thing went on for over a page.

Like Dena, I was sort of drawn in by the concept, but this script lost me somewhere along the way and I skimmed the rest.

You lost me because I do not understand why your protagonist is Ted Bundy.  In fact, the killer in your story could be just about anybody BUT Bundy.

The use of knives -- and keeping the vicitims alive for days in some secluded torture chamber -- none of this fits with Bundy's M.O.  I lived in Tallahassee during the Chi Omega murders, so while I am no expert on the guy, I do know a bit.

My advice is to do a bit of research -- lord knows, there is plenty out there -- and if you are going to use Bundy as a character, then make that character act like Bundy.

Otherwise it comes off as just a gimmick.

Hi Allan, couple of thoughts-

no need for your SOMEWHERE IN A SMALL TOWN, doesn't mean anything. Just write SMALL TOWN in your slug.

i'm not a fan of introducing characters as MAN or GIRL, and since you use TED'S RESIDENCE in your slug and actually refer to him as Ted in the dialogue you may as well just call him Ted straight off. You also name her as JULIE later, no reason not to name her at the beginning.

"Like he's to late an important dinner"…I know what you mean but it doesn't make sense.

The dialogue between MAN and GIRL could've been a bit sharper.

it goes straight from the last line of dialogue between MAN and GIRL to an axe. If this is a different scene or cut which I think it is, you need to add a slug, even just something simple like LATER or CONTINUOUS.

The shed scene, I realise you are trying to portray him as evil incarnate but I think maybe you went a little far. Tone it down just a tad and you can still be effective.

Ted speaks with such nonchalance and mellowness, you’d think they were meeting for coffee or something - love this line, made me giggle.

His voice cuts deep into you when he speaks - into who? The reader? you can't acknowledge the reader. Something like "his voice cuts deep" is fine I think.

Ted stops, looks around. He must be going crazy - don't like the fact that you tell us this. Just say he looks around, surprised at the faint sound of music, or something like this.

dont cap Gentle on page 8

if you use OVER BLACK then you need to CUT TO BLACK or FADE OUT on page 12

On page 17, don't have dialogue if theres actually no dialogue. unless thats Cara saying his name? if so you need to correct that.

This is where I kinda just started skimming over it, sorry to say.

It started okay, but when you introduce Cara and it turns into a comedy, i just didn't feel it whatsoever. I mean i like the idea that this killer could be tamed somehow and made to look stupid at times but its not dark comedy its actually slapstick at times.

You're definitely a storyteller but I think when you wrote this you were picturing it in your head a little TOO much. What I mean by that is you tend to write stuff we don't really need to know in the action lines and it makes it a little chunky.
If you cut it way down and only keep what is needed then you might have something you could work with here. Also a lot of the time you drift into a very impersonal place with your action lines. I think you need to keep your writing consistent throughout. Don't use -ing words or WE.

Like i said the premise is actually quite quirky, but it needs quite a bit of work. I think you need to ask yourself if you want this to be a comedic driven short, or a drama with some comedy elements.

No horrid format issues and only a few spelling/grammar issues that I saw so most of the work is just plot and some of the dialogue was on the nose. Shorts normally work better with less dialogue, it kinda felt like you were filling out a bit. Think about using subtext, since he is a killer but comes across as a nice guy at first.
Strip it down and rewrite. Hope this helps.

-Gavin