Serious People by James Shea - Thriller - Three gangsters, a policewoman, a hitman, a showbiz manager and a reforming rock band are all trying to be serious people in their own right.  100 pages - pdf, format 8)

James,

I had to stop reading this after 3 pages because it's written like it went through a translator.  Take the very first paragraph:  "Brownie is stood in an empty graveyard looking at two fairly recent head stones."

Why not just say:  BROWNIE, (AGE), stands in an empty graveyard looking at two fairly new head stones."

You also describe things that are know as, unfilmable, which means that you're telling us something that can't be shown on the screen.

I'm pretty sure that English isn't your primary language so I'd recommend having someone who is fluent in both your primary language, and English, proofread your script.

If I'm wrong about the language thing then you have a much greater problem with your writing.  All I can recommend for that is to read a lot, write a lot, and repeat as necessary.  Maybe take a few grammar/writing/English classes.

Jordan

I have to disagree with the above comment. The phrasing in the screenplay sounds authentically Irish or Anglo-Irish - which would be entirely consistent with the characters' names. The English language has a lot of variants - all of which are legitimate, and all of which can add flavor. The movie world, and its component markets also exists outside Southern California. To sit in LA trashing a form of English just because it's not spoken in SoCal unfair on the author.

There is absolutely no way a sentence like "Brownie is stood in an empty graveyard" can add "flavor" to a script. Not to be harsh on the writer. But it reads poorly.

It's best to keep verbs active, especially in screenwriting. "Brownie is stood" could easily be written as "Brownie stands". Same with the next paragraph -- "Brownie is aged in his early forties" could be "he's in his forties", or better yet, include that info when you intro the character.

There are some other issues here... no FADE IN, improper character intros, the use of adverbs, and telling instead of showing (we have no way of knowing the graves belong to his wife and daughter).

Not even sure the author's around, but I wanted to give my two cents.

Will

If a character says "Brownie is stood", that's perfectly acceptable. It's colloquial and adds dimension to a character.

However, using that phrase in action description, is not correct, no matter where the writer is from.

Even in a screenplay, with its sentence fragments and short, sharp action lines, the rules of grammar and correct application of tenses apply.

Just a point to note, I have never heard an Irish person say "is stood" and my job has taken me every county.

Eoin

Quoted from Eoin If a character says "Brownie is stood",that's perfectly acceptable. It's colloquial and adds dimension to a character. However, using that phrase in action description, is not correct, no matter where the writer is from. Eoin

I'm with Eoin on this one and know (first hand) this colloquialism is particular to some parts of 'Northern England'.  

It can definitely have its uses in character dialogue.

I scanned through some of this and apart from the particular foible mentioned, overall it's written quite well.

Quoted from Eoin If a character says "Brownie is stood", that's perfectly acceptable. It's colloquial and adds dimension to a character.

Quoted from LC I'm with Eoin on this one and know (first hand) this colloquialism is particular to some parts of 'Northern England'.   It can definitely have its uses in character dialogue.

Curious... why?  How does someone saying "so-and-so is stood" colloquial and add dimension to the character, and which character is it adding to?

Quoted from Guest Curious... why?  How does someone saying "so-and-so is stood" colloquial and add dimension to the character, and which character is it adding to?

It's 'local lingo', Reaper. Any colourful colloquialism or manner of speech can indicate a lot about 'character' where they're from, their economical status, how far their education went - if they were brought up 'in the school of hard knocks' etc.

A character in 'Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels' might well say, 'I is stood outside the Local', for example, while recounting a story to another guy, - which translated ;D means 'I was standing outside the local pub', but some other 'posh guy' wouldn't be seen dead mixing his tenses.

I'm sure you've got your local jargon?!

This isn't terribly written, but definitely needs work.

First off (pretty basic)... a FADE IN to start. Or something. Other ways to open tend to be frowned upon, mostly by other writers, but even an OPEN ON or something along those lines needs to start this one off. Some may feel FADE IN or OPEN ON is redundant since the slug indicates that the picture has started, but it's pretty much screenwriting 101 to at least start with FADE IN.

