The Skinny Samaritan by Mark Lyons (rc1107) - Short - After a local hero is released from the hospital, people at a nearby bus stop discuss the events that made him a legend in the area. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello Mark. Jeez, do you ever put that pen down?  ;D

I don't have too much to say about this one because it is what it is. But, I mean that in a good way.  

At first glance this is a sweet tale, straight forward and to the point, but quite deceptively simple I reckon, with a quite clever underlying message and surprisingly a lot of layers to it. There's quite a bit going on here about 'small town mentality', and the Establishment, acting individually, or with the crowd etc. I got lots out of this for what first might appear as 'not too much going on'. And, I notice a recurring theme with this recent lot of your 'shorts' too, of how one life can affect others... least that's how I see it.

On a side note, I did have to go back and check who was who, at first, but that's always going to happen with intro'ing quite a few characters at the top but I was happy that about mid-way the 'voices' are clearly defined. Some quite witty, if low-key exchanges too.

I was wondering how it was all going to end too, but you wound it up nicely with that little 'pay it forward' resolution.

I'm interested to see what others think of this.

Good job Mark.

Hey Libby!

Thanks for taking a read.

Quoted from Libby Jeez, do you ever put that pen down?

Unfortunately, yeah.  About 12 hours a day while I'm at work.  Luckily, I had that month and a half to get a good head start on some stuff.

I smiled when I saw you mention 'deceptively simple'.  I love simple stories that deal with big issues.  I just think they're taken more seriously than big, broad stories that aren't really about anything.  (I think I mentioned this just earlier, didn't I, with another work.  :-)

I know movies are supposed to be about entertainment and escaping reality and all, and I understand and respect people who say that, but I guess I'm just wired differently.  I can't watch or enjoy a movie that I don't take anything away from.

Quoted from Libby On a side note, I did have to go back and check who was who, at first, but that's always going to happen with intro'ing quite a few characters at the top but I was happy that about mid-way the 'voices' are clearly defined. Some quite witty, if low-key exchanges too.

Yeah, having a second-look at those intro's, I should've spread them apart somehow.  I'm glad their voices shined through by the end, but I will go back and find a way to intro them a little more naturally, rather than listing them.  And since this is a talking heads piece, it'll be all the more beneficial to make it clear from the start.

Thank you again for taking a read and letting me know your thoughts.  It's always appreciated from

- Mark

Mark,

I like that you managed to keep a somewhat feel-good vibe to this despite the idea of Kenneth slowly starving himself.  Thought it could have been the tenth person to board the bus (or join the queue?) that Jarvis hands the money to, rather than just a guy walking past, in order to bring the story full circle -- perhaps a budgetary concern?

Which leads me to my only issue in that I’d rather have seen Kenneth’s story -- maybe by way of flashback/cut-aways as Gregory and Rosalie talk.  My guess is you’re writing this as a no-budget piece, in which case I can appreciate why you’ve chosen to opt for a simple talking heads approach.  All the best with it.

Steve.

Hey Steve.

Thanks for taking a read.

Quoted from Steve Thought it could have been the tenth person to board the bus (or join the queue?) that Jarvis hands the money to, rather than just a guy walking past, in order to bring the story full circle

Actually, Jarvis does give it to the tenth person walking by the bus station.  He starts counting as soon as he learns of Mr. Kenny's generosity.  It starts at the bottom of page 5 when 2 pedestrians walk by, then Gregory raises his voice as 3 loud teens walk by.  That's also why Jarvis out of nowhere says 'Seven' as the nurse walks by and everybody looks at him confused.  Then when the random guy walks by, Jarvis calls out ten.

I kind of buried it, I know, but I thought it was unique to the story and I wanted to keep it low key so only those following super closely might get it.

You're spot on about writing this as a no-budget piece, and that's why I chose talking heads to tell the story.  I originally set out to tell Kenny's story with him in person, but it'll be too much trouble to film on the cheap, so I went this way with it.

Thanks again for checking this out Steve!

