Shelter by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short, Drama - When the Manageress of a men's refuge seeks to impose her authority by ejecting a wayward resident, she discovers he has a persuasive ally. - pdf, format 8)

Hey Bill,

Good to see you have another short up. First off, it's very well written, though I'm not big on grammar. I did notice an orphaned MINI SLUG at the bottom of page 4.

On page 2 - "Margaret stands by the sink, washing up dishes - intense." I think you can do w/ out the dash and intense. You can even reword it like "Margaret scrubs dishes at the sink with intensity." Or something like that.

On page 5 - "Margaret steps back, thrown by the force." I know you were talking about thrown by the force of Lucinda's words, but it did make me do a double take.

Also, near bottom of page 5 - "Daren sits upright, leans forward. He smirks." Smirks felt like the wrong word. I usually associate smirking with something obnoxious. Maybe it's just me.

Overall, I enjoyed this. It was pretty straight forward, had a nice message. Your characters were fleshed out pretty well -- Margaret and Daren with the arcs, Lucinda pretty much the voice of reason, the mediator.

Though when Daren tells Margaret that his friend was killed -- I'd rather have Margaret, on her own, without being told this, make the turn around when she has Daren help her around the place.

Again, nice work, man.

-- Michael

Hey Bill,

Good story, everything unfolded theme-wise for you here.  I'm not going to say that Darren's character was a let down, but Lucinda got in the way of Darren having more impact toward the end.

The way I see it, this story is about Maggie/Lucinda, which is good because a great story doesn't just battle a protag and antag -- it puts them in direct competition with each other.  Maggie's way is tough, but Lucinda's way is sustaining, who's method is correct?  Well, for me, Lucinda's on the nose dialogue regarding Darren rolled over on Maggie, which caused her to shift her thinking.  

I'm not saying Lucinda is the intended antagonist, maybe Maggie's own methods are, but since Maggie falls under the protag category, I felt it wrapped up too nicely without exploring what drives Maggie and how she prevails on her own terms with Darren.

A few side notes:

-- "As the door opens she gasps, steps back shocked."  I thought if she dropped the keys could've had a better effect.

-- "Margaret throws him an angry stare."  A bit awkward, "Margaret scowls at him." might have been better.

-- I thought Darren's smirk was appropriate in his own right, clever.

-- Eczema in the dialogue was good, but in the lines was a bit overwhelming.

Something I noticed:

-- Margaret stops, puts a hand to her mouth. Spins back.
   (A few lines down) Margaret’s face melts. She sighs.

I think it's totally OK to use just the verb in a separate sentence in the same paragraph, because the pronoun is implied and not dependent to exist, but is it consistent?  I know you are big on slimming down the page, but if the story warrants a few more fillers, then why not?  The only reason I bring it up is because "Twinkle, Twinkle" (good one btw) was a much more efficient read, even though you implemented a similar style in some areas.

That's just my take on it, could be a bit fogged in my assessment here, but I enjoyed the story in many detailed ways.

Later,

Johnny

Bill,

Nice and simple.  Works as it is, though I guess I was expecting something more -- either from the situation or the characters, as in the end it all seemed a bit light.

Perhaps there wasn’t enough space to really dig into these characters and make us feel for their situation?  I also wonder if having Lucinda mediating between Daren and Margaret works against the conflict of the set-up?

I like that it was Daren’s idea to buy Margaret the flowers -- shows some foresight on his part and a gesture to make things right.  Though maybe that reveal could play a stronger part later in the story?  

p.5 -- ‘Think I’ve got time have to chat...’ Reads off to me.

And I think the slug police might want to ask you a few questions about that transition from stairway to corridor in your opening paragraph...   :)

All the best.  

Steve.

Thanks Michael, Johnny and Steve

All useful feedback. Appreciated.

This was written two years ago for a UK competition and I remembered it whilst on holiday it and thought it was worth posting as relatively cheap to produce. The competition had a six page limit, which I have just tweaked a tad, so I didn't have to play with at the time. Now I do.

I don't know about you lot but some scripts I post here are pretty much what I want to see, others are more open. This one is open as I am curious as to what I can do with it, what extra it requires.

Having read your comments and thought about this one again, I need a few filler additions to join the thematic dots - ie talking solves problems - and make the reactions/motivations consistent. Not much to do on that but still needs a tweak.

The bigeger question I have is whether to extend this into a longer short and if so where I should take this?

I still want to keep it low budget so I think it will remain contained within the shelter.

I also think Daren needs a more active role. His role is very much the pawn, being blow around by events out of his control, but I like the idea of him showing what he has to break out, but only if assisted by the others, a team effort.

Thanks again.

Hey Bill, good to see another short from you.

Michael, Johnny and Steve seem to have covered pretty much everything that came to me when I read this.  For instance, I thought Daren was going to be central to the story but it's actually more Lucinda and Margaret which was a nice surprise.

Nothing much else to say other than this was a nice little story.  There was no huge shock or twist, just an everyday tale of love and forgiveness.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The bigeger question I have is whether to extend this into a longer short and if so where I should take this?

This could be extended to answer the question: "Which is better: tough love or passive love?"  Maggie and Lucinda both come with declarations.  Maggie, is molded through hard work and dedication; however, Lucinda prefers to give gifts and praise.  So how to you answer that question...

