Adam by Neil Harding - Short - Adam cannot go through another day of school. - pdf, format 8)

What did you type this with? Looks scanned.

Anyway, I gave this a shot 'cause of the length. If not for that I would have skipped this one based on the logline alone. It's way too vague, nothing to grab our attention.

Don't put the date on the title page. Especially when it says 2009. Are you saying you haven't made any changes at all since then?

Writing's pretty good. I'm not the best judge of that, but it worked for me.

I guess all there really is to comment on here is the story, and I'm not even sure what happened. Maybe it's just me. All I got from it was (spoiler, obviously) this guy goes to school, in class a knife sticks out his head and at home he cries.

Not bad, but there's not much to this, IMO.

Take care,

Will

Like Crookedowl, I wasn't impressed with the logline but read it because it was short.  I also don't understand this script.  It just went on for four pages.

Wish I could say something more positive but I'm still trying to figure this out.


Phil

Neil,

I like the script. A few things.

First, it's hard to tell where you are going with this in terms of genre. When Adam gets stabbed with a knife, I immediately imagined that on screen, it will have a sort of Tim burton vibe (also with him crying at the end and the blood on the bus). the thing is, the other scenes besides those do not give off that vibe and for something so short, you cannot make swift changes from an ordinary kid to a knife and blood.

Secondly, I think for a montage short, you should make the script just a tad bit shorter. Maybe like half a page so that we don't loose interest.

-Emanuel

P.S. Please review the script San Diego Criminal. It is on the same page as yours.

Hi Neil.

I'm just as baffled as Will and Phil are with this one.  No dialogue pieces are a heck of a challenge in my mind so kudos for tackling it but still scratching my head.

Everything after the "MONTAGE" part seemed like a montage as you didn't end it anywhere so I'm wondering if that was your intent.  No FADE OUT or FADE TO BLACK before the second FADE IN.

Were the "blank" faces actually blank or just blank expressions?  I could go on about what I think is happening but I'd rather hear from you.

-Johnny

Interesting piece of writing! I actually liked the logline - that's why I started reading. I couldn't wait to find out why the heck does Adam hates school so much. I don't get the part with the knife sticking out of his head...? At the end, I just feel terribly sorry for him, and I'm frustrated that I can't help him... it's an incredibly hopeless ending! Wanna change it? Overall I liked your style of writing - simple sentences that don't overload your brain.
Keep up good work
Marcela

I really liked this!

As soon as I saw the format I turned off my screenwriting mind and just read it as a story.

Once I did that I couldn't help but to feel sorry Adam.

It didn't look like anyone was targeting him overtly to bully, but he was just the weakest one on the chopping block.

The images of blood and the knife were shocking symbols showing his inner turmoil? Angst? Despair?

And there was some sort of relationship with the boy in the red jersey. Were they friends? Lovers? A crush?

I couldn't tell what you meant by blank faces though. Were they just expressionless or did they actually turn blank like in Pink Floyd's The Wall?

Great story, but as a script, it misses the mark.

-Jordan

Wow. That was depressing. I don't ordinarily like stories like this and I can't help but wonder if the only reason I like this one is because it may have been written by somebody who actually feels like this - and I don't want to hurt their feelings by disliking it.

A tough one. But the story over all provides food for thought. Which is quite impressive on its own.

Quoted from Don Adam by Neil Harding - Short - Adam cannot go through another day of school. - pdf, format 8)

Hi Neil,

really a depressing script. I feel bad for Adam because bullying is a real issue in high school, but I think you need to do more than create a depressing scene. The audience needs to be able to relate to the character and the character's circumstance. Also, atm it reads more like a PSA instead of a short story. Of course, it's important to expose people to the hard realities of bullying, but we need more than just a situation. We need a story. I hope you expand on the script and keep the raw energy that you set up.

All the best,

Eric

It's nice you're all commenting on this script but I doubt very much the writer will make an appearance when he didn't show up nine years ago.

Commenting on newer scripts might well get better results.
A much better chance anyway.

Ok but I really want to solve this mystery: in 2013, did somebody write this screenplay on a TYPEWRITER?

Quoted from LC It's nice you're all commenting on this script but I doubt very much the writer will make an appearance when he didn't show up nine years ago. Commenting on newer scripts might well get better results. A much better chance anyway.

Good point, Libby.

But at least we're all talking. The phantom writer can just stay in the shadows.

I've been trying to comment on all the new shorts Don posts.

It keeps me engaged with my screenwriter mind and pushes me closer to getting back behind the typewriter/keyboard/Freewrite and spitting out something new.

-Jordan

Quoted from AlsoBen Ok but I really want to solve this mystery: in 2013, did somebody write this screenplay on a TYPEWRITER?

I think they wrote it on Final Draft, then printed it, scanned it, rotated it, then saved it as a PDF.

I don't know of many typewriters that can do bold and underscore and look that clean.

Or maybe my Smith Corona just isn't able to do it well.

-Jordan