- Mark

Hey Mark

Haven't read anything from you in a while so opened this one up. :)

I enjoyed it.  Not too shabby.  A quick read and very interesting, indeed.  I'm on Gregory's side.  Mr. Kenny was giving back out into the world, he was doing a good deed, I liked him.

I really don't have a lot to say.  Other than I totally got what Jarvis was doing, when he said "seven" I had to go back and I was confused, and then I was like "is he counting people..." and yes the people came to a total of seven -- I felt so proud, lol.

The writing was really smooth and basic, suited the story you were going for here.  Jarvis was pretty cool, my favourite out of the bunch.  At time's Rosalie's dialogue to me came off a little "eh" but as a whole I think this is a strong short with a nice message behind it.

Curt

I read this this morning and had mixed feelings. The message is good, but seems like something's missing. Like maybe another twist.  How 'bout when Jarvis gives the man ten bucks, he goes back to the Gregory, Rosalie and Susan, and then they see the man approach a drug dealer and he buys crack?  Ha.  Okay, maybe not.  But still, just seems like the payoff at the end lacked "punch" cosisdering it's basically a ten page script of mostly talking heads.

As for the writing style you're pretty much the opposite of staccato.  Makes for kind of a heavy read. But those two things are my only gripe with this script.  All in all, good job and again I'll say "a good positive message".  Could definitely see this get filmed.

One last thing - the title.  Seems you could come up with something better, IMO.  How 'bout "A Ten Shun".   Okay, maybe not.  That's enough out of me.  

On a sidenote, there's been a rash of real-life stories lately on the Internet about random acts of kindness.

Hey Mark,

I've read quite a few shorts of yours that you've had posted here, so I decided to take a peek at this one.

It's not my favorite Mark Lyons script, but it was nice. You seem to have found a nice little niche with your writing... and you do it very well. The writing is good as always, though I felt that there were a few mundane lines of description that were only used to break up dialogue, e.g. people just walking by... but it turned out that your Jarvis character was counting each person that was walking by, leading to the "pay it forward" kind of ending you had there.

This could easily be filmed as it's only a few characters talking at a bus stop. I wasn't too sure about all the hoopla about Kenneth being a hero, this whole legend about him. I think "legend" may be a bit of an overstatement there. What he reminded me of was like an old uncle who always used to give me a dollar or something every time I saw him. Legend? I suppose it's a small town where nothing much happens. Not sure if it would be a big enough story for someone to want to do a news story on... I did recently hear of a story about a guy who's fixed shoes for like 20 years in a private shop (he may have had a mental condition), but he never spent a dime of the money he made, and when he heard of a little girl in the community who needed money for a major transplant or something, he gave that family everything he made over that period of time. To me, that seems like legend material.

Nevertheless, I'm just nitpicking. The story works for what it is, and it made me smile at the end.

Fine work, Mark.

-- Michael

Hey rc, I feel some kind of way about this. the parts about morality and all, but i have to say that, overall, the spirit of it is good-hearted. the story definitely is cogent, the message never faded from the forefront and the characters were, for the most part, well-defined. I'd look into trimming some of the action lines down, they seem a little bit wordy in spots. i also like that you played against a couple of stock types, or so it seems that way to me.

good deal. i hope to read more from you, rc.

I enjoyed reading that. A feel good story where a normal guy makes a stance and inspires another to do the same, sending a few positive ripples out into the world. I do enjoy that type of thing.

The dialogue was good, I liked the conversations. You made me think as well about the morality of his actions. Where they good and charitable or was he handing out money that didn’t really belong to him in the first place? I’m of the opinion that it was a good deed but I can see the argument from the other angle as well, which shows how well you wrote this.

I have a minor nit-pick in that if Kenneth was on hunger strike and was so emaciated, so close to the end, I don’t think he could walk or even be able to even get out of bed. Maybe have him at a half way stage? It’s a small suggestion anyway, I think the script works really well.

Hey Curt.

I wrote this one for the extras!  I figured it's about time somebody makes them important to the story rather than just the background.  :-)

I appreciate you taking a look and letting me know your thoughts.



Hey Silverback.