Quoted from Reef Dreamer I also think Daren needs a more active role.

This question should be answered through Daren, although it can't be easy.  You could take a more ambiguous approach and lay the facts on the table for the reader to decide, but I feel Maggie has strong enough desires and underlying motive to prevail here thematically.

The idea for Daren is simple, give a reason why,

External: if Daren were to leave, what are the consequences?

It should be harsh enough for the reader to want mercy, "i don't think he should go, so I'll side with Lucinda."  Those consequences should be severe enough to build some tension.

Internal: why should we care about Daren? "Daren's ungrateful after all he has been given, so I'll side with Maggie."  Daren's character should dictate the story.

So, how does Maggie achieve victory without feeling like a forced belief?  It works for a moment, but you are not changing our point of view because Maggie didn't deserve it.  It's all about how you want to answer the question, "Whose methods are best?"

I think it has real potential be an outstanding short!  Hope this helped.

Johnny

Quoted from alffy Hey Bill, good to see another short from you. Michael, Johnny and Steve seem to have covered pretty much everything that came to me when I read this.  For instance, I thought Daren was going to be central to the story but it's actually more Lucinda and Margaret which was a nice surprise. Nothing much else to say other than this was a nice little story.  There was no huge shock or twist, just an everyday tale of love and forgiveness.

Thanks Alffy,

Glad it worked for you.

As you say I went down the gritty, realistic route with this, which could simply be depressing, but against trend i went for the upbeat conclusion. whilst it does work I feel it needs a tad more so will be giving a few tweaks in due course.

Cheers

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo This could be extended to answer the question: "Which is better: tough love or passive love?"  Maggie and Lucinda both come with declarations.  Maggie, is molded through hard work and dedication; however, Lucinda prefers to give gifts and praise.  So how to you answer that question... This question should be answered through Daren, although it can't be easy.  You could take a more ambiguous approach and lay the facts on the table for the reader to decide, but I feel Maggie has strong enough desires and underlying motive to prevail here thematically. The idea for Daren is simple, give a reason why, External: if Daren were to leave, what are the consequences? It should be harsh enough for the reader to want mercy, "i don't think he should go, so I'll side with Lucinda."  Those consequences should be severe enough to build some tension. Internal: why should we care about Daren? "Daren's ungrateful after all he has been given, so I'll side with Maggie."  Daren's character should dictate the story. So, how does Maggie achieve victory without feeling like a forced belief?  It works for a moment, but you are not changing our point of view because Maggie didn't deserve it.  It's all about how you want to answer the question, "Whose methods are best?" I think it has real potential be an outstanding short!  Hope this helped. Johnny

Thanks Johnny for all those thoughts. Most useful.

Inevitably what I am trying to show is how messy the situation can be, how difficult it is to see what is right. The tension between the two opposing theorises, yet seeking the same outcome - helping the vulnerable - is indeed a worth exploration.

I will be embellishing this in due course.

Cheers

Hey Bill,

Not a bad little tale, however I think if you extended it it might work better. I did not sympathize with Darren at all. Perhaps the reason for him getting trashed should have been more personal. I know he lost a good friend, but that friend was also involved in drugs and, in reality, his loss just didn't resonate with me. I would have felt more sympathy for Darren had he lost a dog that he cared for while at the shelter. Saw it get hit by a car or something. Not a great example, I know, but losing something he loved would've made his plight more sympathetic.

The eczema on his arm made me cringe. I liked it.

Something along those lines could have spiced up the tension between Lucinda and Maggie. There is tension between them, but I feel it needs to be more intense to make those two characters interesting. A neat little idea would be to have Maggie maybe toss out the flowers. Throw them in the trash. That would have said a lot with no dialogue. Then perhaps, as Maggie's arc turns, have her fish those flowers out of the trash. Something like that.

Anyway, just my thoughts. It was well written, but it just didn't grab me as is.

Steve

Bill,

thought about this a little more.  One thing that stood out to me was Margaret’s attitude to the situation and the questions it raises.

It’s my guess that managing a mens’ shelter would be a pretty tough and selfless job where a great deal of patience would be required.  Assuming Margaret’s been doing it a while, why at this point in particular does she feel so desperate and let down?  Is there something in Daren’s behavior in particular that prompts this change in her?
  
Could there be something that ties them together?  Chris perhaps? (I think that was the name of Daren's friend).

Anyways, good luck with it. Let me know if you need a read.

Steve.

Bill, as always, enjoy reading your stuff both here and on MP.  Here is a case of a story that I thought was working pretty well until the end, and then it seemed to just end abruptly with a tidy resolution to the story. It's hard for me to imagine Maggie being a hard ass all throughout the story, and then in the course of half a page she's suddenly Darin's best friend.  You either need to soften her up some earlier in the story or provide some incentive for her to want to change her opinion. E.g., what if Darin has completely cleaned up the room--made it spotless--before Maggie comes back in?  Maybe she sees he's trying to play by the rules even though he's hurting from the death of his friend.  Maybe he agrees to help in the kitchen to lighten Maggie's load. This provides a quid pro quo for Maggie to be generous in return.  Just a thought; otherwise good effort here.

Gary