Hoffman by Harrietb - Short - A boy is in need of a hero 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is a perfect example of story trumping format.

A few notes as I go:

• Pg. 1  There are a few times when you use words that I'm not familiar with (removal box, blank him) and it took me a moment to put them into context.
  
• Pg. 4  You should show that there's a piano in Michael's house before he goes to play it.  It seems forced the way it's written now.
  
• Pg. 4  You have MICHAEL'S BEDROOM and BOY'S BEDROOM.  Are they the same room?  I'd just stick with MICHAEL'S BEDROOM.
  
• Pg. 8  "Its very quiet..."  Should be "It's".
  
• Pg. 9  The dialogue of the GIRL is too on the nose.  It's forced into the script just to get some information to the reader.  There's a better way to get that information across.
  
• Pg. 11  The nurse is also expositional.  She needs to come off a little more subtly.
  

I like the way you show us one thing, lead us down a different path, and then bring it all home.

You have plenty of formatting issues but you have a solid story.  Well done.

Jordan

Thank you for your comments. Yes, it does need some work but glad the story works at least.

Hi Harriet,

that story has a really good structure, or placement of beats if you will. Also I really liked the story itself. You have distinct characters. I'm not sure if that's the right word. What I mean is, each character has distinct mannerisms, behaviour and language.

On page one, when the mother says, "It's been 18 months...", you forgot to add the character above the dialogue. I agree with Nomad, about the piano and the on the nose dialogue of the girl.

The only other thing that didn't quite work for me was the nurse's appearence. Because you described it in a way, as if the mother thought she looks like a call-girl. Yet I suppose when a nurse makes home-visits, she has at least a jacket on, or trousers instead of a skirt.

I think it's a great story, and would be easy to film.

Hope this helped,
Vlade

Hi Vlade,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on the script, it is very helpful and I can now see the areas needing most work.

You say this would be easy to film. Indeed, the script came into existence because a producer/director I had worked with before asked me to write a script that her 9 year old son could act in. I didn't name the characters initially as I thought she might like to add her son's name. However, she didn't like the idea that a boy so young would be interested in girls or what they thought of him, and wanted something much darker. I, on the other hand, wanted to write a feel good short which has relatively few characters, few locations, and hopefully some heart.  
I have a few thoughts on how to improve it, but will dwell on it a little further. Thanks again for your feedback, all feedback welcome.. H

Hi Harriet,

Couple of other little things I noticed.

-Your 3rd slug, the APARTMENT BLOCK STAIRWELL, you should have a line of description just before the line of dialogue from the Mother. I'm not sure if it's a "rule" but I never like to see written scenes just open with dialogue without even just a quick line to set the scene up. Easily fixed.

-When we return to the STAIRWELL a couple of slugs later, you start by saying "They are rushing to school." Who are they? You go on to mention Michael & his mother in the very next line but you should just mention them straight away for clarification.

-Little lines like "the boy finds her pretty too." don't work unless you SHOW us that he finds her pretty. Since you have him stop to "steal a look back" at the woman a few lines later you can just cut the original line. i noticed this error popping up on a few other occasions.

I really enjoyed the story. I think if you rewrite some of the dialogue to be less expositional and perhaps tinker with your action lines, as I think they can be written better, you definitely have something here. Well done and good luck :)

-Gavin