I thought a lot about the ending when I first wrote it.  There was actually another twist where Rosalie loses her bus pass and Gregory pays her way, but with his social security money so she's stuck having to take it.  But it was kind of drawn out and took away from the simple message I was going for.

I always get slammed for my titles for some reason.  :-)  Dang it!  I actually liked the title for this one though, for some reason.

But thanks for checking the story out, though, and welcome to the site, by the way.  I see you've been around for a bit, but yesterday was our first time getting acqainted.

- Mark

Mark,

A friend of mine from Washington Heights would always tell me stories of neighborhood "heroes" every time I went to visit him.  It was fascinating to me when I'd hear the different tales of how the community looked out for one another, and knew each other so well.  Anyway, that's what the script reminded me of.

I kept picturing Kenneth and Jarvis much younger than they where, just something my brain kept doing as I read it, lol!  So, ol Kenneth was the case study for the bus stop regulars, which was unfortunately so true, because folks always love to speak their mind when when the person isn't around.

I sort of got the vibe through all of this that Jarvis would step up to the plate here, but it would have far out (but could raise some potential confusion to the reader) if the bus stop regulars had no idea of Kenneth's methods of distrubuting the cash.  Then, a giant light bulb to all when Jarvis, new kid on the block, reveals it to them by doing the same.  Makes them all cut the gossip out and makes them realize Kenneth's depth.  Just a suggestion.  ;D

Some of the dialogue was a bit on the nose intent-wise.  I think it would have been better to maybe throw in some dialogue that goes on further ends of a person's belief spectrum, as many discussions of this nature can turn into ridiculous statements not very well thought out.

Good one buddy,

Johnny

Hey Michael.

Quoted from spesh The writing is good as always, though I felt that there were a few mundane lines of description that were only used to break up dialogue

Guilty as charged.  Although there was purpose in this story for those lines of description that you mentioned.  But the truth is, I notice I'm doing it more and more in my writing.  I was just working on a feature yesterday and noticed during one scene I had my characters nodding a lot just to break up the dialogue.  I got to watch that.  If the dialogue's good and I feel comfortable with it, I have to learn to just let it flow.

You might just be surprised what local journalists report on around here.  This story wasn't based on anyone and it is purely fiction, but I remember they did this whole five-minute expose about a woman who goes around and decorates abandoned houses during the holidays.  Not a big story at all, but they did spend a lot of time on it, and it was rather refreshing to see things like that, rather than what dealer just got busted.

And I'm glad it made you smile in the end.  I'll be getting around to 'Yesterday Syndrome' in the next week or so.  I have just a few other features I promised to read first.  Having read 'Morphine', I'm excited to check it out.  (I had 'Morphine' downloaded to my computer and read it when I didn't have internet for about a week, so that's why I haven't commented on it yet.  I'll leave a couple words when I go back and read it again.)

Thanks for checking this one out.

- Mark

Hey Norman.

I want to say thank you, it's been a while since I had to use a dictionary.  :-)  I've never heard of cogent before.  I got a new word of the day now.

And thanks also for checking this one out.  I'm glad it  adj. - Appealed to your intellect or powers of reasoning.  :-)

I see you got a new story up.  I don't think I've ever read any of yours before, though I know I've looked for them before.  I'll check it out as soon as I get the chance.

- Mark

rc, thank you, man. it was a very compelling read. any read you give me would be appreciated. very much so. but no rush. and it's not necessary. i'm just reading stuff as i go.

Mark,

Just got back from vaca so I popped this one open.

Nice little tale here. Nothing wrong technically, at least from my untrained eye.

When Jarvis hands the tenth man the money, I don't think you need "he doesn't have a ten."  Just my opinion there.

Kinda felt bad for Kenneth. No real reason to know why he gave money away. I guess we got that answer from Jarvis. And when there's nothing left to feel good about, well then I guess you just...

I always try to look for some meaning in these shorts, something's that lays beneath, but I couldn't really find it. It made me think of Ghandi. I know he went on a hunger strike or two. But as far as I can see just a light, kind story that I totally wasn't expecting. At least not from the writer of Thistles, that is.

