And He Spoke A Darkened Heart by Four - Horror - A mix of corporate philosophy and evil combine to make merriment on the eve of war. ( PG ) - pdf, format 8)

Sorry, 1/2 a page and I'm out.

Mistakes everywhere, including your opening line.

I see the tone appears to be a joke or pisser and I don't have time for this now.

Congrats on completing a script and entering.

Nothing scary, creey or much less interesting here. Feels like a big joke with a weak punchline. By the way, what is Elvis doing at a 'hell' meeting?

TIED OF THE CAPPED LAUGHS AND APPLAUSE every other narrative line.
Note the title on the title page has a typo. I know...feels trivial, but still...sorry. this did zippo for me.

I'm not really sure what to make of this one. There's a ton of dialogue, which shows up on the screen as talking heads, and not much action except for applause and stuff. Nothing to do with horror as far as I could tell. Horror usually has suspense and the sense of impending doom for at least soneone or something, I didn't see any of that here. And what's with all the action / description lines being in caps?

Be wary of too many capitalized words.  Usually they're saved for sounds or really important objects.

Half a page down and I see what the problem is.  I hope something really scary pops up soon as this is headed in the wrong direction very quickly.

Started glancing over things but by page 3, I'm done.  A perfect example of what happens when dialogue takes front and center before action.  I don't mean to be a d*** but you really can't just have your characters talking for 3 or more pages and add a line of cheering in between each bulking paragraph.  It's like staring at someone while they're having a phone conversation.

Sorry I couldn't make it through your script.  Thanks for your submission in any case.

Johnny

This script read more like a comedy than a horror. While I do applaud your approach, it still felt kinda flat to me. Your prose could definitely need some work done on it, and some of the dialogue felt like it rambled on and on...great to begin with, but felt a bit too continuous focusing on the same subject of statistics. The part that really took my interest was Phil's conversation with the young man. That was genuine interesting, as it did hold my curiosity who this person would be.

**SPOILER ALERT**

I do have to admit though, I was hoping the unidentified young man would be Justin Bieber sent to terrorize humanity with his music...one of the other reasons the story felt flat for me...didn't feel like Winston Churchill was quite the right punch to end the story. Oh well...decent read nonetheless :)

Another comedic take. Not really any horror. A satire I guess. Commenting on economics and socio-political ideas. At least it's a modern take on what witches would be up to. Business.  Technology.  

SPOILERS

The end twist confused me. I'm thinking he is Hitler.  In modern days. The 2nd coming of antichrist? Didn't get it I guess. But some interesting sociological ideas about modern witches.

Not a drop of horror anywhere. More of a comedy. Nicey written though. You're definitely an accomplished writer. I applaud your efforts but I would have loved to seen one of these warlocks/witches actually do something in the modern world instead of a long drawn out rally about talking to take over the world. Either way a worthy effort.

Congrats on completing the OWC!

- Dirk

*Spoilers*

Hey -  

I enjoyed this one.  I do agree with other posters, of course, that there's absolutely no horror here.  But...as a comedy, it was fun (especially the first part).  I did giggle several times while reading the speech. (The possessed children vomit and clap at the same time.)  Cute. :)

I *do* have considerable questions about the timeline, here.  James Dean and Elvis at a table in Hell...and Adolph as a young man?  Is "Adolph" just starting his journey?  Or does time just somehow work different in Hell?  It left me confused.

But as a comedic trifle, it was fun.  :)

FAIRIES ZIP PAST A SERVANT AND SNATCH DRINKS FROM HER TRAY. – was taken by this statement and didn’t understand until further what type of ball this was – thought it could have been made clear that it was a ball for demons, witches, etc. Plus, unless this is a complete pisser, there’s not need for the capitalization of all of the description lines.
Ok, by mid page 3, I agree that the talking is taking it’s toll.

Good effort, but in the end, I too, was left a little bewildered.

Renee

Writer,

Not really a serious entry here, yeah? Doesn't fall anywhere near the criteria needed for this challenge, but I thought it was cute and had some moments that made me chuckle. However, it's littered with typos and improper format. You might wanna check out some other scripts to see how it should be done. It takes time, that's for sure.

In regards to the ending, how could we possibly know Winston Churchill is speaking if he's in VO? Unless its a famous quote and I'm just missing the boat?

Anyway, congrats on entering.

