Ring Finger by Johnny Diaz (regularjohn) - Short, Thriller - With evidence of her infidelity, a distraught man resorts to extreme measures to sever ties with his cheating wife. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Johnny,

Great uno pager! Creative, intense, and a creepy visual payoff.  Bill doesn't mess around.

Later,

John

Johnny, great one pager.  Not much else to say as I found nothing wrong with this at all.  I thought it was great.  You managed a story with emotion and suspense, not bad going for one page, some can't manage that in ten.

Hi John

SPOILERS

I loved this...it was one page long. Always a winner with me.

Ahem, oh the script.

Yeah, not bad. Has the goods sides of a one pager. Contained. Low budget, few actors. Quite heavy in the words, you know the kind that could have been two pages but condensed. I would challenge you to take a line out of each paragraph and see whether you can still tell the story?

So, the twist, I quite liked it. At first I was expecting 'its all a mistake', maybe that the writer in me, so I was glad it wasn't. On screen it could appear different. Would it be a surprise, or just expected?

However, the final paragraph actually confused me. What was i seeing? Could do with a touch of clarity, IMO

But, a pretty decent effort for one page.

Wouldn't be surprised if you got some interest in this.

All the best.

Thanks to Don for getting this up.

Johnny, Alffy, glad you guys liked it.  It was an idea floating around in my head and thought I should get it out and learn from it.  Thanks for giving it a look.

Reef, I'll definitely try and move some things around, maybe a snip here and there just to lighten the read a bit more.  I guess I had it in my mind that if it's going to be a page long, I should use that space but I see where you're coming from.

Btw, it was Bill behind her.  I tried to write it so that all the audience really saw was his disfigured, bloody hand with the missing finger.  I'll tidy that last paragraph up in either case.  Thanks.

Yeah just to clarify, it was probably the last sentence which threw me.

Is he wearing this again, when he's just cut it off? Do we know why?

One pagers are intense, each word counts because so you have so few to back it up with.

Cheers

I was after the idea that he just needed that ring off his finger.  The betrayal was just too much for him and he snapped.  It never was removed from his finger (or what was left of it) by the time Rachael arrived.

I suppose one of my flaws as a writer is that my characters kind of get away from me sometimes.  In a crazy way, I really don't know why Bill resorted to cutting off his finger but the booze was in his system along with a mess of heavy emotions.  If I rewrite this, I'll definitely see what I can do about this story as a whole.  

It made sense to me, John.  

::SPOILERS::
At first I thought the same thing, "Why did he put the ring back on?", but then I realized that he never got it off.  He cut the finger above the ring and was probably in the act of removing it just before he was about to make himself a widower.
::END::

Nice job for one page.

Jordan

Spoilers

Just to further clarify - by the way i do like these discussions I feel we can all learn a lot from the nuances - I. Understood that Bill had the cleaver at the end.

And I really like the idea of a man cutting off his finger - very provocative, hence this could be filmed.

But, if he is cutting off his finger because he can't get the ring off, then the viewer needs a reason to believe he puts it back on. To me a one pager needs a twist, but the twist needs a reason as well.

Funny,  could see a religious angle in this whereby the character changes his mind because once married, always married

All the best

I see where you're coming from.  I think it all rested in the ring itself.  At first Bill was trying to remove it and after picking up the cleaver, he still was but maybe it was about breaking the ring entirely.

I like the symbolism behind wedding bands and tried using it with the ending image of the marred ring.  Bill's heart is shattered while Rachael's ring is just shining in the light in spite of her cheating.

I thought about having Bill completely sober and just going insane but wasn't sure if it would fly.  This rewrite could be fun.

And I also like these discussions.  I really enjoy peoples ideas and perceptions on the stories they read.  Thanks again.

Love it. Like others have said you've managed to build up a lot of suspense for a one-pager and some great visuals.

