The Follower's by D. Gilliam - Horror - One day of fun and excitement for the Peterson family? Quickly turn's into one night of HELL.  When the family is followed home by two thirsty cannibal brother's. Surviving threw the night is the hard to reach mission. 88 pages - pdf, format 8)

D., first thing, learn how and when to use apostrophes. There are three errors right off the bat -- in your logline and your title (!).

I'm not even sure you're around so I won't read very far. I will say I caught some errors on the first page alone, some things you might want to clean up.

Your sluglines aren't too great. "OUTSIDE OF PETERSON HOUSE" is redundant because the scene is labeled "EXT." for outside. It should just be "EXT. PETERSON HOUSE".

Next slug is the same thing, but worse. What does "in front of door" mean? What room is that? Is it a foyer? Living room?

Your action lines have some issues as well. Like Dawson's intro. You list a bunch of details... you tell us he's Caucasian, 5'9", and you describe his hairstyle. Unless these details are actually important to the plot, leave them out and let the reader come up with their own picture of the characters.

You also say Dawson is hardworking, which is telling and not showing. Unless we actually see him working -- or we actually see him taking care of his wife and kids -- we won't know this info. Keep in mind film is visual, and we only know things you show on screen. An action line that tells info instead of showing it won't translate to screen at all.

Whoa!!! Enough with the exclamation points!!! Also, is a parenthetical that important to tell us he's yelling? I think that's kind of implied by the dialogue. Actors generally hate parentheticals, so it's generally best to leave them out if dialogue makes sense without them.

You have to write character names in ALL CAPS the first time they appear on screen. Here you tell us Jeremy and Darcelle come down the stairs, but you don't "intro" them until the next paragraph. What's up with that?

So yeah, I obviously have some issues with the writing here. There are a lot of things you could fix.

But all errors aside, the opening just doesn't grab me. A father's downstairs calling his kids to come downstairs so they can leave. Why did you open with that? Is it significant in some way? Is it interesting?

But, I also want to bring up the storyline itself. If it's anything like the logline, it's not that original. Now, I haven't read the whole thing yet so I could be wrong, but a family followed by crazy killers? I mean, come on. Is there anything here we haven't seen before?

Sorry to be harsh. I hope these notes help, if you're around.

Good luck...

Will

One of the worst written loglines I've ever come across.  Honestly, just terrible.  I'ma ctually wondering if English is your first language or not.

Sorry, but zero chance I'm opening this up, as I'm pretty sure what's gong to follow.

Crookedowl basically covered my own issues with The Followers. Then again, the tagline wasn't all that intriguing either. Just take your original concept and come up with another concept and merge the two together, create a hybrid. I just wasn't that impressed with this one.