Final Confession by Nikki Lee (adromachadi) - Short, Drama - A ruined married couple gives one final confession to save what is left of their dying marriage. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Nikki,

The dialogue is clumsy so I just didn't buy this couple and the problems they were going through at all. Try saying the dialogue out loud, with someone else if possible. You will soon 'hear' what works and what doesn't.  The action has typos and needs a proof read.

As for the twist (spoiler alert) I don't think anyone says they have HIV/AIDS. They either have HIV or the HIV has developed into AIDS. It's best to research a subject if you are going to write about it.

Doesn't work for me sorry.

Mark

Hi NIkki

Quite a bizarre story with a bizarre ending. Despite that, I was hoping to read more about this couple. It seems this couple is very vengeful of each other. Had me wondering why she would want to save the marriage despite what she did/gave to Corey. Was it vengeance for finding out about his extra-curricular activities? When and how did she get AIDS?

You have something here, Nikki, a story that could really work wonders if it was fleshed out a little bit more. Sadly, it tends to fall kinda flat at the end. Keep working at it...I do believe you have an interesting piece here :)

-Silva Sly-

Nikki,

Not a bad little story here.  Your writing was petty good, and moved the story along well.

However, the HIV reveal is where I checked out.  Meaning, the build-up was good, but that sort of reveal was a total bummer to me and didn't seem realistic at all.  Because, it seems, after a reveal like that, where is there left to go?  If she'd told him that she murdered his mistress -- ahh!  Now we're getting somewhere, IMO.  But the way it is wasn't for me.

Again, not to say it isn't well written.  I think it is.  There a several typos in there you might want to correct.

Steve

Hi Nikki,

First off, there are quite a few grammar/spelling issues. You tend to forgets to add an "s" at the end of your plurals, stuff like that.

As far as the reveal goes, I didn't mind it at all. But i think it would've worked out better had it been set up correctly. I'm not a big fan of having them have a long argument and then him just spilling the beans. You could allude to their marital problems much more without having them explain it to each other (and to the reader).

Theres nothing wrong with this that couldn't be fixed with a quick rewrite and perhaps a little more thought put into the set-up.
Good luck

-Gavin

I would say the treatment of the script was really bad, reading the first scene and the dialogue I could tell that you are new to the script writing business... you are exposing bluntly through dialog .. I as a reader do not feel any empathy to the characters ..who are at the verge of such a huge decision..... learning how to expose is one of the most hard thing to learn in this business.