Very enjoyable.

Steve

Hey Mark.  (Crap, another Mark on the boards.  The other Mark (Moore) and I will have your nickname ready as soon as we get to know you a little more.  :-)

I appreciate you checking the story out.  Glad you liked it.  And I'm especially glad you focused on the morality of what he was doing was right or wrong.  I'm of the opinion that he had money taken out of his checks when he was working for social security, so it's his money to do what he wants with when he receives it in his later years.  But, I can understand where the other side of the argument is coming from, too.  Had Kenneth not worked all his life when he could, I just might join the other side.

As for him being so emaciated he wouldn't have been able to walk, I just wanted to show how strong he was mentally.  It was only briefly touched upon in the script, but Mr. Kenny did leave the hospital against doctor's orders.

Thanks again for taking the read and letting me know your thoughts, Mark.

I'll be seeing you around.

- Mark

What's up, Johnny?

I love little town stories.  That's probably why I'm such a huge fan of Billy Bob Thornton.  (I just got his biography.  I can't wait to start reading.)  I'd love to listen to some of your friend's tales some time.

Hmm.  I'm a little confused as to how you kept picturing Kenneth much younger.  I guess my description of him nearly being on his deathbed really didn't come through.  I'll have to take a look at that.  And Jarvis is really young, anyway, a little older than a teenager, so I'm glad that came through.  I wanted to show that there is good in the younger generations, no matter how much bad-talk they receive.

Interesting idea to hold back the info of how Kenneth is dealing out the money.  It could be fun to play with.  I went for the straight-forward-tell-it-like-it-is approach just to get to the heart of the story faster.  Especially in a piece where I knew I was going to tell and not show, I wanted to cut straight to the chase.  But what you brought up would be interesting to analyze.

And I was very concerned about being on the nose with this story.  I knew at least some of it would come off like that because the whole story's exposition, but I'm hoping there's a lot of other people out there like me, who love to listen to people tell a story verbally.

Thanks again for taking a look, John.  Can't wait to crack open yours.

- Mark

Hey Steve.

Welcome back.  Hope you had a relaxing time.  D'you go anywhere fun?

Quoted from Steve When Jarvis hands the tenth man the money, I don't think you need "he doesn't have a ten."  Just my opinion there.

You're right.  It is extraneous.  I just wanted to drive home the point that Jarvis was especially looking for a ten in his wallet, to keep in sync with Mr. Kenny.

Quoted from Steve I always try to look for some meaning in these shorts, something's that lays beneath, but I couldn't really find it.

Actually, I think you summed up the meaning of the story pretty well:

Quoted from Steve Kinda felt bad for Kenneth. No real reason to know why he gave money away. I guess we got that answer from Jarvis. And when there's nothing left to feel good about, well then I guess you just...

It might be hard to see, but that sounds pretty meaningful in my eyes.

Quoted from Steve as far as I can see just a light, kind story that I totally wasn't expecting. At least not from the writer of Thistles, that is.

Ha.  Enjoy it now.  I'm not always this calm.  :-)

Thanks for taking a read, Steve.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hmm.  I'm a little confused as to how you kept picturing Kenneth much younger.  I guess my description of him nearly being on his deathbed really didn't come through.  I'll have to take a look at that.

No dude, your good.  That's on my end 100%, you made it clear regarding the age.

Yeah, I can dig it.  The dialogue is the right approach for what you're going for.  I guess if there was too much tug of war going on, it would for sure take away from the read.

Hey Mark, always a pleasure to read your work...

A nice read and a heart warming story...or is it?  I was torn as to the real message hear, is it about a good person who enjoys helping others or about how easily people can be swayed into doing things they wouldn't normally do?

Anywho, it was a real nice story and well written, as always.

Hey Mark

Always glad to have a read of yours.

I haven't looked at 'any' previous comments so that I was 'clean', so here goes.

Plus' and minus'

A nice intriguing story, with a sense of debate thrown in. Should be cheap to film.

