Saved My Bacon by Tim Westland - Short, Comedy - It's 1913 and a big city reporter travels out to the country to meet The World's Greatest Pig. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Tim,

another competition entry perhaps?  Felt like a play on an old joke -- though not one I was familiar with so it worked enough for me.  A mean spirited little twist in the end.

I like the writing, very visual, though perhaps Farmer Davis’s intro could use a tweak.  That’s all I got.

Steve.

Tim,

Hahaha! Poor little guy! I bet he tasted great.

I would have liked to see the whole family get involved in this one.  Play on the heart strings for another page or two.  As far as the writing goes, it was heavy in some areas, but I enjoyed it as a whole.

Funny ending.

Johnny

Tim,

Enjoyed this one.  Nice ending!  

Your action lines were a little heavy handed at times.  Short and to the point, yes, that was good.  But I'd recommend adding a period here and there to break up some of those sentences.  A few of them read a bit awkward.

Didn't really detract from the story, though.

I also enjoyed your dialogue.  It read fluidly.  Your characters did a good job of telling the story.  

Best of luck, Tim.

Steve

Hey Steven,

Thanks for taking the time to read it and glad you liked it.

This was a MoviePoet script, which has a limit of 5 pages. One goal is to make sure you have a complete story... the other is to make it as compelling as possible in a small space. Normally, I'd break up paragraphs, use a couple of flashbacks for Farmer Davis... spice it up. But space is limited. It's my only excuse :-)

Thanks again for the comments/critique... it is the best way to learn and I appreciate it.

Tim

Hi Steve,

Yup, another entry. And yes, this was based on a joke I heard a long time ago and which remains one of my favorites.  I like to think that it has finally received its due and that whoever came up with the joke would find it worthwhile.

The twist at the very end always kills me.

Thank you for the kind words about my writing... and I agree... I could flesh Farmer Davis out quite a bit. Now that I don't have the 5 page contest limitation, I might do just that!!!

See ya around the board, sir.

Sincerely
Tim

Tim,

I enjoyed this story very much. It read like a breeze for me. Dialogue was natural, and unforced.

It did have that feeling of an old past down joke. Which was good, cause' you nailed the dialogue.

What made me laugh the most, wasn't even the ending line, which was pretty funny though. It was ..

MILO
So, uh, how did your pig -

DAVIS
Name’s just Pig.          

MILO
How did Pig come to need four
wooden legs?

Davis reminded me as an extra from "Deliverance."..lol That's how I pictured him for some reason.

For me it made sense he didn't give him a name, and just names him pig. Fits more so giving the ending.

Overall, some funny stuff here.

Best of Luck Tim

Reel- truth

Thanks, Reel!

Regarding Pig's name... it's funny how some things come to you when writing a script. I could have gone for a funny name, but this just sort of seemed right... like what Farmer Davis would have done.

I'm glad the story gave you a laugh. That's the best kind of review!

Be well,

Tim

Hi Tim

Great story for a short. Nice and to the point. Very enjoyable read, and the dialogue is superbly written. Great hilarious ending as well. Kudos :)

Silva Sly

Hey Tim,

I liked this. It pretty much felt like an old-timey joke, told in script form. The writing was good overrall, though there were parts that could've been shortened:

"The unmistakably metallic SHUK SHUK of a shotgun locking and loading stops Milo in his tracks."

Could have been - SHU-SHUCK! Milo slows. Sees the business end of a shotgun poking out from a hole in the fence. He stops. (combining the above sentence with the sentences that follow).

Other than that, I kind of liked your detailed description, though it's not the style I prefer. But it's only 5 pages, so it was a breeze to read.

Dialogue was good, too, on the most part. There were times when Milo's dialogue felt forced - as if it was used to break up Davis's dialogue, kinda like filler.

Overall, nice work. I love jokes, and you brought a funny (though kinda corny) joke to life.

-- Michael

@Silva - Thanks. The ending (for me) makes the whole thing. I crack up over it.

@Spesh2k - Yup, it is an old joke, but probably not "old-timey". Thanks for the suggestions, critique and comments. Much appreciated.

The main thing I wonder with this is whether it will translate to film well, visually. Cause effectively it's two talking heads and is more of a skit.

Not trying to rain on your parade, I just think it's an interesting proposition and I would be interested in hearing, if without the restriction of page count, how you would develop this further. Just a thought.  

You write really well - I especially enjoyed your jumping off 'description' at the top - which is crucial.

Hey LC,

First, thanks for commenting.

The primary method I would use to make it more visual is, as you'd expect: Flashbacks.

As mentioned, the page count limitation prevented me from using them... all I could do is have Farmer Davis describe the fire. A rewrite would solve this.

So I'd show the fire start as Davis begins the story in V.O.

We'd see Pig sniff the air, smell the smoke, bust out of his pen, run to the house, break in somehow (I picture him leaping impossibly through the kitchen window! haha) and drag the family out to safety.

I'd likely expand the story a tad, too... give the kid reporter a little more to do than just play the straight guy.

Thank you, btw, for your kind compliment about my writing. :-) Like you, I think the opening paragraph is critical to hooking the reader into at least completing the first page. I'm glad it worked for you.

Be well,
Tim