Witches by Patrick - Horror - After 20 years, Michael and his family coming back to his hometown for his father's funeral. Michael's little daughter is being kidnapped by witches for dark ritual, just as his sister was 20 years ago. 104 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Patrick, don't really know that name, I don't think you're a user.  I'm just 'gonna leave a few thoughts.  

Not sure the log-line works.  

In a log-line I'd used "twenty" rather than the numbered version.  Even at that it stills very cluttered.  

"Michael and his family coming back to his hometown..." isn't right, I know what you're trying to say, so you need to say it correctly.  I wonder if English is your first language?

You give away too much already.  Leave some surprises.  But yea, I'd suggest working on that log.

At a first glance, you seem to have formatting and technical down.

You're opening describing the house... it reads strange to me... you're describing things we see more so than describing/setting the scene?  

Try:

"It's a quiet evening in a rural area.  A full moon hangs against a black sky.  Surrounded by a white-picketed fence is a picturesque COUNTRY HOME."... or something.  Don't just name objects/things.  Try to describe what's happening.

"Looney Tunes Witch Hazel cartoon is on TV." -- is this important?

"ANGLE ON TWO CHILDREN SITTING ON THE COUCH." no need for this to all be in capitals --

"PULL BACK to reveal two children fighting on the couch" -- that's how I'd do it, just a suggestion.  Also, you need to write a character's name in CAPS when first introducing them, you did it with SHARON, but not with Katie or Michael.  

"Quit it, Michael. You supposed to
take care of your little sister,
not tormenting her on every
occasion." -- you should be "you're" and this didn't read naturally.  Should be:

"Quit it, Michael.  You're supposed
to take care of your little sister, not
torment her all the time" -- or something.

And this is where I stop.  I'd suggest fixing the logline, and the dialogue, and I already pointed out my thoughts about how you opened.  You seem to have technical stuff and the format down though, so that's good.

The reason I stopped is because I'd like to know you're a user before I give feedback for no reason, hope to see you around! :)

Curt

I read several pages of this. The dialogue needs quite a bit of work.

Your writing is easy enough to read. Short. Sweet. Still needs some polish work though. If you are around I'll read further.

One problem I had with the story is when I got to the witch on the broom. The cat coming in was mysterious, and you may want to rethink having witches flying around on brooms unless you are going for animation.

I'm stopping at the witch on the broom, baby sitter dying part. If you are around, I'll read further.

Hi, Patrick!

I hate to assume, but I'm going to guess, as the others here did, that English is not your first language.

Besides that, I'd take some of AbitionIsKey's advice and try to animate your action. For example, instead of

"Porch lamp is on, swinging, CREAKY SOUND. Wind is getting
stronger, WIND SOUNDS. Knob turns, front door opens, SHARON
APPEARS. She’s ready to scare the raccoons off, but there are
none to be found."

You could try

"The porch light illuminates the deck. Creaks as it sways side to side. The wind gets stronger.

The knob turns. Front door opens. Sharon appears, ready to scare the raccoons off, but there are none to be found."

I'm not saying that's the best version of how you could describe that scene, but I think a good general rule of thumb is to try to make everything in the present tense as possible. At times, it's unavoidable to write something like "swinging" at the end of a sentence there, but if you can easily fix it, I'd suggest to. It's not mandatory, but it creates a much more visual reading experience.

The same can be said about adding sounds whenever something happens, like "wind sounds" and "shattering sounds." The reader can assume that sounds are being made when those things come into play narratively. When in doubt, just always choose the best reading experience.

I read up to page 13 (I might continue), but here are some other suggestions:

-- I was surprised to see that the story shifted into Michael being the protagonist. (I didn't read the logline.) Consider making the babysitter much more of an afterthought. You already have the babysitter saying that Michael should protect his younger sister, so why not make him have a power struggle with the witch? That way he's horrified when his sister is kidnapped and carries that burden with him even 20 years later. I think that could be a better drive for your story.

-- Consider subtlety with Michael's past regarding his parents. Michael telling his wife about his past with his parents is technically redundant to them. I know exposition is so difficult. Here's a trick I think works: exposition also has plot. It's really that simple. Build up to your exposition, like a mystery. Trust me, it works; haven't you ever continued to read a novel but you just had to know that secret the main character was keeping?

-- While I can see that Michael didn't care for his father, I think his reaction to hearing his dad died would be a bit different.

Overall though, I think you have a very visual eye. This particular excerpt kind of creeped me out (which I assume was the intention):

"Trail of blood on it. Under it, against
the wall, dead Sharon is sitting. Her jaw is crushed, teeth
went to pieces, one eye crossed out. She is drowning in the
pool of milk and her own blood."

Fixing up the grammar errors of your action lines could really spruce up the visuals of this screenplay.