One of my principle issues is that who's story is it? If it's Kenny then either he needs to be in it more or less, but not part IMO.

If its Gregory's we could do with a tad more connection. If Jaris then we need to follow him for longer have a sense of a missing direction he feel he needs to have etc

I almost feel it could be his - Jarvis - story more than anybody else's.

The story has a sense of talking heads telling or explaining a story that we don't see much of. That's understandable especially if you are keeping the budget down, but it is worth remembering to stress as much of the visual as possible, show the character changes etc to break this up.

As to Kenny starving I wasn't quite sold on this, but i'm not wholly sure why.  He wants to give, if somewhat random, but now that this has been stopped, he wants to kill himself. One interesting thing would have been if he started to beg. How would those who objected now take this reversal? Which did they prefer? Which is healthier etc?

On balance I have preferred other work of yours but as ever it is an interesting read.

Cheers

Bill

Hey Anthony.

Quoted from Alffy A nice read and a heart warming story...or is it?  I was torn as to the real message hear, is it about a good person who enjoys helping others or about how easily people can be swayed into doing things they wouldn't normally do?

I'll only tell you after you give ten dollars to a random stranger.

:-)  Just kidding.  If I actually did that around the town I live in, I'd just be enabling someone.

It is about all three and even more things.  It's about a good person who helps others.  It's about if a person could do something they wouldn't normally do.  And, like I said, what if that person receiving the money uses it for something negative?  I was hoping to make it clear that Mr. Kenny gave it to people who were even drunk on the bus.  It makes him a hero to the drunkards and druggies as well.

Does that still make him a hero?

That's why, even though I know my heart would be in the right place, I wouldn't give a random stranger ten dollars.  It's probably why a lot of people don't.

It's a touchy subject.  It also delves into the addiction of giving.  (Probably not much different from the addiction of plastic surgery.)  How much is too much?

Thank you for having a read of it, Anthony.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- Mark

Hey Bill.

Quoted from reef A nice intriguing story, with a sense of debate thrown in. Should be cheap to film.

I've had Kenneth's story in my head for quite some time now, and wanted to show it instead of tell it.  But I think showing his actions would only fit a music video.  There'd be WAY too many cuts and time lapses to get the gist of what he was doing, at least in a short film.  Telling it would not only be easier and cheap to film, but probably the best way to get his actions across in only one scene, without losing much of the power.

Plus, I'm now able to bring in the DEBATE.  If I only showed Mr. Kenny's actions, I'd feel like I was shoving goodness and kindness down people's throats without what negatives it entails, because the main character is only showing one side of the story.

Quoted from Reef One of my principle issues is that who's story is it? If it's Kenny then either he needs to be in it more or less, but not part IMO. If its Gregory's we could do with a tad more connection. If Jaris then we need to follow him for longer have a sense of a missing direction he feel he needs to have etc

But, not going the route of having a main focused character, I can tell the story from several different perspectives, rather than just one or two.

It'll take away from people liking the hero, but there's not a clear-cut hero here.  Just regular people trying to figure out what's good or bad, and realizing there might not be an answer.

Quoted from reef One interesting thing would have been if he started to beg. How would those who objected now take this reversal? Which did they prefer? Which is healthier etc?

That is a brilliant suggestion, and I'm a little pissed I didn't come up with it and explore it.  I definitely will, because I think that'll add a layer that's missing to the overall enjoyment to this kind of tale.

Quoted from reef On balance I have preferred other work of yours but as ever it is an interesting read.

I agree with you here.  But like I said, I had the story in my head for quite a while now, and I wanted to explore and see where it took me.  You definitely gave me something to come back to this story again.

- Mark

How's it goin', Mark?

As a Mark Lyons fan, I had to check this one out.

Opening this one up, I noticed after Kenneth's scene that you intro'ed quite a few people off the bat.  I did have to check back to see who was who but only a few times.  I suggest that you delay Sarah's intro for a bit (Sarah and Susan got mixed up in this as well).  You have a bit of dialogue from Sarah then nothing until page five.  "Susan(or Sarah) listens closely"- that's where I'd intro her.

