The Unlikely Fishes and Loaves by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short, Comedy - Jesus feeds a whole bunch of people, but no drinks. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

I'm not even sure you know why you wrote this. There is a gentle humour that rides through it, but there's some stuff that I don't get - Jesus uses Devil Dwarf's lunch-box - is there some meaning behind this? At the end ...? I don't get the message -- opening an eatery implies commercialism, but you've also got the cross is the boss element in there - it feels like mixed messages.

You've stuck in a couple of nice digs -- 'Why can't you feed us standing up' & 'CROSS buns'.

So you've played with it, and some of it's genuinely funny, but I think it needs a little more weight behind the humour. JMO.

Simon thanks for the read.

Quoted from Simon I'm not even sure you know why you wrote this.

;D;D

This is the 3rd and probably last of my "Unlikely" series... after The Unlikely Temptations and the Unlikely Last Supper.

Quoted from Simon but there's some stuff that I don't get - Jesus uses Devil Dwarf's lunch-box - is there some meaning behind this?

The midget devil has been used in all 3, he is merely taking the place of the young boy from the bible story.

Quoted from Simon I don't get the message -- opening an eatery implies commercialism, but you've also got the cross is the boss element in there - it feels like mixed messages.

In all 3 shorts(I don't know if you read the last 2) but I basically took the bible stories and set them in the 21st century... kind of what would Jesus do if he was around now, in a funny sort of way. With Bob the Midget playing the devil in each one.

Quoted from Simon So you've played with it, and some of it's genuinely funny, but I think it needs a little more weight behind the humour. JMO.

Thanks Simon... I was hoping to do a little web series with them

Mark

This one fell a little short for me.  The others, I thought were great; this one... not so much.  The set up were there and then you end it.  You could've gone much further with it, IMHO.  There wasn't as much Seinfeld-esque whining, which made the stories.


Phil

Quoted from irish eyes This is the 3rd and probably last of my "Unlikely" series... after The Unlikely Temptations and the Unlikely Last Supper.

Duh  :P yeah, I do remember reading the unlikely temptations - quite liked that one  :)

web series?? Yeah, I think that could work - I don't think that you totally disrespect what you're working with, and I think you have a good feel for it -- are you going to film it yourself? And can I play Jesus? (Joke, joke, it's a joke :) )

Mark,

The premise is great.  There's a lot of funny stuff you could do with Jesus in the 21st century, but this didn't work for me.

I was always waiting for a good punchline but it never came.

I was so hopeful when this opened with Jesus and Moses sitting on a bench in Central Park, but it just kind of hovered between offensive and almost funny.

A couple things I would have done:

• Don't call Moses, "Old Man".  Just call him Moses right away.  It would start the script off like a bad joke, but in a good way.
  
• Have Moses ask Jesus if they've met, and show a burning bush behind Jesus.  
  
• Maybe a guy with a shirt that says "Atheist" is pissing on the bush.
  
• Instead of Moses using an iPhone, have him use a JooJoo tablet.  If Jesus is going to call it a tablet, it might as well be a tablet. Plus, Moses using a JooJoo tablet?  That joke writes itself.  Say they only made three of them and one of them broke.
  
• I'd remove the cussing.  It doesn't add anything to the humor.
  

Other things I would change would require major changes to the story so I'll leave it at that.

Jordan

Hey up, Mark.

I wonder why you didn't describe Jesus, I mean how can I picture him?  Only joking...

I noticed a few typos but sorry I didn't make a note of them.

My main issue is that I don't really get it.  That's probably just me not knowing the bible enough though.  I didn't get the reason for going out on the boats either.

Some funny lines and images but due to my lack of education (religious studies was always a skive for me) it went over my head.

Hey little Mark.  :-)

Got some time this morning and was finally able to take a look, being a fan of the two previous 'Unlikely's.

I think this one's the weakest for me, as well.  It had it's humourous moments, 'Why can't you feed us standing?', and hot cross buns.

But as a whole, I didn't get the same satisfaction out of this one that others gave me.

I could definitely see this being a successful little web-series, though.  It'd be a lot of fun to film.

- Big Mark

Quoted from Phil This one fell a little short for me.  The others, I thought were great; this one... not so much.  The set up were there and then you end it.  You could've gone much further with it, IMHO.  There wasn't as much Seinfeld-esque whining, which made the stories.

Thanks for the read, it does need a little beefing up ;D

Quoted from Simon web series?? Yeah, I think that could work - I don't think that you totally disrespect what you're working with, and I think you have a good feel for it -- are you going to film it yourself? And can I play Jesus? (Joke, joke, it's a joke  )

I think you'd make a great Jesus ;D  

I would love to film it myself, I just have very little time and very little experience behind the camera. I had a company from Canada who were gung ho to film the Unlikely Last Supper, but for some reason fell through :(

Thanks again for the read

Mark

Quoted from Jordan Mark, The premise is great.  There's a lot of funny stuff you could do with Jesus in the 21st century, but this didn't work for me. I was always waiting for a good punchline but it never came. I was so hopeful when this opened with Jesus and Moses sitting on a bench in Central Park, but it just kind of hovered between offensive and almost funny. A couple things I would have done: Don't call Moses, "Old Man".  Just call him Moses right away.  It would start the script off like a bad joke, but in a good way. Have Moses ask Jesus if they've met, and show a burning bush behind Jesus.   Maybe a guy with a shirt that says "Atheist" is pissing on the bush. Instead of Moses using an iPhone, have him use a JooJoo tablet.  If Jesus is going to call it a tablet, it might as well be a tablet. Plus, Moses using a JooJoo tablet?  That joke writes itself.  Say they only made three of them and one of them broke. I'd remove the cussing.  It doesn't add anything to the humor. Other things I would change would require major changes to the story so I'll leave it at that. Jordan

Hey Jordan thanks for the read and comments... some funny shit you got there and duly noted.
I'll be making a few changes, I love when the SS members chime in with their own ideas and I steal them :D

I actually thought I wrote ipad not iphone because the joke was about a tablet... obviously I should have caught that.

