Daisy by Chuck Ziegler (Ziggy26) - Drama - The lives of a spoiled playboy and a woman living on the streets are changed when events that occur lead them on the same path to understanding what true friendship can mean. 114 pages - pdf, format 8)

You need a title page. (C) 2013 is all you need. Get rid of that paragraph before FADE IN. Did you assume that was a good idea or did someone tell you it was a good idea? It's a big red flag that the rest of the script is going to be not so great.

You're too wordy with your descriptions. NAME (age), brief description, is how you introduce a character.

The dialogue more expositional than it should be. Where's the subtext? The first scene is nice, but we can tell by their actions that they're mother/son. You don't need to tell us everything up front.

The only time FADE OUT should be in your script is when it's over. Don't use them as transitions, which you do a few times.

I only read the first 5 pages, but you're making the same mistakes over and over again. Words should be spelled out, so limousine instead of limo, misses instead of Mrs. It's easier to read.

If this was written better, it would be three pages instead of five.

Do we even need that first scene? Be efficient. Is that scene worth the money you'll spend? Hiring a kid, finding the location, etc, etc, etc. I don't think so.

Is it Connie or Daisy? You call her both. Pick one.

You also have two random pages at the end, and no proper FADE OUT. Even with THE END, it needs that FADE OUT. Why are there pages 121 and 122?

This needs to be worked on.

First off, thank you VERY much for taking the time to "attempt" reading the first draft of my screenplay. I HAD a title page done and not quite sure why it did not show up. Yes, I did read on the homepage that it was "highly suggested" to write the statement on the first page. Was very confused by that, but did it anyway. I have corrected both of those issues as well as your suggestions for making it clearer that Comnie is Daisy and I am very happy with this change. I have resubmitted the updated version and hope it shows up soon. I've also corrected the "fade out" issues. Yes,they were not done correctly. ANOTHER change I've made is making the character descriptions more clear and less wordy. As for the mother/son issue in the opening scene (which confuesed me with your  issue of it not being monetarily necessary). That scene is kind of important for a future scene between the two and I can think of countless movies that had short scenes that you could of asked the same  question and it not matter. The "money spent" on a movie is not my decision, but that of the director and/or producers. As for the first five pages, you mention I make the same mistakes "over and over". Could you elaborate on these "mistakes"? And lastly, not quite sure how one extra page showed up, but this too has been corrected.

Once again, I really needed your imput and I hope that you can see that I have taken most of your suggestions and immediately made those changes. Thank you and hope you can get past 5 pages.

Chuck

What I mean by "over and over" is that you use FADE OUT more than you should, your descriptions aren't clear, the dialogue feels fake. Maybe "mistake" is too hard a word, but I think you get what I mean.

Writers need to think like directors and producers, because it's becoming easier to be an independent writer/director. We should be conscious of the amount of work that we're putting in our script.

I'll keep an eye out for the update, or you can just email me directly.