I know that technically, when a character is seen on screen, you intro them but I think that this could work as well.  That's just me.

This was geared a lot toward dialogue but the subtle lines of action kept this read dynamic and fluid so kudos for that.

So after reading the story, I did like the simple tale and the back and forth debate between Gregory and Rosalie but something did feel like it was missing.  I think it may be that in spite of Kenneth's story and the tension surrounding it, I kept looking back a Jarvis for some reason.  He doesn't know Kenneth but it seems after he learned of his story and him giving away ten dollar bills for no reason, he decided to pick up the torch.

You included the inkling of this with his "seven" remark but I would have liked to have seen it started a bit sooner.  Perhaps him whispering or mouthing inaudible words as people pass during Gregory and Rosalie argument.  To me, Jarvis already made his decision as he put on his headphones and started counting the passing pedestrians so I would add a few glances at him as the story progresses.

Well I've rambled on enough.  I liked the story and it was fun to read.  A lot of sound and fury as Jarvis simply counts, haha.  Take care.

Johnny

A few notes as I go:

• Pg. 1 SARAH BAILEY turns into "Susan" on page 2.
  

You did a good job of getting your point across without sounding too preachy.  

The voices sounded too similar and unnatural at times but overall it was well done.

The name Jarvis sounds a little off for a 20 year old guy.

Conclusion:  A nice story about people and their opinion of what's "right".

Jordan

Hey Mark,

You've really been cracking out these shorts recently.

This one "does exactly what it says on the tin" as the saying goes but there is a nice message embedded at the end with Jarvis willing handing out his own good will. Also a good debate about whether Kenneth was right to be handing out the money - kinda like a twisted Robin Hood story, he was given money by the filthy rich (Yes - the damn government! ;D) and gave it back to the people.

We don't learn much about Kenneth himself and why he strives to help others, but I believe he was a lonely man and doing this good deed not only gave him enjoyment but also helped with his said loneliness, hence being around people on the bus. When this is taken away from him, he decides to commit suicide by starving himself - not sure if I agree with his tactics or whether I find it believable but still a nice story on the goodness of people.

I guess my problem with this one was the way it unfolded, in which I mean we're told the story rather than seeing it which results in two talking heads and a lot of dialogue (which I thought was being separated by superfluous action until the end) and that for me made this quite a tame story I'm afraid.

I was also surprised that the writing was a little clumsy in places, especially having read some of your previous work. Was there supposed to be a Susan at the bus stop? I think that should have been Sarah but was she and her daughter necessary?

A nice tale but it was rather bland. On the bright side, this should be easy to produce.

Best of luck with it. :)

Steve

Mark,

How's it going, man? How's the back? All recovered now, I hope?

I've had a busy few weeks, with travelling, trying to complete my Masters thesis as well as producing my short and so, unfortunately, I haven't been able to read any of the previous comments... So I apologise if my review is merely identical to what others have written!

First off, I saw this floating around in the portal for a little while, but only decided to read it when I knew it had been penned by you, because I was not a fan of the title. I know the title sums up Kenneth perfectly, but there wasn't something about it that I wasn't a huge fan of... sorry for being vague!

Ok, so onto the script itself. I really enjoyed this. What I love about your writing style is that you weave these great stories from 'everyday' kind of guys/ events. What I loved about this one was how you created the air of mystery from the set-off; I wanted to continue reading to find out who Kenneth was.

One thing I might suggest is that when Gregory is telling Jarvis the story of Kenneth, maybe intersperse this with some visuals of the events he is talking about? Screenwriting is a visual medium, and I think it might make this more appealing to a future director; as he won't simple be placing his camera in front of a bus stop and filming people talk for nine pages. Might be cool to have Gregory and Rosalie debating Kenneth's actions whilst we see him carrying them out?

I liked how you concluded this one as well. As soon as Jarvis said "seven", I knew where this was going and smiled to myself. Nice little message about how good deeds can influence further good (well, that's how I read it, anyway).

I did spot one typo whilst reading:

Page 2- "A couple people wait..." should that be "a couple of"?