Also... "so-and-so is stood"... I'm not Irish, so I don't know, but it should be "so-and-so stands"... if it were in a dialogue block, I suppose it would be passable (adding color to the character) but in an action line, it's incorrect.

Quoted Text EXT. GRAVEYARD. DAY. Brownie is stood in an empty graveyard looking at two fairly recent head stones. Brownie is aged in his early forties and has a slight but muscular physique, built from most of his life serving in the army. The head stones mark the graves of his wife and young daughter. He stares solemnly at the head stones.

Again, screenwriting 101, when you introduce a character, you CAP their name and follow it with a description.

Also, "head stones mark the graves of his wife and young daughter." How do we know this is his wife and "young" daughter? Are the head stones unmarked? This isn't written visually. If they are marked, maybe have their names and dates of birth/death marked.

Also, the slug already indicates that we're in a graveyard, no need to repeat in the description that we are in a graveyard.

And an empty graveyard? Empty in what way? No other people? Are there only 2 headstones in the graveyard?

And how do we know he was in the army? I don't mind unfilmables here and there... the army bit kind of does add his essence, but still...

EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY

Rows of old, weather-worn headstones mark numerous grave plots, the grass freshly cut. Standing alone, nobody else in sight --

BROWNIE (early forties), muscular frame with military style crew cut, stares somberly at two headstones - his wife and young daughter. [probably show names/dates on headstone]

Other things I noticed in the first couple of page, some 5 line action blocks... if you go over 4, make sure something very interesting is happening.

The dialogue seems okay. Not nearly as badly written as Nomad made it sound, but still needs lots of work/tuning up. Doesn't completely sound like English isn't a first language...

-- Michael

Quoted from Guest Curious... why?  How does someone saying "so-and-so is stood" colloquial and add dimension to the character, and which character is it adding to?

I'm sure you watch plenty of TV shows. Take any character you like from any of those shows. They all of have their own way of saying something and it's hardly ever perfect grammatically correct English, unless that is relevant to the character.

People from different regions have certain phrases that are unique to them.

There are people in certain parts of Ireland that say, 'I seen that'. The grammatically correct phrase is of course 'I saw that', but that's colloquialism.

Someone from Boston might say 'He went to bang a right'.

Eoin

Didn't really mean to set off a whole side-discussion. While I realize action notes are always most economically and, therefore, for most people most elegantly couched in the present active, what I wanted to object to was the assumption that anyone using an alternative construction, whether vernacular or colloquial, must be a non-native speaker and/or in need of basic or remedial English.

The line in question is not used in dialogue, so as Nomad correctly said, it's very incorrect and reads just terribly.

A character can say anything in dialogue and say it any way, but your action/description passages cannot be written any way you choose - they should be written properly.

Great reason for getting your grammar right - it makes sure that  the discussion of your script doesn't get side-lined into a discussion on grammar.

For the record, 'is stood' is an incorrect conjunction of words. Stood is the past tense (and participle) of 'stands'.

Scripts need to be in both the active and present tense.

The script? Awful in spades. 'The bag is famed for having a variety of
weapons inside.' It's almost all 'tell don't show'. And you trip us up in all the wrong ways - 12 lines into the nightclub, you finally get round to telling us it's empty - that's not an immediate thought when conjuring up a nightclub, so get it in quick. Or stop writing scripts.

Quoted from Eoin Just a point to note, I have never heard an Irish person say "is stood" and my job has taken me every county. Eoin

I've heard it lots of times. My gf's granddad has a Dublin accent. We also say it a lot in the UK. I think they do in Aus too. Although the 'he is' is dropped for favour of 'he's', so he's stood, rather than he is stood. I've honestly heard it lots, it's quite popular and one that not many people are actually aware is a colloquialism.