A Fear Within by Kevin Chumley - Action, Adventure - When Corruption and Politics over shadow the safety of anyone who dares to enter the Oceans. 62 pages - pdf, format 8)

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Script removed.  Production begins 5/5/14

Hey Kevin.

Your logline is a fragment.  Not a good start if you're looking for reads.  Also, 62 pages seems an odd length to me.  Usually features run anywhere from 80 to 120 pages long.  This may just be a really long short but anyways...

The FADE IN should be at the top, before your opening slug.  The slug has "morning" already so no need for the "day" description.  As a matter of fact, your entire slug is awkwardly written.  It could simply be "BEACH" but you described it both in the slug and in the sentence following it.  I suggest sticking to a good, short heading such as "BEACH" and if you'll be moving around, you can include mini-slugs such as "EXT. BEACH - PIER - DAY".

"There" should be "their".  Some passive writing.  "Are setting up" can easily be "set up".  Unfilmables in this first passage.  We as the audience can't possibly know that Maggie is the independent one from what we have.  You'll have to show us through action and dialogue.

Names don't need to be in parentheses.  You also have action lines in the dialogue section or at least that's what I'm assuming.

I'll stop there.  A lot of grammatical and formatting mistakes and we're just on the first page.  I suggest taking a look at the scripts here on the site and a few pro scripts and really get a feel for how it's done.  Hope to see ya around.

Johnny

Kevin, you should read the screenplays from some of your favorite movies to become more familiar with SP format, then tackle this script again. There are too many grammatical and technical errors. I love me a good old-fashioned shark attack story, so take your time with the edit and I'll look forward to reading your new mean, lean script.

Thanks, It's my first run at writing, have a few things to learn, got contacted by a producer who makes T.V commercials  and he said it was a little ruff around the edges and a bit short but liked it anyway, he said he would call me  and have a production writer work with me on it, what ever that is.  

Quoted from KevinChumley Thanks, It's my first run at writing, have a few things to learn, got contacted by a producer and he said it was a little ruff around the edges and a bit short but liked it anyway, he said he would call me today and have a pro writer work with me on it.

Sounds positive - just remember to have your work copyrighted before you start working with anyone. If they change enough of it, they have enough grounds to claim authority over your 'joint' work.

It's rare that stuff like this happens - but there are unscrupulous producers who are more than willing to take advantage.

Best of luck.

Kind regards,

Eoin

Thanks I do have it copyrighted, the number is on the title page. I was told that some producers don't like Copyrights on the scripts because it looks amateurish, so I figured why not I am an amateur lol.   I think script writing should be fun , if producers care more about a dotted (i) and a crossed (T) than the story's then maybe that's why  so many bad movies are being made in Hollywood now. I look at old movies all the time and how they wrote back then, They just wrote it and that was that, no fancy stuff.  

Kevin, I don't want to sound like a dick here, but I'll give it to you straight up.

Any "Producer" who says they want to work with you on this, is either lying, high as a kite, or not a real Producer.

The writing here is very poor.  The story (as far as I read - 8 pages or so) is nothing remotely new or well done.  We've all seen this movie hundreds and hundreds of times before.  at 62 pages, this is nowhere near long enough, as the writing itself is way overdone and in reality, this 62 page script is probably only 50 pages or so - at best.

Again, I don't want to be mean or anything like that, but the reality is that this script ain't going nowhere, bro.

I recommend you read scripts on SS and comment all you can.  That way, peeps will read your work and provide helpful hints that will make you a much better writer.

Just trying to keep it real and help.  Hope you take this the way it's intended.

I got to here on page 2 and decided that I was out, doubtless too so would any producer.

Code It�s a sunny day at the beach, Mrs.Samantha Williams 34 and her 2 children Maggie 7 and Tommy 9 are setting up there beach umbrella and chairs, as the mother is setting things up she ask Maggie to help with the beach blankets.

Any writer should know the difference between there and their. Your sentence structure is terrible and you also mention that it's a sunny day at the beach, when you've already stated the location in the scene heading.

If you're quite young, then practice will help you improve. Although even as a twelve-year-old I knew the difference between their and there.

Hey, Kevin. Formatting errors aside, this was an interesting story. I say re-work it and push the idea further. I'd like to see more, bud. Good luck!!

-L. 8)