Great stuff as always, man.

Hope you're physically well.

Toby.

Hey John.

Sorry it took a couple days to get back to you.

It's tough to open a script with a group of people, and even harder for the reader to get a clear picture of who's who right off the bat.  The only thing I can hope for, especially in a short, is that by the end, the characters stand apart from each other.

Thanks for the compliments.  I know there's very little action, but I thought there was enough that it got the story across.  Not only would filming Kenny on the bus doing this over and over be painstaking, but it might also be a bit boring to watch.

Thanks for taking the time to read, Johnny.

- Mark

Hey Jordan.

Thanks for checking the story out.

Wow.  Good catch on the 'Sarah' and 'Susan' thing.  I honestly can't think for one moment why I would've introduced her as Sarah.  She was Susan ever since square one when I sat down and wrote this.  Even in my hand-written notes.  Lol.  I'm honestly at a loss for words.

Thanks for your thoughts on it.  I know it has its blemishes.  Hopefully I'll be able to iron things over and make it pop a little more.

- Mark

What's up, Steve?

Yeah, I have been banging some shorts out, huh?  This'll probably be the last one for a while.  I'm working on some features I really want to get finished.

I like your comparison of a twisted Robin Hood tale.

I don't know if it's straight suicide, though.  He's just trying to bring attention to something that he feels shouldn't have been taken away.  I guess one could argue he's a cry baby and won't stop until he gets what he wants.  I tried to bring in a little something about him being a martyr, but it just didn't seem to work.

I guess I was a little clumsy in this one, huh.  A couple more hiccups here and there.  This was one that even though I had the story in my head for a LONG time, I wrote it out in a short time and never really looked at it again properly.  I should.

Thanks for your thoughts and honesty, Steve.  I'm glad it worked for the most part.

- Mark

Hey Toby.

The back's doing good.  For the most part, recovered.  I'm back to my regular workout now (minus the sit-ups still), and I still don't trust myself at a full sprint, but the jogging's going good.

I hope your thesis went over well.  (As I hope your short does, too.)

Lol.  I think I'm notorious now for people not liking my titles.  Which is funny, because I love all my titles, and I'll probably never change them.

I had this story in my head for a while now, and I always liked not knowing Kenny that well.  His mystery.  Even though I've tried telling the story from his angle before, I kind of always knew I'd be telling it through somebody else's eyes just so all the details don't have to be there.

I've actually thought about using flashbacks to show Mr. Kenny counting the people get on the bus, but thought it would get in the way of the flow of Jarvis counting the people who walk by.  Seeing somebody count the people going by I thought would enforce Mr. Kenny's actions naturally in their mind.  (Whether they knew of the people walking by in the background or not.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts on this one, Toby.  And I hope you had fun travelling as well.

Hey Mark,

I read this awhile ago, but only got some time to comment recently.

Pg. 1 You should probably note Jarvis’ work clothes in his introduction.

Pg. 8 “Gregory Just blows him off” This seems like a harsher description then what I think you intended.

So I just learned that “busses” is a correct spelling, albeit the lesser used one.

Would disability really be cut off because the government doesn’t agree with the way the money’s being used? This may seem like a small suspension of disbelief problem, but if the parameters of this debate aren’t realistic, the discussion can only have so much impact.

Pg. 9 “He doesn’t have a ten.” Can’t really be shown.
Maybe have the Man say “What’s this for?” before Jarvis walks away. In my head I imagined a longer distance. One that would require shouting.

Pg. 10 Your last line doesn’t have enough ‘finality’ for me. Maybe have the bus doors close and drive off?

The number of character’s introduced up front made me pause a couple of times. Not really a big deal, but Susan and her Daughter weren’t that import to the piece and their appearance could be delayed a bit to ease us into the characters.

I like what you did with Jarvis counting the people throughout the script. I missed it the first time, but I really appreciate stories that have elements that would enrich a second reading or viewing.

Now if the point of this is a feel good, family friendly type story about giving, this pretty much does the trick. If however, this is intended to be more serious and thought provoking, there may be some missed avenues for Gregory and Rosalie’s debate to go down.

