Planemo - Print Topic

Hey Ian –

I had the opportunity to go through Planemo, and wanted to get the notes over to you for the weekend. Let me start by saying that I think you’ve got a foundation here that could make a pretty darned good script… though it’ll need honing, polishing and revisions to some extent.  (Which, incidentally, isn’t much of a surprise with ANY script.  I’ve already mentioned the number of times I put my scripts through the rewrite process.  Enough that one gets to the point that you want to throw up, just looking at the script…even though it is your baby…)

I’ll throw a list at the bottom of these notes to indicate misc. things that I particularly liked, that don’t tie into anything worth a bigger discussion.  But the first part of the notes will be primarily theme and thoughts.

Okay – here’s the overall: and don’t think I’m slamming the script.  I’m not. As mentioned above, I think it’s got some very nice potential.  Tons of action, very wide in scope, hard SF, and could be EXTREMELY visual if shot.  But the point of notes is to hit up on the things that could be improved, so that’s what I’m focusing on here.

There are three big things I think you’ll need to tackle when/if you rewrite this script.

One is the amount of description – you need it to be A LOT sparser.  Leaner.  Meaner.  Keep moving.  A standard rule is no more than 3 lines in a description.  Less, if you can get away with it.  Page 46 is a great example of you going over-board there.  (For good reason, you want to convey the scene.)  BTW – people complained that my first draft of Territory was overly descriptive, as well.  I didn’t agree at the time.  But now…  I really recommend redlining a hardcopy version to chop it down.  Only the minimal necessary!  And keep it visceral.  SCREAMS. RIPS. CRASHES. Etc…

Two: I know this is a hard science script, but there’s too much discussion of the science/military strategy.  Discussion of static, EM interference, etc.  A little’s okay and necessary, to make the logic clear.  But too much will put your reader to sleep, esp. if it doesn’t drive the emotional heart of the plot line forward, which is the absolutely most important thing.

Finally – and this is by far the most important issue… I didn’t connect with any of the characters.  There really didn’t feel to me like there was a clear protag (other than Radcliffe, to a certain extent), or much going on the way of emotion (other than, let’s survive and find the missing crew!)  Hard science is great – but readers connect with people.  What I highly recommend is that you pick out a few characters and really flesh them out with personalities, conflicts, emotions, etc.  And the great thing is that if you do cut down on the description, that’ll give you plenty of page space to do it in.

Just some random ideas here: what if one of the characters has family on the Ambrose?  That gives them a reason to NOT want to leave…orders or no orders. (Otherwise, why stay in the middle of an interstellar war over a piece of icy rock?)  Play up that the humans are physically trapped between the advanced aliens and the crunchies…they can’t leave, even if they wanted to.  Build up conflict with characters as to whether it’s immoral to be killing the aliens…with a scientist character (for instance) taking the view that it’s genocide (maybe for the advanced aliens, but the crunchies are just animals and can be destroyed), vs. another believing that they’re all a bunch of bugs that need to be exterminated (ie: flip Kleidon’s position on p. 89.)  And PLAY UP the mystery of the reason of the reason the two factions are fighting…  More teasers with the crunchies physical abilities (mirror in the caterpillar and other life forms as well?)  Save the reveal until the last possible second.  That’ll help build interest and tension.  Everyone’s stuck in the middle of an alien war…and they don’t even know why. BTW – you’ve got a much harder research job with this than I did with Stream as far as science goes.  The more you can research what life would be like on a Planemo/Rogue Planet, and the more way-out it is…in a realistic sense…the better.  I know you did it already, hinting that they can control the planet’s magnetic field, but push it even further.  And don’t let the audience realize the crunchies are sentient until very near the end.  Get that one-two punch in here, and hit it hard.

Just a few thoughts, here.  But really – take a few of the characters and REALLY build up their personalities, our sympathy for them…and add to mystery and conflict where possible.  Planemo’s hard SF/combat now.  It needs a soft spot here and there for contrast….

Nice touches (keepers)  - and misc typos

    Love that the ship’s named Yokohama.  It’s a great throwback to 80’s cyber SF.
    Crunchies!  Wonderful term.  I have a feeling that’s not made up?
    p. p11: Well said.  (good line)(I’ll abbreviate this to “gl” from here on in.
    p. 13: Suck vacuum/pound sand (gl)
    When an officer says something’s simple (gl)
    The discovery of the caterpillar – nice potentially dangerous occurrence. (Although, they seem pretty blasé about it, given that it’s a new planet and the thing could be venomous
    P. 28 – love the “taking a leak” bit…  although, wouldn’t the armor have a ‘relief’ system in it, the way that astronauts now have diapers?  Perhaps it’s malfunctioning in this case.    “Well, it is.” (gl)
    P. 30 Ears comment (gl)
    P. 31 Well, that changes things (gl)
    P. 32 Standing in frozen p*ss (gl) (as you can tell, I’m not squeamish.)
    P. 24 Yum.  (gl)
    P. 42 The “flopping” effect – very nice visual
    P. 52 YO mouth (typo)
    P. 58 – It occurs to me here that the humans are being relatively calm about encountering aliens.  Is this not first contact?  If so, you may want to throw a tid-bit of exposition here, though keeping it light.
    P. 68 – IT’S a nickname
    P. 71 Give up (Question mark?)
    P. 72 Barf bit (gl)
    P. 75 Mace vs. pepper spray.  Cute touch, implying that humans are so far evolved that maces have been completely forgotten in history?  A bit of a stretch, but fun nonethess…

Hope this helps!

Cheers and best -

Janet

Janet,

Awesome. Thank you for taking time to look the draft over and providing detailed feedback. That is exactly what I hoped to get.

1. Pare. Pare. Pare. That is what I am continually working to achieve. My latest script I am working on is more along the lines of what you described.

2. Yep, you are 100% correct and speaking English rather than militarese is one of the things I am working to overcome. Wait until you hear me speak in acronyms.

3. The connecting with the characters is, by far, the most difficult issue I have faced in this script. The crux of it for me is that in sustained combat operations, there is a numbing and a desensitization that everyone experiences in such an environment. I have wrestled with how to convey that in the context of the characters, while making them sympathetic. On the one hand, you are spot on in seeing this as the major issue, just as a couple of other people saw that as a major issue as well. On the other hand, I am at a loss about how to go about fixing that particular problem. I have contemplated this issue while driving, showering, eating... basically it was one of those little things that kept me thinking about possible solutions. About six months ago, I decided to let it sit for awhile (who knows how long) because I was overly focused on "fixing" Ghost of Thalassa and Planemo instead of fleshing out my other stories. At some point, I will come back to them both with what I hope is a fresh perspective to address the points you raise.

Again, thank you for the feedback. It was exactly what I needed.

Ian