Steve

Not a bad start. A little clever, a little funny. It got stale as it went along though. I mean, I think by page 2 or so, the punchline had sunk in.

A lull after the speech then there's the ending. Funny. Not laugh out loud but it made me crack a smile.

Action is sparse so I honestly can't really comment on it. Lots of typos though. Clean 'em up.

As an OWC entry, man, oh man. Failure-a-mundo. Not horror. Not modern. That's only 1/3 criteria.

For what it is, not bad. Nothing special but it does what it's supposed to do and goes by quick.

This one didn't really work for me. I liked the idea though of the Warlock Co. The first half of the script was just speeches at a podium. The rest was about a young Hitler. That was pretty much it.

Suggestion. Cut down on the speeches, introduce Hitler earlier and show a little more of his and Phil's character. So we care about something. Someone.

I hate to jump on the train but I have to agree here.

ZIP on the horror!

I got half way though and pulled the plug based soley on that.

I love the fact that you gave it a shot and your writing has heart.

That's what makes the OWC so great though. Take a challange and try...

For that I applaude you.

Best of luck in your writing.

Shawn.....><

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


AND HE SPOKE A DARKEND HEART

Hello!

It was entertaining, but didn't hit the genre.

The idea of presenting the EVIL INC is creative. The scene at all was too lengthy in execution. You had a lot of potential there to make a horrible party of the evil. And I mean really horrible. Too bad, that you didn't do so...

Man. Your first sentence..."Filled to capacity up with hundreds of guests." This doesn't make sense. Not a good first impression.

Next paragraph, not even half way down the page, "His beams a disapproving gaze" - this is wrong.

What's with all the caps? This is something you made up. PHIL FROM MARKETING??? This is NOT a scene heading.

You want people to take their time to read your work? Then YOU should take the time to format properly and proofread.

This had some interesting dialogue with a Beetlejuice vibe.

There is some formatting issues with this and one that stuck out is your misuse of caps.  Anytime you caps a word, it is meant to draw the readers attention to the page, introducing a character, or an auditory word.  I've seen a technique where writers will caps verbs to intensify a scene, although when they are overdone or mishandled, it will slow down a read.

I chuckled when Phil from marketing was introduced and the ending made me think.  But the horror and modern witches were absent.

Johnny

Long dialog blocks, but I chuckled here and there. Spelling errors, such as on the first page, "his (he) beams". Page 3, "crowd od (of) demon", and more.

Hmmm. Now that I'm finished, not sure how I feel about the beginning. It almost seemed comedic, so tying in a mass murderer almost felt off for me, but at the same time I got what the author was going for. I think a good effort overall, though no real horror per se.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

4. And He Spoke A Darkened Heart by Four - Horror - A mix of corporate philosophy and evil combine to make merriment on the eve of war.
Brief - Warlock and Co. annual shareholder's meeting provides a backdrop to Hitler's pact.

Location(s)  - Ballroom, corporate balcony
Cast - 3 + crowd, all in business dress
Protagonist(s)  -  
GESTALT, 100, pleasant old white collar businessman, CEO
PHIL, 30s, marketing department head
YOUNG MAN, 20, young Adolf Hitler
Genre & Marketability - Fantasy Horror. Sorta marketable. It jumps midway from one scenario to another without a fluid transfer.
Comments  -  Turn off your screenwriting program's mores and continued's feature. FYI, Satanists are more aligned with monotheistic Christianity than polytheistic pagan witchcraft. What is going on with your screenwriting program cutting off the bottoms of ascenders? You're not adjusting the line spacing, are you? (Cheater.) Calm down on the all-caps. Promising first page. Characters are introduced in all-caps, age, briefest description, then on with the sentence. Yeah, just quit with the all caps. You're bugging me with this by the top half of pg 2. Srsly - quit it. Nice story. Don't do "THE END." Learn some proper formatting and you'll be alright. This'll be pretty expensive to produce as a live action short; animation, maybe. Big ballrooms and huge audiences all in full dress  are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced.
Script format - Needs work.
Final word - Nice, two stories abbutted, too costly to produce.

$10,000 - 20,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 6.5               Screenplay Pages
= $1,538 -  3,076     Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - No, it's classic Judeo-Christian demonized witches
Horror - Eh... not really. Entertaining comedy drama, no legit horror. Reluctant fail.