I do think the ending needs to be written quite a bit clearer though, cause I saw the fingers around the cleaver but didn't see where your main guy was. Easily fixed.  :)

Hey RegularJohn,

A read for a read...especially when it's a page. :)

Very good.

However, I think this is more than a pager unfortunately.  Certain descriptions should be turned into a montage or series of shots. For example, this:

Bill explodes from the chair. Pots and pans go flying. Dishes shatter on the floor. Utensils crashes against the cabinets. SCREAMS of pain and fury through the chaos.

I think that's meant for a montage or series of shots.  For instance:

Bill explodes from the chair.

SERIES OF SHOTS

Pots and pans go flying.

Dishes shatter on the floor.

Utensils crashes against the cabinets.

You see?

Other than that, it's good.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

I disagree, Gabe, I think the SERIES OF SHOTS would be better left out.  Doesn't look right.

However, some of this could be broken up, yes.  It's very condensed.

Besides all that, I liked it.  There's intensity, brutality and betrayal running pretty deep.

I can also appreciate the symbolism going on here.  Nice touch.

As for clarity at the very end... I totally got what you were going for, John, so no problem there.

Johnny,

These one pagers are hard to pull off. I like what you've done here. Great buildup to that climax with a creepy concluding image. Nice pace, interesting story. What I particularly like is your ability to tell a story with just images. I'm sure you've heard it before, but it's the images in a film that should ultimately tell the story. I believe you have nailed it here. Good job.

Just a note: You might want to check that "coptright" :P

Dan

Thanks Nomad, LC, and Reaper.  I'm happy that you guys liked it.

Gabe.  I get what you're saying but I try to stay away from those kinds of tricks.  To me, building tension and conflict then having the "SERIES OF SHOTS" kind of dumped in between does some damage to the read IMO.  I guess you can say I cheated by writing that paragraph the way but as long as the reader understands what was happening, I think I can get away with it.

Dan.  Glad you liked it.  A single scene, two characters, and no dialogue was the challenge I issued myself with this one and I'm glad it wasn't a failure.  And thanks for catching that typo.  Wow, a typo on the title page...I am ashamed.  Haha.

Quoted from RegularJohn A single scene, two characters, and no dialogue was the challenge I issued myself.

I think you succeeded.

Nice challenge, btw... I'm also trying to use more imagery less dialogue with the current rewrite of one of my scripts.

It's a fun task.  It really helps a story have more impact and gets rid of shit like OTN dialogue.

Thanks, Reap.  If you or anyone else here needs a read by the way, feel free to drop me an email or PM and I'll get on it.

Hey Johnny,

I appreciate the fact that you were going for an exercise here.  I think it came across well, although I did have a few issues with the writing itself.

I would have liked a better description of Bill from the outset.  We got a really good idea of his mindset here --perhaps that was all you were really going for here.  But I really dig visuals.

Also, your sentences could have been tightened up some.  For a one pager, the way your action blocks are set up, it looks daunting.  Basically, it just "looks" like a lot to read.  Sounds strange, I know.

For instance, the last action block, as I understand it, caused a little confusion from some of the posts I've read.  I think this could have been cleared up by breaking that action block into two.  That way we can have a clear image of three-fingered Bill behind her holding the cleaver.

Plus you also said the gold ring was on the bloody stump.  You mean, after all that he still wasn't able to get that damn ring off?

All in all, not bad.  But I def think it would benefit the story if you tighten your action.  You have a lot of sentences that could be shorter, and some sentences that could be chopped or eliminated altogether.

Steve

::SPOILERS::
I like how in the end he still can't get the ring off so he goes to plan B:  Till death do us part.

Jordan

Quoted from Nomad ::SPOILERS:: I like how in the end he still can't get the ring off so he goes to plan B:  Till death do us part.

Yeah, that's exactly how I saw it as well. Although, as a few people have been confused by the ending, I would clarify this slightly more.

Not really much else for me to comment on, given the script's short length. But despite the short length, you managed to get some cool visuals in and convey a lot, considering the lack of dialogue. I'm currently writing a short film that will be a music video, so I know how tough it is to try and get a story across with solely visuals!