I will be making a few changes, as others have stated this is the weakest of the 3 and I agree, that's what rewrites are for :D

If you wanna read from me... pm me

Mark

As I read and I’ve not read any other comments as I do this so sorry if there’s repeats of stuff you’ve already been told about.

The logline made me smile for some reason.

“The Warden takes Moses away, but not before he waves his hand towards the lake.” – I couldn’t tell from the action is it was Moses or the Warden who did this. If you describe the action as it happens and as we will visualise it, then it will make it easier to understand.

It’s got a nice, crazy energy to this script.

Bob the Devil Midget is a funny name but is it a name or is he actually a devil midget? If Bob is his name and he’s a Devil Midget it should be BOB, a Devil Midget dressed in a cheap fisherman’s costume.

Who is PETER and what does he look like? You are not introducing your characters properly.

So the Smelly old Man smells like he’s dead! How is the audience supposed to know this, will they be able to smell him? If you want to show the audience he is smelly you can describe his appearance and a reaction from other people to prove he stinks.

So I got to the end of this and felt huge disappointment. As I said, some great zany energy in this and I love the bonkersness (I may have just invented that word) but in the end it doesn’t go anywhere and finishes on a joke I didn’t get. Pity as I feel this idea has potential.

*Just read the other comments. didn't realise it was part of a series of stories, that may help it make more sense.*

Oh Holy Baby Jesus...Mark you do make me chuckle. You got Moses...Jesus and God spare the devil midgets! O-M-G

I got laughs all the way through this. The dialogue needs cleaning up in a few spots and you have typos to fix but overall the story was entertaining until the end Mark. I think the ending let me down. I was in for the ride and ran out of gas. I super loved the first 2/3 of this thing though. I look forward to reading if you do a rework on it.

Keep us posted. You have a knack for writing funny. :)

ANTHONY!!!!

Thanks for the read bro

Quoted from Alffy Hey up, Mark. I wonder why you didn't describe Jesus, I mean how can I picture him?  Only joking... I noticed a few typos but sorry I didn't make a note of them. My main issue is that I don't really get it.  That's probably just me not knowing the bible enough though.  I didn't get the reason for going out on the boats either. Some funny lines and images but due to my lack of education (religious studies was always a skive for me) it went over my head.

Jesus is a small green guy, with pointy ears, that lives in a spooky forest and makes things float.... or is that yoda? I always get them mixed up

Even though I was raised a Catholic, I still know nothing about the bible... that's what google is for ;D  

and to simplify even more, I use the children's version ;D;D

http://www.dltk-bible.com/cv/jesus_feeds_five_thousand.htm

I'm glad you didn't get the reason for the boat scene... neither did I. ;D

Apparently they went out in a boat to get away from the crowd, did nothing and came back in ;D

Thanks again

Mark

When can I read your feature?

Hey Mark
    I'm reading the 3rd and last part of the Jesus trilogy.  Here goes:

1.  top of page 2, you say homeless people are shop karts.  Shouldn't it be shopping carts or karts (british thingy maybe??)

Well, that was short.  I agree with all the comments above.  How do we know the guy smells like death?  

And you don't take it far enough.  I think I read them in order.  I think the quality of the idea kinda went down with each story.  The first one was really funny, the second was good, the last was perhaps rushed or something.

Again, you have a lot of good ideas, but, you do hold yourself back.  This is God, Jesus, and Satan.  You can go to town.

Oh, I'd be prepared to doge lightning bolts, but, as long as you do a better job then Cartman (for HumanCentipad) you'll be fine.....  Really.

Can't add much more other then rewrite and make it crazier.

More "unlikely" scripts pls, these are hiliarious  ;D

I like to see more unbecoming behavior of Jesus though, the sidekicks steal the show so far. Thanks for the laf

Nice one, put them all together and call it 'The passion of the christ' :)

Quoted from Dan Hey Mark     I'm reading the 3rd and last part of the Jesus trilogy.  Here goes: 1.  top of page 2, you say homeless people are shop karts.  Shouldn't it be shopping carts or karts (british thingy maybe Well, that was short.  I agree with all the comments above.  How do we know the guy smells like death?   And you don't take it far enough.  I think I read them in order.  I think the quality of the idea kinda went down with each story.  The first one was really funny, the second was good, the last was perhaps rushed or something. Again, you have a lot of good ideas, but, you do hold yourself back.  This is God, Jesus, and Satan.  You can go to town. Oh, I'd be prepared to doge lightning bolts, but, as long as you do a better job then Cartman (for HumanCentipad) you'll be fine.....  Really. Can't add much more other then rewrite and make it crazier.

And just like Jesus my scripts have risen from the dead :D:D:D

Thanks Dan, this one is probably the weakest of the 3.  It was revised, I really gotta put the updated version on here.

Quoted from Hank More "unlikely" scripts pls, these are hiliarious   I like to see more unbecoming behavior of Jesus though, the sidekicks steal the show so far. Thanks for the laf

Thank you Hank, glad you enjoyed them

Quoted from Equinox Nice one, put them all together and call it 'The passion of the christ'

;D;D;D