For starters, if Kenneth isn’t working and only survives by living at a shelter, then the taxpayers definitely picked up the tab on that hospital visit. As a matter of fact, everyday he spent eating and sleeping at the mission, he was essentially living off the charity of others. You start adding this up and it looks like Kenneth has received about as much charity as he’s given. Does this set his ‘karma meter’ at an even zero? Or is there something intangible about the act of giving that goes beyond just the money.

It seems as though you tried to position Jarvis taking a middle-ground sort of position. He says he’ll only give when he can, for now. But I think it might be more effective if he could find his way to the realization that gifts of one’s time, knowledge, or empathy can be just as powerful as the gift of simple money.

Some may not like the talking head aspect, but it didn’t bother me much. I was interested in the conversation and got past it easily. I really like that you’re taking on serious issues here and It’s nice to see something that stimulates the ‘social awareness’ part of my brain, but in its current form this just scratches the surface for me. On the upside there’s a lot of room for this to grow.

Good luck with it,

Eric

What the hell is this crap?  Where is the sadistic streak?  Where is the misogyny?  The hopelessness?  I do not read your stuff for puppy dogs and rainbows, I can tell you that.

I was going to bust your chops about the number of characters here until I got what you were going for.  You still might consider having them wander up one by one, as a less forgiving reader might read this early mass-introduction as a rookie mistake and sign out at page one.

The story proceeds in an interesting fashion from there, and while the back and forth dialogue between the passengers is interesting, it may run a little long.

Near the end, I think it would be nice if Jarvis were to give the money to a child or teen instead of a random adult.  Looking back, I do not see much for Sarah and her daughter to do.  Why not have Sarah holding a baby, then have your number 10 be some kid with a backpack?  Just a thought, anyway.

Is this drawn from something that you read about?  Something that actually happened?  It really has that sort of a feel to it.  Something everyday and real -- and I point that out as a strength here, not a weakness.

For a piece that is driven primarily by dialogue, at least its heart is in the right place.  While it is probably no surprise that I prefer your darker stuff, it is good to show that you can work with something a bit more palatable to a broader audience.

I would not be surprised at all if this short were to generate some interest from a filmmaker looking for something inexpensive and accessible.  

Hey Eric.

Sorry I'm a little late replying to this one.

Quoted from EWall Would disability really be cut off because the government doesn’t agree with the way the money’s being used? This may seem like a small suspension of disbelief problem, but if the parameters of this debate aren’t realistic, the discussion can only have so much impact

I can't remember where I came across it, but there are instances where it has been cut off when the government found out it was all going to church tithes.

And yeah, I understand what you mean about the 'finality' of the ending.  It's a little bit of a fizzler.  I'm sure there is more room to expand on it, (I agree with you, I just barely scratched the surface), but I wanted to put this out there and hopefully get a quick little film out of it, and if it makes people think and attracts some attention and a budget, I could see expanding this one.)

Thanks again for checking it out.

- Mark

Quoted from bert What the hell is this crap?  Where is the sadistic streak?  Where is the misogyny?  The hopelessness?  I do not read your stuff for puppy dogs and rainbows, I can tell you that.

Oh, it's coming.  A couple more weeks.  :-)  You won't be disappointed.

Quoted from bert Is this drawn from something that you read about?  Something that actually happened?  It really has that sort of a feel to it.  Something everyday and real -- and I point that out as a strength here, not a weakness.

No, it's not based on anything that really happened.  (As far as I know about, anyway.)  I was just riding the bus one day and Kenneth's story just sort of popped into my head.  I sat on it for a year or two, and then in May, after I broke my back and was denied disability, (I was also denied before when I wasn't allowed to work because of heart surgery), Kenneth's story sort of popped into my head again and I wrote this real quick to get it out of my system.

Thanks for checking it out, Bert.  Sorry it doesn't have the darkness of my usual stuff, but like I said, you won't be disappointed in the next couple things to come, if you find the time to check them out.

- Mark