Writing was rather condensed, but obviously you were trying to get everything into one page. So job well done there.

Will be interesting to see how long this would be if filmed. I reckon it would be nearer the three-four minute mark (unless we have Michael Bay directing and editing), given the condensed action.

Good stuff, man.

Johnny, pretty well done for an exercise, as you did succeed in what you set out to do.

However, as some have mentioned, your passages are for the most part, all incorrectly broken up and the reason appears to be in the hopes of saving lines, to get this to fit on 1 page.  And that is a bigger problem than you may think it is, as the reality is that based on your writing, this shouldn't fit on 1 page.

The fact that there's no dialogue does give you a chance to make this fit on 1 page with proper passage breaks, but you'll need to cut out alot of the fat here, as others correctly suggested.

I don't see any montages or series of shots, but as written, this really isn't correct and I see why/how some could be confused at times.

My advise is to rewrite this and break up your passages properly and condense this to the point where it does fit onto 1 page...and see what you have left and compare the 2.

You may be surprised how much this helps you going forward, as my bet is that the new draft reads much better.

Good job here, though, bro any way you look at it.  

Steve.  Thanks for taking a look at this.  One thing I do is describe characters gradually as I go which is a knack of mine.  It's something I'll have to iron out and give an idea out the gate of how a character looks.

Toby.  The ending has been tripping up a few so I'll check that out and see what I can do with it.  Thanks for the read.  Hope the music vid goes alright.  Hope to see it on the boards sometime soon.

Dreamscale.  The condensed page is a problem that I'll definitely be looking to fix.  I guess I got so concerned with taking out the orphan lines and getting this to size, I didn't consider how this short looked as a whole.  If I do rewrite this down the road sometime, I'll probably take your advice and see about stretching this out and doing some trimming.  In any case, I'm still glad this wasn't a stinker.  Thanks for the review.

This was great. And you did well at giving the reader a story without using any dialogue or exposition.

What I also liked about it, was that even though it was only a page, the first few paragraphs made me wonder where it was going, and I was not expecting the direction it took at all.

I liked how you ended it as well, with him standing behind her with the cleaver. I actually laughed though when you said that the ring was still on his hand. I presumed that he missed (not sure if that is what you were going for) or that he had cut it off in hopes of sliding it off easier, so I found that a bit humorous. I don't know if that was your intention. Maybe I'm just a bit sadistic.

Only one problem I noticed was a typo. Flem is actually spelled phlegm.

Mr. Diaz,

Nicely done. For one page you've been able to build up a ton of suspense. I love the take on "Til death do us apart." Freaky but in a good way. Great job, bro.

- Dirk

Thanks Seb for giving this a read.  I have a kind of messed up sense of humor too so you aren't alone.  Can't say I gave this story that ending in hopes of giving a laugh but I'm happy you enjoyed it in any case.

Dirk.  Always good to hear from you.  Glad you liked it.  Let me know if you need something read.

Thanks for reposting, Don.

Rewrote this so it wasn't so clunky.  Hopefully it reads clearer.

Heated embrace! Maybe they live in Alaska. Gets cold there. lol. Great job, Johnny. Reads smooth. Curious to know if you're gonna film this yourself.

Take care,

Dirk

It's heated embracing or hypothermia!  haha.  I've never thought about filming this or even filming at all.  It's definitely something to think about.

Anyways, thanks for the read, Dirk.

Hey Johnny

Reads much better now. lol.

Suggestion, how about having Rachel turn around to see her husband and see him pick up the cleaver?

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Thanks a bunch for the read, Gabe.

I really aimed for a grim final image and was bouncing around between her seeing him and his disfigured hand.  There may be a way to pull off both.  Maybe as he grabs the cleaver from the ground, the camera could show the turning of Rachael's feet.  I don't know; I think I'd better leave it up to a director if this ever generates any interest.

Thanks again.